Jaq With a Q

  “Fine, goodnight. I’ll play by myself.”

  I knew that would stop her. Jaq wasn’t sleeping any time soon, and she didn’t want me to leave her alone. Or was it the other way around? The thought was instantly dismissed, placed in a pile I had collected since crossing her path, a pile of confusion.

  “Can I do it on my phone? My laptop is in the kitchen.”

  It wasn’t in the kitchen. It was on the end of the sofa, but I wasn’t sure if that was a lie, or an honest forgetting. “Not really. Go grab it. I’ll hold on.”

  “No, I’m not going to do that. Let’s just talk about something else. What do you look like?”

  My perception changed instantly, confusion and a bit of curiosity taking me off my game. “Um, I’m six-two, dark hair. I wear glasses. I’m just a plain old guy, nothing special. Unfortunately, my brother got all the looks.”

  “And you got the brains?”

  I chuckled at her inquisitiveness and the innocence of her tone. She reminded me of myself as a little boy. My dad always told me I was just like him, always wondering what and why people felt. The many insights they had and how and why we all saw things differently. “Not exactly, Silas is extremely smart. He’s a businessman.”

  “Do you like him?”

  I recalled his meddling in my life, debating whether I liked him or not and answered truthfully. “My brother? Yeah, he’s okay. A little too bossy sometimes, but he’s my brother.”

  “I don’t a brother or a sister.”

  Curious of her answer, I asked the question I already knew the answer to. “What do you look like, Jaq?”

  “My parents don’t match.”

  A genuine smile spread across my face. “You’re biracial?”

  “Yes. My dad was black and my mother was white, but I didn’t know my dad..”

  “Tell me about your mom. She died?”

  I waited for her to get mad at me and tell me she had to go like she did every time I brought up her mother. She didn’t do that, but she didn’t answer my question either. “I guess we’ll play one game.”

  My spine straightened and my awareness intensified, all my attention on the screen in front of me. Jaq peered out the door; first, only her head and then her body. Her hair was wet, her body was wrapped in a towel, and my heart did that weird thing where it picked up a few extra beats.

  Her breaths were quick and rapid, like she’d just run a marathon, or in Jaq’s case, something frightened her. “Ollie.”

  “I’m here. Why do you do that? Why can’t you just talk to me?”

  I waited for the laptop camera with air held in my lungs, knowing she was wrapped in a towel, feelings manifesting like mad. Her midsection came in view first, a bleach spotted towel, dark blue with white spatter marks covered her naked body. The same jeans she always wore were also wet, as was the gray hoody, and a pair of plain white panties. They hung over the bathtub, drooped over a rusty bar above the small tub. That answered my question of her hygiene. She did bathe, and put on clean clothes, the same ones every day. I guess I never thought about her needing clothes. Remembering something from her vacant bedroom, I switched my screen to that camera, to a pile of untouched clothing on the bed.

  “I don’t see the game,” she confirmed, my question about why she couldn’t just answer was intentionally forgotten, never to be talked about again. Not until I brought it up, anyway.

  For a second, I was star struck, unable to speak. Jaq held the towel over her chest when the tuck came undone from breasts, showing the side of her body, a thin waist, curvy hips, and long legs. There was no doubt that was the part she kept hidden, more for her own self-hang-up than anyone else’s. She didn’t want anyone to see her, not like that, not like other girls who looked like her. Jaq had no idea how beautiful she was, not a clue, and she didn’t want anyone else to know it either.

  “Ollie? You there?”

  “Sorry, yes. I’m sending it to you now.”

  Jaq placed her laptop on the toilet and reached up for her clothes, checking the progress of their drying before sitting on the floor in front of me. Her normal wild, curly hair was damp, hanging with loose tendrils around her face and I couldn’t help but see something. Something I was so close to, yet so far away from. Something I couldn’t quite reach. Then again, I didn’t even know what the hell it was I was reaching for, but it was there. Strongly there, pulling me in more and more.

