Drop of Doubt

  “Are you okay?”

  “What did I say about worrying about us?” he asked, though he didn’t seem upset. “Do me a favor, okay? Hang on to Silas for me. Or to Victor. Whichever one you want. Just hang on to someone until I can get there. I’ll try to get to you as soon as I can.”

  “When?”

  He chuckled. “Not soon enough. I don’t know though, okay?” He paused for a moment. A voice rattled off in the background behind him. “Kota says he’ll come see you soon, too.”

  “Tell him I say hi,” I said.

  “He says hi back, and brush your teeth. And go back to sleep.”

  “Is he serious?”

  “Yes. Brush your teeth.” Pause. “We’ve got to go, Baby.”

  I was going to say goodbye but North hung up before I could. It had me shaking again. He’d never hung up on me like that before. What got his attention now? Why was he working so late?

  “What did he say?” Victor asked.

  “He said stop worrying so much,” I said quietly, still pondering why North had to hang up so quickly. I straightened, knowing I wouldn’t get the answer then and there, and probably never would. Academy secrets. “Kota told me to brush my teeth.”

  Victor rolled his eyes. “Sometimes, I don’t understand him.” He moved to the sink, snatching up a white toothbrush from a silver cup. He held it out to me. “Do you want to? You don’t have to.”

  I held out my hand for the toothbrush, curious and amused now after Kota’s suggestion. “If you don’t mind girl cooties.”

  Victor smirked. “I’m vaccinated.”

  I swished my teeth with only a droplet of toothpaste. The surprising part was that brushing my teeth woke up my senses enough that I felt I was shaking off the dream. I stared at Silas and Victor behind me, my eyes widening in surprise at how I felt better.

  They both sent curious gazes back at me. I spit in the sink so I could talk. “How does Kota know so much?”

  “Sometimes I think he’s not human,” Victor said.

  I replaced Victor’s toothbrush. Silas picked up a towel and handed it to me. “Are you okay to sleep, or do you need anything else?”

  “I’m kind of not ready to sleep for a while. Like ever.” A shiver swept through me, catching me by surprise so I wasn’t able to hide it.

  Silas frowned. He took the towel from me and dropped it on the sink. He held out his arms. I thought he wanted another hug, but he scooped me up around my butt and picked me up off the ground. He half turned to Victor. “We can’t leave her too scared to go to sleep.”

  Victor nodded. “Yeah. Sang, we’re going back to sleep. Silas, get her in there. I’ll help.”

  “How?” I asked.

  Victor’s fire eyes smoldered. “You’ll see.”

  “Master Morgan?” a female voice broke through. It started me enough that I trembled against Silas. “Is everything okay?”

  Silas turned until his side faced the doorway, giving me an opportunity to see the plain girl from earlier. She focused solely on Victor and seemed to ignore Silas and me. She wore the same outfit from earlier and looked tired. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail but some strands cradled her face, looking a little disheveled.

  “We’re fine,” Victor said. “Sorry. Did we wake you?”

  “I was up,” she said. “I was doing some last minute things.”

  Victor waved her off. “Don’t stay up so late. But we’re fine. Thanks.”

  The girl’s face seemed to soften. She gave Silas and I a side glance, and the softness vanished until there wasn’t any readable expression. She retreated, heading back to the hallway.

  Was she really just up so late? I again wanted to ask Victor who she was, but I got the impression she was a maid or an assistant. Was she supposed to be on the lookout for Victor? How many more people worked for the Morgan family? He had mentioned security. How many people watched over him?

  Silas carried me out into the bedroom. He didn’t let go until we were near the bed. He lowered me carefully, as if I were a fragile doll and he didn’t want to break me. I wanted to let him know he didn’t have to be so gentle, but it was really sweet, and I didn’t have the heart to ask him to do it differently.

  I knee-walked across the bed, heading toward the middle again. Silas got in next to me.

  Victor drifted to the piano. His fingers brushed against the ivory. His face betrayed his deep thinking. He sat at the bench, swinging his hands back and forth over the keys as if trying to decide which ones to press first.

