Better Off Friends

  “Oh, he’s fine.” We walked for a few minutes in silence. I’m sure she thought I was thinking about Levi, but instead I was thinking about Mom. How much she would’ve loved being here with us. “Gran, do you think about Mom often?”

  She stopped in her tracks, sadness overwhelming her delicate features. “Every minute of every day.”

  “Me too,” I confessed.

  “It’s important to remember her. She would’ve been so proud of you, Calley. You look more and more like her every day.” She reached up and stroked my hair. “The worst thing we could ever do is forget about her. And believe me, it gets easier every day to bring up the memories.”

  I nodded. It was still hard. At first I was in shock, then angry. Anytime I thought about her, I was mad. Furious that she was taken from me. So I tried desperately to get her out of my mind. But no matter how much homework and cooking I did, she was always there. And then it became comforting to me.

  Because even though she wasn’t physically there, she would always be with me.

  “You know what I think we should do?” Gran asked.

  “Go get ice cream at Murphy’s?”

  She laughed the same laugh as Mom. “Well, of course, but I also think that every night at dinner, we should share a favorite memory of your mother. Would you like that?”

  Four years ago, I would’ve hated it. Four months ago, I would’ve felt uncomfortable about it. But now, here, I was finally ready to celebrate my mother’s life with others.

  “I’d like that.” I paused. “And I think Mom would really like it as well.”

  She gave me a little squeeze. “Yes, she would.”

  We continued walking, both of us inside our own thoughts. Although I was pretty sure I knew what occupied our minds.

  There was almost a lightness to me once we started our ritual. Every night we’d tell a story, usually a funny one. Gran and Gramps would break out their old photo albums and I’d be amazed at how similar I looked to Teen Mom.

  It had taken me a long time to open up to Levi about Mom. But now I found it easier to talk about her. I’d even mentioned her a few times to Liam.

  “She sounds brilliant,” Liam said as he drove us around the peninsula.

  “She was.” I took in the breathtaking views. It didn’t matter that I’d been there for over a month; I still hadn’t gotten used to the sheer magnitude of the beauty.

  “By the way, you should’ve come last night.” Liam glanced at me. “It was great crack.”

  I was stunned into silence.

  He started laughing. “Oh, relax, Yank, it’s C-R-A-I-C. Craic means good fun, conversation, atmosphere. Did ya think we were doing drugs?”

  “No, of course not.” Although I totally had.

  “Here we are.” Liam pulled off to the side of the road. We were surrounded by lush green hills. And down below, we could make out the tiny town of Dingle.

  “It’s gorgeous.”

  “You haven’t seen anything yet.” Liam led me to another rocky hill, which had a small waterfall flowing into it. “What do you think?”

  I started to carefully climb up the rocks. “It’s amazing. Thank you so much.”

  “Well, I plan on you giving me the ultimate American tour when I come to the States.”

  I turned around to say something to him when my foot missed the rock. Before I knew it, I was ankle deep in mud.

  “No!” I pulled my foot out, but it was too late. My entire canvas shoe was covered.

  Liam jumped up to help me back down. “Well, that won’t do.” He bent down and removed my shoe. I was horrified by my clumsiness. He went over to a shallow puddle of water and started cleaning off the mud. I could do nothing but stand there with my one foot off the ground, hoping I wouldn’t fall over from my lack of balance.

  The shoe was considerably cleaner, yet it was soaking wet. We both stared at my dripping, dirty shoe, before Liam shrugged and took both his shoes off. “You know the saying, when in Dingle …”

  I laughed and removed my other shoe. We explored the rest of the area in bare feet. He reached out his hand to me on a particularly steep climb.

  “Thanks, Levi.”

  Liam gave me a questioning look. “Levi?”

  “Huh?”

  “You said ‘Thanks, Levi.’ Who’s Levi?”

  “Oh, I did? That’s odd.” What was odd was that I hadn’t yet mentioned Levi to Liam or vice versa. “Levi’s a friend from home.”