  I set the game up, but I didn’t play, not really. My attention stayed on Jaq, struggling to place the numbers in the correct box, her thoughtfulness focused on the task at hand. She won because I let her win, and because I didn’t care. It was her I cared about, what made her tick, and what it was about her that made me tick, my own stable mind in question.

  “I’m going to the lake house to meet my brother tomorrow. I’ll be back sometime Sunday.”

  Jaq forgot all about Sudoku, and she took that trivial news way worse than I imagined. “What do you mean? You’re leaving?”

  “Just for the weekend. I can still talk to you.”

  “Where?”

  “Maine, remember? We talked about this.”

  “Yeah, but you said you wouldn’t leave. Something might happen. What if you don’t come back?”

  My eyes went right to the dropped towel and my words stuck in my throat. Jesus Criminy. It wasn’t even sexual, not really. It wasn’t like that at all. Explaining it isn’t even feasible. The attraction was more of just that, an attraction, a pull toward something stronger than I could control. I had to have her and not in the physical sense. It wasn’t like that; it was more than that, yet I didn’t know what, why, or how. Something about her consumed me and with everything in me, I wanted more and more.

  In the eyes of the beholder.

  My father’s words, his own raspy tone sang in my head, and I stared at her, in a daze. For the first time in my life, I understood what he meant when he said that. My mind couldn’t wrap around that, but something in me knew it was more. More than her tranquil eyes, her perfect complexion, the smile that always caused this flutter like thing that I had been trying to ignore. She hid it, always trying to keep from it. Sometimes she even placed her hand over her lips, hiding it from the empty room. But once in a while she slipped, I saw it, and it went a very long way. I would think about it, visualizing it in my head a few times a day afterward.

  In the eyes of the beholder.

  “Hello?”

  “I’m here,” I said, crossing double t’s and adding a period with a quick dot to the end of my notes. “You won’t even know I’m not here. I’ll still watch a movie with you. I’ll still eat with you. I’ll still talk to you a few times throughout the day.”

  “But you won’t be here if something bad happens. What if Wallace hurts me because he knows you’re not here? He might, Ollie. For real.”

  “Jaq, that’s not going to happen. You don’t need Wallace to even come there. You have plenty of food.”

  “I don’t want you to leave. Why didn’t you just go? Why did you have to go and tell me?”

  That wasn’t expected. Within a few short weeks, Jaq had become dependent on me for her survival, and in a scientist’s sick kind of way, it made me want her even more. I thirsted for her blood without knowing what it even meant. Not like Silas. It wasn't her short skirt, long lashes, or sultry red lips as usually seen through his eyes. This burned deeper than that. Every time I looked at her, I couldn't stop looking at her, she had completely taken over my mind, my heart, and my soul. I felt her in a way I knew was special, like we were so close to something big, but had no clue what. That realization was hard for someone with my problem solving mind. I didn’t get it.

  “Ollie? Oh, my God. I’m hanging up. You’re not even listening to me. You don’t even care about me.”

  Jesus, God. It wasn’t that at all. Jaq stood, letting her towel fall to the floor, and I choked. Literally. I cleared the lump in my throat, trying to regain the lost composure. “Sorry, I was just taking some
notes.”

  “About me?”

  “Sort of. You could come with me, Jaq. You trust me, don’t you? Come with me.”

  I watched her sit again, a defeated, a sad look taking over her expression. “I can’t, but I do trust you.”

  “Then let’s do this. You don’t have to live in that dingy apartment where you’re afraid all the time. We could even keep doing this. You could have the master bedroom with the in suite bath, your own patio doors leading to your own private sitting area. You wouldn’t even have to come out until you’re ready. Please, Jaq,” I begged, pulling out every trump card I had to entice her.

  Jaq covered her naked body with a child’s Barney blanket and sighed, the purple dinosaur covering her perfect body. “I don’t want to, and I don’t want you to go there either. I can’t.”

  “Why, Jaq? Tell me why.”

  “Just leave me alone.”

  “Come on, really?” I chastised, unbelieving of her behavior, being back to that again. However, it was one second too late.

