Lead

  "Did you not have an okay time?"

  "The movie was fun. Lots of explosions."

  "Get along with him all right?"

  "Sure, he's a nice guy. He's in love with Anne though so not prime dating material."

  "Oh." Face contemplative, he came up beside me, leaning on the railing. He hadn't shaved today and the urge to run my fingers over the prickle of his stubble seemed insurmountable. My fingers dug deep into the leather of my purse, fighting for control. Everything about him called to me, the guarded but curious look in his eyes, his rarely seen softer side.

  Maybe if his mom hadn't messed him up when he was a kid he'd have been different, less world weary and damaged, more open. Or maybe if I was more super-model, less cute and cuddly. What would it take, how many changes would have to be made for him to see me differently? Because he stood less than two feet away from me but it felt like forever. My heart broke ever so slowly and I felt every piece of it shatter and fall.

  Nothing I could do about it, not a single damn thing.

  I fixed a tired smile to my face. "It was still an okay night."

  "Does Anne know?" he asked.

  "I doubt it or she wouldn't have suggested I go out with him."

  "True."

  "I don't really think we should say anything either."

  His brows rose. "Why not? Wouldn't she want some warning?"

  "He's harboring feelings for her, Jimmy, not planning a surprise attack. It's not our secret to share and it's not like it's going to change anything." I hugged my coat and bag to my chest. "Reece doesn't stand a chance. She's just not interested in him that way. He's been friend zoned and he knows it."

  The poor schmuck.

  "I don't know if I'd feel right not telling Mal," he said.

  "I think it would only cause trouble. Though honestly Mal probably already knows. It's not like Reece is particularly effective at hiding it."

  He stared over my shoulder at the wall. "Stupid of him, hanging onto a thing for Anne when he hasn't got a chance."

  "Who ever said the heart was smart or that it followed directions?"

  Jimmy just shook his head. "That's fucking dumb. He needs to wise up and get over it. It's pathetic, no wonder Anne doesn't want him."

  And I just kind of needed to walk away before resorting to violence. This conversation was doing my head in. "Wow. Those are wise words indeed."

  The man's eyes flashed in sudden understanding. "I don't mean that you ... ah, well obviously you're not in the same category as him."

  "No?"

  "No, of course not." He put his hands on his hips, then changed his mind and linked them behind his head. All the while looking at me like I was just one small step away from the loony bin. At least we'd moved on from him laughing at my feelings.

  "I mean, hello! Different situation entirely," he said.

  "That's a relief."

  "Yeah, you haven't realized yet that it would never work out between us." He looked up at me and I could almost see the cogs and wheels desperately working overtime in his head.

  "Talk me through it, Jimmy."

  I'm reasonably certain sweat broke out on his forehead. "Well, do I look like the kind of guy who takes relationships, seriously? No, I'm a player."

  I cocked my head. "Except you're not, you don't have sex at all these days."

  "True. But when I do, I'm not the kind that goes back for round two. Been there, done that. It's like they said at dinner, I don't pretend I'm interested in more." He wrapped his hands around the railing, holding on tight. "And they shouldn't be either. I'm a hell of a bad bet, Lena. Fucked up home life, reformed addict. I mean shit, my issues have issues. I don't want any of that. I just wanna be left alone, you know?"

  "If you want to be left alone, then why don't you want me to leave?"

  "This I can handle. We give each other shit, there's some give-and-take. It's good. But I can't do more. I just can't." His voice held such absolute heartbreaking certainty.

  "How do you know if you've never tried?"

  "No." He looked up at me from beneath dark brows, fingers white, he held onto the railing so tight. "There's too much to lose."

  I just stared at him stunned. "I think that's probably the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

  He pinned his lips shut, apparently not happy with the news.

  So much information whirling around inside my head. I needed time to make sense of it all, to figure him out. Things were changing again, I could feel it, but I didn't quite understand how yet. The situation was as complicated as the man.

  "Anyhoo, I don't think I'll keep dating people," I said, sucking in my stomach. "Let's just concentrate on the other stuff. If anything can convince me you're a monster, the jogging alone should do it."

