Days of Winter

  * * * * *

  It was funny, that, eighteen years later, she thought about John again for no reason. Her life was nothing like what it had been when she was twenty-one. She had moved to another state, and was working a different job. But, she hadn’t married. She had gone through a long succession of different boyfriends, but was currently unmarried, and feeling less inclined to marry as the years went by, mostly because she had given up on ever finding the right guy.

  However, Kassandra liked to go out with her friends, and still gave the guys a chance. It was just that she was so busy most of the time, and most of the men her age were married. It was very interesting to meet the unmarried ones, however, and getting to know the guys she had dated had been enjoyable most of the time. Kassandra had learned how to paint, how to sing, how to dance better than before, and she had made a whole bunch of mistakes as well, which didn’t matter in the end, because she was still in good health and good spirits.

  She knew she needed to scream, suddenly, and so looked around to see if anyone would see or hear her. So she quietly screamed, into the cold winter air. Her breath made a puff into the cold air, and she felt satisfied.

  “I am glad for the breath of life,” she thought, feeling amazed all of a sudden. And she remembered when she and John had made snow angels, when they were only eighteen. She hadn’t thought about him in almost twenty years. She wondered how life had treated him. It was a painful recollection, despite the feeling that she wanted him to be happy, wherever he was, assuming he was—but she had to stop thinking now and just walk. She was outside the apartment on the porch, but now decided to go on a short walk around the building.

  It was a good day to realize that she was lucky, even though most people wouldn’t have thought so—she had a positive attitude, and all she needed to take care of herself, even though she didn’t own a house.

  She decided to get dressed to go out and called a girl friend Jean to see if she wanted to go out for dinner, along with Jean’s boyfriend Kyle. So they all met up that night, and though Kassandra didn’t meet any new guys at the restaurant and at the bar afterwards, she felt content.

  Kassandra felt upset when she got home, though, as a sudden thought made her wish she had achieved more in her life—thought what she hadn’t done wasn’t always from lack of trying, and at least she had a clear conscience—she was fond of reminding herself that “a clear conscience is a coat of mail” which made her content with what was going on in her life.

  Kassandra put her coat on the wall hook and got ready for bed.

  The next morning, Saturday early, she decided to look John up on the internet, but she didn’t find him, and was more than a bit disappointed. Then she realized that it didn’t matter. She buried him forever with that, and picked up a book, crawled into bed, and read for a few hours.