Pig City

  She woke up laughing.

  She sat up in bed and looked around her room. Her clock radio said 5:29. I tore up that dress, she remembered.

  She got out of bed. It was almost time to get up, anyway, and she was afraid to go back to sleep.

  As she washed her hair, the clouds left her head and her real worries returned. Could she trust Gabriel? Would Mr. Doyle have proof?

  Her answers were yes and no, and she hoped she had them in the right order.

  She brushed her hair a hundred times. She got dressed, putting on her cap last. She skipped breakfast. She was too nervous to sit and eat. She walked to school, brave and confident, or at least pretending to be.

  She entered the school building through the side door and made her way to Mr. Doyle’s room. There was no reason not to continue writing her messages. She refused to let Mr. Doyle intimidate her.

  She stopped before the yellow curtain. If he was in there, waiting for her with a camera, she’d tell him she’d come in to get a book.

  She stepped inside. He wasn’t there.

  She had to get a book, anyway. Otherwise, it would have been a lie if she had said what she was going to say, even though she never said it. She didn’t have time to figure out whether that made sense or not.

  Book in hand, she went to the blackboard and tried to think of something clever to write. Since it might be her last message, she wanted it to be the best one she’d ever written. She remembered she wrote something hilarious in her dream, but couldn’t remember what it was.

  It came to her: PIGS WEAR SHOES! She started to write it, then stopped. She made a face. That’s not funny, she thought.

  It was the raw egg!

  She wrote PIG POWER on the board, then hurried out of the room, safe.

  37

  Boxed

  Gabriel was absent.

  Good, thought Laura. She hoped he was putting the treasures back in the Dog House. He better be!

  Mr. Doyle waited for everyone to settle into their seats. Without saying a word he got up from behind his desk and walked to the blackboard. He erased PIG POWER, then moved to the side of the board where DICTIONARY was written. He erased the number 16 and wrote 17 in its place. Then, as everyone watched in hushed silence, he began to write something inside the rectangle.

  He wrote the letter L, then stepped away.

  All of the members of Pig City and former members of Monkey Town turned and looked at Laura.

  She held her head high and tried to look brave. He can’t prove it, she tried to tell herself.

  Mr. Doyle finished writing the name inside the rectangle. The name was LINZY.

  Laura had to look at it three times before she realized it wasn’t her name. She felt dizzy with joy.

  The citizens of Pig City all turned and smiled at her, fists at noses. She happily returned the salutes.

  The rest of the class was going crazy. Everyone was talking – either about how they never would have thought it was Linzy, or how they knew it all the time, or that there was no possible way she could copy seventeen dictionary pages in just eight days.

  “I didn’t do it!” Linzy wailed. “It wasn’t me!”

  “Quiet, or I’ll make it eighteen!” said Mr. Doyle.

  Linzy wiped her eyes.

  “You thought I would think it was Laura, didn’t you?” asked Mr. Doyle. “Because of her hat. But I knew Laura wouldn’t be foolish enough to write those messages when she’s wearing a cap that says ‘Pig City.’”

  Laura smiled. That was just what she thought Mr. Doyle would think.

  “You’ve got to believe me!” Linzy pleaded.

  “I told you I’d have proof, and I have it,” Mr. Doyle said sternly. He turned to face the class. “My first clue came two weeks ago, when a teacher reported seeing Linzy in the building before school started.”

  “But I told you, Mr. Doyle,” Linzy pleaded. “I just came in to get a book so I could finish my homework.”

  “Yes, I know what you told me, Linzy,” said Mr. Doyle. “At that time, I couldn’t prove anything. But that was when I began to suspect you. Still waters run deep, don’t they?”

  He turned back to the class. “Yesterday the message on the board was ‘Pigs Are Punctilious.’ You might remember that Linzy asked me what punctilious meant. She thought she was being so clever. Odd, isn’t it, Linzy, that you didn’t know what it meant, yet you pronounced it perfectly!” He smiled smugly.

  Laura could hardly keep from laughing.

