Half Lost

  But then the yellow glow clears like mist and the world comes back into focus. The rock beneath my feet is beige and the blue sky above is clear. The sun is high in the sky and the dry heat around me is intense. I’m standing in a narrow, steep valley, a badlands valley. Behind me, the slope climbs even more steeply; ahead of me it widens out as it drops to the valley floor. But I’m alone. Gabriel isn’t here.

  Shit!

  I don’t know if I said it wrong. I don’t remember letting go of his hand. And now I’ve no idea what to do. I don’t know how to get back to the cellar or anywhere else come to that. I can only hope that Gabriel is back in the cellar, frustrated but safe. There’s nothing I can do about it and I have to get on with sorting my own mess out.

  My options seem to be to climb up or walk down. I try both but neither work. If I try walking down to the valley floor, I seem to tread on the same spot. I focus on a distant place, the brown and red stone walls of the valley below, and run at them. But I don’t move more than a meter. The same happens if I try to move uphill focusing on the ridge above me. So then I try focusing on a spot ten paces away and try to get to that but I don’t make it. I consider throwing my backpack to see what would happen but instead decide to throw something I don’t care if I lose.

  I feel my pockets and all I’ve got are the Hunter bullets and the white stone for Annalise. I get the bullets out; they may as well be useful for once. I throw the first uphill, aiming to get it as near to the ridge as possible. It seems to fly off away from me, but then I see that it is on the ground a meter from my feet. I pick it up and try again with the same result. Then I try rolling it downhill and it rolls for a meter and then stops. I give it a nudge with my toe and it rolls downhill a few centimeters and then rolls back uphill to where it was.

  So it seems we’re stuck here, me and my bullets.

  And now I’m sitting on the dry, uneven ground and waiting. The ground is hard, the sun is hot, and there’s no breeze. I’ve got a small water canister with me, enough for a few days, if I’m careful.

  I’m still by my backpack a long time later, but although hours seem to have passed the sun hasn’t moved. Perhaps I’m stuck in the map, but when we looked at it in the map room the birds and animals and rivers were alive and moving. Here it feels like time has stopped. It has that same quality of silence and stillness. Ledger must be powerful to do this: make the maps, keep me stuck here, and stop time. And I think back to what Mercury said about Ledger, that she is the most powerful, but what’s the point of it? And I think that’s like saying what’s the point of anything? Of life, of being able to run, to turn into an animal, to go invisible, to change appearance. The ability is the thing. And here Ledger is showing off her ability but so far not harming me by doing so. I just have to hope that doesn’t change when time starts up again.

  If time starts up again.

  And so I wait. I try to work out what to say to Ledger if she turns up but I’ve no idea what to say and I end up thinking about Gabriel, wishing he was here with me.

  And then something changes.

  In the distance I see movement.

  A figure: slowly walking up the valley toward me. Whoever it is—and I assume it’s Ledger—isn’t in a hurry. Then the figure waves an arm, indicating I should come down. I get up and walk and find that I can make progress now, so I go downhill. There’s a slight breeze. Time has started up again.

  As I get nearer to the figure I see it’s a young man and, as I get closer, he turns and walks ahead of me. He’s slim and agile. I speed up to get close to him and he disappears.

  Fuck!

  I keep my eyes on where he was. I could see that he was dragged away through a cut. I walk on, my arm out feeling for it. I think I’m at the same spot but nothing happens and I can feel my heart beginning to race. But I keep trying and then I feel my arm and then my whole body being sucked through and then I’m spat out on to my knees on warm grass.

  Birds are singing. I’m on a grassy meadow, distant hills and trees off to my left. There’s a warm breeze and the sun is low in the sky. There’s a wide river to my left and up ahead is a large stone-built cabin, and I can see that the door is open and the boy is disappearing inside. I walk to it slowly, looking around all the time, but there isn’t anyone else to see. I consider going invisible to have a proper scout but I don’t think that would be polite and might cause more trouble than it solves. At the end of the day, if Ledger is so powerful and she wants to kill me, she probably will.

  The Cabin

  I push the cabin door wide open. There’s a sitting room and beyond that a kitchen. The boy’s in the kitchen. His dark blond hair is cut short at the back but falls in front of his face. I can’t quite see his eyes. He’s maybe eighteen or nineteen. He’s nice-looking but nothing special.

  I take a deep breath and go in. “I’m looking for Ledger,” I say, not sure if this is her in disguise.

  “You’re Nathan,” he replies. He gives me a shy smile and I see one of his front teeth is a little crooked. He blinks through his hair, then extends his hand to shake mine, saying, “I’m Ledger. I’ve been looking forward to you coming. Welcome.”

  I’m not sure what I was expecting from Ledger, but a boy not much older than me wasn’t it. I shake his hand, though, and he looks into my eyes. His are similar to mine, though steel gray, not black, but he has triangles turning in them; the more I look, the more I’m drawn to them—to how empty they seem. Then he takes his hand away and turns his back on me, saying, “I’m making coffee. Do you want some?”

  “Ummm. No.”

  “Tea your thing? Or something stronger?”

