The Brentford Chainstore Massacre

  ‘No problem,’ said Jim. ‘Only might I just ask one favour?’

  ‘You might ask it, yes.’

  Well, you see, mistakes can happen. No one wants them to, but sometimes they just do. Sometimes, by mistake, a policeman will have in his pocket some piece of incriminating evidence. A cache of illegal drugs, say, or even a weapon of some kind. And whilst searching the premises of an innocent party, who has been mistakenly earmarked as a suspect, this piece of incriminating evidence might fall out of the policeman’s pocket and land, say, under a mattress, or behind a water pipe, and the policeman, in all innocence, picks it up and exclaims, “Well, well, well, so what do we have here?” and the next thing you know, the innocent party is being charged with––’

  WHACK! went that sound again.

  But this time it was not the front door slamming.

  WHACK! went the celery. WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

  ‘Would you like some chocolate powder sprinkled over it?’ asked Mrs Bryant.

  ‘Yes please,’ said John.

  Mrs Bryant brought over John’s cappuccino and sat down beside him at the reproduction olde worlde kitchen table.

  WHACK! went the celery one more time into the bowl of salt.

  ‘It’s always a pleasure to see you, John,’ said Mrs Bryant. ‘Are you enjoying your salad?’

  ‘Very much indeed, thank you.’

  ‘Need any more ice cubes in your Perrier water?’

  ‘No thanks, it’s perfect. Very kind of you to make me a meal.’

  ‘You need a woman in your life. To look after you, John.’

  ‘What a man needs and what a man wants, rarely coincide,’ said the Irish philosopher.

  ‘Does that explain the bulge in your trousers?’

  ‘Oh, this.’ Omally fished out Pooley’s book. ‘Nothing of consequence, only a history book.’

  ‘Just hand over the book,’ said the policeman with the face, hauling Pooley to his feet and hitting him again. ‘We can break the place up if you want and we can break you up too. Why not spare yourself the pain? Where is it?’

  ‘I don’t have it.’ Pooley flinched as another fist went in. ‘I don’t, honest I don’t.’

  ‘We found this, sarge,’ said the second policeman.

  ‘It’s not mine,’ wailed Jim, ‘whatever it is.’

  ‘It’s got your name and address on it,’ said the face. ‘It looks to be the packaging of a book.’

  ‘I haven’t got it, honestly I haven’t.’

  ‘You had it earlier when you turned up at the office of the late Mr Compton-Cummings.’

  ‘How do you know that?

  ‘Never mind how. Are you going to tell us where it is, or do we have to-’

  ‘Where’s your teapot?’ asked the third policeman.

  ‘Aaaaaaagh!’ went Pooley.

  ‘Mmmm,’ went Omally, releasing the lower buttons of his waistcoat. ‘That was a splendid repast.’

  Mrs Bryant was leafing through the pages of Pooley’s book. ‘What is auto-pederasty?’ she asked.

  ‘You really wouldn’t want to know.’

  ‘I really would.’

  John whispered.

  ‘That’s not possible, is it?’

  ‘I understand that it has its own special page on the Internet. Although I don’t exactly understand what an Internet is.’

  ‘I think it’s a type of stocking worn by female employees on British Railways.’

  ‘Well, you live and learn,’ said John. ‘So, what shall we do next?’

  Mrs Bryant thought for a moment. ‘Why don’t we have sex?’ she suggested.

  Why don’t we all just relax?’ said the face. ‘Mr Pooley is going to tell us exactly what we want to know, aren’t you, Mr Pooley?’

  ‘I don’t have a teapot,’ moaned Jim from the kitchen floor.

  ‘This looks like one,’ said the third policeman, holding up a chipped enamel job that had served the Pooley dynasty for several generations.

  ‘I think that’s a watering can.’ Jim gagged for breath as a boot went in.

  ‘A pathological fear of teapots by the sound of it,’ said the second policeman. ‘Inspired by what, I wonder?’

  ‘A pathological fear of death,’ mumbled Pooley. ‘Please don’t kick me again.’

  ‘The book,’ said the face.

  ‘I threw it away.’

  ‘Not good enough.’

  ‘I gave it away, then.’

  ‘To who?’

  ‘It’s to whom, sarge.’

  ‘It’s too late for that, lad.’