  "Lena, you need to keep dating." Little wrinkles appeared beside his eyes, his jaw tightened. "The next one'll be better. It'll be fun, I promise."

  "I don't think god wants me to date. The signs have been quite clear."

  "One more," he said, voice dropping to a highly persuasive rumble. "C'mon, just give it one more go then I'll drop it, I promise."

  "I don't know ..."

  "Please? See, I used my manners."

  "That's great."

  "Lena ..."

  "All right, one more then that's it. And I do have a condition. Next date, you're banished to downstairs. You don't meet him and you sure as hell don't interrogate him. In fact, I don't even want to see you. I catch sight of you, its home on the sofa all night watching TV. No excuses. No ifs, buts, or maybes. Do we have a deal?"

  His jaw tensed, shifting beneath his skin. "All right. And the next date'll be better, you won't regret it."

  I already did.

  CHAPTER TEN

  "Adrian sent through info about the first few venues and hotels booked etcetera." I passed Ev my iPad.

  We were sitting on the steps, watching the guys work in the new basement recording studio set up. The finishing touches had been put on it the day before and Jimmy had gone all out. The walls alternated black sound proofing with floor-to-ceiling glass and lots of high-tech equipment sat shining within. The delight in his eyes when the guys made all the right sounds of approval was lovely. I had a feeling all the building and equipment was his way of trying to apologize to them for the past, his way of attempting to make amends.

  Whatever way you looked at it, the studio was a very good thing.

  "Looks like the publicity machine revs up after New Year's. There's not too much booked until then," I said. "A couple of interviews, that's about it."

  "Good, they need a break."

  "Yeah."

  A scrawny Australian guy named Taylor and his gorgeous wife Pam, who had some native American heritage, were waiting on the door step when we got back from jogging (swift stumbling/walking) this morning. Usually after I'd done my torture time, Jimmy would take off on his own for a 'proper' run. Today, however, he'd acted mildly delighted to see these guests. The friendliest I'd ever witnessed him being previously was the small smiles Ev garnered for herself now and then. He'd even suffered through a quick hug from Pam, despite his limbs stiffening and his face screwing up. I don't think I'd ever met anyone so averse to letting people get close to them.

  Taylor was apparently a longtime friend who also happened to be a roadie/sound tech/recording guru. His wife, Pam, was a photographer. She'd promptly pulled out a very cool-looking camera and started snapping the guys at work in the new studio. I'd followed her around, bugging her with questions.

  Fortunately, she hadn't minded at all.

  Pam said they were thinking of using the shots for the inside artwork of the next album. She'd even let me play with her camera, giving me tips and showing me which buttons to use. The play of light in the picture and the way it altered the mood was amazing. I'd never been around a real live professional photographer before. All day, whenever I got a chance, I tagged along behind her. It was fun and interesting, challenging in a way admin simply
wasn't. Not for me at least. And playing with the camera got me out of my crappy mood.

  "Hold it this way," Pam had said, repositioning my fingers around the Nikon.

  I'd held it up to eye again, watching as the automatic focus zoomed in and out on various things. "It's amazing. The world looks so different. The detail and light and everything."

  "Yes." Pam had smiled. "It really does."

  "I don't want to know what one of these costs, do I?"

  "No," she'd confirmed. "You really don't."

  Jimmy offered Pam and Taylor one of the spare guest rooms for their stay but they'd declined, having already booked into a hotel in town. A pity because I'd have liked the chance to spend more time with her and her camera.

  "Sooo ..." Ev started. "Jimmy called late last night. Wants me to organize a girl's night out. Said something about you needing cheering up."

  I cringed. Various factors had made me antsy and agitated all day and this line of conversation was highly unlikely to improve things. "He didn't need to do that."

  "I heard about the date with Ben."

  "That reminds me, I haven't thanked him for the flowers yet."

  Ev shook her head. "Can't believe he ran out on you. Well, I can, I just wish he hadn't."

  "The date with Reece wasn't a raving success either. He's a nice guy, but I don't know that I'm in a dating frame of mind."

