Shadows in the Silence

  But the memories also made things more complicated. My Guardian…How I had allowed myself to have feelings for him—to love him—was beyond me, but I’d been human for so long. I was built to be a soldier, the perfect machine created to seek and destroy. I commanded my own legions of angels that devastated and banished the armies of Lucifer eons ago. When I was first told I would be sent to Earth to destroy the demonic reaper spawn of Lucifer’s Fallen abominations, Sammael and Lilith, I had felt the first flicker of emotion since my creation. I was…uncertain. I’d seen the humans, watched them grow from languageless creatures into a species with ideas and ambitions, and I wasn’t sure I would be able to walk among them. To feel as they do. To smile the way I’d seen them smile. I carried a dark secret in my heart: I wanted these things. When I become mortal, God gave me a human soul. He told me that His angels weren’t as perfect as He had hoped we would be, that there was something missing in us, something that kept us from reaching our full potential as His creation. He told me that my human soul was a gift, that it would save me—save us all. And then I had felt the second emotion since my creation: doubt.

  My time in Heaven was always so brief in between my mortal deaths and I remembered nothing the instant I returned to my human vessel. That had been frustrating. No matter how much I trained with my brothers and sisters in Heaven, or how much strength I gathered in my archangel power, it all went to waste the moment I returned to Earth.

  When Michael had discovered Bastian’s plans to release Sammael and Lilith, my orders were to remain in Heaven. on my next reincarnation, I had to be stronger, faster, and more certain to defeat the Fallen. We’d hoped that the longer I delayed my return to Earth, the likelier chance I’d retain my memories as my true self. Unfortunately, this had the opposite effect and I’d had an even more difficult time regaining even my human memories. I’d set myself even farther back and only made myself more human, a mewling little thing—a human teenage girl.

  But now my power had returned to me. It surged through me like a torrential river waiting to be unleashed. Now that I had ascended, everything had proven worthwhile. Yet there was something inside of me that churned and whispered to me, something that had a different and immeasurable power of its own: my soul. It had stayed with me through my ascension, because it had become a part of me. My soul was who I was, the unique individual I had become.

  And yet…That human version of me proved to be stronger than any previous incarnation. As a human girl, I had felt insurmountable fear, yet I had surmounted it. I had felt love, and I had fought harder for my friends and family because of it. I had faced enemies that should have defeated me, and yet I walked away alive. There had been strength in my human self that no one could have ever anticipated—or perhaps someone did and He had been right. Perhaps this human soul was a gift after all, just as God had promised me.

  But would it save me? Save us all?

  I found the key to my hotel room in my pocket. once inside, I tossed my burned clothing in the trash and put on fresh jeans and a shirt. My stomach rumbled, surprising me. I hadn’t expected to feel hunger now that I had ascended. This made me wonder how human I had remained.

  The door burst open and my Guardian emerged, his face clenched with anger, and as soon as he saw me, relief poured over him. “Thank God you’re here. Why would you take off like that?”

  “You said that we would meet everyone back here,” I said.

  “You’re supposed to wait for me!” he shouted. “We’re supposed to stick together!”

  I put my palm to my belly. “I’m hungry.”

  His eyes bulged. “You’re—? What is wrong with you?”

  “This form is strange to me.”

  “Strange?”

  “I was human only minutes ago,” I said. “Now I am an archangel.” I held out my hands and tightened them into fists, watching tendons and joints move and contract. “There is blood in my veins. I’m not supposed to hunger, or feel tired, or need to breathe. In truth, I don’t know what I’ve become. I am an archangel, but I am more than that.”

  He lifted both his hands and touched either sides of my face, letting his fingers spill into my hair. “You know exactly what you are.”

  I studied how the hard look on his face softened as he touched me, as if the feel of me did that to him, comforted him. “You are very peculiar.”

  “I’m just being me,” he said. “You’re the one acting weird.”

  “I remember everything,” I told him, and I didn’t push him away. “You loved me.”

  “I still do, even though you don’t love me anymore. I promised you I would.”

