Her Daughter's Dream

  No one was ever home when she got there. What difference did it make if she spent the night in the cottage—or anywhere else, for that matter? It wasn’t like Dock would come back after more than ten years. Even he hadn’t wanted her in the end. “I’m fine, Mom. Go away.”

  “Well, if you’re sure . . .” Her mother sounded hesitant. Something in her voice caught Carolyn’s attention. She pulled the blankets off her head, but her mother was already heading for the door. As it closed behind her, Carolyn wept. She lay in the darkness, wishing her mother had argued a little. She wished she’d sat on the bed for a few minutes longer.

  But then, she’d have to care to do that.

  8

  1965

  While everyone else in her class grew more excited with the approach of graduation, Carolyn dreaded it. It meant she would have to leave home. She didn’t have any great desire to go to college, but it seemed to be what everyone expected of her.

  Oma made calls and fanned out university and state college brochures and application forms on the kitchen table. “War or not, the world goes on, Carolyn, and you have to make plans.” UC Berkeley was close. She could come home on weekends. So she applied there, for Oma’s sake, as well as Chabot junior college and Heald College in Hayward.

  Dad seemed stunned when Carolyn was accepted at Berkeley. Oma asked why, for goodness’ sake. “Did you think your daughter was stupid?”

  Her brother came home for her graduation. It passed in a blur. Dad took pictures. Mom made a nice dinner. Oma decorated a cake. Carolyn received cards of congratulations and money from Uncle Bernie and Aunt Elizabeth, Aunt Clotilde, and Aunt Rikka. Charlie grew restless. He wanted to go into town and see friends, although most of them had gone elsewhere for the summer. Dad asked if he ever heard from Mitch Hastings. Charlie said they talked. Mitch’s mom had died of cancer, and his dad had moved to Florida and remarried. Mitch had made the Ohio State team, second-string. Mitch wouldn’t be coming back to Paxtown anytime soon, if ever.

  Carolyn felt a pang of disappointment. She supposed it was silly to wish Mitch Hastings might come home someday and see her as someone other than Charlie’s kid sister.

  “What do you say we take a ride, Sis?”

  Mom told them to go ahead and have some fun.

  They drove into town. Charlie said he was proud of her. She had received an award for being on the honor roll every semester since freshman year. “Why so glum?”

  “Just scared, I guess.”

  “Scared of what?”

  “Whether I can make it or not.”

  “You’ll make it.” Charlie drove from the high school to the end of Main Street, turned around, and came back. He honked and waved at people he knew. Everyone remembered her brother. He talked about college friends and professors, classes and football games, beer busts and pretty sorority girls. Charlie, so full of confidence, afraid of nothing.

  “I’m amazed Dad agreed to send you to Berkeley. It’s a hotbed of subversives!”

  “He was always after you to go.”

  “Yeah, well, you’re another story. It doesn’t seem like a good fit for you. USC is hard enough, even for a coddled football player. But Berkeley! Man, that place has a reputation for chewing people up and spitting them out.”

  “Oma talked me into it.”

  He laughed. “You’re going to like living in another universe, Carolyn.” He honked at someone else and waved before giving her a quick glance. “Just don’t turn into a hippy.”

  “You’re the one letting your hair grow.” Dad had made more than one comment about it over the last few days. “How do you get away with it? I thought you had to keep it short for football.”

  Charlie scowled. He didn’t answer immediately. “Football’s something else that chews you up and spits you out. Seems like a stupid waste of time when you consider all the guys going to Vietnam and dying to protect our freedom.”

  Her body tightened. She stared at him. He gave her a quick glance, an odd look on his face. “Mitch joined the Marine Corps. Did I tell you that?”

  Her heart sank. “You said he was playing football for Ohio State.”

  “He was. He quit.”

  Her heart started pounding. She kept looking at Charlie. “I hope the war ends before you finish college.”

  “It won’t.” He stared straight ahead. Someone honked. He didn’t notice this time.

  “I hope you don’t get drafted.”

  “I won’t get drafted, Carolyn.”

