Restless Waters

  “Well, no,” I agree.

  He’s right. While I’ve felt drawn to Sabin, I’ve never been turned on by him. I’ve never fantasized about him or wondered what it’d be like to—just no. I can’t get myself to go there.

  “But you have strong feelings for him, right?”

  I nod.

  “And that’s what’s making you confused. You feel like you should only have intensity with me and no one else, that you’re betraying me.”

  “Yes.”

  “You’re not betraying me, not at all.”

  “I don’t understand how you can say that.”

  His expression is so soft, so sweet. “It might be easier for me to understand your relationship because I’m watching from the outside. I get a clarity that maybe you guys don’t. So, I need to talk to both of you about this, and maybe I can help. But, for right now, it’s after four in the morning. You need to get some sleep, and I need to get Sabin into the house and see how bad his burn is.” He pauses. “I don’t want you to see that, and he probably doesn’t either.”

  It’s true that I am utterly exhausted in every sense, and I can’t take much more right now. “Okay.”

  “After I take care of Sabin, I’ll come to bed, and I will hold you all night long. I am so fucking sorry all of this happened. I didn’t quite see that Sabin was in such bad shape. Or I didn’t want to. I knew he would blow, but I never dreamed it would be this rough on him or on you.”

  “You and Sabin need to talk about the past, Chris. With each other. There’s a wall up between all of you, as though you were each in your own bubble. But you and Sabe especially need that wall down. There can’t be secrets. And I understand why you don’t talk about your father with him. It’s because his pain hurts more than your own, and delving into it kills you. I get that. It’s how I feel about you. But it’s the only way.”

  I move to the edge of my seat. My lips go to his, and I kiss him with gratitude and devotion and hope.

  What surfaces, what I needed reminding of, is that he is what true love tastes like.

  The morning only brings me more emotion. I am edgy and bolted awake by the pressuring need to know that all of us are still intact. I’m alone in bed, but I do remember Chris staying with me all night. His familiar hold, his smell, his breath as I slept has given me enough comfort to face whatever is next.

  I stumble to the bathroom and douse my face with cold water. I look like all hell. I slept for seven hours, but that did little to prevent my eyes from getting red and puffy. I throw on a tank top and loose pants, and then I head downstairs to the kitchen.

  Chris and Sabin are talking in the living room, but I avoid looking their way, and I take my time with brewing an espresso and frothing milk. I stand by the sink and drink half of it before I’m able to walk across the room and sit in an armchair.

  Chris doesn’t appear to have gotten any sleep. His eyes are dark and heavy, yet he exudes the same steadiness he had last night. He’s on the couch next to Sabin, who has his head in his hands, as he listens to his brother.

  “Sabin, I didn’t mean to do this to you. The only thing that I could control at all back then was what I did to keep you guys as safe as I could.” Chris pauses. “As much as I fucking hate talking about this, I’ve had a lot of therapy. It’s all rough, and every minute in the office hurts, but it helps. It really does. It’s taught me to see my life and to find the words to talk about it.”

  It’s evident how difficult this is for him, but Chris is able to shake himself into doing what he needs to.

  “The truth is, I haven’t wanted to focus on you. That’s another level of my own pain that fucks me up worse to think about. But I get what you’re going through. It makes sense.” Chris tenses for a second but pulls himself back in. “Now, I understand how the way I stepped in might have backfired because you feel like you didn’t get to do what I did.”

  “I wanted to save you like you saved me,” Sabin says through tears.

  “Well, fuck. I didn’t save you. I couldn’t stop everything that happened, so don’t fool yourself into thinking I did. And what you need to know is that you did help me. Tremendously. You did something I never could have, which was getting Eric and Estelle away from whatever the fuck our father was doing to me. You hid them. Think about all those times you hid them. No one else could have distracted them the way you did. You sang to them, you told stories, you played games, and you got them to laugh. Do you have any idea how important that was?