  I couldn’t look away from his face, no matter how hard I tried. “This is not permitted.”

  His gaze fell and he reached for one of my hands. He drew it close to his lips. “What isn’t?”

  “You are not permitted to touch me.”

  “Then stop me.” His eyes flashed brightly. His nose and lips brushed my palm, his breath warm on my skin, and that uncompelled sensation returned to me.

  “I don’t want to,” I told him. “I’m not supposed to want you to touch me.”

  “You smell like jasmine,” he said very softly. “It’s the cream you put on your skin every morning after your shower. You still smell like the human girl you were minutes ago. You still are her. I know this body of yours as well as I know my own. You’re still my Ellie.”

  His lips found my wrist and he closed his eyes as he kissed the tender skin there. I shivered and drew away from him, afraid of this feeling he gave me that was more than physical. I remembered too well the way he made me feel, but I didn’t understand it. I knew what he felt and that I had felt the same, but those emotions were gone and never should have existed in the first place.

  He looked at me with eyes full of a mixture of hurt and determination. “I’ll bring you back to me.”

  I started to say something, but the door opened again and another reaper stepped through. This was the demonic reaper, the brother of my Guardian, and behind him, a second demonic reaper appeared.

  “Hey, guys,” Cadan greeted. “You remember Ronan, right?”

  I recognized the tall vir’s ginger-colored hair and candy-orange eyes. He wore a wary expression and his gaze shifted from Will to me. “Gabriel,” he said, his tone careful.

  Cadan watched me cautiously, studying me. As he grew closer, I sensed his demonic energy scratching at my own power like cat claws on a wall, digging through paint and plaster with an ear-splitting screech. I gritted my teeth hard and crushed my nails into my palm to keep myself grounded. I had called this demonic reaper my friend, this demonic reaper who had told me he loved me. The emotions in me now were so stirring, so conflicting, and I did not know what to do with myself. I was an archangel. What had I done to deserve the love of a demonic reaper? It was a strange thing.

  “Are you okay?” he asked, watching my fists tighten as hard as they could. He took a step forward, but stopped himself. There was fear in his eyes as he gave Will a panicked look. “What did you mean by ‘sort of’ on the phone?”

  “She’s an archangel,” Will confirmed. “But things are…complicated.”

  “How complicated? Is she dangerous?”

  I glared at both of them. “I am still able to hear you.”

  “How do you feel?” Cadan asked. “Stronger?”

  “I know I am stronger and I am ready to fight,” I said. “We must gather our forces and meet the armies of Hell on Armageddon. Is Ronan your recruit?”

  “I am, among others,” Ronan replied stiffly.

  “I have a little army of my own now,” Cadan said. “Those who have been loyal to me before are no longer afraid to stand against Sammael.”

  “Good,” I said. “I’m grateful for your allegiance. I hold no ill will toward those demonic who will fight by my side.”

  He gave me an odd look. “Are you sure you’re okay? Ellie, are you in there? You seem…off.”

  “She’s still
settling in,” Will said pointedly, and crossed his arms.

  I met his piercing green gaze. So much was stirring and unsaid in those hidden depths, and I remembered how I once comforted him when he looked like that. I shut my eyes tight. I remembered so much. I was weary with it all.

  The hotel room door opened once more. Ethan Stone seemed out of breath and relieved. “You found her. Excellent. That’d be awkward if we handed out ‘lost archangel’ posters all over town. No one would take us seriously, for God’s sake. They’d arrest us!”

  “Ethan,” Will mumbled disapprovingly.

  “Well, they’d arrest you first,” he continued, pointing at Will. “You’re far more shady-looking than I. The tattoos. That’s what it is.”

  I stepped up to him, having to crane my neck to look into his face. “Thank you for assisting in my ascension. You will be rewarded upon our victory.”

  His mouth twitched. “Upon our victory. of course there’s a catch. My men are willing to meet you on Har Megiddo, but I have no intention of taking command of them, or to stick around for the battle. I’ve had enough excitement with you to last me several lifetimes.”

