Before The Dawn



  Before the dawn

  ©Wendy Maddocks 2011

  Before the dawn

  Copyright Wendy Maddocks 2011

  Other works by Wendy Maddocks

  Stand alone novels

  Twisted evil

  Into the darkness

  Short story collections

  The thrill of the Chase

  A Shade too young

  The Shades of Northwood series

  Running shoes

  Circle of arms

  Unfinished business

  Kiss at midnight

  Circle of the Fallen series

  Angels of America

  Poetry collections

  When I was young

  Before the dawn

  Screenplays

  RISK

  Non-fiction

  Student: dazed and confused

  Introduction

  Has anyone ever noticed how much cooler everything is when you do it at night? There’s something about those hours of darkness that has always fascinated me. Magic, moonlight, mystery. All of those things are only really real when there’s no harsh light of day with its’ cruel and cold logic.

  Have you ever been awake and staring out of your window at three in the morning when you know you should be asleep? It feels as though the rest of the world is sleeping and you’re the only one awake. Even if you’re surrounded by other people, you feel special – as if whatever you do now holds some air of secrecy because it is only worth doing wrapped in the blanket of night. You can do things – special dark things – and you can love people – people who live in the night... like you.

  Stolen night

  Velvet sunrise steals my spider dark night

  As I haunt this hollow house

  Screaming my misty spells

  By silver candlelight

  Shimmering in and out at silken will

  Phantoms and ghosts from the grave

  Words from beyond

  Dark night

  Silver-white shot peppers my midnight sky

  Talcum powder shower in this dark night

  Suddenly there is nowhere I can hide

  Dying stars rain down on me I cry

  Inside

  Shadows come out at night to play

  Black unseens spook around their graves

  Far from starlit safety I have strayed

  And I can’t hide although I’ve lost my way

  Again

  Straight from hell

  Fires are roaring and the furies are raging

  Somewhere in the tunnels a banshee is wailing

  I swear in the darkness

  I saw dead men parading

  And have no respect for the live

  In the darkest of shadows on the darkest of nights

  There’s a gun in a hand, getting ready to fight

  The sewers are crawling

  Towards the home of the dead

  And the sirens scream out their toll

  White splits the night, a silver-black ghost

  It screams down the road like a bat straight from hell

  Running wild and free

  Spewing flame from a barrel

  Gunning like a bat straight from hell

  The banshee wails on in the fires that surround

  The sirens were too late to save the boy with the gun

  He put a bullet in his head

  And another in the ground

  The dead men are rising again

  Didn’t see the curve and went straight over the edge

  Lying twisted and torn at the foot of a cliff

  Bleeding to death and defeated

  He saw his own heart rise from his chest

  Screaming like a bat straight from hell

  White roses

  Red roses lost their colour

  The rain washed it all away

  And now the roses are white

  From the cradle to the grave

  And all that is in between

  Colour is bleached by the rain

  Beauty is bleached from roses

  And they lie, white, on a stone

  For the shadow lasts longer

  Than the whole

  Sailor to a siren

  You mustn’t

  You shouldn’t

  But you know you will

  I know you will

  I picked you out in the crowd

  It wasn’t hard

  Them – heaving, shouting

  You – tranquil, serene

  Glowing like a bright beacon

  Of tarnished purity

  Shining like a wave on the water

  Come tell me what you’ve done

  Confess all your sins

  Renew your vows

  But you know you will break them

  You shouldn’t follow me

  Or obey my commands

  But you can’t help yourself

  The lights are seductively low

  But I can see you

  You can’t hide

  You don’t want to hide

  Look at the moon-kissed sky

  Yes

  You are outside now

  Under the darkness

  I did not demand you come

  Free will did

  And you listened to it

  As you will to me

  You come to me

  Like sand to the shore

  Breath to the bones

  Rolling

  And flowing

  And now I see how you remind me

  Of the sea

  Somewhere

  Where feet wade through blood

  Where hands claw for air

  Where eyes close in hate

  Where guns draw their fate

  Where nerves are on edge

  Where bombs are the norm

  Where innocents have bled

  Where angels fear to tread