  “No.” Though I’m thirsty. I’ve been sitting in the dry heat of the badlands for hours. “A glass of water?”

  Ledger lets the tap run and then fills a glass and passes it to me.

  I say, “I have a friend, Gabriel. I was with him but we got separated.”

  “Yes.”

  “Is he still in the map room?”

  “He’s safe.”

  “Safe where?”

  “The map only allows one person in at a time. After you came through he tried to follow you but put his finger on the map a centimeter or two further west.”

  “And where is he now?”

  “As I said, he’s safe.” Ledger looks me in the eye again and says, “I’ve no reason to lie. He’ll join us soon enough.” And I know all I can do is trust that Ledger is telling me the truth.

  Ledger makes the coffee and puts it on the table and gets milk and sugar. And then sits down opposite me.

  I remember the tokens and fish them out of my backpack. “Umm . . . I’ve brought some things for you. Tokens of friendship. The map was Mercury’s; it shows where your map room is, and there’s a couple of her diaries that record her meeting you and talking about you. They helped Van find the way here, and helped me too. We, I mean, me and Gabriel thought you might . . . anyway, they’re for you.” I lay them on the table as I say this.

  Ledger says, “Thank you,” but makes no move to take the map or diaries or even to look at them. He pours his coffee, adds milk and then sugar.

  I say, “Van told me about you. Well, she didn’t say much but she did say that I should come to see you.” I hesitate and then add, “She was killed a couple of weeks ago. Killed by Hunters. They were sent by Soul, the leader of the White Witches in Britain. They wiped out the Alliance camp she was in.”

  I watch Ledger to see what effect this news has, but he shows no reaction. He watches me too and I feel like everything I do and say is being assessed.

  I continue. “Van said you had half of the Vardian amulet and that she’d given you her half. She thought that the amulet would protect me when I fight Soul and the Hunters. She said that you’d give it to the right person.”

  Ledger doesn’t react to that either but just sips his coffee, his eyes not leavi
ng mine. He says, “You don’t believe in small talk, it seems.”

  I hesitate. “Do you?”

  “Well, at some stage I’m sure it will be useful to get to know each other.” He takes another sip of his coffee. “But let’s stay on the subject you’ve raised for now. You want to kill Soul . . . Put an end to his terrible reign.” And he looks at me now, right in the eyes, and it’s as if he’s reading my mind. “Do you believe it’s right to kill people?”

  “Killing Soul is the right thing to do.”

  “I can understand your reason for thinking that, for believing that. But as someone wise once said, ‘There’s no truth, only perspective.’”

  I try to work that out and say, “I don’t . . .”

  “It means that I’m entitled to have a different view and it’s equally valid.”

  “And what is your view?”

  “My view about Soul is that he’s a man . . . out of balance. My view on killing him, on killing anyone, is that I don’t approve of it. I’m not a great believer in killing people at all, and if I was to help you I’d be helping you kill. Not just Soul, I think, but many more besides.”

  “You’d be helping me survive. And by helping me you’d be saving the many people Soul is killing.”

  “So, to save some people I don’t know, I have to kill some other people I don’t know?”

  “You don’t have to kill anyone. And I intend to kill them all one way or the other.”

  “All?”

  I hesitate, thinking of my dream and the never-ending line of Hunters kneeling on the floor.

  Ledger looks at me and I get the feeling he’s seen inside my head, seen my thoughts. He says, “And you’re OK with that, Nathan? Killing all those people?”

  “They’re evil.”

  “So you say. But isn’t life sacred?”

  “Life is life, death is death. Don’t make it what it isn’t. We all die. Some people live lives that cause harm.”

  “Including you perhaps.” And I feel his eyes on me still.

  I shrug and look away and then look back at him and meet his gaze and say, “I’m not a hero but I can end the war. And the Alliance, if they win, can maybe bring some stability, maybe allow White Witches and Black Witches to live together peacefully.”

  “And do you think it’s possible for Black Witches and White Witches to live together in peace and harmony?”

  “I’m not sure. But it has to be worth trying. It has to be better than what we’ve got at the moment.”

  “I agree, but it’s how to get there that’s the point of this discussion, I think.”

  Ledger leans back in his seat, saying, “You know, the thing I’ve learned over many, many years”—he waits for me to look up at him and then he smiles as if to acknowledge how young he looks—“is that things turn round anyway. Nothing, however bad or, sadly, however good, lasts forever. All is ephemeral. Including us.”

  “So do nothing is your answer? Wait for it to happen naturally!”

  “It’s an option. You could leave them to it, Soul and the Alliance, and find a quiet place to live. I see you by a river, trees, mountains . . . a place very much like my home here in Montana.” He leans forward to look into my eyes. “Yes, trees, and a river for sure, though I’m not so certain about a cabin.”

  Ledger reaches out to touch me. “May I?” he asks, and then he lays his hand on top of mine. “You’re an interesting boy, Nathan. So young and yet bursting with magical powers. But your own Gift is powerful and yet it feels small: buried under all these other desires and emotions.”