  “You’re leaving?” Will asked.

  “Weep for me if you must,” Ethan said. “Adieu, my reaper friends, and currently archangel friend. Look me up if you survive the apocalypse, yeah?”

  After Ethan had gone, Cadan gave an update on the state of our army and that of Sammael. “I have a hundred or so recruited under my command. I’ve led in battle before and I’m willing to take more.”

  “Have you heard from Ava and Marcus?” Will asked.

  Cadan nodded. “They have several thousand soldiers, perhaps enough to fill a legion, who will arrive tomorrow at dusk on the hill. All reapers have been anticipating this battle. They’ve been ready.”

  “Sammael knows we’re in Jerusalem,” Ronan said. “The battle on Armageddon has been long foretold. He will have his spies watching the hill.”

  “I will not wait for him,” I said, gazing down at the Pentalpha around my finger. “I will call him to me.”

  Will watched me with a careful gaze. “Are you sure?”

  “I have the power I need,” I said. “It’s time to fight. Do we have an estimation of our enemies’ numbers?”

  Cadan looked grim. “Ten thousand. Likely more. We’re still outnumbered two to one, even with an archangel on our side.”

  “Do not forget how David defeated Goliath,” I told him. “Not with skill in warfare or large numbers, but with faith. You must believe that we can win, or we cannot win. Have faith in me and in yourself.”

  “Always.” He offered a small smile that lasted for only a moment and he turned toward the door. “The sun’s coming up. We’ll meet you on the hill at twilight.”

  The two demonic reapers left me alone with my Guardian once more. The stillness between us was eerily quiet and as tense as cracks in glass. Though he sat in a chair at the table and said nothing, Will seemed to be balancing on the edge of screaming at the top of his lungs. I did not know what to do. I was exhausted, not only from the journey and my ascension, but from the battle I waged against myself deep within. My humanity, my human soul, was not lost; it lingered like a stubborn piece of flesh left hanging from the cut of a sword and was just as agonizing. My archangel discipline wanted to yank it off and cast it aside, but I clung to it. I knew I was supposed to let go, but I didn’t want to. I was afraid to. Acknowledging my fear had to be the first step of my undoing.

  “Are you prepared?” Will asked. “We should sleep a few hours, eat, and head to the hill.”

  I refused to make the mistake of letting my thoughts show. “I have been preparing for this a very long time. I will evoke Azrael, claim the hallowed glaive, and I will defeat Sammael and Lilith.”

  He stood and eased toward me, but remained several feet away. “It’s okay if you’re afraid. I know the angels are not supposed to feel emotion, but I know you do. I can still feel you through the link in my tattoos.”

  My heartbeat quickened as he neared me, no matter how calm I struggled to stay. “Emotion is a weakness.”

  “That’s not what you’ve said, and believed.”

  “I was wrong.”

  “You’re wrong now,” he said. “You’re lying about what you really think.”

  I glared at him. “How would you know what I think?”

  His smile was small and secret. “Because I have loved you for five centuries and I know your heart. You’ve spent a lot of time teaching me to bend the rules and to follow my heart, and you know what? You were right. So there is no way I will ever believe that everything about you has changed in one night.”

  “I know better now,” I told him. “Anything but obedience is wrong.”

  He shook his head, his gaze hardening. “You don’t believe that.”

  “I am an archangel,” I said. “I must obey—”

  “And give up happiness?” he asked, cutting me off. “I know you remember what it felt like to be human. You can’t deny that.”

  I took a deep breath, summoning my courage. “I don’t deny it. My humanity haunts me.”

  “Then come back to me,” he begged. “With every second that passes I see a little more of Ellie in your eyes.”

  I tried not to look at him, words sputtering out of me like water. “We are not supposed to feel. To feel is to disobey.”

  “That isn’t you talking,” he said. “I want her back. I want Ellie back.”

  “This is who I am, Guardian.”

  “No. She’s still in there.” He grabbed me by the wrist and yanked me against him, startling me.

  “Let go of me,” I ordered. “What are you doing?”