  Where graves are three deep

  Where children are armed

  Where soldiers are scared

  Where ‘goodbye’ is prepared

  Where skin tears by knife

  Where screams fill the air

  Where the darkness is bliss

  Where the living’s just this

  Where pain is the peace

  Where death is release

  Black velvet

  And looming before me

  Like the darkness of the grave

  Is the shadow of death

  The shadow is not welcomed

  But nor is it feared

  It is soft and black like velvet

  And breaks my fall

  I do not run to it with open arms

  Though I embrace it like sleep

  Sleep that will keep me

  For ever

  Darkness is growing

  Enveloping me in its’ comfortable grasp

  There is no escape from

  The final sleep

  I accept the shadow of death

  And the sleep it provides

  But it offers no rest

  For never

  My cradle is my grave

  And it holds me

  No saviour will come to my rescue

  But I don’t need saving

  Lying here still

  In my bed of plush velvet

  Did no-one tell you…

  I’m just sleeping

  2 a.m. at the dirt track with Jim

  I hear motorcycles

  Grinding away at their dirty

  Oily passions

  And the satisfied purr of completion

  Petrol fumes and

  Speed

  Nothing better than that

  Gnawing into a body with silky

  Silver phantom bike

  Gr
owling

  Craving ever more

  Than it can ever be given

  Anger and greasy moans and

  Tyre tracks

  Roars of rapid, fleeting

  Pleasure

  And broken hearts

  Hiding in the night

  All around, the cold night air falls

  And I’m afraid to break the silence

  In these same four walls

  The still night surrounds us

  There is no escape

  So surrender to the darkness

  Surrender to fate

  And the purpose of the darkness is to drive us all wild

  Till I find myself hiding in your arms like a child

  And all that’s around us is so cool and still

  And it feels like forever tonight

  So give yourself to me

  Sacrifice your free will

  Till everything evil just falls out of sight

  In the silence, one heart beats loudly

  In the stillness, one soul is not calm

  Safe in this one room

  The cold does not touch us

  And we hear no stories of doom

  Lonely is the night-time

  But worse is the day

  For the darkness conceals the pain

  It’s been a long night tonight, too long

  Silent and tranquil and dark

  And your arms held me strong as dusk deepened to black

  Something about this peace time is wrong

  Sweet revenge

  Find another hundred ways to make me bleed

  And I’ll find a hundred more to hurt you

  I spill red when you cut me

  My bones splinter when you break them

  So I press charges

  Or key your car

  I stain the carpet crimson

  But I’m not cleaning it

  Well, you’re the one with the knife

  You call the carpet cleaners

  I bruise too easy and deep

  You tell me to cover them up

  But I like this kaleidoscope of colours

  Like when I torched your clothes

  Now

  You still planning to hurt me?

  Twisted

  It was over a long time ago

  Only I didn’t want to believe it

  So I kept sleeping with him

  Telling him I loved him

  I even wore his ring

  And it didn’t even sting

  Never thought it’d be this easy to lie

  Always imagined I’d feel worse

  But it’s more of a blessing than a curse

  Love doesn’t mean anything

  It’s only a word we used to know

  So I can say it

  I can maintain the twisted truth

  Always preferred it twisted

  More fun to straighten it out

  ‘Cos I don’t have to know what I’m talking about

  Phantom

  The night she died, it was dark

  It was hot too

  The middle of summer, in fact

  It was midnight

  Thunder clouds rolling overhead

  The rain held off

  But the tyres didn’t grip

  Silver ghost bike

  Speeding through each bend and curve

  Silver ghost bike

  With a silver ghost girl

  I shall wake

  One day

  I know

  I shall wake from this dream

  I shall shake myself from this slumber

  Oh, how I wish

  I was just sleeping

  That I could still be that safe

  This is no dream

  Still, I shall wake from it

  With silent fright

  I know

  I shall make no sound

  Noise escapes me

  I am not sleeping

  Or breathing

  Just dreaming

  And

  One day, I shall wake

  At the end of the tunnel

  My world gets so dark

  Sometimes

  It gets hard to see the light

  And then I have to wonder

  If there’s even any light left

  The dark goes on so far

  My eyes seem to have adjusted

  To the black

  But I still can’t find the light

  Is it still out there?

