The Debt of Tears

  ‘Oh no – we’re much too busy at home today,’ the old girl cackled on regardless. ‘We’ve everything to prepare for Miss Bao-qin’s Giving-away. And I’ve still two pots of lychees to deliver to Master Bao-yu from Miss Bao-chai.’

  She took her leave and went waddling busily out of the room. Dai-yu, who for Bao-chai’s sake had tried to disguise her annoyance at the way the old woman had come barging in, called out after her:

  ‘Please thank Miss Bao-chai for her kind present.’

  ‘La-di-da-di-da!’ the old girl could still be heard burbling away to herself. ‘Only Bao-yu would have the style to match such a fine lady…’

  Dai-yu pretended not to hear.

  ‘Really,’ said Aroma, trying to laugh the whole thing off, ‘when people reach her age they just talk utter nonsense. You don’t know whether to scold or laugh.’

  Snowgoose passed the lychees to Dai-yu.

  ‘I couldn’t; put them away, would you?’

  They chatted a little longer and then Aroma left.

  *

  That evening, when Dai-yu went into her side-room to undress for the night, she caught sight of the lychees again. They reminded her of the old woman’s visit, and revived the pain she had felt at her tactless gossiping. Dusk was falling, and in the stillness a thousand gloomy thoughts seemed to close in and oppress her mind.

  ‘My health is so poor… And time’s running out. I know Bao-yu loves me more than anyone else. But Grannie and Aunt Wang still haven’t mentioned it! If only my parents had settled it for us while they were still alive… But suppose they had? What if they had married me to someone else? Who could ever compare with Bao-yu? Perhaps I’m better off like this after all! At least I’ve still some hope.’

  Like the rope on a pulley her secret hopes and fears spun up and down, tangling themselves tighter and tighter round her heart. Finally, with a sigh and a few tears, she lay down in her clothes, weary and depressed.

  She became vaguely aware of one of the junior maids coming in and saying:

  ‘Miss Lin, Mr Jia Yu-cun is outside and wants to see you.’

  ‘What could he want?’ thought Dai-yu to herself. ‘I’m not a regular student of his. I’m not even a boy. He just happened to coach me when I was a little girl. Anyway, all the times he’s come to see Uncle Zheng he’s never once asked after me, so why should I have to see him now?’

  She told the maid to convey her respects and thank Mr Yu-cun for calling, but to say that poor health obliged her to stay in bed.

  ‘But Miss,’ said the maid, ‘I think he’s come to congratulate you, and some people have come to take you to Nanking.’

  As she was speaking, a group including Xi-feng, Lady Xing, Lady Wang and Bao-chai advanced into the room and announced cheerfully:

  ‘Congratulations my dear! And bon voyage!’

  ‘What do you mean?’ asked Dai-yu in great confusion.

  ‘Come on now.’ It was Xi-feng who replied. ‘You needn’t try and pretend you haven’t heard the news. Your father’s been promoted to Grain Intendant for Hupeh Province and has made a second and highly satisfactory marriage. He doesn’t think it right that you should be left here on your own, and has asked Yu-cun to act as go-between. You’re engaged to be married to a relation of your new stepmother’s, a widower himself I believe. They’ve sent some servants to fetch you home. You’ll probably be married straight away. It’s all your stepmother’s idea. In case you’re not properly taken care of on the voyage, she has asked your cousin Lian to accompany you.’

  Xi-feng’s words made Dai-yu break out in a cold sweat. She now had a feeling that her father was still alive. She began to panic, and said defiantly:

  ‘It’s not true! It’s all a trick of Xi-feng’s!’

  She saw Lady Xing give Lady Wang a meaningful look:

  ‘She won’t believe us. Come, we are wasting our time.’

  ‘Aunt Wang! Aunt Xing! Don’t go!’ Dai-yu begged them, fighting back her tears. But she received no reply. They all gave her a curious smile, and then left together.

  As she stood there and watched them go, panic seized her. She tried to speak, but the only sound that came was a strangled sobbing from the back of her throat. Then she looked about her and saw that somehow she had been transported to Grandmother Jia’s apartment. In that same instant she thought to herself: ‘Grannie’s the only one that can save me now!’ and fell at the old lady’s feet, hugging her by the knees.

  ‘Save me Grannie, please! I’d rather die than go away with them! That stepmother’s not my real mother anyway. I just want to stay here with you!’

