A Work in Progress

  Question: Why does life have to feel like such a struggle at times?

  Answer: Because without the struggle, the triumphs wouldn’t taste as sweet. That’s why it’s important to praise the up parts of life—hold them close and keep them in mind, especially when going through the downs. In my experience, you can’t hide from the low periods and merely hope they go away. Instead, you must look them dead in the eye, say, “I’ve learned from you, but I need to go up now,” and begin climbing that hill back to the top. Understanding the rhythm of highs and lows—that one will follow the other and alternate back and forth—can overcome a lot of angst. It’s like knowing that after every storm, the sun will shine again. People don’t question that truth of Mother Nature, even the ones who live in Seattle. In the same way, we should trust our own nature. Many people first encounter struggle when they are teenagers. The trials and tribulations that coincide with adolescence form the kinds of lessons that teachers don’t provide. No one writes on the classroom chalkboard, “Life is going to be hard. Get used to it.” In fact, the truest lesson of them all is that our experience of suffering—and, perhaps, our first taste of the blues or depression—begins in high school. Be it heartbreak, bullying, anxiety, stress, or general sadness, we will all graduate from school with a diploma in tough emotions. It is our training ground for that grueling part of life they call adulthood. It’s a necessary evil we must go through, and it sucks. It really does.

  I experienced real heart-heavy sadness when my inner voice started telling me I’m gay. My attempt to deal with it alone was, in hindsight, not smart, and yet the pain, confusion, and years of absolute hell contained valuable lessons. The very struggle that turned me inside out was also my educator. Here’s a quote from Israelmore Ayivor that makes this point for me:

  Whenever you feel a little stricken down in pain, think about this: the knife has to be sharpened by striking and rubbing it against something strong before it can become useful. You are going to be great after the struggles!

  Going through any struggle sucks. Going through a struggle alone sucks ten times more. My high school years were a struggle in silence. Due to the brave face that I wore, no one could have guessed I was crying myself to sleep some nights, at the mercy of my own thoughts. No one could have guessed the demons I was fighting. I couldn’t see an end in sight. What is wrong with me? Why do I have to be like this? Will this ever be over? I asked myself those questions every single day, tormented by the lack of an answer.

  By the time I went to college at Saint John’s University in Minnesota, all my suppressed sadness, together with low grades throughout my freshman year and not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, led to a slight depression. I needed an out. I wanted to drop out. I did eventually, after completing my sophomore year, which turned out to be the right decision for me (though I don’t recommend it for everyone). But until that point, I felt wave upon wave of sadness. I didn’t want to go out with friends and didn’t feel like talking to anyone about anything in case it triggered a sensitive topic.

  Nothing aids and abets depression more than being left alone with negative thoughts. That is where a spiral staircase lies, leading to the pit of misery. And I kept going down and down and down, unable to stop. Nothing could make me happy, not even my YouTube career, which began to thrive. Nothing was capable of lifting my spirit. Things felt so gloomy that whenever I found myself doing well, I’d check myself and soon return to bad, negative thoughts. That’s what the blues do—they send you in a maddening loop. I could never break the sad cycle for long.

  But ultimately I realized that the only person capable of pulling me out of this cycle is me. We each have a choice when feeling down: we become the helpless victim or the self-empowered conqueror. We stay down or get back up. After determining the root cause of my sadness and after admitting to myself and others that I’m gay, the clouds started to part. Once I made an effort to overcome that fear, everything else fell into place. I began to see life through a different lens and went a little easier on myself. Gradually happiness started to take over.

  Today, little things make me happy, like going for a walk, getting coffee with a friend, or creating something original. Really, I find happiness in everything now. Having been disoriented for so many years, it’s the strangest thing to smile at random times and allow myself to feel good. I had never allowed that before. It’s hard to explain, but it feels like I’ve rediscovered an emotion I had lost, or I’ve been reunited with a best friend after many years and can’t stop grinning. We all go through grim times. But instead of resisting the struggle like I did, embrace it, accept it, and give the matter time to figure itself out. If you trust anything, trust this one fact: nothing lasts for forever. Whatever’s bothering you today may not be a problem tomorrow, next week, next month, or even next year. One day, your struggle will be over and you will move on.