  "Jimmy manage to restrain himself this time?"

  I see sawed my hand. "Mostly. It didn't matter, Reece is still hung up on Anne."

  "O-kay. That'll do it." Ev handed me back the iPad. She turned her face away, fingers drumming on the wall. "So I'm just going to throw something out there and you can shoot me down or not as you please. I love Jimmy, he's family to me. But, Lena you do realize, he's been hurt in ways we're only just beginning to realize."

  "Ev--"

  "Please, let me finish." If the sincerity on her face had been an iota less, I'd have gotten up and walked away. My love life pained me enough without this.

  "All right," I said.

  She played with the end of the plait. "Has he said anything to you about their mother since she showed up in Idaho?"

  "No, not really. It's still not something we tend to talk about." And what little he had said was in confidence.

  "But he does talk to you. If it's even just a little bit, I don't think you realize what a miracle that is. David said he hardly even discussed their childhood when he had counseling. Just refused." Worry filled her eyes. "It's why you can't leave, if you care for him at all ..."

  "Of course I care for him."

  "But you care too much, don't you? That's the problem."

  I let my silence do the talking.

  "I don't want to see either of you hurt. Jimmy's done a lot of work, just getting himself together in the past six months." She swallowed hard. "He was hell-bent on going through it alone until you. But has it occurred to you that he might not be up to handling these kinds of pressures yet? He was advised not to go into any serious relationships for the first year of his recovery."

  "You think I would do something to hurt him?"

  "Not on purpose, no."

  And suddenly I was angry, I was actually quite pissed. "You know, you can't have it both ways. I'm supposed to care enough to stay and keep putting him first." I pushed to my feet, needing the space. "But I'm not allowed to feel too much and complicate things."

  "Lena, wait."

  "You think I don't know he's fragile?"

  Ev picked up the tablet and rose to her feet also. "I think right now you both are."

  And she probably had a point there. Also, I just might have overreacted something fierce.

  "What's going on?" asked Jimmy, appearing at the bottom of the stairs looking anything but breakable, on the outside at least.

  Awesome. Now David was there too, being all concerned. "Baby?"

  "It's my fault," said Ev, climbing to her feet. "I said the wrong thing."

  "Lena?" Jimmy started up the stairs toward me.

  Down below, David drew Ev out of view, leaving me and Jimmy alone.

  "No, I ... shit." I slumped against the wall feeling ten types of stupid and hormonally washed up. "It's fine."

  "No, it's not, don't lie to me. What's going on?" he asked, stopping the step below me. It put us at almost exactly the same height.

  Fuck he was beautiful, inside and out, and he would never be mine. That information sat sure and safe inside of me, turning me to stone because it was utterly undeniable. But I was still expected to stay here, be with him, and support him, the job I both did and didn't want with all of my heart.

  "I'm being wildly unprofessional again," I said.

  He squinted. "That all?"

  It was a throwaway question, but still, I gave it serious thought. Inside me, emotions were storming around, being in an uproar. My lack of professionalism definitely wasn't all.

  "I need a hug," I said.

  "What?"

  "I need a hug." I nodded, warming to the idea. "Yes, that's what I need. I mean, don't even get me started on that farce of a date with Ben. But, you know, last night with Reece was pretty damn shitty."

  His mouth opened but I kept right on.

  "You're my closest friend, right now, Jimmy. With that position does come certain responsibilities."

  Eyes wide open, he gave the ceiling a long pained questioning look. "Fuck's sake. Is it not enough that I make sure your favorite chocolate cream pie is in the fridge at this time of the month? Do I really have to put up with this too?"

  "Yes. Apparently you do." It probably should have surprised me, but it didn't. We had been living together for several months now and for someone I'd once considered self-involved, Jimmy noticed the strangest things. My period having arrived mid-morning certainly explained my crap mood in the last twenty-four hours. "Though I do appreciate the pie."

  "Great. I don't hug," he said.

  "Everyone hugs."