  Grandmother Jia’s face only registered a cold smile.

  ‘This has nothing to do with me.’

  ‘But what’s to become of me, Grannie?’ she sobbed.

  ‘Being a man’s second wife has its advantages,’ Grandmother Jia replied. ‘Think of the double dowry you’ll have.’

  ‘If I stay, I won’t cause you any extra expense, I promise I won’t. Oh please save me!’

  ‘It’s no use,’ said Grandmother Jia. ‘All girls marry and leave home. You’re a child and don’t understand these things. You can’t live here for ever, you know.’

  ‘I’ll do anything to stay – I’ll work for my keep, be a slave, anything! Only please don’t let them take me away!’

  This time Grandmother Jia made no reply. Dai-yu hugged her again and sobbed:

  ‘Oh Grannie! You’ve always been so good to me, fussed over me so – how can you treat me like this in my hour of need? Don’t you care about me any more? I may not be one of your real grandchildren, a true Jia like the others, but my mother was your own daughter, your own flesh and blood! For her sake have pity on me! Don’t let me be taken away!’

  With these last words she flung herself frantically upon Lady Jia, burying her head in her lap and sobbing violently.

  ‘Faithful,’ the old lady commanded, ‘take Miss Dai-yu to her room to rest. She is wearing me out.’

  There was no mistaking the finality in Grandmother Jia’s voice. To Dai-yu, suicide now seemed the only course. She rose, and as she walked from the room her heart yearned for a mother of her own to turn to. All the affection shown her by grandmother, aunts and cousins alike, had now been exposed for what it was and had been all along – a sham. Suddenly she thought: ‘Why haven’t I seen Bao-yu today? He might still know of a way out.’ And as the thought entered her mind, she looked up and sure enough, there, standing right in front of her, all laughter and smiles, was Bao-yu himself.

  ‘My warmest congratulations, coz!’

  This was too much for Dai-yu. Her last vestige of maidenly reserve vanished. She clutched hold of him and cried out:

  ‘Now I know how heartless and cruel you really are, Bao-yu!’

  ‘No, you are wrong,’ he replied. ‘But if you have a husband to go to, then we must go our separate ways.’

  Dai-yu listened in despair as this, her very last hope, was taken from her. Clinging to him helplessly, she gave a feverish cry:

  ‘Oh Bao! I’ve no separate way to go! How could you say such a thing!’

  ‘If you don’t want to go, then stay here,’ he replied calmly. ‘You were originally engaged to me. That’s why you came to live here. Has it never occurred to you how specially I’ve always treated you? Haven’t you noticed?’

  Suddenly it all seemed clear. She really was engaged to Bao-yu after all. Of course she was! In an instant her despair changed to joy.

  ‘My mind is made up once and for ever! But you must give me the word. Am I to go? Or am I to stay?’

  ‘I’ve told you, stay here with me. If you still don’t trust me, look at my heart.’

  With these words he took out a small knife and brought it down across his chest. Blood came spurting out. Terrified out of her wits, Dai-yu tried to staunch the flow with her hand, crying out:

  ‘How could you? You should have killed me first!’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ said Bao-yu. ‘I’m going to
show you my heart.’

  He fumbled about inside the gaping flesh, while Dai-yu, shaking convulsively, afraid someone might burst in on them at any moment, pressed him to her tightly and wept bitterly.

  ‘Oh no!’ said Bao-yu. ‘It’s not there any more! My time has come!’

  His eyes flickered and he fell with a dull thud to the floor. Dai-yu let out a piercing scream. She heard Nightingale calling her:

  ‘Miss Lin! Miss Lin! You’re having a nightmare! Wake up! Come along now, you must get undressed and go to sleep properly.’

  Dai-yu turned over in her bed. So it had all been a nightmare. But she could still feel her throat choking, her heart was still pounding, the top of her pillow was drenched in sweat, and a tingly, icy sensation ran down her back and chilled her to the core.

  ‘Mother and father died long ago. Bao-yu and I have never been engaged,’ she thought to herself. ‘What ever could have made me have such a dream?’