  I relaxed on my side, drawing a finger to my lip, nearly holding my breath.

  Victor began.

  I’d heard a lot of piano music over the years. I had a fondness for a few modern composers, putting their own spins on classic tunes and new symphonic music. I thought I’d heard lots of great musical talent. I had a collection of discs from musicians I loved and thought of someday trying to play those same tunes on the violin or piano. I thought they were all amazing and at the pinnacles of their craft.

  I was completely dead wrong about everything I thought I knew about music.

  Softness. Soothing. Beautiful. It was everything those fire eyes often expressed to me, but I sometimes didn’t understand. The music gave his passion a voice.

  His eyes never left his fingers, but he wasn’t really focused on them, either. He seemed to know the soft melody by heart. I didn’t recognize it, but it reminded me of a dream.

  I listened, willing myself to stay awake long enough to hear all of it. The music was beautiful and Victor was alluring himself. I didn’t want to miss a moment.

  But Silas’s hand sought out my back, and he rubbed in a gentle motion. It was like he knew I was forcing myself to stay awake and he wasn't going to let me resist Victor’s lullaby.

  ♥♥♥

  A sharp barking woke me. It was distant, and in the few moments I’d forgotten where I was, I wondered if Kota had replaced Max, his Golden Retriever, for a tiny ankle biter dog.

  As my eyes fluttered open, I remembered I was still at Victor’s. Victor was on his side, with the blanket stuffed around his body, buried in sleep.

  Silas was gone. I wondered if he was out in the office or if he’d left.

  The barking dog continued, drawing closer. I stretched, moving across the bed to the window. I leaned over, planting a palm on the windowsill to hold myself up and pulled aside the curtain.

  I couldn’t see the sidewalk below because of the wall, but I could sense the location of the little dog. The owner must have been walking him because they stopped just under one of the palm trees. The dog was barking in such a conniption, I wondered if it had spotted a cat or another dog.

  “Arf, arf, arf.” I yipped back at it.

  “Princess,” Victor grumbled behind me. “Please stop barking at the neighbors.”

  I snickered, letting the curtain fall back. Victor had turned around, eyes half open. A sleepy smile spread over his face. He opened his arms up in invitation. His chest was bare and his lean muscles flexed as he reached for me.

  I knee-walked over to him, falling into his hug. He tugged me down until I was relaxing next to him. His arms wrapped around me. His fingers found my ribs and traced across my bones just like how he slid his fingers against the keys. I wondered if that’s why he often traced my ribs like he did. Did they remind him of piano keys?

  He pressed his face to my hair, nuzzling at my head. “I could get used to you spending the night over here. We should do this more often.”

  I rubbed my cheek against his chest. My fingers smoothed over the Red Sox shirt I wore. “What are we doing today?”

  “God, you sound like the rest of them,” he said, though I felt his lips curling upward and I could tell he was grinning. “We’re a bad influence on you. First thing in the morning and you want to get up and get going.”

  “Sorry.”

  “You’re not sorry.” He inhaled against my head, stretching. “I’ve got to go switch out our phones. But t
he first thing we’re going to do is stop by the spa.”

  “The spa?”

  He nudged me. I sat up. He swung his feet out until he was on the floor. The pajama pants he wore hung low on his hips. He stretched his bare back, and the lean muscles stood out against his body. He rubbed his fingers against his spine. “Crashing the car last night is getting to me.”

  “Are you hurt?”

  “No. Just stiff.” He glanced back at me. The fire in his eyes lit up to a spark. “I love the way your face looks when you’ve just woken up.”

  The compliment caught me off guard, and all I could manage to do was stare at him. His own face was always good-looking, with the angles of his jaw, and the way his wavy hair framed his face. Now he had a light layer of unshaven shadow, and his eyes weren’t fully open, making him look peaceful, happy. I wanted to say this to him, but I couldn’t find the right words. My lips parted, wanting to say anything, until his eyes locked on mine and I couldn’t find my voice.

  He held a hand out to me, palm up. “Let’s go, Princess.”