  “So, you don’t have anything to feel guilty about. I don’t want that for you. But I also get that you’re angry with me because there were a lot of times that I didn’t let you get in his path. I can’t apologize for that because I’d do it again. I wouldn’t go back and let you suffer in that way.”

  Chris puts a hand on Sabin’s back and leans on his shoulder. “There was no right way for us to handle that shitstorm we grew up in. We were going to come out damaged in one way or another, no matter what, and we were all in an impossible situation. We were just kids. We did the best we could. But I will always feel like I didn’t do enough, that I should have been braver. And I’m sure you’ll feel the same way, too.”

  Sabin continues crying, and Chris sits silently with him and lets the tears flow. I’ve never seen Sabin cry this way or for this long, and it’s extraordinarily painful. It’s necessary though, and I hope letting go like this will help him.

  Chris wraps his other arm around his brother and tightly hugs him. “You were wonderful, and you still are wonderful. And I’m sorry if I made everything more fucked up for you than it already was. I’m far from perfect, but I love you, and I don’t want you bottling all this up and torturing yourself. We’ve had enough of that.

  “Last night, Blythe said to me that we have to talk about these things. She’s right. This is probably the first time you and I have really been open about all this shit—how awful our childhood was and what it’s doing to us now. I know it’s hard, and it all sucks, but it’s the only way we’re going to get better.”

  Speaking fears and shame will do miraculous things. I’m proof of that.

  Sabin nods into his hands and finally looks to Chris. “I’m not angry with you. I’m really not. How could I be? It’s just that I let everything get all twisted up and distorted. It’s true, what you said. I wanted to do more. I feel like I should have. But that’s not your fault, Chris. It’s not. Please know that. He’s not here anymore for me to be angry at, so…I’ve been throwing my rage at you. It was wrong.

  “I just wanted to erase everything that had happened, so you wouldn’t have to be so fucking heroic, so you wouldn’t have had to do what you did for me and the twins. Because you were heroic. You were wonderful. Thank you. Thank you, Chris. I’ve never told you that. I am…” His voice breaks. “I am so grateful. And I love you.”

  Now, he looks at me, his eyes so full of sadness and fear. “Blythe.”

  “It’s all okay,” I say immediately. “We’re going to be okay.”

  “Did you…” he starts.

  “Yes,” I say softly. “I told Chris everything. I had to.”

  “Oh God.” He rubs his eyes and stands up. “I need coffee.”

  When he walks past me to the kitchen, I notice that he touches a hand to where he burned himself, and I questioningly look at Chris.

  “It’s not that bad,” he says softly. “It’ll heal.”

  Sabin returns and now sits on the far end of the couch, away from Chris. “I don’t even know what to say. You’ve got to be pissed about Blythe. I don’t know why this is fucking happening.”

  Chris smiles. “I’m not pissed. I talked to Blythe a little bit last night, and I told her that I think I understand this better than you guys do. Look, Sabin, I don’t think you’re in love with her. I really don’t. I’ll ask you the same thing I asked her. Are you attracted to her? Do you think about getting her in bed? Are you getting hard left and right when you’re—”

  “God, Chris!
Shut up! No! That’s creepy. She’s Blythe! She’s my friend—” Sabin catches himself. “Oh. Huh. Well, that’s interesting.”

  Monumental relief takes over, and I laugh when Sabin finally looks my way.

  “I’ll refrain from being insulted,” I say with a smile.

  He looks sheepish, but he smiles, too.

  “See?” Chris says. “That’s one reason to think that you’re not in love. At least, you’re not romantically in love with each other. What I do think though is that you guys kind of are in love as friends. And that is a beautiful thing. The kind of love you two have for each other is very strong and very rare. But it’s beautiful, right? It’s only because your feelings are so strong that you think it must be more, that it must be turning into a romance.

  “Sabin, you give Blythe so many things that she needs. I am not her entire life, nor should I be. She needs you. You’re fun and free and wild in ways I will never be. It’s not who I am. But I also should have let you know ages ago that you don’t always have to be the upbeat, endlessly entertaining guy. You get to have bad days, to be unhappy, or to feel whatever you want to.” Chris sighs. “I don’t think I’ve ever let you feel that’s allowed. I want so much for you to be happy that maybe I’ve been blinding myself to the fact that you’re not sometimes. And that, sometimes, it’s really bad.”

