History of Tom Jones, a Foundling

  Chapter v.

  Showing who the amiable lady, and her unamiable maid, were.

  As in the month of June, the damask rose, which chance hath plantedamong the lilies, with their candid hue mixes his vermilion; or assome playsome heifer in the pleasant month of May diffuses herodoriferous breath over the flowery meadows; or as, in the bloomingmonth of April, the gentle, constant dove, perched on some fair bough,sits meditating on her mate; so, looking a hundred charms andbreathing as many sweets, her thoughts being fixed on her Tommy, witha heart as good and innocent as her face was beautiful, Sophia (for itwas she herself) lay reclining her lovely head on her hand, when hermaid entered the room, and, running directly to the bed, cried,"Madam--madam--who doth your ladyship think is in the house?" Sophia,starting up, cried, "I hope my father hath not overtaken us." "No,madam, it is one worth a hundred fathers; Mr Jones himself is here atthis very instant." "Mr Jones!" says Sophia, "it is impossible! Icannot be so fortunate." Her maid averred the fact, and was presentlydetached by her mistress to order him to be called; for she said shewas resolved to see him immediately.

  Mrs Honour had no sooner left the kitchen in the manner we have beforeseen than the landlady fell severely upon her. The poor woman hadindeed been loading her heart with foul language for some time, andnow it scoured out of her mouth, as filth doth from a mud-cart, whenthe board which confines it is removed. Partridge likewise shovelledin his share of calumny, and (what may surprize the reader) not onlybespattered the maid, but attempted to sully the lily-white characterof Sophia herself. "Never a barrel the better herring," cries he,"_Noscitur a socio_, is a true saying. It must be confessed, indeed,that the lady in the fine garments is the civiller of the two; but Iwarrant neither of them are a bit better than they should be. A coupleof Bath trulls, I'll answer for them; your quality don't ride about atthis time o' night without servants." "Sbodlikins, and that's true,"cries the landlady, "you have certainly hit upon the very matter; forquality don't come into a house without bespeaking a supper, whetherthey eat or no."

  While they were thus discoursing, Mrs Honour returned and dischargedher commission, by bidding the landlady immediately wake Mr Jones, andtell him a lady wanted to speak with him. The landlady referred her toPartridge, saying, "he was the squire's friend: but, for her part, shenever called men-folks, especially gentlemen," and then walkedsullenly out of the kitchen. Honour applied herself to Partridge; buthe refused, "for my friend," cries he, "went to bed very late, and hewould be very angry to be disturbed so soon." Mrs Honour insistedstill to have him called, saying, "she was sure, instead of beingangry, that he would be to the highest degree delighted when he knewthe occasion." "Another time, perhaps, he might," cries Partridge;"but _non omnia possumus omnes_. One woman is enough at once for areasonable man." "What do you mean by one woman, fellow?" criesHonour. "None of your fellow," answered Partridge. He then proceededto inform her plainly that Jones was in bed with a wench, and made useof an expression too indelicate to be here inserted; which so enragedMrs Honour, that she called him jackanapes, and returned in a violenthurry to her mistress, whom she acquainted with the success of hererrand, and with the account she had received; which, if possible, sheexaggerated, being as angry with Jones as if he had pronounced all thewords that came from the mouth of Partridge. She discharged a torrentof abuse on the master, and advised her mistress to quit all thoughtsof a man who had never shown himself deserving of her. She then rippedup the story of Molly Seagrim, and gave the most malicious turn to hisformerly quitting Sophia herself; which, I must confess, the presentincident not a little countenanced.

  The spirits of Sophia were too much dissipated by concern to enableher to stop the torrent of her maid. At last, however, she interruptedher, saying, "I never can believe this; some villain hath belied him.You say you had it from his friend; but surely it is not the office ofa friend to betray such secrets." "I suppose," cries Honour, "thefellow is his pimp; for I never saw so ill-looked a villain. Besides,such profligate rakes as Mr Jones are never ashamed of these matters."

  To say the truth, this behaviour of Partridge was a littleinexcusable; but he had not slept off the effect of the dose which heswallowed the evening before; which had, in the morning, received theaddition of above a pint of wine, or indeed rather of malt spirits;for the perry was by no means pure. Now, that part of his head whichNature designed for the reservoir of drink being very shallow, a smallquantity of liquor overflowed it, and opened the sluices of his heart;so that all the secrets there deposited run out. These sluices wereindeed, naturally, very ill-secured. To give the best-natured turn wecan to his disposition, he was a very honest man; for, as he was themost inquisitive of mortals, and eternally prying into the secrets ofothers, so he very faithfully paid them by communicating, in return,everything within his knowledge.

