Transgender J

  One of the side effects of the weaning from his ‘super hormones’ was that he had ‘developed’ a fierce temper. Over the months since he started working with the Team as he liked to call the group of doctors that Mahmoud had rallied around him, he had developed ways of controlling it. It still terrified him though, this newly acquired capacity for major violence. He felt a tingle of concern for the residents of this house. The Team had said he was ready. He did not feel remotely ready for anything.

  He couldn’t dwell longer on his concern because just as Mahmoud got out of the car, his mouth opening to probably scold him, the front door burst open and a pretty girl of average height burst out of it as well. She stumbled to a stop a few feet from Jay, looking him over like he was some exotic plant. An older, gentler version of the young girl came out more sedately from the front door accompanied by a fine and distinguished looking man.

  “Hello Mahmoud. It wasn’t difficult to locate us was it?” the woman greeted with her warm voice. Her voice brought to mind hearth and warmth and all the things Jay imagined home should be.

  He felt the sting of tears behind his eyes and sighed inwardly. These drugs had really messed him up. His emotions were all over the place. He could be happy and smiling one minute and burst into tears the next minute with minimum provocation. He could just as easily explode inexplicably into a mother of all temper tantrums. He eyes caught movement and he turned to look at the girl again. She seemed to be hopping from one foot to the other. Jay’s amused glance took all of her in. She looked like she could be eighteen or so. Pretty, intelligence and curiousity clearly stamped on her face. She wasn’t slim per say, she just had the slenderness of youth, her curves as yet untried. He felt a thrill of masculine appreciation go through him. It shocked him enough that he snapped his eyes away from her as if she was a very bright light and it hurt to look at her.

  “So, this is Jay.” Her father said. If he had noticed the exchanged looks between Jay and his daughter, he said nothing about it and to Jay, nothing in his demeanour suggested that he had seen anything.

  “Good day Sir. Ma’am.” He greeted.

  “Good evening Jay.” The father responded. “You are welcome to our home.” “Come in.” he said as he turned to lead them into the house. Jay noticed that Mahmoud had opened the trunk of the car and stood by it. He went up to him and made to carry his portmanteau but Mahmoud grabbed his hand.

  “Were you just attracted by Angela?” He asked Jay.

  “Is that her name?” Jay asked in return. He had forgotten that a year and half of studying him had been deeply ingrained in Mahmoud. HE would have noticed, even if no one else had.

  “Try not to cause too much trouble Jay. There is no rush okay. Go easy on yourself.” He stopped abruptly as he was sometimes wont to do. Jay had learned that he did that when he had something more to say but was weighing his words.

  Jay looked at his friend. “Are you w….” he started.

  “No. You are as ready as you need to be. Go live Jay.” he said as she slammed the trunk shut and followed him into house to embrace his new life.

  CHAPTER 4

  Angela had finally driven him insane! She had succeeded where ‘super hormone’ had failed. And here he thought his life after David and his pimp could only get easier.

  In the three months since he had come to stay with the Achas’, he had rediscovered what family was.

  Mrs. Acha had proven to be all that he had imagined she would be that first day outside her home. She was lovingly firm with him. It was as if life was intent on handing him back a slice of the youth that had been stolen from him. Mr. Acha was an enigma. Jay could not get a handle on him.

  He remembered the morning after he first arrived. He had been awoken by someone knocking on the door of his room at what had seemed to him an ungodly hour of the day.

  “Prayer time Jay. Downstairs in the living room.” Mrs. Acha had called through his closed door.

  Prayer time? What was that? Jay had wondered as he struggled against the sleep that had wanted to reclaim him. He did not imagine he would score any brownies points by breaking house rules on his first day in so he had hopped out of bed and dragged his way down to the living room.

  What had happened after that was something he still could not exactly explain or comprehend. Mr. Acha had led the family in worship. It was not so much that Jay did not believe in God as much as it was that he had never had Him brought so closely to his consciousness. At least, he could not remember if he had had any notion of Him from his earlier years as his memories from that time were still very vague.

