History of Tom Jones, a Foundling

  Chapter vi.

  A friendly conversation in the kitchen, which had a very common,though not very friendly, conclusion.

  While our lovers were entertaining themselves in the manner which ispartly described in the foregoing chapter, they were likewisefurnishing out an entertainment for their good friends in the kitchen.And this in a double sense, by affording them matter for theirconversation, and, at the same time, drink to enliven their spirits.

  There were now assembled round the kitchen fire, besides my landlordand landlady, who occasionally went backward and forward, MrPartridge, the serjeant, and the coachman who drove the young lady andher maid.

  Partridge having acquainted the company with what he had learnt fromthe Man of the Hill concerning the situation in which Mrs Waters hadbeen found by Jones, the serjeant proceeded to that part of herhistory which was known to him. He said she was the wife of Mr Waters,who was a captain in their regiment, and had often been with him atquarters. "Some folks," says he, "used indeed to doubt whether theywere lawfully married in a church or no. But, for my part, that's nobusiness of mine: I must own, if I was put to my corporal oath, Ibelieve she is little better than one of us; and I fancy the captainmay go to heaven when the sun shines upon a rainy day. But if he does,that is neither here nor there; for he won't want company. And thelady, to give the devil his due, is a very good sort of lady, andloves the cloth, and is always desirous to do strict justice to it;for she hath begged off many a poor soldier, and, by her good-will,would never have any of them punished. But yet, to be sure, EnsignNortherton and she were very well acquainted together at our lastquarters; that is the very right and truth of the matter. But thecaptain he knows nothing about it; and as long as there is enough forhim too, what does it signify? He loves her not a bit the worse, and Iam certain would run any man through the body that was to abuse her;therefore I won't abuse her, for my part. I only repeat what otherfolks say; and, to be certain, what everybody says, there must be sometruth in."--"Ay, ay, a great deal of truth, I warrant you," criesPartridge; "_Veritas odium parit_"--"All a parcel of scandalousstuff," answered the mistress of the house. "I am sure, now she isdrest, she looks like a very good sort of lady, and she behavesherself like one; for she gave me a guinea for the use of mycloaths."--"A very good lady indeed!" cries the landlord; "and if youhad not been a little too hasty, you would not have quarrelled withher as you did at first."--"You need mention that with my truly!"answered she: "if it had not been for your nonsense, nothing hadhappened. You must be meddling with what did not belong to you, andthrow in your fool's discourse."--"Well, well," answered he; "what'spast cannot be mended, so there's an end of the matter."--"Yes," criesshe, "for this once; but will it be mended ever the more hereafter?This is not the first time I have suffered for your numscull's pate. Iwish you would always hold your tongue in the house, and meddle onlyin matters without doors, which concern you. Don't you remember whathappened about seven years ago?"--"Nay, my dear," returned he, "don'trip up old stories. Come, come, all's well, and I am sorry for what Ihave done." The landlady was going to reply, but was prevented by thepeace-making serjeant, sorely to the displeasure of Partridge, who wasa great lover of what is called fun, and a great promoter of thoseharmless quarrels which tend rather to the production of comical thantragical incidents.

