History of Tom Jones, a Foundling

  Chapter xi.

  In which a simile in Mr Pope's period of a mile introduces as bloody abattle as can possibly be fought without the assistance of steel orcold iron.

  As in the season of _rutting_ (an uncouth phrase, by which the vulgardenote that gentle dalliance, which in the well-wooded[*] forest ofHampshire, passes between lovers of the ferine kind), if, while thelofty-crested stag meditates the amorous sport, a couple of puppies,or any other beasts of hostile note, should wander so near the templeof Venus Ferina that the fair hind should shrink from the place,touched with that somewhat, either of fear or frolic, of nicety orskittishness, with which nature hath bedecked all females, or hath atleast instructed them how to put it on; lest, through the indelicacyof males, the Samean mysteries should be pryed into by unhallowedeyes: for, at the celebration of these rites, the female priestesscries out with her in Virgil (who was then, probably, hard at work onsuch celebration),

  _--Procul, o procul este, profani; Proclamat vates, totoque absistite luco._

  --Far hence be souls profane, The sibyl cry'd, and from the grove abstain.--DRYDEN.

  [*] This is an ambiguous phrase, and may mean either a forest well cloathed with wood, or well stript of it.

  If, I say, while these sacred rites, which are in common to _genusomne animantium,_ are in agitation between the stag and his mistress,any hostile beasts should venture too near, on the first hint given bythe frighted hind, fierce and tremendous rushes forth the stag to theentrance of the thicket; there stands he centinel over his love,stamps the ground with his foot, and with his horns brandished aloftin air, proudly provokes the apprehended foe to combat.

  Thus, and more terrible, when he perceived the enemy's approach,leaped forth our heroe. Many a step advanced he forwards, in order toconceal the trembling hind, and, if possible, to secure her retreat.And now Thwackum, having first darted some livid lightning from hisfiery eyes, began to thunder forth, "Fie upon it! Fie upon it! MrJones. Is it possible you should be the person?"--"You see," answeredJones, "it is possible I should be here."--"And who," said Thwackum,"is that wicked slut with you?"--"If I have any wicked slut with me,"cries Jones, "it is possible I shall not let you know who she is."--"Icommand you to tell me immediately," says Thwackum: "and I would nothave you imagine, young man, that your age, though it hath somewhatabridged the purpose of tuition, hath totally taken away the authorityof the master. The relation of the master and scholar is indelible;as, indeed, all other relations are; for they all derive theiroriginal from heaven. I would have you think yourself, therefore, asmuch obliged to obey me now, as when I taught you your firstrudiments."--"I believe you would," cries Jones; "but that will nothappen, unless you had the same birchen argument to convinceme."--"Then I must tell you plainly," said Thwackum, "I am resolved todiscover the wicked wretch."--"And I must tell you plainly," returnedJones, "I am resolved you shall not." Thwackum then offered toadvance, and Jones laid hold of his arms; which Mr Blifil endeavouredto rescue, declaring, "he would not see his old master insulted."

  Jones now finding himself engaged with two, thought it necessary torid himself of one of his antagonists as soon as possible. Hetherefore applied to the weakest first; and, letting the parson go, hedirected a blow at the young squire's breast, which luckily takingplace, reduced him to measure his length on the ground.

  Thwackum was so intent on the discovery, that, the moment he foundhimself at liberty, he stept forward directly into the fern, withoutany great consideration of what might in the meantime befal hisfriend; but he had advanced a very few paces into the thicket, beforeJones, having defeated Blifil, overtook the parson, and dragged himbackward by the skirt of his coat.

  This parson had been a champion in his youth, and had won much honourby his fist, both at school and at the university. He had now indeed,for a great number of years, declined the practice of that noble art;yet was his courage full as strong as his faith, and his body no lessstrong than either. He was moreover, as the reader may perhaps haveconceived, somewhat irascible in his nature. When he looked back,therefore, and saw his friend stretched out on the ground, and foundhimself at the same time so roughly handled by one who had formerlybeen only passive in all conflicts between them (a circumstance whichhighly aggravated the whole), his patience at length gave way; hethrew himself into a posture of offence; and collecting all his force,attacked Jones in the front with as much impetuosity as he hadformerly attacked him in the rear.

  Our heroe received the enemy's attack with the most undauntedintrepidity, and his bosom resounded with the blow. This he presentlyreturned with no less violence, aiming likewise at the parson'sbreast; but he dexterously drove down the fist of Jones, so that itreached only his belly, where two pounds of beef and as many ofpudding were then deposited, and whence consequently no hollow soundcould proceed. Many lusty blows, much more pleasant as well as easy tohave seen, than to read or describe, were given on both sides: at lasta violent fall, in which Jones had thrown his knees into Thwackum'sbreast, so weakened the latter, that victory had been no longerdubious, had not Blifil, who had now recovered his strength, againrenewed the fight, and by engaging with Jones, given the parson amoment's time to shake his ears, and to regain his breath.

  And now both together attacked our heroe, whose blows did not retainthat force with which they had fallen at first, so weakened was he byhis combat with Thwackum; for though the pedagogue chose rather toplay _solos_ on the human instrument, and had been lately used tothose only, yet he still retained enough of his antient knowledge toperform his part very well in a _duet_.

  The victory, according to modern custom, was like to be decided bynumbers, when, on a sudden, a fourth pair of fists appeared in thebattle, and immediately paid their compliments to the parson; and theowner of them at the same time crying out, "Are not you ashamed, andbe d--n'd to you, to fall two of you upon one?"

  The battle, which was of the kind that for distinction's sake iscalled royal, now raged with the utmost violence during a few minutes;till Blifil being a second time laid sprawling by Jones, Thwackumcondescended to apply for quarter to his new antagonist, who was nowfound to be Mr Western himself; for in the heat of the action none ofthe combatants had recognized him.

  In fact, that honest squire, happening, in his afternoon's walk withsome company, to pass through the field where the bloody battle wasfought, and having concluded, from seeing three men engaged, that twoof them must be on a side, he hastened from his companions, and withmore gallantry than policy, espoused the cause of the weaker party. Bywhich generous proceeding he very probably prevented Mr Jones frombecoming a victim to the wrath of Thwackum, and to the piousfriendship which Blifil bore his old master; for, besides thedisadvantage of such odds, Jones had not yet sufficiently recoveredthe former strength of his broken arm. This reinforcement, however,soon put an end to the action, and Jones with his ally obtained thevictory.