Santa's Little Helper: a Christmas carousal

  It was a bright moonlit night and the snow crunched beneath Santa’s boots as, resplendent in his bright red outfit, he emerged from his grotto, stepped over a couple of elves lying in a drunken heap and trudged the short distance to the fully laden sleigh. The reindeer were raring to go as he reluctantly climbed aboard and took up the reins with a sigh…

  ‘I couldn’t half do with a drink…’

  ‘No drinking and driving.’

  ‘Just a little one?’

  ‘No alcohol until after Christmas. It’s in the contract.’

  ‘Take pity on an old man. It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. A wee dram won’t put me over the limit.’

  ‘No! Children do not believe that Santa Claus indulges in alcohol. You wouldn’t want to shatter their illusions would you?’

  ‘Ruddy kids. I should have stuck to virgins: virgins and alcohol, that’s always been a good combination. Can’t stand kids, never did like ’em.’

  ‘Yes you do, you’ve always liked them! It says so in–’

  ‘Yeah yeah, I know: the bleeding contract – wish I’d never signed the ruddy thing.’

  ‘Right! Before you go, I would like to make absolutely sure that you understand your obligations. Do you like children?’

  ‘Yes! I like children!

  ‘Do you love children?’

  ‘Yes! I love children!’

  ‘Do you love little girls?’

  ‘Yes!’

  ‘How about little boys?’

  ‘I love little boys!’

  ‘Do you love babies?’

  ‘Babies? Are they children?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘It says so in the contract.’

  ‘Humph! In that case, I love babies. Can I go now please?’

  ‘Of course you can, Santa, but don’t forget…’

  ‘Don’t worry, I won’t.’

  ‘Right, let’s get this show on the road. Now where have those elves got to… Come on, you two, jump to it! Chocks away!’

  AS the two young elfin interns rushed forward and wrenched away the chocks, Santa tugged at the reins and the reindeer pranced away, hauling the sleigh skywards were it vanished into the night leaving a little trail of stardust in its wake.