  “That was when I was sure it was Linzy,” Mr. Doyle continued, “but I still needed proof. I got that this morning from the librarian.” He reached into the inside pocket of his sports jacket and pulled out a card like the kind found inside library books. “This is the card from Charlotte’s Web,” he said. “Linzy checked out the book a month ago. It is two weeks overdue.”

  “I thought I returned that book!” sobbed Linzy. “Besides, that doesn’t mean anything.”

  “As most of you know, the main character of Charlotte’s Web is a pig,” Mr. Doyle said. “In the book, Charlotte the spider writes messages on her web telling the world how great the pig is. Sound familiar?”

  Linzy covered her face with her hands. “It wasn’t me,” she whimpered.

  Laura no longer thought it was funny. She felt awful.

  “You better stop crying and start writing,” Mr. Doyle said coldly. “That is, if you want to graduate.”

  Linzy dropped her head into her arms, which were folded on her desk.

  Laura stood up. “Linzy didn’t write on the board,” she stated. She took off her cap, shook her hair back off her face, and pulled the cap back on. “I did!”

  Mr. Doyle smiled. “Thank you, Laura,” he said. “That’s the proof I wanted. And thank you, Linzy, for your fine performance.”

  “It was hard to keep from laughing,” said Linzy. She turned around and said, “Sorry, Laura. I didn’t know it would be you.” Her face was free of tears.

  Laura remained standing, too stunned to move.

  Mr. Doyle erased Linzy’s name and put LAURA inside the box.

  38

  Betrayed

  For the rest of the morning, Laura sat like a zombie, staring off into space. She was oblivious to all that went on around her. Mr. Doyle had tricked her! How could I have been so stupid? she asked herself again and again. I should have known he never suspected Linzy – his pet!

  Worst of all, it happened in front of everybody. She wondered what the members of Pig City thought of her now. She never felt more ashamed in her life.

  Seventeen dictionary pages! It might as well have been a million. Today was Thursday. Next Friday was the last day of school. There was no way she’d be able to copy seventeen dictionary pages in just eight days!

  She was the last one out of the room for recess. Numbly, she walked outside. The rest of Pig City was waiting for her, fists at noses. Listlessly, she returned the salute.

  “I couldn’t believe what you did!” said Nathan.

  Laura looked sadly down at the ground.

  “It was so … noble,” finished Nathan.

  Laura looked up, surprised.

  “I was feeling sorry for Linzy,” said Debbie, “but I never would have the courage to do what you did. It made me proud to be a member of Pig City.”

  “The way you stood up like that,” said Tiffany: “‘Linzy didn’t write on the board, I did!’ It gave me goose bumps.”

  “It was the bravest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Allison.

  Laura couldn’t believe it. “I was stupid,” she said. “Mr. Doyle tricked me.”

  “You had no way of knowing that,” said Kristin. “You sacrificed yourself so an innocent person wouldn’t suffer.”

  “It was noble,” said Nathan. “You deserve the Nobel prize!”

  “It was like something Martin Luther King or George Washington would have done,” said Allison.

  Laura felt her eyes swell with tears. She had never told Allison she
wanted to be like George Washington.

  “I think that was the worst thing a teacher could do,” said Debbie. “Mr. Doyle knew how good you are. He used your goodness and your nobleness to trap you!”

  “Hey, that’s right!” said Aaron. “He shouldn’t be allowed to do that! It’s not fair. It’s like he’s punishing you for being so good.”

  The more they talked, the more they hated Mr. Doyle, and the more they admired Laura.

  “Let me copy your dictionary pages for you,” said Tiffany.

  “I’ll help, too,” said Kristin.

  “We all will!” said Aaron.

  Everyone cheered. Nathan said, “Okee-dokee-do!”

  “What Laura wrote on the board, she wrote for all of us!” said Kristin. “She did it for Pig City. And now Pig City won’t let her down!”

  They all cheered again.

  Laura laughed and cried at the same time.

  They tried to figure out the best way to divide seventeen by seven.

  “Laura shouldn’t have to do any,” said Debbie. “We’ll each do three, and we’ll still have one left over!”