  "Not me, touching isn't my thing." He crossed and uncrossed his arms. "Unless fucking is involved and we're not doing that."

  He was trying to scandalize me. I knew that about him by now. I wonder how scandalized he'd be if I offered. Instead, I said, "You've touched me no less than eighteen times in the past month. You're more of a toucher than you know."

  His eyes widened, then narrowed. "You just pulled that figure out of your ass, didn't you?"

  "You count drinks, I count touches."

  "Hmm. I'm not doing it."

  "What are you, a man or a mouse?" I asked, my voice challenging.

  "Your boss."

  Good answer. Still, in Coeur d'Alene, when he'd wanted comfort, he'd just grabbed hold of me. There'd been no debating, no negotiating. He'd sure as hell never asked what I wanted, he'd just taken what he needed. And what I needed right now was him, every last little molecule inside me knew it.

  Fuck it. I launched myself at him.

  Jimmy caught me with an "oomph," his hands grappling with my waist. My arms wrapped tight around his neck. I might have accidentally broken my nose on his collarbone but no matter. He was now obliged to console me, physically. The ache in the bridge of my nose could be ignored. The man stood petrified, I could almost smell his fear. But this, being so close to him, was nirvana.

  Sheer, unadulterated bliss.

  His breath hitched, but then his chest moved fast against me, ribs rising and falling. I waited for him to shrug me off, or, more likely, pry me off with a crowbar. Gradually, rock hard muscles eased against me. A tentative hand patted me on the back, out of rhythm. Apparently, years of musicianship and his innate natural talent had been lost due to my hug. Ah, the power, I would never let him go.

  The combined sounds of our breathing echoed in the stairwell.

  "Lena?"

  "Shh, I'm concentrating." I clung on tighter, just in case he now decided to try and escape.

  He smelled crazy good, some nice expensive cologne underlined with the sweat and scent of him. Tha
nk god he'd forgotten about the shirt I'd stolen. The same smell was far fainter on it. Nothing like breathing deep straight from the source. And care of the questing tip of my sore nose, I had struck skin, the base of his neck, even. Wonderful.

  "Your nose is cold," he bitched.

  "Quiet. You're ruining the mood."

  "There is no mood. You're acting crazy is all."

  Downstairs people were talking, the muted beating of drums, but nothing mattered more than here and now.

  "We done yet?" he asked.

  "No."

  "One more minute, then that's it, Lena."

  "Two."

  He exhaled hard. "I better not have to do this every month from now on."

  Another timid pat or two. Then, ever so slowly, his other arm wrapped lightly around me, hand slipping beneath my hair. Fingers stroked back and forth over the back of my neck. We stood there, my breasts mooshed up against his hard chest. He rested his chin on the top of my head and I could feel his breaths faintly against my scalp, stirring my hair. Despite the differences in height, we fit together just right. His other hand started firmly smoothing up and down my spine, pressing me into him. Each time it went a bit further, fingers glancing over the small of my back and the beginning of the curve of my ass. My breathing faltered each time his hand went down, dying to know how far he'd go, wishing he'd do more.

  My medicinal hug was fast turning X-rated.

  "Sorry the dates sucked," he said.

  I really didn't want to talk about the dates.

  "Tonight's will be better."

  Other men could get lost.

  "Lena?"

  God damn it. "What?"

  His mouth was a tight line. "Did Ev really upset you?"

  "No. We'll work it out between ourselves."

  "You sure? I'll talk to her if you need me to."

  "Would you really?"

  "Course."

  "You're so dreamy, Jimmy Ferris," I happy sighed.

  "Christ, now you're really weirding me out." His hands settled on my hips. "Okay?"

  "Yes."

  He gave me the makings of a hesitant smile while he straightened his shirt, setting himself to rights. Oddly, he seemed almost shy, looking down, avoiding my eyes.

  "Right. I'm getting back to work." But he didn't move. Instead, he looked up at me like he was no longer entirely sure of who I was or what I was doing in his house. A shaking hand smoothed down the front of his shirt.

  I smiled gently. "Thanks, Jimmy. I needed that."