  He looks so forlorn and apologetic, but then he rubs his hands on his jeans and tries to brighten. “But back to the good news. You and Blythe? You give her an amazing relationship, and I want that for her. Do you hear me, Sabe? You get to love her. That doesn’t upset me at all.”

  “Okay.” He doesn’t sound convinced.

  Chris laughs. “Sabin, I’m serious.” He waits until Sabin begrudgingly faces him. “I’ll say it again. I am not upset. Do you see that? Do you believe me? I love the friendship you two have. It’s tremendously unique and special. I’m not threatened by it. I’m not jealous. I don’t see anything between you guys that scares me or makes me worry that I’m losing Blythe. I’m on board. Understand?”

  He looks to me. “And, Blythe? Remember what I told you the other week? You get to have us both.”

  I release a deep breath. “I get to have you both,” I repeat this sentence because it’s the happiest thing I’ve been able to say in days.

  This realization brings me such peace. Chris has broken this down in a way that gives me a distinct reprieve from my anxiety, and he’s also made it okay for me feel the joy of what I have with Sabin. Chris is right. Sabin and I are in love. I can see that now. It’s not in the way one usually thinks of being in love. And I’m also aware that there is a degree of understanding and generosity in Chris’s ability to allow and even celebrate this. How his heart can be so open after what he has survived astounds me.

  Chris winks at me. “So, go hug your other boyfriend.”

  Sabin reaches over and playfully shoves Chris, but his face shows the same lightness I’m sure mine does now. I get up and walk to Sabin, accepting the tears streaming down my face. I throw my arms around his neck and tightly hold him as my tension and worry continue to drain from me.

  I get them both. I get them both.

  Sabin’s hug brings me such faith that we will all be stronger because of this trip. His touch feels right. His energy and love feel right. In this hug, I have pure and uncomplicated happiness. And that’s what my friendship with him is. We got way off track for a while, but because of Chris, we are repaired, and we can embrace our closeness.

  Sabin kisses the top of my head. “I feel like I keep saying this, but I’m sorry—for everything I put you through, for confusing you, and for dragging you down with me last night. I did some awful shit. I said some awful shit—”

  “Stop, Sabin. Stop. I think we had to go through that. There was a reason.”

  “What I did with the fire…that was vicious. It’s unforgivable.”

  “It is forgivable. And I forgive you. That’s what friends do for each other. We make exceptions for crazy circumstances. It’s very simple.”

  Sabin squeezes me, and I turn my head to catch Chris’s eye. He is truly happy right now, and that means an infinite amount.

  Slowly, I separate myself from Sabin. “Your arm?” I ask tentatively. “It’s okay?”

  “You shouldn’t have had to see that. But I’m okay,” he says confidently. “I’m okay. Before you bring it up, yes, I’ll go see a shrink.” He rolls his eyes. “God, it’s so cliché.”

  “It’s a cliché that’s going to help. I will be here, and Chris will be here…for whatever you need.”

  “Okay, Lady Countess Royal Highness Blythe McGuire.”

  “Good.” I tousle his hair.

  We drop down to the couch, and I’m sitting between them.

  “So,” Chris starts, “there’s one more thing. I wasn’t sure if I should tell you two this, but…Sabin, you seem to get a little touchy about the fact that Blythe and I have a history—from before Matthews. The idea of a…destined tie between us or whatever.” He looks embarrassed, voicing this out loud to his brother, which I do understand. “It’s important to me that Blythe and I are together because we choose to be, not because we have to. We are about more than that history. We are about the present. But that day, when she was on the dock…” He begins to stumble a bit. “That day is a part of us. Do you think that you’re not entitled to feel so strongly about her because you don’t have that with her?”