  That experience had been repeated every morning and evening in the Acha household.

  As Jay sat stirring his cup of tea in the kitchen, he tried to sort through his feelings about prayer and the God concept. Jay was not sure he wanted to believe in a God. Because if He really did exist, Jay had some tough questions he really would love to ask Him.

  Just then, Mr. Acha walked into the kitchen. If he had not seen other members of his family jump in surprise when he quietly walked in on them, he would have long imagined that Mr. Acha purposely liked to catch him unawares. It was not that he was doing anything wrong, he had tried to be so careful not to cause any offence, it was more like…jittery. Jay was jittery. He kept waiting for the gig to be up. This family was so wholesome, he felt like a contaminant around them. Resentment roiled in him as his mind gave voice to this thought. He did not know how to be whole.

  “Good morning Sir.” He greeted Mr. Acha again, even though they had earlier seen each other during prayer time, as he tried to control his fidgeting on his seat. The family had a way of dispersing immediately after prayers to ready themselves for the day. It was odd to Jay but he was getting used to it.

  “Good morning Jay.” Mr. Acha replied as he set out the makings of his morning beverage. “I trust you slept better tonight.” He said as he went about the kitchen.

  Jay tried to decide if he had indeed slept any better than usual as he set his tea spoon down. “No. I believe I slept just as usual.” He responded.

  “Hmph.” Was the response from Mr. Acha. “The girls aren’t down yet?”

  “No Sir.”

  Mr. Acha brought his beverage to the table and joined Jay in sipping it.

  “How are things progressing at the Centre? He asked Jay.

  Jay turned to him in surprise. In his three months of staying at his house, Mr. Acha had never tried to engage him in any conversation beyond the mundane. In fact, if it had not been a part of the discussion that first day that Mahmoud brought him to the house, he would have imagined that Mr. Acha had no knowledge of where he had been before coming to his house.

  “So far so good.” Jay responded. “They assure me I’m responding as well as they hoped to my treatments.” He shrugged and continued to sip his now cool tea.

  “What exactly are you being treated for?” Mr. Acha asked.

  Jay paused in the act of raising his mug to his lips. He carefully dropped the mug back to the table and turned to face Mr. Acha.

  “I imagined Mahmoud mentioned it.”

  “No. He never has. I did not ask.” He continued sipping his beverage while watching Jay closely. Jay drew a lungful of air and pushed it out on a breath. He considered answering blithely, but changed his mind. After all, the man had housed and fed him for three months. He had opened up his home and family to him. The least he could do was try to answer him as honestly as he was able and ready to.

  “Depression amongst other things.” He responded. His last evaluation had said he was no longer maniacally depressed. He believed them. He actually could feel the madness receding each day.

  “What brought about your feelings of depression?” he asked.

  Jay sniggered. He almost clamped his hand over his mouth but restrained himself at the last minute. He stared at his tea cup wondering what tack to follow.

  “Can I ask you a question Sir?” Mr. Acha inclined his head to indicate that he could
. “Why now? You’ve never been curious before, why now?”

  Mr. Acha placed his cup back on the table and readjusted his weight around the chair. “Because…” he began.

  “Goood mooorrning!!!!” the greeting rang out as Angela bounced into the kitchen.

  It seemed to Jay that Mr. Acha deflated a bit. He could not help the relief that coursed through him. That was a bullet missed. He was not ready for this conversation. Not yet.

  “Good morning Princess.” Mr. Acha replied. “How was your night?”

  “Good. “ said Princess responded as she leaned against the counter top. “Good morning Jay” she greeted as she pierced him with her gaze.

  “Good morning Angela.” Jay responded as he got up to rinse out his mug at the sink. He needed to get out of here fast.

  “I’ve said most people call me Angie. I’m going to wonder if I’ve offended you in some way if you keep calling me ‘Angela’.” She mimed his voice.

  Jay smiled as he carefully placed his rinsed mug on the drain. That was something else to be grateful for. His voice had started deepening in the last few weeks. His voice was no longer that ambivalent neither-feminine-nor-masculine timbre that it had been. It was definitely shifting towards masculine.