  She clenched her hands at the assurance in his tone. “Don’t enlist, Charlie. Please, don’t even think about enlisting.”

  “I already did.”

  She put her hands over her ears. “No, you didn’t! Don’t tell me you did! Don’t!”

  Charlie turned off at the end of Main Street and took the road past the fairgrounds, out to the road along the hills. “Take it easy.”

  Take it easy? Take it easy! She couldn’t catch her breath.

  “Someone has to go. Why not me? Why is it always someone else who has to do the dirty work? You’re going to have to help me break the news to Mom and Dad.”

  When she tried to open the car door, he yanked her back. “What are you doing? Are you crazy?” Swerving to the side of the road, Charlie slammed on the brakes. “Are you trying to get us both killed?”

  “You’re the one who’s going to get killed!” Sobbing, she jerked herself free, scrambled out of the car, and ran.

  Charlie caught up with her. “Carolyn!” He pulled her around and locked his arms around her. “Hey. I didn’t think you’d take it like this.”

  She felt half-smothered against his USC jacket. She clung to it, burying her face in his chest. “I don’t want you to go, Charlie. Don’t go. Please don’t go.”

  “It’s too late to change my mind, even if I wanted to, which I don’t.”

  She hadn’t heard the worst of it yet.

  * * *

  “The Marine Corps?” Dad turned ghastly white. “The Marine Corps?”

  Charlie looked confident. “Why not be among the best of the best?”

  “Why did you do it?” Dad swore. “Because Mitch Hastings joined up?”

  “No, Dad. I can think for myself. I’m doing it to serve my country.” He sounded angry. “I thought you, of all people, would understand.” He looked from Dad to Mom and gave a nervous laugh. “You raised me to be a patriot, didn’t you? You’ve been talking about what it means to be an American for as long as I can remember. You served. Why shouldn’t I?”

  “I was a medic, Charlie! We went in after the damage was done, to clean up the mess. The Marines are always the first in, the first up the beach!” His voice broke.

  Mom covered her face and wept.

  Charlie looked embarrassed. “I’ll be okay.”

  “Yeah. Every young man thinks he’s going to be okay. You signed up to be cannon fodder!” Dad shoved his chair back and left the table. Mom looked at Charlie, tried to speak. Nothing came out.

  “I’m doing the right thing, Mom.”

  Her mouth trembled. “It’s not a football game, Charlie.”

  Charlie’s face tightened. “Do you think I don’t know that?”

  “Why didn’t you discuss this with us first?”

  “I don’t need your permission. It’s my life. It’s my decision.” His defiance melted when Mom started to cry again. “Mom . . .” He reached out to her. She got up and headed for the bedroom.

  Charlie pushed his chair back and gave Carolyn an apologetic look. “I’ve got to get out of here.” He glanced toward the back of the house. “I wish they’d stop thinking of me as their little boy.”

  “Can I go with you?”

  “Not this time. Okay? I’m supposed to meet a couple of the guys at the Gay 90s.”

  Carolyn sat at the table alone, listening to Charlie’s red Impala speed down the gravel driveway. She wished she could run, too. She wished she could take off and go hang out with friends who would understand what
she was feeling, maybe help her make some kind of sense out of the world.

  She went to the cottage. Oma turned off the television and patted the space beside her on the sofa.

  “Charlie’s enlisted in the Marine Corps.”

  Oma let out a deep breath. “I knew he’d done something. He looked different.”

  Carolyn put her head in Oma’s lap and wept. “I don’t want him to go.”

  Oma stroked her hair. “It’s not your choice, Liebling. All you can do is live your life and let Charlie live his.” She rested her hand on Carolyn’s head. “It’s a lesson I’ve had to learn over the years.”

  “I’m going to worry about him every day.”

  “No. You’re going to go to the university and study and meet interesting people. You’re going to make dreams for yourself. You’ll be so busy you won’t have time to fret.”

  “They’ll send him to Vietnam.”

  “We don’t know that yet.”

  “They will, Oma.”