  Sabin looks uncomfortable. “You guys have an…an almost unexplainable connection. I know that. It’s…fine. Really. It’s your thing together. I shouldn’t have said anything because I’m not a part of that. And I shouldn’t be.”

  “The fact is though, you are a part of that.” Chris takes my phone from the table. “You have that past with her, too. The three of us have that together.”

  He pulls up the video I played nonstop last night, and I am totally confused.

  “Watch. Sabin, watch this closely.” Chris puts my phone in Sabin’s hand.

  “Chris, what are you doing?” I don’t want to relive this pain again. “Please don’t.”

  “Just wait.” He takes my hand. “Just wait.”

  So, I do. I wait while the same pictures and video and sound play out, but I shut my eyes because I refuse to look again.

  Until Sabin has a reaction I cannot ignore.

  “Oh my God,” he says with a catch in his throat. “Oh my God, this can’t be right. Chris?”

  So, I look to my left to see what he’s watching. He stops the video, rewinds, and hits the Play button again so that photos of me as a toddler at school flash by.

  “Keep going,” Chris says with encouragement.

  We all watch my former life play out.

  Then, Chris says, “Right here. Listen. Listen closely.”

  I’ve heard it so many times now, and I can’t bear to listen to my parents comfort me while I go on about Bingo and kisses.

  “Do you hear it?” Chris puts his other hand on top of mine. “Do you hear it?”

  I shake my head and look at Sabin. His face is one of such disbelief and confusion that I have to turn back to Chris. But I can’t speak now because something is gripping my heart. Something has started to creep in and take hold.

  It’s Sabin who speaks first. “There are pictures here. Of me and Chris. With you, B.”

  “Yes,” Chris whispers. “At daycare. We all…we were at school together. And based on those pictures, we were all friends back then. They were important enough for your parents to save, Blythe. They meant something.”

  Sabin rewinds the video so that he and I can study the pictures. Now, I see it. Maybe, had I focused more on them, on their eyes, I would have seen it. But there are pictures of me between a very young Chris and Sabin. My hand goes over my mouth, and I gasp as I try to contain myself.

  “Now, go to the video,” Chris says. “Listen. Blythe…” He almost laughs with disbelief. “Blythe, you’re not saying, ‘Bingo.’ And you’re not saying, ‘My kis
s,’ like your parents thought.

  “We…because of how crazy our dad was, we moved around so much. We were in Massachusetts at some point. This made me remember that. I don’t think it was for long, and we probably left right before this video was taken. So, listen to what you’re saying. You’re missing us.”

  He lets it sink in.

  And when it hits, when the reality hits, I nearly break. But in the most beautiful way.

  “I’m saying…” I struggle to get it out. “I’m saying, ‘Where Sabin go?’”

  “Yes,” Chris says.

  “And I’m saying, ‘My Chris.’”

  “Yes, you are.”

  Sabin’s reaction is audible. His breath is sharp as he inhales understanding and memory. “You used to tuck me in. I remember bits and pieces. You used to sit next to me by my nap mat and rub my back. Chris?” He is alert with shock. “Chris, do you remember that? She used to rub my back. To watch over me.”

  He rewinds the video, and I can see how his mind is racing to catch up with the memories.

  “Blythe? Blythe? I remember you. I can feel you. How you…how you…you mothered me. You hovered and made sure I could fall asleep. I can’t see your face—it’s like I can only see you in a shadow—but I remember the feeling.”

  “We must have moved. Again. And this video is Blythe asking for us,” Chris says quietly. “Do you see how much she loved you back then?”

  Sabin and I are both too wrought up with feelings to talk much, but he nods emphatically.

  “Blythe and me,” he gets out. “We were best friends even back then, weren’t we?”

  “You were. Still, every day, you get to choose to have that friendship. You’re not friends because of this, but it’s good proof that you belong together. That we all belong together. Somehow, we circled back to each other.”

  “Where Sabin go?”

  “My Chris.”

  My heart is overwhelmed.

  I take Sabin’s hand with my left and squeeze Chris’s with my right. “Of course we circled back to each other. This is where we all belong.”