The Deportees

  —TOO BAD OUR BLISS—

  The second album, Dark Side of the Coombe, will be the classic. Tom Waits will fly in, to sing with Paddy.

  —HAD TO END UP LIKE THIS—

  Talvin Singh will guest on three tracks, Aimee Mann will sing on two. The two Dans will play with the Wu-Tang Clan, and Lauryn Hill will drop by. Bono will bring a pizza, and Eminem will bring his ma. Yo-Yo Ma will make the tea, and Jimmy will make his own day when he opens the studio door, finds Ronan Keating, and tells him to fuck – right – off.

  —I'M CHECKIN' OUT—

  GO'OM BYE–EEE.

  New Boy

  1 He Is Very Late

  He sits.

  He sits in the classroom. It is his first day.

  He is late.

  He is five years late.

  And that is very late, he thinks.

  He is nine. The other boys and girls have been like this, together, since they were four. But he is new.

  —We have a new boy with us today, says the teacher-lady.

  —So what? says a boy who is behind him.

  Other boys and some girls laugh. He does not know exactly why. He does not like this.

  —Now now, says the teacher-lady.

  She told him her name when he was brought here by the man but he does not now remember it. He did not hear it properly.

  —Hands in the air, she says.

  All around him, children lift their hands. He does this too. There is then, quite quickly, silence.

  —Good, says the teacher-lady. —Now.

  She smiles at him. He does not smile. Boys and girls will laugh. He thinks that this will happen if he smiles.

  The teacher-lady says his name.

  —Stand up, she says.

  Again, she says his name. Again, she smiles. He stands. He looks only at the teacher-lady.

  —Everybody, this is Joseph. Say Hello.

  —Hello!

  —HELLO!

  —HELL-OHH!

  —Hands in the air!

  The children lift their hands. He also lifts his hands. There is silence. It is a clever trick, he thinks.

  —Sit down, Joseph.

  He sits down. His hands are still in the air.

  —Now. Hands down.

  Right behind him, dropped hands smack the desk. It is the so-what boy.

  —Now, says the teacher-lady.

  She says this word many times. It is certainly her favourite word.

  —Now, I'm sure you'll all make Joseph very welcome. Take out your Maths Matters.

  —Where's he from, Miss?

  It is a girl who speaks. She sits in front of Joseph, two desks far.

  —We'll talk about that later, says the teacher-lady. —But maths first.

  That is the first part of her name. Miss.

  —Miss, Seth Quinn threw me book out the window.

  —Didn't!

  —Yeh did.

  —Now!

  Joseph holds his new book very tightly. It is not a custom he had expected, throwing books out windows. Are people walking past outside warned that this is about to happen? He does not know. He has much to learn.

  —Seth Quinn, go down and get that book.

  —I didn't throw it.

  —Go on.

  —It's not fair.

  —Now.

  Joseph looks at Seth Quinn. He is not the so-what boy. He is a different boy.

  —Now. Page 37.

  No one tries to take Joseph's book. No more books go out the window.

  He opens his book at page 37.

  The teacher-lady talks at great speed. He understands the numbers she writes on the blackboard. He understands the words she writes. LONG DIVISION. But he does not understand what she says, especially when she faces the blackboard. He does not put his hand up. He watches the numbers on the blackboard. It is not so very difficult.

  A finger pushes into his back. The so-what boy. Joseph does not turn.

  —Hey. Live-Aid.

  Joseph does not turn.

  The so-what boy whispers.

  —Live-Aid. Hey, Live-Aid. Do they know it's Christmas?

  It is Monday, the 10th day of January. It is sixteen days after Christmas. This is a very stupid boy.

  But Joseph knows that this is not to do with Christmas or the correct date. He knows he must be careful.

  The finger prods his back again, harder, very hard.

  —Christian Kelly!

  —What?

  It is the so-what boy. His name is Christian Kelly.

  —Are you annoying Joseph there?

  —No.

  —Is he, Joseph?

  Joseph shakes his head. He must speak. He knows this.

  —No.

  —I'm sure he's not, she says.

  This is strange, he thinks. Her response. Is it another trick?

  —Sit up straight so I can see you, Christian Kelly.

  —He was poking Joseph's back, Miss.

  —Shut up.

  —He was.

  —Fuck off.

  —Now!

  Miss the teacher-lady stares at a place above Joseph's head. There is silence in the classroom. The hands in the air trick is certainly not necessary.

  —God give me strength, she says.

  But why? Joseph wonders. What is she about to do? There is nothing very heavy in the classroom.

  She stares again. For six seconds, exactly. Then she taps the blackboard with a piece of chalk.

  —Take it down.

  He waits. He watches the other children. They take copybooks from their schoolbags. They open the copybooks. They draw the margin. They stare at the blackboard. They write. They stare again. They write. A girl in the desk beside him takes a pair of glasses from a small black box that clicks loudly when she opens it. She puts the glasses onto her face. She looks at him. Her eyes are big. She smiles.

  —Specky fancies yeh.

  It is Christian Kelly.

  —You're dead.

  2 The Finger

  This is the dangerous boy who sits behind Joseph. This boy has just told Joseph that he is dead. Joseph must understand this statement, very quickly.

  He does not turn to look at Christian Kelly.

  Miss, the teacher-lady, has wiped the figures from the blackboard. She writes new figures. Joseph sees: these are problems to be solved. There are ten problems. They are not difficult.