  So, yes, life has its up and downs. But those who learn to climb out of the downs and reach the ups will prosper. What are you waiting for? Start climbing.

  Where I Find Happiness

  1. Lying on my back in the middle of an open field with nothing but the stars and moon to feast my eyes on.

  2. Relaxing and enjoying a freshly brewed cup of coffee in the morning right after I’ve gotten up.

  3. Lighting a new candle and being completely engulfed in the scent that infuses the room.

  4. When my legs first touch the cold sheets while getting into bed.

  5. People watching in a busy space. I’m endlessly fascinated by human nature.

  6. Deep, personal conversations with a close friend. Talking about anything and everything.

  7. Taking a cool photo. Capturing a moment only I see.

  8. Creating something; anything, really. The joy is in taking an idea, executing it, and watching it become something.

  9. Experiencing something for the first time. Life should be about collecting these firsts.

  10. Taking a walk late at night. The streets are empty. Maybe the only sound you hear is a light breeze rustling the leaves. There’s room to think and breathe.

  11. Making another person laugh or smile. Completely real. Not fake or forced.

  12. Traveling to new places and being fully immersed in those surroundings: the food, the people, the culture. I love to collect experiences from around the world.

  13. Playing with, petting, holding, or cuddling any cute animal. Any. It just has to be cute!

  14. Driving with the windows down and the music up. A truly liberating experience.

  15. Watching my friends achieve success and do great things. There is a genuine pride and vicarious pleasure that comes from watching your friends do what makes them happy.

  16. Waking up hours before you have to, realizing the time, and going back to sleep.

  Every day, we should do something that puts a smile on our face or brings us joy.

  The Decision That Changed Everything

  UP, DOWN. LEFT AND RIGHT. Diagonal and diagonal again. This was how my sophomore year of college felt—pulled in all directions. While my friends seemed content with where they were headed, I was torn, confused as to which path to take: continuing my education to strengthen my future career prospects or pursuing the opportunities opening up for me on YouTube.

  I couldn’t have been more frustrated with the dilemma. The classes I was taking were starting to feel lackluster (aside from art class—I loved that one). I was bored to tears and, in the middle of weeping, falling asleep with disinterest. My professors might not have appreciated it, but hey, even with my eyes closed, I was still passing with flying colors, having fully recovered from my rough academic performance freshman year. Crazy what a year can do for you, right? Still, some of the lectures I attended were perfect alternatives to over-the-counter drugs (though way more expensive).

  On the face of it, I was doing just fine, though I was clearly losing drive. I was at the halfway point of my college education, pursuing a degree in business, and I ha
ted almost everything. I didn’t want to end up working for a corporation like so many college grads before me. I know that sounds ridiculous, considering that’s exactly what I signed up for, but, hey, I was young and naive. Don’t blame me. Blame someone else!

  I had even become disillusioned with athletics—and that had never happened before. What’s the point? I wondered. I win a couple competitions, then what? After graduating, what would it all mean anyway? If it wasn’t for the fact I had close friends on both the cross-country and swim teams, I would have thrown in the towel immediately.

  I knew where my focus was: the Internet. YouTube, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, you name it. I couldn’t get my mind off the ever-growing expansion of my social media world, and it started taking over my life, consuming my every thought—and I couldn’t have been happier with that.

  At night, I’d lie in bed, contemplating the enticing temptation of a YouTube career. Why not let it happen? I saw other YouTubers making it their career. What if I were to follow suit? Place my entire focus on turning a hobby into a pursuit of excellence?