  “I’ve had other things to think about. I’m learning to use all my Gifts. I need them all to fight Soul. But I need the amulet too.”

  “We seem to be back where we started.”

  For lack of anything better to say, I add, “Life—death. I mean everything, the whole system, is fucked up anyway.”

  “Out of balance is the phrase we older people would use,” he replies, but he’s smiling again.

  I ask him, “Why are you in that disguise? I mean, why appear as a young man? I know you’re not young and I don’t think you’re a man.”

  “Does it matter what I appear to be? I thought you might enjoy talking to someone more like yourself. And I have to say that being young and healthy and full of vigor is so much more pleasurable than not.”

  “When Van came did you appear to her as a sophisticated woman?”

  “Yes, as a matter of fact, I did.”

  “And when Mercury was here?”

  “Oh that was fun. I remember it like yesterday. I took on the look of Thetis, which Mercury didn’t like at all. Too much competition.”

  “I’ve no idea who Thetis is.”

  “You should Google her sometime.”

  I don’t reply and he says, “You don’t like phones, computers . . . electricity?”

  I hesitate, then explain. “It sets off noises in my head, hissing.”

  “Ah, a few of us Black Witches have that sensitivity. At first I battled against it myself. Then I learned to ignore it: for years I ignored it, was very pleased with myself that I could ignore it and get on with my life. I thought about it, meditated on it, meditated with it. And then finally, finally . . . the lightbulb moment, as they say.”

  “I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.”

  I look away from Ledger and out of the window. I say, “Where are we? I mean, we’re not really in Montana, are we?”

  He looks out of the window too, as if to check and consider the question carefully, before saying, “Well, it certainly looks like Montana.”

  I’m not sure what or where we are. It could all be some kind of dream or illusion. But Ledger is real enough. I sip my water. It’s cold and seems real too.

  “I’m glad you’ve come, Nathan. I don’t get many visitors.”

  “That’s not surprising. You’re not easy to find.”

  “No. That’s true, I suppose. I complain but I don’t do anything about it.” He gives a thoughtful smile as if considering this. “We missed out on the get-to-know-you small talk, but I should say that I am against killing, against violence. And you, Nathan, have a lot of violence in your past and in yourself.”

  Ledger leans across the table and takes my hand. His is cool and dry but with a firm grip. “And yet I am also a believer in balance, in the power of our Gifts through harmony. Nathan, you have so many strengths, from your mother, your father, and I think from your own self. Though at the moment I don’t sense much harmony.” He rubs my palm and looks at it. “You have a long lifeline, curiously long . . .” Then he looks up at me, as if confused. “And I feel that your future is ultimately a peaceful one.”

  “Ultimately?”

  “As I said, I see you by a river . . .”

  It feels strange to sit here with my hand being held by Ledger but I try to forget about that and concentrate on what I’ve got to say. I continue. “And that’s what I want. I believe in good things, in peace. But we don’t have peace. We have war and torture and persecution. Everything is fucked up at the moment—out of balance. And it’s all very well saying you don’t believe in killing people but Soul is killing people. He has to be stopped and you’re helping him if you don’t try to stop him. He’s evil.”

  Ledger looks into my eyes and says, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”

  “I’m not sure what all that means but I know I have to do something. That I can do something. Van told me that you’d be able to get the amulet to work and that you would give it to the right person. Am I that person?”

  Ledger lets go of my hand, saying, “We’ll see.”

  “Can you get the amulet to work?”

  “I’ve been giving it a lot of thought. But, as ever with magic, thought is one thing, though feeling and intuition are
more vital. My intuition is that it will work as all magic does when things are balanced in a certain way, when the right things have fallen into place.”

  “And have they? Fallen into place?”

  “Perhaps. I’m not sure yet. You coming here may be significant. I have wanted the other half of the amulet for a long, long time. I wanted to see it out of curiosity, you understand, to see it whole. It’s a historic object as well as a powerful one. To see it, to hold both halves, is wonderful. I never saw the point in chasing all over for it. I knew it would eventually come to me.”

  “Ha, that’s not mystical or significant. Of course whoever had the other half would want your half.”

  “Really? Many people have owned that other half of the amulet before it came into Van’s hands and none of them searched me out. Only Van did that, but she didn’t want the amulet for herself; it was for you. She told me about you.” Ledger sips his coffee and then says, “The amulet is a wonderful object containing great magic. At first I thought it didn’t work because it was damaged, but I could still feel the magic in it. If we are to believe the story, the White Witch Vardia ripped it in two but intended that it would still protect Linus, a Black Witch, if she and he were reunited. Those are its origins and I sense the magic will still work but only for the right person, a person in whom Black and White are united.”

  “Me?”

  Ledger gives me a brief smile. “I’m not sure you should be so pleased. The amulet, if it works, will give you protection from many things but it will demand huge responsibility to use your power well. I can assure you that living quietly by a river, studying your powers, learning about your Gifts and developing them over years, will ultimately result in greater strength and far greater happiness.”

  “In the meantime people are dying.”

  “People are always dying. It’s a terrible habit they have and nothing you can do will change that.”

  “I can change it for some of them.”