  What did Christian Kelly mean? You are dead. Joseph thinks about these words and this too is not difficult. It is very clear that Joseph is not dead. So, Christian Kelly's words must refer to the future. You will be dead. All boys must grow and eventually die – Joseph knows this; he has seen dead men and boys. Christian Kelly's words are clearly intended as a threat, or promise. I will kill you. But Christian Kelly will not murder Joseph just because the girl with the magnified eyes smiled at him. I will hurt you. This is what Christian Kelly means.

  Joseph has not yet seen this Christian Kelly.

  It is very strange. Joseph must protect himself from a boy he has not seen. Perhaps not so very strange. He did not see the men who killed his father.

  The girl with the magnified eyes smiles again at Joseph. This time Christian Kelly does not speak. Joseph looks again at his copybook.

  He completes the seventh problem. 751 divided by 15. He knows the answer many seconds before he writes it down. He already knows the answer to the ninth problem – 761 divided by 15 – but he starts to solve the eighth one first. He is quite satisfied with his progress. It is many months since Joseph sat in a classroom. It is warm here. January is certainly a cold month in this country.

  Christian Kelly is going to hurt him. He has promised this. Joseph must be prepared.

  —Finished?

  It is the teacher-lady. The question is for everybody.

  Joseph looks. Many of the boys and girls still lean over their copybooks. Their faces almost touch the paper.

  —Hurry up now. We haven't all day.

  —Hey.


  The voice comes from behind Joseph. It is not loud.

  Joseph turns. He does this quickly. He sees this Christian Kelly.

  —What's number four?

  Quickly, Joseph decides.

  —Seventeen, he whispers.

  He turns back, to face the blackboard and the teacher-lady.

  —You're still dead. What's number five?

  —Seventeen.

  —How can—

  —Also seventeen.

  —No talk.

  Joseph looks at the blackboard.

  —It better be.

  —Christian Kelly.

  It is the teacher-lady.

  —What did I say? she asks.

  —Don't know, says Christian Kelly.

  —No talk.

  —I wasn't—

  —Just finish your sums. Finished, Joseph?

  Joseph nods.

  —Good lad. Now. One more minute.

  Joseph counts the boys and girls. There are twenty-three children in the room. This sum includes Joseph. There are five desks without occupants.

  —That's plenty of time. Now. Pencils down. Down.

  One boy sits very near the door. Unlike Joseph, he wears the school sweater. Like Joseph, he is black. A girl sits behind Joseph, beside a big map of this country. She, also, is black. She sits beside the map. And is she Irish?

  —Now. Who's first?

  Miss, the teacher-lady, smiles.

  Children lift their hands.

  —Miss, Miss. Miss, Miss.

  Joseph does not lift his hand.

  —We'll get to the shy ones later, says the teacher-lady. —Hazel O'Hara.

  Hands go down. Some children groan.

  The girl with the magnified eyes removes her glasses. She puts them into the box. It clicks. She stands up.

  —Good girl.

  She walks to the front of the room.

  What do Irish children look like? Like this Hazel O'Hara? Joseph is not sure. Hazel's hair is almost white. Her skin is very pink right now; she is very satisfied. She is standing beside the teacher-lady and she is holding a piece of white chalk.

  —Now, Hazel. Are you going to show us all how to do number one?

  Hazel O'Hara nods.

  —Off you go.

  Christian Kelly does not resemble Hazel O'Hara.

  —Hey.

  Joseph watches Hazel O'Hara's progress.

  —Hey.

  Hazel O'Hara's demonstration is both swift and accurate.

  Joseph turns to look at Christian Kelly.

  —Yes? he whispers.

  —D'you want that?

  Christian Kelly is holding up a finger, very close to Joseph's face. There is something on the finger's tip. Joseph hears another voice.

  —Kelly's got snot on his finger.

  Joseph turns, to face the blackboard. He feels the finger on his shoulder. He hears laughter – he feels the finger press his shoulder.

  He grabs.

  He pulls.

  —What's going on there?

  Christian Kelly is on the floor, beside Joseph. Joseph holds the finger. Christian Kelly makes much noise.

  The teacher-lady now holds Joseph's wrist.

  —Let go. Now. Hands in the air! Everybody!

  Joseph releases Christian Kelly's finger. He looks at Hazel O'Hara's answer on the blackboard. It is correct.

  3 You're Definitely Dead

  Joseph looks at the blackboard. Miss still holds his wrist. There is much noise in the room.

  He sees boys and girls stand out of their seats. Other children lean across their neighbours' desks. They all want to see Christian Kelly.

  Christian Kelly remains on the floor. He also makes much noise.

  —Me finger! He broke me finger!

  —Sit down!

  It is Miss.

  —Hands in the air!

  She no longer holds Joseph's wrist. Joseph watches children sit down. He sees hands in the air. He looks at his hands. He raises them.

  —Joseph?

  He looks at Miss. She kneels beside Christian Kelly. She holds the finger. She presses the knuckle. Christian Kelly screams.

  —There's nothing broken, Christian, she says. —You'll be grand.

  —It's sore!

  —I'm sure it is, she says.

  She stands. She almost falls back as she does this. She puts one hand behind her. She holds her skirt with the other hand.

  Joseph hears a voice behind him. It is a whisper. Perhaps it is Seth Quinn.

  —I seen her knickers.

  She is now standing. So is Christian Kelly.

  —What colour?

  Miss shouts.

  —Now!

  Christian Kelly rubs his nose with his sleeve. He looks at Joseph. Joseph looks at him. There is silence in the classroom.

  —That's better, says Miss. —Now. Hands down. Good. Joseph.

  Joseph hears the whisper-voice.

  —Yellow.

  Joseph looks up at Miss. She is looking at someone behind him. She says those words again.