  The serjeant asked Partridge whither he and his master were travelling?"None of your magisters," answered Partridge; "I am no man's servant, Iassure you; for, though I have had misfortunes in the world, I writegentleman after my name; and, as poor and simple as I may appear now, Ihave taught grammar-school in my time; _sed hei mihi! non sum quodfui_."--"No offence, I hope, sir," said the serjeant; "where, then, ifI may venture to be so bold, may you and your friend betravelling?"--"You have now denominated us right," says Partridge."_Amici sumus._ And I promise you my friend is one of the greatestgentlemen in the kingdom" (at which words both landlord and landladypricked up their ears). "He is the heir of Squire Allworthy."--"What,the squire who doth so much good all over the country?" cries mylandlady. "Even he," answered Partridge.--"Then I warrant," says she,"he'll have a swinging great estate hereafter."--"Most certainly,"answered Partridge.--"Well," replied the landlady, "I thought the firstmoment I saw him he looked like a good sort of gentleman; but myhusband here, to be sure, is wiser than anybody."--"I own, my dear,"cries he, "it was a mistake."--"A mistake, indeed!" answered she; "butwhen did you ever know me to make such mistakes?"--"But how comes it,sir," cries the landlord, "that such a great gentleman walks about thecountry afoot?"--"I don't know," returned Partridge; "great gentlemenhave humours sometimes. He hath now a dozen horses and servants atGloucester; and nothing would serve him, but last night, it being veryhot weather, he must cool himself with a walk to yon high hill, whitherI likewise walked with him to bear him company; but if ever you catchme there again: for I was never so frightened in all my life. We metwith the strangest man there."--"I'll be hanged," cries the landlord,"if it was not the Man of the Hill, as they call him; if indeed he be aman; but I know several people who believe it is the devil that livesthere."--"Nay, nay, like enough," says Partridge; "and now you put mein the head of it, I verily and sincerely believe it was the devil,though I could not perceive his cloven foot: but perhaps he might havethe power given him to hide that, since evil spirits can appear in whatshapes they please."--"And pray, sir," says the serjeant, "no offence,I hope; but pray what sort of a gentleman is the devil? For I haveheard some of our officers say there is no such person; and that it isonly a trick of the parsons, to prevent their being broke; for, if itwas publickly known that there was no devil, the parsons would be of nomore use than we are in time of peace."--"Those officers," saysPartridge, "are very great scholars, I suppose."--"Not much ofschollards neither," answered the serjeant; "they have not half yourlearning, sir, I believe; and, to be sure, I thought there must be adevil, notwithstanding what they said, though one of them was acaptain; for methought, thinks I to myself, if there be no devil, howcan wicked people be sent to him? and I have read all that upon abook."--"Some of your officers," quoth the landlord, "will find thereis a devil, to their shame, I believe. I don't question but he'll payoff some old scores upon my account. Here was one quartered upon mehalf a year, who had the conscience to take up one of my best beds,though he hardly spent a shilling a day in the house, and suffered hismen to roast cabbages at the kitchen fire, because I would not givethem a dinner on a Sunday. Every good Christian must desire thereshould be a devil for the punishment of such wretches."--"Harkee,landlord," said the serjeant, "don't abuse the cloth, for I won't takeit."--"D--n the cloth!" answered the landlord, "I have suffered enoughby them."--"Bear witness, gentlemen," says the serjeant, "he curses theking, and that's high treason."--"I curse the king! you villain," saidthe landlord. "Yes, you did," cries the serjeant; "you cursed thecloth, and that's cursing the king. It's all one and the same; forevery man who curses the cloth would curse the king if he durst; so formatter o' that, it's all one and the same thing."--"Excuse me there, MrSerjeant," quoth Partridge, "that's a _non sequitur_."--"None of youroutlandish linguo," answered the serjeant, leaping from his seat; "Iwill not sit still and hear the cloth abused."--"You mistake me,friend," cries Partridge. "I did not mean to abuse the cloth; I onlysaid your conclusion was a _non sequitur_.[*]"--"Youare another," cries the serjeant," an you come to that. No more a_sequitur_ than yourself. You are a pack of rascals, and I'll prove it;for I will fight the best man of you all for twenty pound." Thischallenge effectually silenced Partridge, whose stomach for drubbingdid not so soon return after the hearty meal which he had lately beentreated with; but the coachman, whose bones were less sore, and whoseappetite for fighting was somewhat sharper, did not so easily brook theaffront, of which he conceived some part at least fell to his share. Hestarted therefore from his seat, and, advancing to the serjeant, sworehe looked on himself to be as good a man as any in the army, andoffered to box for a guinea. The military man accepted the combat, butrefused the wager; upon which both immedia
tely stript and engaged, tillthe driver of horses was so well mauled by the leader of men, that hewas obliged to exhaust his small remainder of breath in begging forquarter.

  [*] This word, which the serjeant unhappily mistook for an affront, is a term in logic, and means that the conclusion does not follow from the premises.

  The young lady was now desirous to depart, and had given orders forher coach to be prepared; but all in vain, for the coachman wasdisabled from performing his office for that evening. An antientheathen would perhaps have imputed this disability to the god ofdrink, no less than to the god of war; for, in reality, both thecombatants had sacrificed as well to the former deity as to thelatter. To speak plainly, they were both dead drunk, nor was Partridgein a much better situation. As for my landlord, drinking was histrade; and the liquor had no more effect on him than it had on anyother vessel in his house.

  The mistress of the inn, being summoned to attend Mr Jones and hiscompanion at their tea, gave a full relation of the latter part of theforegoing scene; and at the same time expressed great concern for theyoung lady, "who," she said, "was under the utmost uneasiness at beingprevented from pursuing her journey. She is a sweet pretty creature,"added she, "and I am certain I have seen her face before. I fancy sheis in love, and running away from her friends. Who knows but someyoung gentleman or other may be expecting her, with a heart as heavyas her own?"

  Jones fetched a heavy sigh at those words; of which, though Mrs Watersobserved it, she took no notice while the landlady continued in theroom; but, after the departure of that good woman, she could notforbear giving our heroe certain hints on her suspecting some verydangerous rival in his affections. The aukward behaviour of Mr Joneson this occasion convinced her of the truth, without his giving her adirect answer to any of her questions; but she was not nice enough inher amours to be greatly concerned at the discovery. The beauty ofJones highly charmed her eye; but as she could not see his heart, shegave herself no concern about it. She could feast heartily at thetable of love, without reflecting that some other already had been, orhereafter might be, feasted with the same repast. A sentiment which,if it deals but little in refinement, deals, however, much insubstance; and is less capricious, and perhaps less ill-natured andselfish, than the desires of those females who can be contented enoughto abstain from the possession of their lovers, provided they aresufficiently satisfied that no one else possesses them.