  While Sophia, tormented with anxiety, knew not what to believe, norwhat resolution to take, Susan arrived with the sack-whey. Mrs Honourimmediately advised her mistress, in a whisper, to pump this wench,who probably could inform her of the truth. Sophia approved it, andbegan as follows: "Come hither, child; now answer me truly what I amgoing to ask you, and I promise you I will very well reward you. Isthere a young gentleman in this house, a handsome young gentleman,that----." Here Sophia blushed and was confounded. "A younggentleman," cries Honour, "that came hither in company with that saucyrascal who is now in the kitchen?" Susan answered, "There was."--"Doyou know anything of any lady?" continues Sophia, "any lady? I don'task you whether she is handsome or no; perhaps she is not; that'snothing to the purpose; but do you know of any lady?" "La, madam,"cries Honour, "you will make a very bad examiner. Hark'ee, child,"says she, "is not that very young gentleman now in bed with some nastytrull or other?" Here Susan smiled, and was silent. "Answer thequestion, child," says Sophia, "and here's a guinea for you."--"Aguinea! madam," cries Susan; "la, what's a guinea? If my mistressshould know it I shall certainly lose my place that very instant.""Here's another for you," says Sophia, "and I promise you faithfullyyour mistress shall never know it." Susan, after a very shorthesitation, took the money, and told the whole story, concluding withsaying, "If you have any great curiosity, madam, I can steal softlyinto his room, and see whether he be in his own bed or no." Sheaccordingly did this by Sophia's desire, and returned with an answerin the negative.

  Sophia now trembled and turned pale. Mrs Honour begged her to becomforted, and not to think any more of so worthless a fellow. "Whythere," says Susan, "I hope, madam, your ladyship won't be offended;but pray, madam, is not your ladyship's name Madam Sophia Western?""How is it possible you should know me?" answered Sophia. "Why thatman, that the gentlewoman spoke of, who is in the kitchen, told aboutyou last night. But I hope your ladyship is not angry with me.""Indeed, child," said she, "I am not; pray tell me all, and I promiseyou I'll reward you." "Why, madam," continued Susan, "that man told usall in the kitchen that Madam Sophia Western--indeed I don't know howto bring it out."--Here she stopt, till, having received encouragementfrom Sophia, and being vehemently pressed by Mrs Honour, she proceededthus:--"He told us, madam, though to be sure it is all a lie, thatyour ladyship was dying for love of the young squire, and that he wasgoing to the wars to get rid of you. I thought to myself then he was afalse-hearted wretch; but, now, to see such a fine, rich, beautifullady as you be, forsaken for such an ordinary woman; for to be sure soshe is, and another man's wife into the bargain. It is such a strangeunnatural thing, in a manner."

  Sophia gave her a third guinea, and, telling her she would certainlybe her friend if she mentioned nothing of what had passed, norinformed any one who she was, dismissed the girl, with orders to thepost-boy to get the horses ready immediately.

  Being now left alone with her maid, she told her trusty waiting-woman,"That she never was more easy than at present. I am now convinced,"said she, "he is not only a villain, but a low despicable wretch. Ican forgive all rather than his exposing my name in so barbarous amanner. That renders him the object of my contempt. Yes, Honour, I amn
ow easy; I am indeed; I am very easy;" and then she burst into aviolent flood of tears.

  After a short interval spent by Sophia, chiefly in crying, andassuring her maid that she was perfectly easy, Susan arrived with anaccount that the horses were ready, when a very extraordinary thoughtsuggested itself to our young heroine, by which Mr Jones would beacquainted with her having been at the inn, in a way which, if anysparks of affection for her remained in him, would be at least somepunishment for his faults.

  The reader will be pleased to remember a little muff, which hath hadthe honour of being more than once remembered already in this history.This muff, ever since the departure of Mr Jones, had been the constantcompanion of Sophia by day, and her bedfellow by night; and this muffshe had at this very instant upon her arm; whence she took it off withgreat indignation, and, having writ her name with her pencil upon apiece of paper which she pinned to it, she bribed the maid to conveyit into the empty bed of Mr Jones, in which, if he did not find it,she charged her to take some method of conveying it before his eyes inthe morning.

  Then, having paid for what Mrs Honour had eaten, in which bill wasincluded an account for what she herself might have eaten, she mountedher horse, and, once more assuring her companion that she wasperfectly easy, continued her journey.