  I let him guide me off the bed until I was standing beside him. He traced his thumb over the soft skin between my thumb and forefinger. With his free hand, he reached for the cordless phone by his bed. He stared at the buttons for a moment, before pressing them in sequence and holding the phone to his ear.

  “Janet? Hi, it’s Victor. Do you have an opening this morning for two?” He paused.

  I leaned in, pressing my cheek to his shoulder to hide my blushing. I’d never gotten out of the house for things other than school and other mundane necessities and I was about to go to a spa with him. My mind flew with ideas of what it might be like. What would we do there?

  He continued tracing my skin with his thumb as he spoke into the phone. “Yes?” His eyes sought out the clock by his bed that read seven a.m.. “Seven forty-five? Sure, we can make it. Thank you.” He pressed the button and dropped the phone onto the covers on the bed. “Run and take a shower, Princess. We’ve got to go.”

  “Should I wear the clothes I wore yesterday?”

  “Aw, I forgot,” he said. He frowned, raking fingers through his wavy hair to drag it out of his eyes. “No. Wait. Hang on. I’ll go get you something.” He nudged me toward the bathroom. “Go shower. I’ll bring something up to you.”

  My nerves started to rattle as he said shower. I opened the bathroom door. I avoided looking at the shower stall, and instead focused on the large tub.

  “We don’t have time for that,” Victor said behind me. “Just do a quick shower. You can take a bath later if you want.”

  That wasn’t the problem, I wanted to say. I bit my lip, stepping inside the bathroom and closing the door behind me. I didn’t lock it. I knew better. If he really wanted in, he’d get in. And he wouldn’t come in unless I wanted him to.

  I stood for a couple of minutes with my back against the door. I knew I should hurry. I wasn’t sure how far away this spa was or what Victor had planned, but I didn’t want him to be late.

  The standing shower appeared bigger to me this morning that it had been yesterday. The dark tile looked smooth. The walls were beige rocks, almost like the outface of a vertical mountain side.

  Maybe it’ll be different. It had been a while since I had tried to take a shower. And this was a different shower. This was Victor’s. We were behind his safe wall. We were safe. I could do this.

  I sucked in some courage. I snatched up a towel from the closet, dropping it on a rack next to the stall. I undressed quickly, planting my things in a small pile on the counter.

  With shaking knees, I reached into the shower, flicking the handle to start the water.

  The spray started instantly, streaming down in a powerful jet.

  My entire body started to rattle, until I found it hard to stand up straight. My breath caught. I felt better when I wasn’t looking at the water, so I focused on the floor. Then I closed my eyes. I felt stupid, but it was better this way.

  It took clenching the wall in a death grip before I could work my feet forward. I hovered with my toes just inside the wall of the shower.

  I have to do this. I couldn’t disappoint Victor. I needed to hurry, too.

  With my eyes closed, I tried to force myself to think of things I liked. I thought of Victor’s music. I thought of Silas’s corny jokes. I thought of Kota counting off as he tried to dance with me. I thought of Gabriel cutting my hair.

  I inched forward.

  My breath caught again.

  The dizzying sensation was unrelenting.

  The water spritzed against my skin.

  The boys’ faces ebbed away from my mind, replaced by McCoy’s angry face, and his hand grabbing at me. My mother’s dull eyes were behind him, commanding I kneel.

  I collapsed to the floor on my knees. The spray of the water met my back. I kowtowed in front of it.

  My mind blanked out.

  ♥♥♥

  “Sang!”

  Victor’s voice called me back. I was aware I was kneeling. Why was I kneeling again? Kota told me not to kneel.

  Only I couldn’t move. I couldn’t power my muscles to do what I wanted.

  The shower was turned off. A towel was dropped around my body. Arms collected me around the towel, picking me up and dragging me out of the shower stall.

  My body trembled back to life. My breath returned. I gasped for it, unaware of how long I’d been out of air, but suddenly discovering I didn’t have enough.

  Victor was on his knees in front of the open shower stall door. His arms lifted me into his lap. He held me close, his hands smoothing over the towel along my back. “Princess? Sang? What happened? What’s wrong?”

