History of Tom Jones, a Foundling

  Chapter vii.

  Containing better reasons than any which have yet appeared for theconduct of Partridge; an apology for the weakness of Jones; and somefurther anecdotes concerning my landlady.

  Though Partridge was one of the most superstitious of men, he wouldhardly perhaps have desired to accompany Jones on his expeditionmerely from the omens of the joint-stool and white mare, if hisprospect had been no better than to have shared the plunder gained inthe field of battle. In fact, when Partridge came to ruminate on therelation he had heard from Jones, he could not reconcile to himselfthat Mr Allworthy should turn his son (for so he most firmly believedhim to be) out of doors, for any reason which he had heard assigned.He concluded, therefore, that the whole was a fiction, and that Jones,of whom he had often from his correspondents heard the wildestcharacter, had in reality run away from his father. It came into hishead, therefore, that if he could prevail with the young gentleman toreturn back to his father, he should by that means render a service toAllworthy, which would obliterate all his former anger; nay, indeed,he conceived that very anger was counterfeited, and that Allworthy hadsacrificed him to his own reputation. And this suspicion indeed hewell accounted for, from the tender behaviour of that excellent man tothe foundling child; from his great severity to Partridge, who,knowing himself to be innocent, could not conceive that any othershould think him guilty; lastly, from the allowance which he hadprivately received long after the annuity had been publickly takenfrom him, and which he looked upon as a kind of smart-money, or ratherby way of atonement for injustice; for it is very uncommon, I believe,for men to ascribe the benefactions they receive to pure charity, whenthey can possibly impute them to any other motive. If he could by anymeans therefore persuade the young gentleman to return home, hedoubted not but that he should again be received into the favour ofAllworthy, and well rewarded for his pains; nay, and should be againrestored to his native country; a restoration which Ulysses himselfnever wished more heartily than poor Partridge.

  As for Jones, he was well satisfied with the truth of what the otherhad asserted, and believed that Partridge had no other inducements butlove to him, and zeal for the cause; a blameable want of caution anddiffidence in the veracity of others, in which he was highly worthy ofcensure. To say the truth, there are but two ways by which men becomepossessed of this excellent quality. The one is from long experience,and the other is from nature; which last, I presume, is often meant bygenius, or great natural parts; and it is infinitely the better of thetwo, not only as we are masters of it much earlier in life, but as itis much more infallible and conclusive; for a man who hath beenimposed on by ever so many, may still hope to find others more honest;whereas he who receives certain necessary admonitions from within,that this is impossible, must have very little understanding indeed,if he ever renders himself liable to be once deceived. As Jones hadnot this gift from nature, he was too young to have gained it byexperience; for at the diffident wisdom which is to be acquired thisway, we seldom arrive till very late in life; which is perhaps thereason why some old men are apt to despise the understandings of allthose who are a little younger than themselves.

  Jones spent most part of the day in the company of a new acquaintance.This was no other than the landlord of the house, or rather thehusband of the landlady. He had but lately made his descentdownstairs, after a long fit of the gout, in which distemper he wasgenerally confined to his room during one half of the year; and duringthe rest, he walked about the house, smoaked his pipe, and drank hisbottle with his friends, without concerning himself in the least withany kind of business. He had been bred, as they call it, a gentleman;that is, bred up to do nothing; and had spent a very small fortune,which he inherited from an industrious farmer his uncle, in hunting,horse-racing, and cock-fighting, and had been married by my landladyfor certain purposes, which he had long since desisted from answering;for which she hated him heartily. But as he was a surly kind offellow, so she contented herself with frequently upbraiding him bydisadvantageous comparisons with her first husband, whose praise shehad eternally in her mouth; and as she was for the most part mistressof the profit, so she was satisfied to take upon herself the care andgovernment of the family, and, after a long successless struggle, tosuffer her husband to be master of himself.

  In the evening, when Jones retired to his room, a small dispute arosebetween this fond couple concerning him:--"What," says the wife, "youhave been tippling with the gentleman, I see?"--"Yes," answered thehusband, "we have cracked a bottle together, and a very gentlemanlikeman he is, and hath a very pretty notion of horse-flesh. Indeed, he isyoung, and hath not seen much of the world; for I believe he hath beenat very few horse-races."--"Oho! he is one of your order, is he?"replies the landlady: "he must be a gentleman to be sure, if he is ahorse-racer. The devil fetch such gentry! I am sure I wish I had neverseen any of them. I have reason to love horse-racers truly!"--"Thatyou have," says the husband; "for I was one, you know."--"Yes,"answered she, "you are a pure one indeed. As my first husband used tosay, I may put all the good I have ever got by you in my eyes, and seenever the worse."--"D--n your first husband!" cries he. "Don't d--n abetter man than yourself," answered the wife: "if he had been alive,you durst not have done it."--"Then you think," says he, "I have notso much courage as yourself; for you have d--n'd him often in myhearing."--"If I did," says she, "I have repented of it many's thegood time and oft. And if he was so good to forgive me a word spokenin haste or so, it doth not become such a one as you to twitter me. Hewas a husband to me, he was; and if ever I did make use of an ill wordor so in a passion, I never called him rascal; I should have told alie, if I had called him rascal." Much more she said, but not in hishearing; for having lighted his pipe, he staggered off as fast as hecould. We shall therefore transcribe no more of her speech, as itapproached still nearer and nearer to a subject too indelicate to findany place in this history.

  Early in the morning Partridge appeared at the bedside of Jones, readyequipped for the journey, with his knapsack at his back. This was hisown workmanship; for besides his other trades, he was no indifferenttaylor. He had already put up his whole stock of linen in it,consisting of four shirts, to which he now added eight for Mr Jones;and then packing up the portmanteau, he was departing with it towardshis own house, but was stopt in his way by the landlady, who refusedto suffer any removals till after the payment of the reckoning.

  The landlady was, as we have said, absolute governess in theseregions; it was therefore necessary to comply with her rules; so thebill was presently writ out, which amounted to a much larger sum thanmight have been expected, from the entertainment which Jones had metwith. But here we are obliged to disclose some maxims, which publicanshold to be the grand mysteries of their trade. The first is, If theyhave anything good in their house (which indeed very seldom happens)to produce it only to persons who travel with great equipages. 2dly,To charge the same for the very worst provisions, as if they were thebest. And lastly, If any of their guests call but for little, to makethem pay a double price for everything they have; so that the amountby the head may be much the same.

  The bill being made and discharged, Jones set forward with Partridge,carrying his knapsack; nor did the landlady condescend to wish him agood journey; for this was, it seems, an inn frequented by people offashion; and I know not whence it is, but all those who get theirlivelihood by people of fashion, contract as much insolence to therest of mankind, as if they really belonged to that rank themselves.