  “Then we’ll pray. We’ll get everyone in the church and all our relatives and friends praying, too. And we’ll write letters to him so he knows we love him. Sometimes that’s all you can do, Carolyn. Love people for who they are, pray, and leave them in God’s hands.”

  Carolyn wasn’t sure she could trust God. After all, God hadn’t done anything to protect her from Dock.

  9

  Carolyn worked all summer serving hamburgers and milk shakes at the local diner, and Charlie came in every day. He didn’t have to report to San Diego for basic training until the end of summer. Mitch had already finished basic and transferred to infantry training. Charlie drove down when Mitch called and said he had weekend liberty. When Charlie came home, he disappeared for a day without saying where he was going. He came into the diner just before Carolyn finished work and gave her a ride home.

  “I decided not to wait. I’m flying to San Diego on Friday. I’ll be in basic by the beginning of next week.”

  She made fists in her lap and looked out the window. “Why are you in such a hurry to die, Charlie?”

  “I don’t plan to die. I just can’t stand hanging around here any longer listening to Mom cry or having Dad sit and stare at the news. It’s better if I go. You want to be the one to drive me to the airport?”

  “No.”

  “Come on, Sis.” He tried to coax her. “I’ll loan you my car for four years.”

  “I don’t want your car.” She wanted to know her brother would be safe, and he’d just obliterated that hope.

  He sighed dramatically. “I guess I’ll take the bus and then a cab.” She knew he expected her to give in.

  Dad drove Charlie to the airport. Mom closed herself in the master bedroom and didn’t come out all that day or that evening.

  Three weeks later, Carolyn packed and tried to prepare herself to leave home.

  Dad said Mom wasn’t up to taking her, and he had to work. Her grandmother would make sure she got settled.

  * * *

  Carolyn carried her things into the dorm. When everything had been put away in her small room, Oma suggested they go for a walk. “I’d like to see the campus before I leave.” They wandered for two hours along the walkways past great halls and through plazas. Oma wanted to see Sather Gate, the Bancroft Library, and the Campanile. “I would’ve given anything to attend a university like this. My father took me out of school when I turned twelve. He thought education was wasted on a girl.”

  “You know more than most of the teachers I’ve met, Oma.”

  Oma gave a short, humorless laugh. “You don’t give up just because someone says you can’t do something. Sometimes telling someone she can’t makes her want it all the more.”

  Oma took Carolyn’s hand as they walked back to the old gray Plymouth. “Time for me to go.” Oma hugged her tightly and patted her cheek. “You’ll be learning from masters. Take advantage of every moment you have.”

  “I’ll do my best.”

  “Your best is all anyone can ask.”

  * * *

  Carolyn kept her word. She attended every class, took voluminous notes, studied late into the night, turned in all her assignments on time, and passed her midterms.

  Charlie made it through basic and came home on leave. He drove to Berkeley and took Carolyn over to San Francisco for a day. He’d changed since she’d last seen him. He didn’t say much about training, but pressed her for information about her classes, how she liked Berkeley, if she was finding her way okay. She said everything was fine, just fine.

  They sat on a bench along Fisherman’s Wharf. Girls looked at Charlie as they walked by. He looked back at a few. She teased him. “Wishing your little sister wasn’t here?”

  He laughed and said being locked up in a barracks for weeks on end tended to make a man appreciate the scenery more. “What about you, Sis? Having any fun?”

  “Fun? I’m concentrating on keeping my head above water.”

  “Oma said you made the dean’s list.”

  Carolyn shrugged.

  Charlie straightened and studied her. “You’ll make it, Carolyn. You’re a survivor.”

  What about him? Would he make it? “I love you, Charlie. If anything happens to you . . .” She wondered if school was even important anymore.

  He put his arm tight around her shoulders. She rested her head against him. He didn’t make any promises this time.

  When Charlie dropped her off at the door, the resident manager asked to speak with her. Two students weren’t getting along. “You seem to get along with everybody. Would you mind trying another roommate?” Carolyn didn’t have the nerve to say no. The RM looked relieved.