  The whole YouTube thing had opened up naturally, and I was starting to make some decent money, to the point where I could justify it as a job in the event of continued growth. But the notion of quitting school for YouTube felt completely insane.

  I can’t throw away my life for some hobby, I thought. Who does that?!! People who want to be homeless in three to five years, that’s who.

  There just didn’t seem to be any longevity in that risky career path.

  But hard choices are never easy and nearly always stressful, especially when they affect the trajectory of the rest of your life.

  I frequently tear out my hair over the simplest of decisions. The big, life-changing ones require me to talk it out with friends. Like, a lot. I’m always afraid that I’m looking at things too simplistically, without considering the other options. But my instincts were so fierce on this one that I wanted to tell people that I wasn’t crazy for thinking what I was thinking. But they didn’t get it. And how could they? I barely even got it, and it was happening to me.

  I kept talking it out and thinking it through. Months went by when I was almost on autopilot. I felt very robotic in those winter months, doing the bare minimum in the hope that things would figure themselves out. And sure enough, life threw me a bone.

  One day, I received a text from Ricky, a YouTube friend. “Connor!! I got accepted to an internship in Los Angeles this summer and my parents said I could go! What if you came with me?”

  I stared at the screen and reread the text, letting that invitation sink in. THIS WAS EXACTLY WHAT I HAD BEEN WAITING FOR—someone could make my decision for me. *insert crying and praise hands emojis here*

  I couldn’t type my answer quickly enough. “I’ve gotta ask my parents first, but yes! I’m so down!” I replied.

  A long weekend was coming up, so I was going to be home for a couple of days with Mom and Dad. I spent the entire time building up the courage to broach the subject. Then, when I thought they were at their most relaxed and receptive, I announced my plans for a summer vacation.

  Surprisingly, they were very okay with it. Maybe it was because my parents are familiar with wanderlust and the need to explore, but they approached it sensibly and pragmatically, eager to ensure that I had thought things through.

  “You’re going to pay your way to get out there and live?” asked Dad.

  “Yup!” I said.

  “You’ll work hard at your YouTube, keep busy, and stay out of trouble?” asked Mom.

  “Definitely!” I said, “And I’ll be with Ricky the whole time, so there’s no reason to worry.”

  That did the trick—that, and the fact I had a decent school year nearly under my belt. I was ecstatic. I was going on a road trip across the country to the city where dreams come true—the city where maybe, just maybe, my own dreams would come true. Cloud nine had taken me.

  I lay down on my bed and allowed my mind to wander, disbelieving that this day had come. You know when you want something so badly but never think it’s actually going to happen? The kind of thing that engulfs your mind, the thing that daydreams are made of? This was that thing for me, though I still couldn’t define what that “thing” was except, perhaps, a possible out. And this was my out-of-everything-I-was-doing-but didn’t-want-to-be-doing. I think I may have even grabbed my pillow and screamed into it with pure excitement that afternoon.

  I had no idea what to expect of the adventure I was embarking on. Both the unknowns and the possibilities were endless. All I knew was that I was going to make the best of it. If things went well enough, I’d stay. If they didn’t, I’d return. What was the worst that could happen?! I just needed to be smart about this amazing opportunity. I can take the road to success or the road failure, I thought. Both are just as easy. Or hard, depending on your perspective.

  That summer of 2012 was going to be whatever I wanted it to be. But until then, I had to get back to finishing the semester. For the remainder of the school year, I managed to keep up my grades, excel in athletics, and still continue to post weekly on my YouTube channels. I was successfully balancing both worlds, but that success didn’t come easily.

  There were many long nights, skipped parties, and frustrating conversations that went into making the year go so well. The key was placing my priorities in front of me without letting them control me. With so much on my plate, I couldn’t fear potential failure. I had to embrace positive thinking. Sometimes life is going to kick you down, but what matters is how quickly you get back up. The longer you stay in the dirt and complain, the less time you have to brush yourself off and keep moving forward. I had been in the dirt, stagnating, for long enough. I was ready to finally move forward. Things were falling into place and my life’s jigsaw puzzle was looking more complete.