  Liam raised his eyebrows. “A friend, huh?”

  “Yes, aren’t guys and girls allowed to be friends in Ireland?”

  “It depends on if you want to be friends with a girl.” He came over and put his hand on my waist. “Or if you want something more. So what do you want?”

  I held my breath. I didn’t know what he was asking exactly. Did I want something more with him or something more with Levi? I clearly didn’t know the answer to either.

  Part of me thought a little vacation romance might be nice, but I still hadn’t fully figured out what to do with Levi. We’d been talking more and more each week I was there. But it didn’t change the reason I was currently thousands of miles away from him. From home.

  “Excuse me.” A recognizable accent broke me from my thoughts. We looked down to see a middle-aged American couple. “Would you take our picture?”

  “Of course.” I hopped down and snapped their photo, grateful for the interruption.

  Liam began chatting with the couple when he found out they were from Dallas. He wanted to know about everything from cowboy boots to the Cowboys and barbecue. It really was adorable how dorky he was about all things American.

  Liam excused himself from the Texans when he got a call on his phone. “Brilliant!” he exclaimed. If I had learned anything in my few weeks in Ireland, it was that everything was brilliant: food, music, an idea, possibly a kiss…. It was such a better word than awesome or amazing. I was thinking of bringing it back with me as a linguistic souvenir, but when I’d tried it out on Levi when we were video chatting, he’d laughed at me. Then he did a minute or two of re-creating everything I’d said, but in an exaggerated cockney accent. I would’ve been angry if it hadn’t been hysterical.

  “So, me mates are having a party at the beach,” Liam filled me in. “Shall we?”

  “Only if there’ll be tons of craic,” I fired back.

  He laughed. “Totally.” We headed to his car. “Not so fast, Yank.”

  I groaned. “Sorry!” I always went to the driver’s side of the car there. I hadn’t gotten used to it being on the opposite side.

  We headed to Clogher Strand, one of my favorite places to sit and relax. It wasn’t a beach for swimming because of the currents, but it had a gorgeous view of the Blasket Islands. I had met only a couple of Liam’s friends at that point, Conor and Michael, who referred to me simply as “the American.” I wasn’t sure if they actually knew my name. Although I was more than aware that they were familiar with my Scottish namesake.

  “Liam!” Conor cried out while we made our way to the blankets they’d lined up on the sand. “And you brought the American.”

  Conor handed Liam a bottle, then turned to me. “Can we tempt you?”

  “I’m good.” And only fifteen, I thought.

  “You Americans are so uptight about alcohol.” Conor laughed and went to sit with the other group.

  “Are you okay?” Liam asked.

  “Yeah.” Although I didn’t think I was.

  I saw Liam grimace slightly at someone who was behind me.

  “Is everything all right?” I went to turn around, but he stopped me.

  “Yeah, well, no … ’Tis me ex, Siobhan.” He took a quick swig of his bottle.

  I’d heard him mention Siobhan a few times. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  He shrugged. “Not much to say. We dated for a year, she fancied another fella, and we broke up. ’Tis fine, except things are awkward. Mostly for me. It’s hard to be reminded that you weren’t
good enough for someone, ya know?”

  “I understand,” I said. “That’s sort of how I feel about Levi.”

  “I thought you said you were just friends.”

  “We were. Are. But then he wanted more. I don’t know.”

  Liam looked around the beach. “I’m fine leaving if you want to go back to town. Let me go say bye to Conor and Michael.”

  He walked off while I stood there awkwardly. Then I heard a familiar name.

  “Sorry,” I interrupted a group that was near me. “Were you talking about Buggy and Floyd? I love that show.”

  The guy who was talking exchanged a look with a girl with dark hair. “Um, yeah. I was saying that they’re apparently doing a Christmas special.”

  “Really?” I asked excitedly. “They haven’t had any new episodes in over five years.”

  The girl scowled at me. “That show is so lame. I’m only interested in it because the guy who played the younger brother is hot now.”