  My cheeks were blazing with heat as strong as the fire that stoked in his eyes. I swallowed, surprised to find my throat thick as if I’d been crying. Then I realized I was crying and that I was naked except for the towel. I’d passed out again trying to force myself into the shower. He was fully dressed in his usual white shirt and dark pants. How long was I out? Why was I so horrible? Why couldn’t I shower?

  “Sang?” Victor pleaded through his cracking voice. “God, say something. Please.”

  “I can’t do it, Victor,” I said, my own voice cracking along with his. I stuffed the edge of the towel around my body, twisting it until it was snug against me. Keeping my hands busy with it seemed to drive the words from my lips. “I can’t ...” I swallowed. “I just can’t.”

  “What’s wrong? I’ll fix it. I’ll do anything you want. Just tell me what.”

  “I can’t—” I started to say, but admitting was so hard. And he should know. He’d told me the story before about how he held back what his father did to him, how his father used to belittle him for so long. He kept it for so long until he finally told the others.

  The hardest thing to do.

  The best thing he ever did.

  “What, Princess? What can’t you do?”

  I shoved my face against his shoulder, wrapping my arms around his neck, letting go of the towel. I didn’t care about it. I wanted to curl up into Victor and disappear. I couldn’t get enough of his arms around me, making me believe I could trust him. I needed him more than ever and for something so stupid I worried he’d laugh and call me out for being that way. “I can’t take a shower,” I whispered, my voice shaking as I cried. “I can’t do it anymore.”

  “Why?” he asked. He scooped me closer into his lap, pulling me close into him until his chest met with mine. The white Armani shirt became wet and stuck to his frame. His hands pressed me against his body, gripping at me as if promising never to let go. “Why can’t you? What happens?”

  “I can’t stop seeing their faces,” I whispered, so softly I was sure he couldn’t hear me. I was only mouthing the words. “My mother’s. McCoy’s. I feel like I’m about to be tied up in the shower again.”

  Victor sniffed strongly, burying his face against my neck. “Oh god, I’m sorry. Is that why you don’t shower anymore? I thought ..
. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

  “You knew?”

  “I haven’t heard you take a shower in a while. Even when we’re at Kota’s, you fill up the bath. And then last night when I mentioned it, you acted like I’d just asked you to squish a spider with your bare hand.” He nuzzled at my neck. His hand felt along my back, tracing along my rib cage. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know it was like that. Why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “What am I supposed to say?” I asked. My voice croaked. “It’s stupid. I’m afraid of the shower.”

  “It’s not your fault, Princess.”

  “It’s a shower,” I squealed at him. “I thought I could this time. I thought since it was a different place—”

  “Is it just the shower? I know you were taking baths.”

  “I don’t know what it is,” I said, exasperated. I realized I was reacting and being short with him and it wasn’t helping. I pressed my cheek against his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry.”

  “I’m sorry, Victor.”

  Victor released a sigh. He sucked in a deep breath, tucked his arms underneath me and lifted me from his lap, standing. He carried me back into the bedroom. He positioned me on the bed for a moment as he picked up the phone. He held on to it and to me, and headed back into the bathroom.

  He avoided the shower. Instead he went for the large bath tub. He sat on the edge, placing me in his lap. “Hang on to me, Princess.”

  I kept my arms around his neck, holding myself up against him. With one hand, he turned the faucets of the bathtub. He took his time, testing the water temperature to find what he wanted. With his other hand, he hit the redial button on the phone and held it to his ear.

  “Janet?” he asked into the phone. “It’s Victor. Sorry to do this to you, but could you push it back an hour? No, that’s fine. Thank you.” He put the phone on the ledge against the side of the tub.

  The jets of water streamed into the bathtub and filled it up quickly. He found a bottle by the collection off to the side, flicked it open with one hand and held it upside down against the streams. The tub water foamed with the bubble bath mixture. He dropped the bottle onto the side again. He cupped me around the back, lifting his foot. Hanging on to me with one arm, he hooked a finger into his shoe, slipping it off and sliding to the floor. He found the edge of his sock, sliding it off.