  I had gone up, down, left, right, and all over the place. Now, I was heading in what felt like the right direction—west, to Los Angeles, California.

  Leap of Faith

  I WASN’T GOING AWAY FOR A couple of days or weeks. I had a one-way ticket booked. One stop, one destination. No wonder my heart was beating more rapidly than normal when my parents dropped me off at the little airport in La Crosse, Wisconsin. This is it—the beginning of a journey, I thought as I waved good-bye to Mom and Dad, like a young child going off to summer camp for the first time.

  I vividly remember my parents having last-minute thoughts of allowing me to move away for the summer. “You’re. Going. To. DIE!” they kept saying. “Do you have enough money? How will you make money? You don’t even have a proper education yet!!”

  It’s fair to say that they were going crazy. I think they both lost it as my departure became imminent. I just shrugged my shoulders. Oh, well, they already said yes and my ticket is booked.

  As much as I understood their apprehension, I was incredibly excited and not nervous in the slightest. What could go wrong? Nothing. Could I die?? Nah—that doesn’t actually happen. (True thoughts from the mind of an invincible teenager.)

  I was bound for Florida, of all places, to meet up with my friend and soon-to-be roommate, Ricky Dillon. He and I, both YouTubers, had known each other for maybe a year and were excited to immerse ourselves in the heat of Los Angeles. We had talked about doing something like this from the moment we met, so you can well imagine the levels of our enthusiasm as we began our road trip.

  Did I mention that we drove together, for three straight days, across the entire United States, in a car full to the top with everything and anything we could ever need for a summer in LA? No, well, um, minor detail. *coughs awkwardly and walks away*

  Details didn’t seem to matter. I just wanted to get there. “WE’RE OFF!!” I yelled as we drove away in Ricky’s obnoxiously orange, loud Kia Soul. It took three full days to cover the nearly 2,300 miles. Along the way we: stayed in crappy hotels, ate tons of junk food, listened to so much music, talked about life, got lost, picked up our friend Jc Caylen, hit a cou
ple of birds, got pulled over, and ran out of gas and got stranded in the middle of the desert. You know, the usual. But it was an adventure. It’s not every day you get to drive all the way across the country. (I highly recommend it if you get the chance. I will never forget that trip.)

  The three of us grew dramatically closer on that trip, as you do when spending more than thirty hours in a car. Either that, or you end up wanting to kill each other. Trust me, it happens. It helped that Jc, Ricky, and I were very close in age. Our entire lives revolved around the Internet, and we had just recently begun our collab channel, Our2ndLife, together with our friends Kian Lawley, Sam Pottorff, and Trevor Moran, who conveniently already lived in California.

  Basically we all shared one channel, aside from our personal ones, and uploaded six different videos a week revolving around one general theme. I was through-the-roof excited to finally, and permanently, be around like-minded people for a change. These friends truly got me. They had the same interests and ambitions in life. It was refreshing to feel that I didn’t have to hold back from being myself around them. With this trip, we were ready to tackle our goals together.

  And we did just that individually, but also as O2L, which soon grew to be the biggest collab channel ever on YouTube, with nearly 3 million subscribers. Aside from that, the experience gained me five of the best friends anyone could ask for. But enough of that. Back to this death trap of a road trip!

  In its entirety, this shared experience was huge for me. Growing up is full of many little steps, hops, and big leaps, none of them easy. You really can’t be totally prepared for any of them. BUT you will always emerge a changed person. Pushing myself to move out of my comfort zone was the best decision I’ve ever made. Without that move, I wouldn’t be where I am today in my career, personal life, and everything in between. Leaving behind the comfort zone forced me to see the real world, away from everything and everyone I know and love. That’s a scary thing, but it made me a grown-up, and we all have to do it one day.