  “Laura can write on the board again tomorrow!” declared Kristin.

  They all laughed.

  Laura was proud to have such wonderful friends. She tried to tell them she’d copy her share, too, but she was too choked up to speak.

  “Let’s copy only pages with dirty words!” Tiffany suggested.

  “Are there dirty words in the dictionary?” asked Allison. She was shocked.

  “Haven’t you ever read the sex page?” asked Tiffany. “It’s full of words starting with s-e-x.”

  “And the definitions are great,” Kristin added.

  “I’ll copy that page,” said Tiffany.

  “I’ll copy the page with ‘urine’ on it,” said Debbie.

  They all tried to think of good pages to copy.

  “I get ‘excrement’,” said Kristin. “And ‘dung’. And ‘feces’, too. I’ll do those three.”

  “‘Ass,’” said Nathan. “I know ‘ass’ is in the dictionary, even if they’re just talking about the donkey!”

  “‘Tinkle,’” said Debbie.

  “‘Buttocks,’” said Aaron.

  “Oh, I just thought of a great word,” said Allison, “but I can’t say it.” She blushed.

  “Is it a part of the body?” asked Tiffany.

  “We should think of a way to get even with Linzy,” said Debbie. “She was in on it, too.”

  “But she said she didn’t know it was Laura,” said Aaron.

  “So? Ignorance is no excuse,” said Nathan.

  “We’ll figure out a way to get Linzy into trouble, this time for real,” said Debbie. “No one should make it through the year without copying at least one page.”

  “Hey!” said Kristin. “What’s going on over there?”

  There was a big commotion in the center of the playground.

  It was Gabriel. He was marching around the blacktop. Music blared out of a huge portable stereo that he held in the air. There was some kind of white cloth hanging from the top of it, like a flag.

  As he got closer, the music became clearer.

  “… pick my nose, pick my nose,

  I just love to pick my nose,

  It is so much fun.”

  Aaron turned pale.

  “My underpants!” screamed Kristin.

  Kristin’s underpants were hanging from Gabriel’s stick. That was his flag.

  “I’m in love with every girl,

  Every girl, every girl,

  I’m in love with every girl,

  In Mr. Doyle’s class.”

  Aaron covered his ears with his hands and ran.

  Kristin rushed toward Gabriel. Tiffany, Allison, Debbie, and Nathan hurried after her.

  Laura took a couple of steps, then remained where she was.

  Gabriel swung the stick around over his head until Kristin’s underpants flew off into the air. A group of boys jumped for them. Kristin screamed. Her underpants were passed from one boy to another as she helplessly chased after them.

  At first, the other members of Pig City tried to help her, but they soon had problems of their own as Gabriel continued to pass around the treasures.

  “Extra! Extra! Read all about it!” he shouted, holding Tiffany’s newspaper high in the air. “Tiffany’s Ticklish!”

  Tiffany was chased out of the crowd by a mob of would-be ticklers. “It’s your fault, Laura!” she shouted as she ran past her.

  Laura knew Tiffany was right.

  The music started again.

  “I am such a stupid jerk,

  Stupid jerk, stupid jerk …”

  A boy tossed Kristin’s underpants up at the basketball hoop. He missed. Several other boys jumped for the rebound. There were several more attempts at the basket, until the underpants finally got stuck – draped over the rim.

  “I don’t have a brain.”

  Kristin stared forlornly up at her underpants. Her face was streaked with tears. “I hate you, Laura!” she yelled, in a voice Laura hardly recognized.

  The ticklers caught up with Tiffany. She rolled around on the grass, laughing herself to pieces.

  “I’m in love with every girl,

  In Mr. Doyle’s class.”

  Gabriel took out the tape and put in a new one. “Hey, everybody! Listen to this!”

  Everyone quieted down.

  “Hello. May I talk to Howard, please?

  (I think that was his mother.)”

  [Laughter]

  “Howard? Oh, Howard, is it really you? This is… your secret admirer. I love you, Howard. You’re so handsome.”

  (‘Passionately.’)

  “I love you passionately!”

  “I can’t tell you. I’m afraid you’ll break my heart.”