  When we sleep

  The whole world is burning

  Orange and golden flames light up

  A dark night sky

  Stars are exploding

  Into millions of sparking splinters

  And the howls of the fires hang like

  The agonised power chords

  Of bleeding guitars

  Sirens scream through the night

  Begging to be heard

  As tears run in rivers

  For those who danced with the devil

  The whole world is burning

  For all you know

  You’re the only one left alive

  What are you gonna do?

  My own flames

  Wish I could say sorry

  Or forgive me my sins

  But I’m not sorry

  And I don’t seek forgiveness

  I’m twisted

  And wicked

  And consumed by the flames

  Of my own creation

  I’m an abomination

  Or so society says

  And who am I to argue?

  Hell, I argue it

  All the time

  Defending my crime

  I’m happy

  And warped

  But lost in the confusion

  In which I live

  Learning not to give

  I’m genetically screwed

  Not what they expect

  Smart

  Funny

  Determined

  Happy

  Independent

  Insane

  Engulfed in my own flames

  Wish I could say sorry

  But I don’t like lying

  Princess of nightmares

  The armies of darkness

  They give and they take

  The soldiers of sleep-time

  They scream and they shake

  The princess of nightmares

  And she will awake

  Awake into darkness

  She blends and she fades

  A shadow in shadows

  She smiles at her trade

  A life in the light

  For a life in the shade

  The princess, she tells us

  We’ll die in our dreams

  So dark and demonic

  She sings and she screams

  The hush

  I see the darkness

  And behind the shadows

  I hear the silence

  And under the whispers

  You’re still here with me

  Watching me

  Saving me

  Leaving me

  The ghosts of your laughter

  A phantom settles

  Into a silver silhouette

  You were pushed before you fell

  To this quiet place

  Where you call my name

  Silently

  It grows darker

  And the shadows lengthen

  You chase them away

  The coldness comes

  And your phantom freezes

  Noiseless

  Motionless

  You’re still here

  I see beyond the darkness

  You are in the shadows

  I hear beyond the silence

  You are all the whispers

  Nocturnal pleasure

  Engines purring for greasy passions

  In dirty back alleys

  Beautiful in the afterglow of

  The need for speed

  Motorbikes breeding
by night

  Growling to be pushed

  To work the throttle a little harder

  They’re not built for comfort

  They were built for speed

  In the shadows

  The shadows are coming

  And they’re growing large enough

  To swallow me

  Things used to hide in them

  Now nothing does

  Sometimes everything does

  Ready to pounce and tear me apart

  Like the beast

  Most things are too scared of

  What might already be there

  Something darker

  Something deeper

  Than the superficial ebony flashes

  The shadows want me to join them

  To be black and hateful

  And unable to claw mw escape

  Yet, I refuse the offer of the shadow

  Unwilling to join the beast

  Running from its blood red gift

  Drawn to the light

  But the shadows are coming

  Splinters

  My childhood has shattered into splinters

  Of memories

  And pieces of dreams

  It is as it must be

  And it should now be broken

  Away from the horrors and terrors

  And nightmares best unspoken

  Flashbacks to times once lived

  Bring out the worst of the bad

  Times when I dreamed of fortune and fame

  And freedom from the one I call Dad

  Now the splinters are buried deep

  And all ties are being severed

  But the price for that gift is steep

  My youth must be shunned

  With savage abandon

  Running from cover

  Running from home

  A child no longer – no illusions

  Shatter-proof dreams

  Spider-webbed thoughts of what if…