  Depressed, Carolyn went upstairs, bought a Coke from the vending machine, and settled down to study. The door burst open, banging into the closet. Without apology, a girl entered and swung a duffel bag off her shoulder, flinging it onto the striped bed. “Rachel Altman.” She extended her hand. “Since we’re now roommates, call me Chel.” She had a gravelly voice with an Eastern accent.

  Startled, Carolyn shook hands. The girl had an arresting, if not beautiful, face framed by a mass of long, curling red hair held back by a woven leather headband with beaded tassels. She wore a white low-necked blouse that was nearly transparent and would have been indecent if not for the bangles and beads. A macramé belt with more beads held up skintight, brown corduroy, hip-hugging bell-bottom pants. Pulling her hand free, the girl dropped onto the bed and gave it a few experimental bounces. Her gold circle bracelets jangled. “Well, it ain’t the Waldorf.”

  Carolyn stared, speechless. Chel looked Carolyn over, from her white Keds and socks to her ponytail. Her mouth tipped in a sardonic smile. “Let me guess. You’re an education major, primary education. Right?”

  Carolyn confessed. “What about you?”

  “Liberal arts, baby. I’m liberal, and I like art. Seemed a good choice at the time, though I’ve been thinking about changing it to psychology or sociology. Any -ology would do.”

  “How did you guess mine?”

  Chel’s smile turned sly. “I just looked around. All your notes in neat little piles, typed. Books lined up. No dust on your desk. Your bed is made. All you need is a shiny apple on your desk.” She flung herself backward onto the bed and put her hands behind her head. “And you’re wearing a bra! I’ll bet when you get dressed up, you wear a skirt and a nice sweater and pearls.” She muttered a curse and lunged up, startling Carolyn again. “Don’t worry, babe. I don’t bite. Not girls anyway.” She grinned broadly. “You look pretty uptight. You want some pot?” She laughed. “You should see your face. Haven’t tried it yet, have you?” She stood and headed for the door. “Let’s get out of here for a while, have coffee at the student union. I promise to be on my best behavior.” She dragged Carolyn. “Come on. Live a little.”

  Carolyn forgot all about her studies.

  Chel talked all afternoon. She seemed high on life—or something. She told Carolyn she’d grown up at the Waldorf,
cared for by a well-paid but disinterested nanny while her even more disinterested daddy went off to make his millions, and her bored, disinterested mother went off to ski at Saint Moritz or buy more designer clothes in Paris. “Heaven knows where she is right now, and I couldn’t care less. They’re both capitalist pigs polluting the air we breathe.”

  She had left New York City and come to Berkeley because “Berkeley is the center of the universe, babe. It’s where everything is happening! Haven’t you looked around at all? I want to be in the middle of it. Don’t you?”

  Carolyn surprised herself and admitted she’d never had the courage to be in the middle of anything. “I’ve always found a way to blend in.”

  “A skill I obviously don’t have.” When Chel laughed, people looked, and she didn’t care.

  Carolyn had seen free spirits around the campus, but she’d never been this close to one. Chel was like an exotic bird with wild, colorful plumage who’d managed to escape from a zoo and find her way to Carolyn’s dorm room. Chel fascinated Carolyn and made her laugh.

  Chel looked smug. “I think you and I are going to get along real well.”

  She hardly saw Chel during the day, but they talked for hours when she returned from classes or wherever she’d gone. She brought pot back to the room. She put a wet towel against the bottom of the door and opened the window. “Come on, Caro. It’s not going to kill you.” Carolyn took a tentative puff. Chel laughed at her. “Inhale.” After a few drags, Carolyn found herself talking. Chel lounged on her bed and kept asking questions. When asked if she’d ever had sex, Carolyn told her about Dock. Chel stopped smiling.

  Despite their vast difference in material resources, Carolyn found their backgrounds weren’t that different. Absentee parents who, when around, were still so preoccupied with their own problems and projects they were blind to anyone else. Of course, Mom and Dad had never been blind to Charlie. But then, Charlie was something special. She talked a lot about her brother.

  “You’re like a marionette, aren’t you, babe? Dancing to everyone else’s tune?”

  No one made Chel dance.