Inappropriate: Three Short Stories

stuff like this...now my probation’s done...become a gardener or a clearance man. Start me own business.’

  ‘That sounds great.’

  I was getting sweaty in my need to impress her. ‘I’ll do yours free, of course. As you are my first and most loyal customer.’

  Her eyes twinkled. ‘I would recommend you.’

  That twinkle brought a flash-image of us lying naked in a cornfield. ‘Yeah. I’m gonna start me own business.’ Fin glanced at me with a chortle. ‘Yeah, Fin,’ I said and smiled back. ‘You’ll be depending on your Uncle Deke to fix your swing and keep that lawn all neat and tidy for your gnomes.’

  ‘Gnome,’ he said.’

  ‘Yeah, gnome.’

  Elaine was still smiling at me.

  I wanted to stand here, just stand here all day but sensed a time limit on how long I could do so before she thought me weird. ‘Anyway.’ I bounced on my heels. ‘Best clear up, I s’ pose. Get goin.’ The words sounded forced, my throat gone dry.

  ‘I hope that dream comes true,’ she said.

  ‘Yeah.’ I retraced my way back to the fence.

  I had never known such sincerity. She really wanted me to make something of myself. Her thank you left me glowing. Before I knew it, a shower was upon me. I’d packed my camping gear in a rucksack along with my tools. Any wildlife that cared to venture here would find no shelter, no food, no place to go. The rain felt warm, flattening my hair and soaking my coat. Why bother lifting my rucksack if it served better as a seat? I sat there like a tired scarecrow and let the rain pound about me.

  ‘Why are you still here?’

  She’d asked the question twice but I hadn’t heard the first time. An umbrella sheltered her head but I sat too far away to appreciate it.

  ‘Are you okay?’ The rain almost drowned out her words.

  ‘Yeah,’ I mumbled and couldn’t tell if I was crying.

  She said something else but the rain had become deafening.

  I said aloud, ‘I don’t wanna go back!’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I said, I don’t wanna go back!’ And then added, ‘He’s not fuckin’ good enough for you!’

  She shook her head not understanding.

  ‘You should be with me!’ She remained still and I couldn’t tell if she heard. ‘It’s not fair!’

  I grabbed my rucksack and trudged into the rain. I decided she wouldn’t hear even if I had shouted it from the top of my voice.

  Ed told me I’d done good and assigned me a job at Crackly Woods clearing pathways. I could snatch her son and join the police hunt in finding him. She would need me all over again. My tip-off would make her see me as more than just a rat catcher, but a hero, someone she would choose to be with. My screwdriver slipped in my grasp as I followed Anthony to Janker’s Eatery after work. I watched him laugh with his mates. How could that smug brick-faced head obsess over last night’s rugger match with his toff mates rather than be with her? I took the next pew up. The seats are pure upholstery. I could stick all six inches of my screwdriver through the seat and puncture his kidney. Where would his jollity go then?

  Instead I sat back to him, my head bowed.

  But that wasn’t as bad as seeing them together. I stalked them one aisle up in the supermarket as she asked his opinion on what she should wear for her friend’s wedding. I wished we existed ten thousand years ago. Society wouldn’t exist to prosecute a man for keeping a woman trapped in a cave to kiss her head to toe, to fuck her when he wanted. So-called society wouldn’t exist to stop him with restraining orders, rules, the law invented by sanctimonious pricks. Anthony decided he had important business to attend to and he took off with his mate in a sporty Peugeot.

  I followed Elaine and Fin to ToyzRUs. I walked right behind them and neither noticed. I could see my hand snag the kid’s collar and in a flash be down the next street. I spotted Spuddy at the counter. I averted my face and shifted through the automatic doors. I pulled my hood up and waited behind a wall. Sweat trickled down my spine yet a chill sprouted from a nasty inner creep. The doors swished and I caught a bar of Disney Muzak. I wanted to nuke the place.

  Elaine complete with trolley pushed past. Fin sat inside, tapping a wooden giraffe against the handle. She would have to turn her back on him as she unlocked the doors. She would have to leave him unattended as she returned the trolley to the park.

  I couldn’t believe my luck when she left her car door open. My mouth stretched into a sneer as she went on her way with the trolley.

  I drifted towards her open door and a waft of lemon car-freshener. Fin couldn’t have been more pleased to see me. The flesh on his lower eyelids pulled over his moist eyes and he cooed, ‘gnome! gnome!’ His wooden giraffe took another bashing. Sweat rashed over my forehead.

  ‘Yeah, Fin. It’s me. I’m gonna be takin’ care of you for a bit.’ I grappled at the fastener.

  Before I knew it, my feet were slapping over the tarmac. The row of shops on the other side of the street drifted closer. I could see the van parked round the corner, the windows blacked out. What Zane didn’t bank on was the CCTVs outside Manni’s shop.

  All I had to do was stand at the van’s rear. I lowered my hood should a hidden Cyclops fancy a mug-shot. I even got me screwdriver out and bashed the paintwork. ‘C’mon, take a look! Take a good, hard fuckin’ look!’ The security lights flashed on.

  Before long, the whites of Zane’s eyes blazed against the backlight. He bounded over, dropping a bag of stuff on the floor with a clatter. He shoved me against the wall. ‘What the fuck ‘re you playin’ at?’ Darrell came out of nowhere, took one look at us on the floor and scarpered.

  Zane’s bare-knuckle jabs didn’t hurt. Neither did the connection of my shoulder blade against brick. He took off as the alley began to flicker. He didn’t get far. Neither did Darrell.

  She was talking to Spud in the ToyzRUs car park as the two officers dragged me into the car. She looked at me. Her polite smile froze. Her hand came up to her mouth. At least she hadn’t experienced the horror that could have been. At least Fin remained in her car. Maybe I deserved Spud’s righteous look beside her. She was safely on the other side of the rain-flecked glass window.

  Safe from me.

  It seemed that fly had got into my system. Still, Inside has its perks. Routine. Diversion. Inside was inside. A safe distance for her.