  The scenes of her dream passed before her eyes again. She was on her own in the world, she reflected. Supposing Bao-yu really died – what then? The thought was enough to bring back all the pain and confusion. She began to weep, and tiny beads of sweat broke out down the length of her body. Finally she struggled up, took off her outer robe and told Nightingale to make the bed. She lay down again, and began turning restlessly from side to side, unable to get to sleep. She could hear the gentle sighing of the wind outside her window – or was it the drizzle falling softly on the roof? Once, the sound died away and she thought she could hear someone calling in the distance. But it was only Nightingale, who had already fallen asleep and was snoring in a corner of the room. With a great effort, Dai-yu struggled out of bed, wrapped the quilt around her and sat up. An icy draught from a crack in the casement soon sent her shivering back under the covers again. She was just beginning to doze off when the sparrows struck up their dawn-chorus from their nests in the bamboos. First light was gradually beginning to show through the shutters and paper window-panes.

  Dai-yu was now wide awake again and started coughing. Nightingale awoke at once.

  ‘Still awake, Miss? Coughing too – it sounds as if you’ve caught a chill. Why, it’s almost light, it’ll soon be morning! Please try and stop thinking so much, and rest. You need to sleep.’

  ‘I want to sleep,’ replied Dai-yu. ‘But what’s the good? I just can’t. You go back to sleep anyway.’ These last words were interrupted by another fit of coughing.

  Nightingale was already distressed at her mistress’s condition and had no inclination to go back to sleep. When she heard her coughing again, she hurried over to hold up the spittoon. By now it was dawn outside.

  ‘Haven’t you gone to sleep?’ asked Dai-yu.

  ‘Sleep?’ replied Nightingale cheerfully. ‘It’s already daylight.’

  ‘In that case, could you change the spittoon?’

  ‘Certainly Miss.’

  Leaving the full spittoon on a table in the outer room, Nightingale went promptly to fetch a fresh one, which she placed at the foot of the kang. Then, closing the door of the inner room carefully behind her and letting down the flower-patterned portière, she went out to wake Snowgoose, taking the full spittoon with her. When she came to empty it in the courtyard, and looked closer, she noticed to her horror some specks of blood in the phlegm.

  ‘Goodness!’ she blurted out. ‘How awful!’

  ‘What’s the matter?’ Dai-yu called out at once from inside.

  ‘Oh nothing, Miss!’

  Nightingale tried her best to cover up her blunder. ‘The spittoon slipped in my hand and I nearly dropped it.’

  ‘You didn’t find anything odd in the phlegm?’

  ‘Oh no, Miss.’ A lump came into Nightingale’s throat, and she could say no more. Tears came streaming down her cheeks.

  Dai-yu had already noticed a sickly taste in her mouth, and her earlier suspicions were strengthened first by Nightingale’s cry of alarm, and now by the unmistakable note of dismay in her voice.

  ‘Come in,’ she told Nightingale. ‘It must be cold outside.’

  ‘I’m coming, Miss.’ She sounded more disconsolate than ever. Her tragic snuffly tone set Dai-yu shivering. The door opened and she walked in, still dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief.

  ‘Come along now,’ said Dai-yu. ‘Crying so early in the morning?’

  ‘Who’s crying?’ said Nightingale, doing her best to smile. ‘It’s so early and my eyes are a bit itchy, that’s all. You were awake longer than ever last night, weren’t you, Miss? I could hear you coughing half the night.’

  ‘I know. The more I wanted to sleep, the wider awake I became.’

  ‘You’re not well, Miss. I think all this worrying is ruining your health. And good health is like the hill in the proverb:

  Keep the hill green, keep the hill green,

  And you’ll never lack fuel for winter again.

  Besides, everyone here cares for you so. Her Old Ladyship does, Her Ladyship does, everyone does!’

  How could Nightingale know that the mere mention of these homely names, intended to reassure and comfort, was enough to conjure up again the horror of the nightmare? Dai-yu felt her heart thumping, everything went black before her eyes, and she seemed on the point of fainting altogether. Nightingale quickly held out the spittoon while Snowgoose patted her lightly on the back. After a long while she coughed up another mouthful of phlegm. In it was a thick wriggling strand of dark red blood. The two maids were pale with fright. They stood supporting her, one on each side, until finally she slumped back, scarcely conscious. Nightingale, aware of the critical nature of her condition, looked at Snowgoose and made an urgent movement with her lips that clearly meant: ‘Go and fetch someone – quickly!’

  Snowgoose was no sooner out of the door than she saw Kingfisher and Ebony coming towards the Naiad’s House, smiling as they walked along.