  His firefly eyes, all green flames and shadows, seared into mine. “I’m waking you up.”

  I gasped as he dipped his head and kissed me hard, opening his mouth against mine and crushing me into his body. I pressed my hands into his chest, feeling his hot skin beneath my fingertips, and I knew I should push him away, but I didn’t want to. His kiss brought memories raging to the surface of my mind, thoughts I couldn’t experience without…without feeling with a part of me that was deeper than my skin, a part of me that ached. I felt happiness and comfort and a wanting for him, every inch of him. I felt this human soul stir and cry out, beating at the walls that had caged it in when I’d become an archangel again. My human soul was the core of this body, my archangel power just an extension—something alien. I had to accept what I was now: an archangel with a human soul. I was happy, and that made me stronger, more determined. I was a puzzle made of pieces that didn’t belong, but when he touched me, those pieces melded together with perfection, as if they’d always been meant to. As if he’d always been meant to touch me.

  He pulled away with a deep breath, his eyes even brighter than they were moments ago. They scattered over every inch of my face and returned to linger on my lips before his gaze met mine, his fingers twining through my hair. “Say my name,” he ordered, his voice low and husky.

  I swallowed hard. “Will.”

  His jaw tightened and he shook his head. “No. Say my name like you know you love me. Like you remember what it feels like when I touch you. Like you remember what I feel like.”

  I shut my eyes and remembered the heat of his skin on mine, the sound of his voice in the darkness, the sound of my own name on his lips whispered into my ear like a prayer.

  A human tear rolled down my cheek and I wasn’t ashamed of it. “Will,” I breathed.

  He smiled that familiar smile that was only ever for me, and I once again understood what beautiful meant. He was beautiful. The love I felt for him was beautiful. Will. My Will. Then he kissed me again and I lost myself in him.

  32

  I WATCHED THE MOON RISE OVER HAR MEGIDDO from my perch on the hill overlooking an expansive valley of green farmland, rich dark soil, and rock. I sat atop an ancient stone wall built into a ledge, one leg dangling over the edge, and I leaned onto my other knee.
The stone was still warm from the day’s sun, and the ruins cast long, clawlike shadows in the silence. The scrub-covered hill was dotted with tall palms and fresh excavations uncovering layers upon layers of human civilization. Soon the hill would be dotted with blood as well.

  Will came toward me, hopping over a low stone wall and jogging up a staircase carved into the rock. “They’re here,” he said.

  I gazed ahead at a great shadow coming up the hill and I smiled, nodding in approval. Ava, Marcus, and Madeleine had returned, and with them, a legion of angelic reapers. My three friends came forward with the other angelic reapers serving as my generals, the elite. I recognized the faces of Berengar, Calix, and Evolet. A fiery-haired female staying close to Ava had to be Maeghan, her contact in Brussels.

  “Ellie!” Marcus called. He looked tired and, in fact, they all did. “Did it work? Are you an angel?”

  I answered by spreading my wings, tearing through the fabric of my shirt. Surprise lit their faces—some showing fear—their gazes running the length of my wings, spilling over the gleam of the feathers in the moonlight. only Madeleine looked upon me with sadness.

  “Thank you for joining us,” I said to them.

  Evolet flashed me a smile. “What can I say? You inspired me.”

  “My lady,” Berengar murmured, and dropped to his knees. “Gabriel.”

  The army of angelic reapers knelt to the ground, folding over like a wave breaking the beach. I surveyed them, friends and strangers who’d come here to perhaps die for our cause, and I stood up from my spot on the ledge. We were outnumbered two to one, but I knew that more than ratios and ready swords mattered in this battle. These soldiers had faith in me as their leader, and faith was what we needed to win.

  “Rise,” I called out to them, and the sea of reapers returned to their feet, a thousand pairs of eyes like a rainbow of stars across the dark land. “I do not wish for tribute. I wish only for your faith in me. We have all come a long way to meet on this hill. Some of you may be afraid, and that is all right.”

  I looked at Will below me on the ground, whose smile was quiet as he watched me.