  “Angie.” He said as he turned around. He caught the speculation that had appeared in her father’s eye as they had bandied words and fled towards the door. He was not sure what exactly it was he was fleeing from, and he had a feeling he was not quite ready to find out.

  “Jay.” Replied in like tones. “Isn’t it your check up at the Centre today?” she asked. “I can drop you off on my way to school if you like.” She offered.

  “Ah…thanks but you don’t…”

  “Ah phish!” she exclaimed. “Learn how to receive help! It won’t kill you, I promise. I should be leaving by a quarter to eight.” She said as she looked at her watch.

  Jay noticed for the first time that she was fully dressed to go out. He glanced at the clock hanging on the wall. He had some twenty minutes if he wanted to catch up. It briefly crossed his mind that he could delay until she had to leave without him but quickly discarded the thought. It would not gain him anything. He looked back at Angela. She stood waiting for his response to her offer. He snuck a glance at her father. He was stirring his cup of beverage with what seemed like intense concentration, intense and unnecessary in Jay’s estimation.

  “I’ll be down in a jiffy.” He responded as he walked out of the kitchen.

  He heard the rumble of Mr. Acha’s voice as he began climbing the stairs and the tinkle of Angela’s response. He wondered if the conversation was about him.

  CHAPTER 5

  As the car skidded to a stop in front of the Centre, Jay released his tight grip on his seat. He has just been convinced in his belief that Angela was out to drive him insane. She drove like a fiend!

  “So here we are.” She glanced at his hand, “Good to see you are no longer squeezing my chair like you expect something to pop out if you squeeze hard enough.” She chided.

  Jay released the breath he had not realized he was holding. “Thank you.” He said his voice came up a bit squeaky.

  “What exactly do they do in there?” she asked squinting up at the building through her window.

  What was this? Forty questions day?

  “You want to come in and find out for yourself?” his tone came out harsh in exasperation.

  Her eyes widened a bit as she turned back to him. Jay opened the door on his side and began to get out of the car only to be struck motionless by Angie’s grip on his lower arm.

  “I don’t know what the deal is with you, I sense there is a lot more than you are letting on, but I will take you up on that offer someday soon.” She said.

  “Why do you sound like you are throwing down a gauntlet there?” Jay asked.

  “Because you threw down one. I will pick it up. One day soon. Now, please get out of my car so I can zoom off to school!” she ended teasingly.

  “You are sassy.” Jay said contemplatively. “Don’t pick this gauntlet.” He said as he got out of the car. He slammed the door and waited for her to ‘zoom’ off. She considered him just as contemplatively for a few moments and shifted her gear. “Sorry Maestro.” She said with a small smile as she zoomed off.

  What? What did she mean by that? Jay wondered as he turned to climb the steps into the building.

  “You both seem to be getting along.” Mahmoud drawled from the top of the stairs.

  Jay looked up at him. “Ho! Didn’t see you there.” He said as he jogged up the remaining stairs.

  “What? You guys sneaking around on her parents?” Mahmoud countered.

  “What?!” Jay exclaimed, flabbergasted at the idea.

  “Never mind!” Mahmoud shrugged as he turned around and stalked into the building leaving Jay open mouthed at the top of the stairs.

  >0
  Angie watched as Jay watered the plants around the compound. He had taken to doing it every evening. She suspected he did it to get away from everyone for a little while. There were not so many plants that it would take him a couple of hours to water them.

  She reclined on the chaise lounge and watched through the glass sliding door. If Jay realized someone was watching him, he did not act like it mattered.

  “What are you thinking?” She jerked at the voice and then on recognizing it relaxed.

  “You and dad both know how to…scare people!” she exclaimed at her mother. “I didn’t hear you walk in.”

  Mrs. Acha walked over to deep cushioned chair opposite her. “That’s because you were so engrossed with…” she inclined her head in the direction of Jay, still outside, still supposedly watering this one plant. Angie thought that if the plant could speak, it would have yelled that it had had enough for one day.