  ‘Sorry, sarge?’

  ‘If there was going to be a running gag about grammar, it should have been introduced right at the beginning of the scene.’

  ‘Oh, yeah, you’re right, sarge, sorry.’

  ‘That’s all right, lad. Now, where was I?’

  ‘I think you were going to kick Mr Pooley again.’

  ‘Ah yes.’

  ‘Oh no,’ wailed Jim. ‘I did give it away, honest.’

  ‘To whom?’

  ‘To––’ Jim shook his trembling head. ‘I don’t remember. A bloke in the pub.’

  ‘Not good enough.’ And the boot went in again.

  John Omally went in, stayed there for quite a while, and finally came out.

  Mrs Bryant looked up from the bed. ‘You’ve been a very long time washing your hands,’ said she. ‘I was about to start without you.’

  John made a strange croaking noise. His face was as white as an albino kipper.

  ‘Are you all right, John? You look a bit––’

  ‘Call the police,’ croaked Omally. ‘Call the police.’

  ‘Oh, it’s role playing, is it? What do you want me to be, a nurse?’

  ‘It’s not role playing and it’s not a joke. There’s something in your bathroom. Someone. All shrivelled up and dead. It’s horrible. I think it might be your husband.’

  Mrs Bryant fainted.

  ‘He’s out cold, sarge,’ said the second policeman, lifting Pooley’s head, then letting it fall back with a dreadful clunk onto the kitchen floor.

  ‘Stubborn fellow, isn’t he?’ said the face. ‘Now why do you think he would be that stubborn?’

  Policemen two and three stood and shrugged. Policeman two was still holding the teapot. ‘I suppose he won’t be wanting the cup of tea now,’ he said.

  ‘Just answer the question, lad.’

  ‘We don’t know, sarge.’

  ‘Because he’s protecting someone, isn’t he? Someone he cares about. Someone he does not want to get a similar hammering.’

  ‘Oh yeah.’ The second and the third policemen nodded. ‘So what do we have on known associates?’

  Policeman two rooted out his regulation police notebook and flicked through the pages. ‘Just the one,’ he said. ‘John Vincent Omally of number seven Mafeking Avenue.’

  ‘Well then, I suggest we all go off to the pub for a drink.’

  ‘Why, sarge?’

  ‘Because Omally is an Irish name, isn’t it? And Irishmen are all drunken louts, aren’t they? So we won’t expect Mr Omally to get home until after the pubs close, will we?’

  ‘Surely that is a somewhat racist remark, isn’t it, sarge?’

  ‘Not if it’s said by an Irishman.’

  ‘But you’re not Irish, sarge.’

  ‘No, lad. I’m a policeman.’

  Several police cars slewed to a halt before Mrs Bryant’s front door. Sirens a-screaming, blue lights a-flash. In the kitchen Mrs Bryant pushed Omally towards the door.

  ‘Just go,’ she told him. ‘Leave all this to me.’

  ‘I can’t leave you like this.’

  ‘You must, John.’

  ‘Then call me. No, I’ll call you, I’m not on the phone. Look, I’m so sorry about this. I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘Don’t say anything, just go.’

  Mrs Bryant kissed him and John Omally went.

  He managed to leap onto a 65 bus at the traffic lights
and dropped down onto one of the big back seats. He closed his eyes for a moment but a terrible image filled his inner vision. A twisted, shrivelled thing that had once been a man, slouched over the bathroom toilet. John caught his breath and opened his eyes.

  ‘Ah,’ said the bus conductor. ‘I remember you, you got off this morning without paying.’

  John paid up a double fare. It was home for him and bed. This day had been a wrong ‘un from the beginning. He should have been a wise man like Jim Pooley, who was probably now sleeping the sleep of the innocent.

  ‘This day is done,’ said John Omally.

  But it wasn’t.

  Oh no, no, it wasn’t.

  8

  John stepped down from the 65, crossed over the Ealing Road and stood on the corner outside Norman’s paper shop. It was nearly eleven o’clock. Last orders time. He could make it to the Swan for a swift one.

  ‘No,’ said John. ‘I’m going home to the safety of my bed.’

  He turned up his tweedy collar, thrust his hands into the pockets of his similarly tweedy trousers, and trudged off down Albany Road and into Mafeking Avenue.

