History of Tom Jones, a Foundling

  Chapter ix.

  Containing matter of no very peaceable colour.

  Molly had no sooner apparelled herself in her accustomed rags, thanher sisters began to fall violently upon her, particularly her eldestsister, who told her she was well enough served. "How had she theassurance to wear a gown which young Madam Western had given tomother! If one of us was to wear it, I think," says she, "I myselfhave the best right; but I warrant you think it belongs to yourbeauty. I suppose you think yourself more handsomer than any ofus."--"Hand her down the bit of glass from over the cupboard," criesanother; "I'd wash the blood from my face before I talked of mybeauty."--"You'd better have minded what the parson says," cries theeldest, "and not a harkened after men voke."--"Indeed, child, and soshe had," says the mother, sobbing: "she hath brought a disgrace uponus all. She's the vurst of the vamily that ever was a whore."

  "You need not upbraid me with that, mother," cries Molly; "youyourself was brought-to-bed of sister there, within a week after youwas married."

  "Yes, hussy," answered the enraged mother, "so I was, and what was themighty matter of that? I was made an honest woman then; and if you wasto be made an honest woman, I should not be angry; but you must haveto doing with a gentleman, you nasty slut; you will have a bastard,hussy, you will; and that I defy any one to say of me."

  In this situation Black George found his family, when he came home forthe purpose before mentioned. As his wife and three daughters were allof them talking together, and most of them crying, it was some timebefore he could get an opportunity of being heard; but as soon as suchan interval occurred, he acquainted the company with what Sophia hadsaid to him.

  Goody Seagrim then began to revile her daughter afresh. "Here," saysshe, "you have brought us into a fine quandary indeed. What will madamsay to that big belly? Oh that ever I should live to see this day!"

  Molly answered with great spirit, "And what is this mighty place whichyou have got for me, father?" (for he had not well understood thephrase used by Sophia of being about her person). "I suppose it is tobe under the cook; but I shan't wash dishes for anybody. My gentlemanwill provide better for me. See what he hath given me this afternoon.He hath promised I shall never want money; and you shan't want moneyneither, mother, if you will hold your tongue, and know when you arewell." And so saying, she pulled out several guineas, and gave hermother one of them.

  The good woman no sooner felt the gold within her palm, than hertemper began (such is the efficacy of that panacea) to be mollified."Why, husband," says she, "would any but such a blockhead as you nothave enquired what place this was before he had accepted it? Perhaps,as Molly says, it may be in the kitchen; and truly I don't care mydaughter should be a scullion wench; for, poor as I am, I am agentlewoman. And thof I was obliged, as my father, who was aclergyman, died worse than nothing, and so could not give me ashilling of _potion_, to undervalue myself by marrying a poor man; yetI would have you to know, I have a spirit above all them things. Marrycome up! it would better become Madam Western to look at home, andremember who her own grandfather was. Some of my family, for aught Iknow, might ride in their coaches, when the grandfathers of some vokewalked a-voot. I warrant she fancies she did a mighty matter, when shesent us that old gownd; some of my family would not have picked upsuch rags in the street; but poor people are always trampledupon.--The parish need not have been in such a fluster with Molly. Youmight have told them, child, your grandmother wore better things newout of the shop."

  "Well, but consider," cried George, "what answer shall I make tomadam?"

  "I don't know what answer," says she; "you are always bringing yourfamily into one quandary or other. Do you remember when you shot thepartridge, the occasion of all our misfortunes? Did not I advise younever to go into Squire Western's manor? Did not I tell you many agood year ago what would come of it? But you would have your ownheadstrong ways; yes, you would, you villain."

  Black George was, in the main, a peaceable kind of fellow, and nothingcholeric nor rash; yet did he bear about him something of what theantients called the irascible, and which his wife, if she had beenendowed with much wisdom, would have feared. He had long experienced,that when the storm grew very high, arguments were but wind, whichserved rather to increase, than to abate it. He was therefore seldomunprovided with a small switch, a remedy of wonderful force, as he hadoften essayed, and which the word villain served as a hint for hisapplying.

  No sooner, therefore, had this symptom appeared, than he had immediaterecourse to the said remedy, which though, as it is usual in all veryefficacious medicines, it at first seemed to heighten and inflame thedisease, soon produced a total calm, and restored the patient toperfect ease and tranquillity.

  This is, however, a kind of horse-medicine, which requires a veryrobust constitution to digest, and is therefore proper only for thevulgar, unless in one single instance, viz., where superiority ofbirth breaks out; in which case, we should not think it veryimproperly applied by any husband whatever, if the application was notin itself so base, that, like certain applications of the physicalkind which need not be mentioned, it so much degrades and contaminatesthe hand employed in it, that no gentleman should endure the thoughtof anything so low and detestable.

  The whole family were soon reduced to a state of perfect quiet; forthe virtue of this medicine, like that of electricity, is oftencommunicated through one person to many others, who are not touched bythe instrument. To say the truth, as they both operate by friction, itmay be doubted whether there is not something analogous between them,of which Mr Freke would do well to enquire, before he publishes thenext edition of his book.

  A council was now called, in which, after many debates, Molly stillpersisting that she would not go to service, it was at lengthresolved, that Goody Seagrim herself should wait on Miss Western, andendeavour to procure the place for her eldest daughter, who declaredgreat readiness to accept it: but Fortune, who seems to have been anenemy of this little family, afterwards put a stop to her promotion.