  “Those plants may not survive this onslaught of care.” She joked.

  Mrs. Acha sighed and turned to watch Jay as well. They sat in silence watching for a few more minutes together.

  “Do you know what’s wrong with him?” Angie asked.

  “I know what we were told.” Her mother replied. “I suspect…there’s a lot more. The boy’s been traumatized.”

  Angie turned from watching Jay to study her mum. Mrs. Acha continued, still looking at Jay, “It’s just an intuition.” She responded to her daughter’s unasked question.

  ‘Why do you and dad do this thing?” Angie asked.

  Mrs. Acha smiled. That smile acknowledged that her child was truly on the threshold of adulthood. Her baby was becoming grown.

  “Because someone should.” She replied simply. She turned to look at her daughter. “It is always scary opening up your home to strangers, but people have been known to entertain angels this way.”

  Angie scoffed and turned back to watching Jay. Mercifully, he had moved on to another plant.

  “What happens at the Centre? I tried to use the search engines to find out. There’s nothing at all about it. How come a place that big has nothing, nothing at all said about it?”

  For awhile, it seemed like Angie would not get any response.

  “We’ll know what it is when he’s ready.” Mrs. Acha replied. “Meanwhile, you need to go rescue my flowers. I’m particular about that set he’s getting to.” She smiled widely as she took her eyes off Jay and looked at her daughter momentarily. “I doubt that will survive that much care.”

  Angie huffed as she stood from the chaise lounge. Jay. He was becoming an enigma she ‘needed’ to figure out. Her brow wrinkled at the thought.

  >0
  Jay listened with a sinking heart as the Team reviewed his ‘progress’ so far.

  “The regression seems to have stalled.” Doctor Greene was saying. “We’ve tried all we can reasonably do. It’s not happening.” He sounded like he was about to start bawling.

  “What about the unreasonable?” Doctor Umar of the arresting eyes asked.

  There was a gasp from the only female in the room. Doc
tor Sarah Jane Kwesi. She did not say much. Jay thought that he would be hard placed to pick out her voice from a cacophony. He had so seldom heard it.

  “That is a risk we are not prepared to take at this point.” The abrupt response came from Mahmoud.

  Umar scoffed mildly. “Attempting what we did was crazy enough as it was! If pushing the envelope a little further can get us results, why not?”

  “There’s no guarantee. The risks are enormous.” Greene postulated.

  “There was none when we decided to see if we could ‘treat’ him!” Umar argued.

  Jay’s eyes followed the word ping-pong all around the room. He was exhausted. Emotionally, physically, mentally!

  There was a tense silence as everyone seemed to weigh the options available in their minds.

  They were right. Things had been going so well. He had begun to hope…but it had been premature. Jay scanned the room, his eyes taking in all the apparatus set up all around the room. He wished fervently that he had never begun to hope. At the same time, what else did he have?

  “What have we determined my condition to be for now?” he asked the room in general.

  There was no immediate response. Then Sarah Jane spoke up.

  “The physiological effects of the drug have been largely reversed.” She began, “…but…the…your hormonal chart is still all over the place.” She sighed. “The easiest way I can think to explain it is, your body doesn’t seem to ‘know’ which hormones it ought to be producing or in what quantities.” She took a deep breath and continued. “So it’s producing hormones randomly in stupendous quantities in some instances. We are concerned that…your body can’t handle this strain for too long.” Her voice quieted out as she rounded up her speech.

  The silence intensified.

  “I…am I…dying?” Jay asked as his heart stuttered.

  “We are all dying Jay.” Umar replied. “It’s a matter of how and when.”

  Everyone but Jay seemed unable to stay still. Jay was perfectly still, held motionless by the thoughts racing through his head.

  “The odds are a lot worse for me though.” He finally said.

  Umar scoffed. “I could walk out of here and slip on my way down the stairs. Crack my head against some of our fancy paneling and split my skull open.” He smirked, leaning against the wall as he folded his hand across his chest.