  Jaq hit the end button on her phone, but rather than closing the laptop in my face the way I expected, the way she’d done so many times before, she played her game. I watched her for hours, sometimes dropping the blanket when she stood to check her wet clothes, and sometimes holding it tight around her body. The computer went to sleep, but she didn’t. She mostly sat there staring off into space, every now and then jerking her head to a noise she’d heard, eyes wide with a fear I didn’t understand. She brushed her teeth four times, sitting between each brush and then anxiously jumping up to do it again. I wondered if it was an OCD symptom or if she’d forgotten that she’d already done it. That was the exact moment when I owned up to the feelings stirring behind my shorts, a useless emotion I didn’t really get. Something was looming, and I didn’t like the way it felt, something catastrophic, an imminent dark cloud.

  In the eye of the beholder.

  Chapter Five

  I set out on my seven-hour drive just after five in the morning, right after I checked in on Jaq. She did sleep. Some anyway. She was leaned against the tub, her head resting on the side, all curled up in her kid’s blanket, cute as could be. Her jeans were still hanging, but the panties and hoodie were gone. A feeling of content aligned with my mood, seeing her at peace, an inner smile that warmed my heart.

  My plan was to make it to Biloxi before Silas landed. If all went well, I’d arrive just in time, an hour or so ahead of him. Knowing the same scenery would do little for my wandering mind, I spent it trying to answer why question after why question. Unfortunately, I came up empty.

  Although my problem solving fell short, my trip went well, right up until just after ten in the morning that is. Panic set in at an alarming rate, a rapid amount of adrenaline pumping through my veins as soon as I saw her name. Jaq didn’t call me. I called Jaq. Jaq had never dialed my number. Ever. Something had to be wrong.

  “Jaq?”

  “It’s after ten. You already went to break. You didn’t call me. Why didn’t you call me, Ollie?”

  A deep breath to relax and chill my jumpy nerves came before my words. “You scared the hell out of me. I thought something was wrong.”

  “There is. Why didn’t you call me?”

  “We talked about this last night. How did you sleep?”

  “Stop asking me that. You know I don’t sleep. Where are you?”

  “I’m going to spend the weekend with my brother. You know this.”

  “But I told you I didn’t like it. It’s a bad idea. I don’t like this. What if something bad happens? You’re far, far away now.”

  “Stop doing that. You’re causing unneeded drama, all for nothing. I’ll be home Sunday afternoon. Besides, you’re not even going to notice I’m gone. It’ll be like any other night, and I’ll call you just like I always do. Same time, same place.”

  “But you didn’t call and you’re not in the same place.”

  “Stop. Did you eat breakfast yet? I stopped at this little place my dad used to insist on going to when we were kids. The place looked just like it did back then, and I’m pretty sure the gravy and biscuits got a whole lot better. Maybe we’ll go there some time.”

  The hesitation assured me that she at least let the thought sink in for a second. “I ate soup.”

  A smile crossed my lips and my nerves eased. “For breakfast? Soup?”

  “Is that wrong?”

  I contemplated her approval seeking question briefly before answering. “Sometimes I like cheese and crackers for breakfast.”

  Without seeing it, I knew that made her smile, but then her sad words made me reconsider. “I thought something happened to you.”

  “Hey, I’m here, aren’t I? It’s just a trip, Jaq, and I’m sorry about not calling right at ten. I was planning on calling as soon as I stopped for gas. Why don’t you walk across the road to the store today? I’ll have Wallace help you. He’ll make sure you get there and back. It’ll do you good to get some air.”

  “Why are you saying that? Why do you want me to go out there? You’re not coming back, are you? You’re just setting me up like Mrs. Bacon did. It’s not going to work. I won’t go out there. I’ll starve first.”

  “I don’t doubt that. Calm down. It was just a suggestion. Did I not make a promise to you? Have I not told you time and time again that I wasn’t going anywhere? That I’m right here? I’m not going anywhere, Jaq. I’m right here.”

  “I’m sorry, I’m not being very good. I—just. Sometimes—I. It feels—.”

  “I get it. Don’t worry about it. We’ll get there together.”