  And he was just putting his key into the lock when he heard it. A click, a thud and a cry of pain.

  Omally spun round.

  A groan.

  Omally glanced towards the dustbins.

  A bloody hand waved feebly.

  Omally leapt over to the dustbins and flung them aside. ‘Pooley,’ he gasped. ‘Jim, what’s happened to you?’

  ‘Get us inside. Quickly.’

  Omally struggled to raise his friend. He dragged Jim’s arm about his shoulder and hauled the rest of him with it.

  ‘Bolt the door,’ groaned Jim. ‘Stick some chairs against it.’

  ‘What’s happened to you? Who did it? I’ll paste them.’

  ‘Policemen, John.’

  Omally helped Jim into the kitchen. It bore an uncanny resemblance to Pooley’s – the same un-emptied pedal bin and everything.

  ‘Sit down,’ said John. ‘Carefully now.’

  ‘Just bar the front door.’

  ‘Leave it to me.’ Omally left the kitchen, dragged a heavy armchair from the front room and rammed it up against the door before returning to his wounded friend. He ran cold water onto a dishcloth and bathed Jim’s head with it. ‘Why did they beat you up? What did you do?’

  ‘I didn’t do anything. They wanted the book.’

  Omally stared at Jim. He knew his closest friend would never turn him in to the police. What makes you think they’re coming here?’ he asked.

  ‘They had your name in a notebook as my known associate. I pretended I was unconscious. I heard them say they were going for a drink and they’d come back here after closing time.’

  Omally dabbed at Pooley with the dishcloth, and Jim responded with winces and groans.

  ‘You took a terrible pounding,’ said Omally. ‘You’ve two black eyes now. Any bones broken, do you think?’

  ‘Most if not all.’

  ‘Big lads, were they?’

  ‘Very big.’

  ‘Then we’ll have to get out. This isn’t a fortress.’

  ‘Where will we go? Oh, ouch.’

  ‘Sorry. I don’t know, somewhere safe. Somewhere the police won’t come looking.’

  John looked at Jim.

  Jim looked at John.

  ‘Professor Slocombe’s,’ they said.

  That both John and Jim should have named one man with less than a moment’s thought might appear strange to anyone who lives beyond the sacred boundaries of the Brentford Triangle. But for those who dwell within this world-famous geomantic configuration (formed by the Great West Road, the Grand Union Canal and the River Thames), there could be no other choice.

  John and Jim had known the Professor for more years than they had known each other. He was Brentford’s patriarch. Exotic, enigmatic, yet part of the vital stuff from which the borough was composed. Once, long ago, he––

  KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, came a dreadful knocking at Omally’s door.

  ‘Aaaagh! They’re here!’ Jim lurched to his feet and began to flap his hands wildly and spin round in small circles, for such was his habit during moments of extreme mental anguish.

  ‘Stop that,’ commanded John, halting Pooley’s gyrations by means of a headlock. ‘It’s the back way out for us.’

  ‘I can’t go on, John. I’m not up to it.’

  ‘Get a grip, man.’

  ‘Get a grip? Look at the state of me.’

  KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, came that knocking again. ‘Run, John. Leave me here.’

  ‘We go together. You won’t need to run.’

  ‘I won’t?’

  Omally pushed Jim out through the kitchen door and into the tiny ill-tended yard at the back. The moonlight offered it no favours. Against the kitchen wall, shrouded beneath a tarpaulin Omally had borrowed from Old Pete, stood something.

  ‘Behold the engine of our deliverance,’ stage-whispered John, flinging the tarpaulin aside to reveal––

  ‘Not Marchant!’ groaned Jim.

  But Marchant it was. And Marchant was a bike.

  Those who have read the now legendary Flann O’Brien will know all about bicycles. Flann’s theory was that in Ireland, during the days in which he wrote, most men owned a bicycle. And the constant jiggling and joggling on bumpy roads over an extended period of years made certain atoms of bicycle and certain atoms of man intermix, so that the man eventually became part bike and the bike part man. He cited an extreme case of a policeman who was so much bike that he had to lean against something when he stopped walking, to avoid toppling over.

  In Omally’s case this did not apply, but a rapport existed between himself and his bicycle which had about it an almost spiritual quality.