  [Laughter]

  “That was Debbie. She just called Howard and told him she loved him passionately, didn’t you, Debbie?”

  “Yes. That was me. I’m Debbie. I disguised my voice because I love Howard so much, and I’m afraid he won’t love me back.”

  [Laughter]

  The crowd was hysterical. Everyone jeered at Debbie as she ran to the girls’ bathroom.

  The yard teacher put her hand on Gabriel’s shoulder. She took the boom box from him, then collected the other treasures, except for Kristin’s underpants, which she couldn’t reach. She made Gabriel sit on a bench for the rest of the recess.

  “I trusted you, Laura,” said Allison with tears in her eyes.

  Laura didn’t know what to say.

  “The whole school has seen me naked!” Allison sobbed.

  “Hey, Allison!” a boy called. “When are you going to be in Playboy?”

  She covered her face with her hands and ran.

  “Uh-oh,” said another boy. “It’s Laura. We better be good. She might tell her boyfriend – Mr. Doyle.”

  They laughed.

  “Will you invite us to the wedding?”

  “How many children are you going to have?”

  When the bell rang, she headed back to class alone. She wasn’t George Washington or Martin Luther King anymore. She was Richard Nixon.

  “Well, don’t expect me to copy any of your dictionary pages for you,” Aaron said to her.

  “I don’t,” said Laura. “I don’t expect anything from anybody.”

  “Hi, Laura, what’s new?” asked Gabriel. He was stretched out on the bench with his hands behind his head, smiling smugly.

  39

  Judgment Day

  Gabriel wrote his name on the blackboard under the word DICTIONARY, just beneath the box with LAURA in it. He walked proudly back to his seat.

  Everyone else remained absolutely silent as Mr. Doyle looked through the Treasures of Pig City laid out across his desk. No one dared laugh.

  “Kristin,” said Mr. Doyle.

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Your underpants are in the office. You can pick them up after school.”
r />   “Yes, sir.”

  “In the future,” he said, “keep them under your pants. That’s why they’re called underpants. A word to the wise.”

  Still, no one laughed.

  “Allison, will you come here, please.”

  Allison’s face was red with embarrassment as she stood up in front of a room full of kids, all of whom had seen her naked. She walked to Mr. Doyle’s desk.

  “You were a very cute baby,” he said. He returned her picture to her.

  “Thank you,” said Allison. She tore the picture to bits and dropped it in the trash, then returned to her seat.

  “Nathan!” Mr. Doyle thundered.

  Nathan shut his eyes tight, scrunching his face. Up to now, he was the only one who had been spared. He stood and slowly walked to meet his doom.

  “Did you write this?” asked Mr. Doyle.

  He scrunched his face even tighter as he looked at his letter.

  Dear Mr. Doyle,

  You stink. You are the most ugliest teacher in the school! Your too stupid to be a teacher! And you have bad breath. I hate you.

  Sincerely,

  Nathan

  “Yes, sir,” he squeaked.

  Mr. Doyle frowned and shook his head. “Do you realize how bad this is?” he asked.

  “It wasn’t wise, was it?” said Nathan.

  “No, it wasn’t,” said Mr. Doyle. “‘Most ugliest’? You know better than that, Nathan. It’s either ‘ugliest’ or ‘most ugly,’ but never ‘most ugliest.’ We studied superlatives at the beginning of the year.”

  Nathan’s face slowly unscrunched.

  “Look how you spelled ‘your,’” Mr. Doyle continued. “‘Your too stupid to be a teacher!’”

  “When you spell ‘your’ that way, it’s a possessive: your book, your house, your foot. In this letter, you meant to use it as a contraction for ‘you are’, didn’t you?”

  “Um, I guess so.”

  “Then, how would it have been applied?”

  “Um.” Nathan wiped his face. “Y-o-u-apos-trophe-r-e.”

  “Why didn’t you spell it correctly the first time?”

  Nathan shrugged.

  “I don’t know what’s the matter with you, Nathan. You’re about to graduate, and you’ve forgotten everything you’ve learned. Look at this.