  ‘Isn’t Miss Lin up yet?’ inquired Kingfisher cheerfully. ‘My mistress and Miss Tan-chun are both round at Miss Xi-chun’s discussing her painting of the garden.’

  Snowgoose hushed them both with a quick gesture.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ they asked in alarm. Snowgoose told them all that had happened, and they shot out their tongues in horror.

  ‘But that’s serious! Why haven’t you been to tell Her Old Ladyship? What a terrible thing! How could you be so silly!’

  ‘I was on my way when you two arrived,’ replied Snowgoose.

  ‘Who’s that talking outside?’ called Nightingale from the bedroom. ‘Miss Lin wants to know.’

  The three of them went in together, to find Dai-yu lying wrapped up in bed.

  ‘What’s all the excitement about?’ she asked them. ‘Who’s been telling you tales?’

  It was Ebony who replied:

  ‘Miss Tan-chun and Miss Xiang-yun have just gone over to Miss Xi-chun’s to discuss her landscape of the garden, and they sent us here to ask you to join them, Miss Lin. We’re sorry to hear that you’re not well.’

  ‘It’s nothing serious,’ said Dai-yu. ‘I’m just feeling a bit weak, that’s all. I’ll be up when I’ve had a little rest. Will you tell Miss Tan-chun and Miss Xiang-yun that I should like them to come here after lunch, if they’re not too busy? I don’t suppose Master Bao’s been over there, has he?’

  ‘No, Miss,’ came the reply. ‘Master Bao has been going to school the last few days,’ continued Ebony, ‘and the Master tests him every day, so he doesn’t get a chance to romp around as he used to.’

  Dai-yu was silent and thoughtful. The two maids stood around for a minute or two longer and then discreetly withdrew.

  At the Lotus Pavilion, Xi-chun’s painting of Prospect Garden was being subjected to an aesthetic appraisal by Tan-chun and Xiang-yun. Too much here, not enough there, a little too thin in one place, too crowded in another. They were thinking of adding a poetry inscription, and had sent to ask for Dai-yu’s advice. They were busily talking when Kingfisher and Ebony came back, looking very f
lustered. Xiang-yun was the first to question them:

  ‘Why hasn’t Miss Lin come with you?’

  ‘She had a bad relapse last night, Miss,’ replied Kingfisher, ‘and was up coughing most of the night. According to Snowgoose the phlegm in her spittoon was flecked with blood.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ asked Tan-chun, aghast.

  ‘Quite sure,’ replied Kingfisher.

  ‘We’ve just been in to see her, Miss,’ said Ebony. ‘She looks dreadful, and hardly has the strength to speak.’

  ‘If she’s as sick as that, she’s hardly likely to be able to speak,’ said Xiang-yun bluntly.

  ‘What nonsense, Yun! Why if she couldn’t speak that would mean she was past…’

  Tan-chun broke off in mid-sentence.

  ‘Dai is a clever soul,’ said Xi-chun. ‘But she does have a tendency to take everything too seriously. If only she could see beyond it all.’

  ‘We must go and see how she is, anyway,’ said Tan-chun. ‘If it is serious, we’d better tell Cousin Wan and let Grannie know, so they can send for a doctor and find out what to do.’

  Xiang-yun agreed, and she and Tan-chun set off with a couple of junior maids for the Naiad’s House. Xi-chun said she would follow later.

  The sight of the girls coming into her room gave Dai-yu a queer feeling, and set her brooding once more over her dream. If Grandmother Jia had proved so cold in the dream, wouldn’t Tan and Yun have been even more so? Would they even have bothered to come and see her now, she wondered, if she had not made a point of asking them to? Not allowing these doubts to show, she made a big effort and told Nightingale to prop her up, murmuring to the others to sit down. Tan-chun and Xiang-yun sat one at each end of the bed, deeply moved by the sight of Dai-yu in this condition.

  ‘What do you think is the matter, Dai?’ asked Tan-chun.

  ‘Oh, it’s nothing serious. I just feel so drained.’

  Nightingale, who was standing on the other side of Dai-yu, secretly pointed to the spittoon, and Xiang-yun (the younger and by nature less circumspect of the two girls) picked it up and had a look. It was too late:

  ‘Ith thith yourth, Dai?’ she asked in a voice of horror. ‘How awful!’