  Almost.

  ‘Onto the handlebars, Jim,’ said John. ‘We take flight.’

  ‘It never flies now, does it?’

  ‘A figure of speech.’

  John helped Jim onto the handlebars, seated himself upon the sprung saddle, placed one foot on a pedal and they all fell sideways.

  ‘Oh no you don’t.’ John put his foot down to halt the descent. ‘Now come on, Marchant, this is an emergency. My good friend Jim is injured and so will I be if you don’t assist us.’

  ‘If the police don’t kill me, this bike of yours will,’ moaned Jim.

  ‘If you behave yourself you can spend tomorrow afternoon in the bike shed behind the girl’s secondary school.’

  ‘How dare you!’

  ‘I was talking to my bike.’

  KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, came sounds of further knocking, followed by a most distinctive CRASH.

  ‘Hi-o, Marchant!’

  Out of the backyard and along the narrow alley they flew, Omally forcing down on the pedals and Jim clinging to the handlebars. It was a white-knuckle, grazed-knuckle ride. Happily it wasn’t dustbin day.

  Omally swung a hard right at the top. The only way to go was down the short cobbled path and back into Mafeking Avenue.

  ‘Hold on tight,’ said John as they shot over the pavement and into the road.

  ‘There, sarge,’ came a shout. ‘On a bike, and that Pooley bloke’s with him.’

  ‘We’re doomed!’ cried Jim.

  ‘Oh no we’re not.’

  There came sounds of running police feet, car doors opening and slamming shut and an engine beginning to rev. But they were not heard by John and Jim, for they were well away down Moby Dick Terrace and heading for the Memorial Park. As they swept past, the ever-alert Omally made a mental note to add the John Omally Millennial Bowling Green to his list.

  ‘Have we lost them, John?’ cried Jim.

  John skidded to a halt, which is not altogether a good thing to do when you have someone riding on the handlebars.

  ‘Oooooooooh!’ went Jim as he sailed forward through the air. ‘Aaaagh!’ he continued, as he struck the road.

  ‘Sorry,’ said John, wheeling alongside the tragic figure. ??
?But I think we’ve lost them, yes.’

  SCREECH, came the sound of screeching tyres.

  ‘Or perhaps not. Quick, Jim, up and away.’

  ‘I’m dying,’ Jim complained.

  ‘Come on, hurry.’

  ‘Oh, my giddy aunt.’ Jim dragged himself to his feet and perched once more on the handlebars. Omally put his best foot forward and away they went again.

  Inside the police car, three policemen laughed with glee. They do that sometimes. Usually when they’re about to perform something really sadistic on a suspect in an interrogation. And while they’re doing it. And afterwards, if it comes to that. In the pub. Of course, American policemen do it better. Especially those in the southern states, good ol’ boys with names like Joe-Bob. Really manic laughers, those lads.

  ‘Stop that manic laughing, Constable Joe-Bob,’ said the face. ‘And run those two louts off the road.’

  ‘I certainly will, sarge,’ and Constable Joe-Bob put his foot down.

  ‘Faster,’ cried Pooley. ‘They’re gaining.’

  ‘Of course they’re gaining, they’re in a car.’

  ‘Then get off the road.’

  ‘Be quiet, Jim. I’m trying to think.’

  ‘At a time like this?’

  ‘I’m trying to think of an escape route, you buffoon.’

  ‘Sorry.’

  John took a sudden left that nearly dislodged Pooley and headed down towards the canal. To the sounds of further tyre-screeching, the police car did likewise.

  ‘This is a dead end,’ wailed Jim. We’re doomed.’

  ‘Hold on tight, Jim.’ Omally tugged on the brakes and Marchant slewed to a standstill.

  ‘What now, John?’

  ‘Put your hands up, Jim.’

  ‘What?’

  The headlights hit them and the police car swept forward.

  ‘Put your hands up, Jim.’

  ‘Are you turning me in?’

  ‘Just do it.’

  Onward came the police car, gaining speed.

  Jim stuck up his hands. ‘They’re not going to stop.’

  ‘I hope not.’

  ‘What?’

  Roar of engine, onward-rushing car.

  Cut to Pooley’s frightened battered face.

  Cut to manic policeman behind wheel.

  Cut to long shot of car rushing forward.