  “You don’t get it, Ollie. Nobody does. We’re not going to get anywhere together because I don’t want to. I don’t want this, and you’re not going to fix me. You’re not. You should just do it and get it over with. You’re wasting my time and yours.”

  I sidestepped the ending comment, but I wasn’t sure why. Maybe I wanted to get her mind off of it. Or…Mine. “You can’t stay locked up in that apartment forever. I’m not going to let you do that and we have a deal.”

  “Well, that’s all I can give you. I’ll probably never agree to leave here with you. You know that, right? I can’t. I’m probably never going out there again. I don’t want to.”

  “It’s fine. We’ll figure it out.”

  To get rid of the sad voice, I did what I always did, the only thing that seemed to work with her. I asked trivial little questions about trivial little things to take her mind off her fears.

  Jaq called again right after noon. I had just hit familiar ground. Well, sort of. A lot had changed since I had been back there. The dairy where we used to get ice-cream was closed up, the shoe store completely gone, building and all, and the drugstore on the corner, gone. New buildings had gone up in places that used to be crop fields, a shopping center, an office building, and a Walmart Supercenter, all new since I had been back there.

  “Hey, everything okay?” I questioned, my eyes on the familiar, yet foreign scenery around me.

  “No, my computer won’t work.”

  “What do you mean it won’t work?”

  “Nothing happens. It says no internet connection.”

  “I’ll take a look at it later.”

  “How? You’re all the way across the world.”

  One, she wouldn’t let me in her apartment anyway, so why did it even matter? And two, I questioned her geography, missing the sarcasm. We were both still on the east coast. “I will walk you through a couple things later,” I said as I drove out of town, unbelieving of how much things had changed. Even the county roads I had to go on looked different. New homes, a log yard, and horse ranch, all new to me. The horse ranch may have been there, just not as big. I vaguely remembered a conversation with my dad about it. He had planned on taking us there. Silas was stoked about it and I wasn’t having anything to do with it, but the memory still brought a good feeling. I could almost picture Silas and me in the back seat of that old Cadillac, arguing about getting
on a horse. Here I was staring thirty in the face and I still hadn’t done it.

  “Well, I have a rash. I need to look something up.”

  I rolled my eyes, but not only at Jaq’s new disease dilemma, the tracks in the long driveway, too. My eyes squinted from the bright sun to the barely visible path in front of me. Silas beat me, and I ignored the life threatening rash. “I’ll fix it later. I’ll call you after bit. I literally just got to the lake.”

  “You did? How is it? What does it look like?”

  Jaq’s inquisitiveness caused me to check myself, my feelings, and the warm sensation I felt from being there. It was grown up, no doubt about it, the place had been taken over by Mother Nature, but the beauty was still there. In the eye of the beholder. “It’s definitely spring. Little purple flowers are blooming all along the road, the trees are camouflaged with bright new leaves, and the sun is over a beautiful blue sky. I can’t wait for you to see it.”

  A deep sigh exhausted in my ear. “I have to go, bye Ollie.”

  “What are you doing?”

  “Working on my computer.”

  “Well, stop it. I’ll help you later. It’s lunch time. Go make yourself a nice lunch. Try a recipe for once.”

  “Where am I going to get it from, Einstein? My computer is broken.”

  “Your smart phone, Miss Einstein.”

  “Oh, I can look up this rash. I’m so dumb. Okay, I’ll talk to you later.”

  “Don’t look up the rash. Look for a recipe. Chicken Devine. It’s one of my favorites and I know for a fact you have everything to make it. Go look that up.”

  “What if I don’t like it? What if it’s my last meal?”

  I did the heavy sighing that time. “I’ll talk to you later.”

  “Okay, bye.”

  I shook my head at Silas, leaned against his car, hands opened, wearing a smile and dark shades. Silas and I were precisely the same height, but our shared genepool stopped right about there. I’d had glasses since I was three, Silas wore mirrored shades. I stayed fit by working out and lifting weights, Silas stayed buff, arms twice the size of mine, by doing the exact same thing. I had high cheekbones, Silas had a sharp jawline, the model kind that made me want to punch him in his pretty little face.