  I smiled at her as a memory surfaced. “I know who you’re talking about. He’s hilarious! Remember the episode where Floyd got locked up in the school gym with him?” I started laughing at the memory of Levi repeatedly imitating Buggy looking into the gym window and saying, “Blimey if I knew you’d be here; you’re not really the fit type.”

  “Whatever.” The black-haired girl went back to ignoring me.

  Right then I recognized the feeling that was steadily growing inside me. I absolutely loved Dingle. I loved being with my grandparents. And everybody (present company excluded) had been so warm and welcoming. But this wasn’t my home. These people weren’t my friends.

  Truth be told, what was really bothering me was Levi. I missed him. I’d started missing him when I was still home, while we were still in school together. I wanted him to be next to me. He would’ve loved Dingle, this beach, this beautiful view.

  But he wasn’t here.

  Liam approached me with a resigned smile. “Ready to go home?”

  Yes, yes, I was.

  Liam opened up about his relationship with Siobhan on the drive back to my grandparents’. They’d known each other since childhood and had the tight-knit group of friends you’d expect in such a tiny village. Then they decided to date. Now they didn’t even talk anymore. Liam couldn’t even be on the same beach as her.

  It gave me a lot to think about. And all those thoughts revolved around Levi. I had to talk to him. To make sure that we were still friends. That we’d still be able to be in the same room together when I got home.

  Fortunately, my grandparents were out, so I was able to go right to my room and dial Levi on my laptop the second I was dropped off. I did the math and knew he would, hopefully, be getting home from morning practice. My leg was shaking by the third ring.

  All I kept thinking to myself was Please be home, Levi. Please be home.

  The screen lit up and I saw Levi’s naked chest in front of me.

  “Um, hello?” I asked, feeling my cheeks get hot at the sight of Levi’s body.

  “Hey!” He adjusted the towel around his waist. “Sorry, just got out of the shower.” He walked out of view for a few seconds and returned with a T-shirt on. His hair was wet and sticking up in different directions.

  “Hey, you!” I was smiling ear to ear.

  “Well, hello to you!”

  “Buggy and Floyd are doing a Christmas special!” I blurted.

  His eyes lit up. “Are you serious? That is bloody brilliant.” He winked at me.

  “Ha. Ha.” I stuck my tongue out at him.

  “I see being abroad has really helped with your maturity.”

  “Totally.”

  He opened his mouth to say something, but then he tilted his head as if he was studying me. “Are you okay?”

  It was the same question Liam had asked me not thirty minutes before. I gave him the same answer. “Yeah.”

  But here was the difference between Liam and Levi: Levi knew when I was full of it.

  “What’s wrong?” The genuine caring on his face almost made me cry.

  “Just a little homesick,” I admitted.

  I was surprised by Levi’s reaction. He smiled.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” I said. “Are you enjoying my misery?”

  He shook his head. “No, it’s … you always seem so happy whenever we talk, and I want you to be happy, but I also want you to get home already. I miss having someone to laugh at my lame jokes. And, well, I miss you.”

  “I miss you, too.”

  There was a silence between us. Not because we were uncomfortable but because we didn’t really need to say anything else. We both felt the same thing.

  I finally spoke. “But, hey, I’m sure the next three weeks will fly by.”

  “Actually, it’s sixteen days,” he corrected me.

  “Oh, so you’re counting?” I teased.

  “Duh. It’s on my calendar. Macallan returns and life officially doesn’t suck anymore.”

  “So are you saying your life would suck without me? I’m assuming you’re quoting Kelly Clarkson because you miss having such a strong, independent girl like myself around.”

  “Ha! Nicely played. But of course.” He paused. “Here’s the thing, we started out friends….”

  I laughed. “Wait, are you now insinuating that since I’ve been gone, you can breathe for the first time?”

  “Wait, no!”

  I shook my head. “You really are becoming unraveled without me.”

  He had that familiar crooked smile on his face. “I know. See, you go away and I can’t think straight. It’s amazing I can even get up in the morning.”

  “Oh, how I miss your dramatics.”

  “Nobody else appreciates them like you do.”

  “I know.”

  “So let me make sure I get this,” Liam said to me as we waited in line at Murphy’s to get some ice cream a couple nights later. “Your best friend is a guy. He likes you as more than just a friend. And your response was to run away to Ireland?”

  “Well, when you put it that way …” I tried to joke, but I started to feel a little silly. “There was a lot more going on.”

  “Ah, right.” He nodded. “He started to hang out with his guy friends.”

  “And was ignoring me,” I reminded him.

  I’d decided to open up to Liam about Levi. I figured nothing was going to happen between us; we both had too much baggage. So maybe it would be helpful to get an outside opinion on the subject. But unfortunately, I had a feeling he was going to take Levi’s side.

  I guess bros gotta stick with bros.

  We placed our orders. Liam always got Guinness and brown bread, which didn’t taste as bad as one would think. I ordered my favorite combination: sea salt and honeycomb.

  After we grabbed our cones, I decided to make one last plea for my case. “And remember, I basically don’t see him for months, then we get into a fight and then he comes over and tells me he loves me. It was so out of the blue.”

  Liam took a lick of his cone. “Was it really?”

  My response was to be really into eating my ice cream. Which I was, but I also didn’t have a proper response.

  “But you only think of him as a friend,” Liam stated, and I could tell that he didn’t believe me. “You’re not attracted to him at all?”

  “No. I mean yes. I mean, he’s Levi.”

  “ ‘He’s Levi’? Is that some sort of Yank expression I’m not aware of?” he teased. “So he’s your best friend. He’s a Levi, whatever that means. I don’t really see what the problem is.”

  “It’s difficult.” I began to walk faster to the harbor.

  “Yes, you keep reminding me of that. But here’s the thing. It doesn’t sound that difficult. You’re only making it difficult. It sounds like there’s a lot between you. Don’t be afraid to make it even more.”

  I smiled tightly, not sure if I should believe him or not. So I played it lightly. “Since when did you become some sort of relationship expert
?”

  He looked at me amusedly. “ ’Tis common sense, really.”

  I faced the harbor, which was lined up with buses bursting with tourists. “So I better go see this dolphin.”

  Ever since I’d arrived in Dingle, everybody had been asking me if I’d seen Fungie, the town dolphin. There was a statue of him right next to the information center where Gran worked. I’d gotten my picture taken with the statue my first week there but hadn’t seen Fungie yet.

  “It is rather shocking that you’ve been here for six weeks and haven’t gone.” Liam took out his phone and gestured at me to pose for yet another photo by the statue. “Have some pride in Dingle, will ya?”

  I sulked next to the statue. “It feels a bit touristy.”

  “Right. Because you’re not a tourist.” He snapped the photo. “We’ve got to make sure to get everything in over the next few days. Because you’ll be home soon. So there’s lots to do. Including a decision that needs to be made.”

  He didn’t have to remind me.

  The next two weeks flew by. Gran and Gramps did everything to make sure I got to see as much as I could before I left. I was almost too tired for my farewell party, but if there was one thing I’d learned during my two months in Ireland, it was that the Irish knew how to throw a good party.

  My grandparents’ backyard was transformed into an impromptu music session. We hung up fairy lights around the trees to make it even more magical. Gran and Gramps’s friends, who had become like an extended family to me, started trickling into the backyard. Some of Gramps’s musician friends brought their instruments, and music soon started to fill the cool evening.

  Liam arrived with his mom. “Hey, I brought you something to remember me by,” he said. He handed me a CD; the cover was the photo of me with the Fungie statue. I opened up the case and saw a listing of Irish bands he’d introduced me to during my visit. “While I love all things American, we Irish have superior music. Not like you have any Yank bands on your iTunes, you Anglophile. So it’s time you heard some proper, non-U2 Irish bands.”