The Woman Who Went to Bed for a Year

  At 3.30 a.m. Brian Junior heard Poppy’s door open and her shower start.

  She was singing, ‘I’ve got me under my skin.’

  It enraged Brian Junior. He thumped on the wall with his fist and frightened himself by thinking, ‘I could actually kill her.’

  He knew from his research on the deep web that it was possible to ‘disappear’ someone and never be caught.

  44

  Nurse Spears ordered Eva to remove her nightgown. She wanted to examine her body for bedsores.

  Eva covered her nakedness as much as she could with the duvet.

  Nurse Spears said, ‘I’ve known people die from bed-sores, Mrs Beaver. If unattended, they can lead to infection, ulceration — and, eventually, amputation.’ She lifted Eva’s ankles and stared at her heels critically. She then moved to Eva’s buttocks, and finished by checking her elbows. She seemed almost disappointed to find no angry sores. ‘You’ve obviously been using a good barrier cream.’

  ‘No,’ said Eva, ‘but I know about bedsores, I just keep moving and changing position.’

  When Eva was dressed, the nurse took her blood pressure and frowned at the result, even though it was in the normal range. She stuck a thermometer in Eva’s ear and, again, frowned at what she saw. She put the thermometer away and asked, ‘How are your bowels?’

  Eva said politely, ‘Mine are fine, how are yours?’

  ‘I’m delighted that you are able to be so light-hearted, Mrs Beaver, considering your circumstances. I understand, from your mother downstairs, that your husband is living with another woman in the garden extension.’

  ‘It’s a shed.’

  ‘Your mother also tells me that when you need to use the bathroom facilities, you construct what you call a “White Pathway”, which you seem to think is an extension of your bed. Is this true?’

  ‘Yes, it’s true. It is an extension of the bed. If I fired a bullet at your skull and it blew it apart, Nurse Spears, would the bullet that did so be a property of itself or the gun?’ She half remembered this from overhearing a conversation one morning at breakfast, between Brian and Brian Junior about quantum physics, which had only ended when the marmalade jar had slipped through Brian’s hands and fallen on to the floor.

  Nurse Spears was writing on Eva’s notes.

  Eva said, ‘I’d like to see what you’ve written.’

  The nurse said, moving the notes out of Eva’s reach, ‘I’m afraid your notes are confidential.’

  Eva said, ‘You’re mistaken, Nurse Spears. The law allows patients to read their notes.’

  ‘I have made a judgement that you are not mentally strong enough to read your own notes. It could set off another psychotic episode.’

  ‘I am physically and mentally well.’

  ‘It is quite common for psychotic patients to think themselves well.’

  Eva began to laugh. ‘So, you win both ways?’

  Nurse Spears said, ‘There’s a touch of paranoia in that question.’

  Eva asked, ‘Are you trained in mental health diagnostics?’

  ‘Trained, no, but it is a special interest of mine. There was mental ill health in my own family, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, Mrs Beaver.’

  Eva felt a chill, a physical sensation of fear. ‘Of course, you’re implying that I have a mental illness?’

  Nurse Spears said, ‘I will go back to the surgery and inform your doctors that, in my opinion, you are having a breakdown of some kind. Again, Mrs Beaver, you need not be frightened. Some of our most notable men and women have suffered, like you. Think of Churchill, Alastair Campbell, Les Dennis.’

  Eva insisted, ‘But I’m not mentally ill!’

  We have moved on since poor Mr Churchill suffered from his “black dog”. We have some miraculous drugs now, and within a few weeks you will be feeling your old self again. You will be able to get out of bed and re-join the rest of us.’

  ‘I don’t want to join the rest of you.’

  Nurse Spears put on her navy-blue mac and carefully threaded the belt through the brown leather buckle. ‘I’ll call again, of course. Goodbye, Mrs Beaver.’

  When she heard her mother’s voice in the hall five minutes later, and then the sound of the front door slamming, Eva shouted, ‘Mum!’

  It took longer than usual for Ruby to climb the stairs, and she was breathless when she arrived at the side of Eva’s bed.

  Eva did not want to upset her mother, but she needed to talk frankly with her. She asked, ‘So, you had a good talk with the nurse?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Ruby. ‘She was telling me about Dr Bridges. He’s been off work for three days. He did some bad damage to his nose with a pair of animated nose clippers.’

  Eva corrected irritably, ‘Automatic. And she shouldn’t be gossiping about the doctors.’

  ‘She doesn’t like that dark doctor, Lumbago, she says he’s lazy. Well, they are, aren’t they?’

  Eva said, ‘No, they are not.’

  ‘I wouldn’t have her job for the world. The things she has to do. She told me about some of her worst cases. It’s disgusting what that poor woman has to work with.’

  ‘You told her about Brian and Titania. You said they were living in a garden extension.’

  Well, I could hardly call it a shed, could I?’

  ‘And I wish you hadn’t told her about the White Pathway.’

  Ruby said, ‘But everybody knows about the White Pathway.’

  ‘Everybody?’

  ‘Well, everybody I know. And I’ll tell you the truth, Eva. Everybody thinks it’s barmy. And I’ll tell you another thing, Nurse Spears thinks it’s barmy, an’ all.’

  ‘And you, Mum? What do you think? Do you think it’s barmy?’

  Ruby shook her head sadly and said, ‘I feel like I’ve never known you, and now I never will. None of us know you, any more. We all want the old Eva back.’

  ‘I didn’t like the old Eva. She was a miserable coward.’

  ‘All you need is a change of scenery. You’ve had a lovely four months’ rest. Why don’t you get up, have a shower, wash your hair with some of your lovely vegetable stuff —’

  ‘Herb,’ said Eva.

  ‘— put some warm clothes on and we could go to the shops. And there’s snowdrops in the park. I could borrow Stanley’s wheelchair. You weigh nowt, I could easily push you. I want to look after you, Eva.’

  ‘You don’t understand, do you, Mum? Think of me as a giant grub. I’m here, in this room, pupating.’

  Ruby began to feel uneasy. ‘You’re talking daft, stop it!’

  Eva said, ‘But one day, I’ll shed my skin. I’m looking forward to that. I wonder what I’ll be?’

  ‘On your own, if you carry on talking like that.’

  Ruby went downstairs and found Titania unloading the washing machine. Hers and Brian’s clothes were tangled together. One of his shirts was enveloping one of her nightgowns.

  Ruby said, ‘So, you’re not at work?’

  Titania, who thought that Ruby was one of the thickest people she had ever met, said, ‘Obviously not, I’m here, in the kitchen, in three dimensions. Four, including time.’

  Ruby said, with a nod towards Eva’s bedroom, ‘She’s getting worse, she’s just told me that she’s a giant grub.’

  Titania’s eyes widened. ‘Are you sure she didn’t say “I need some grub”, or “Bring me some grub”, or something similar?’

  ‘I know I’m getting on a bit, but I definitely heard her say that she was a giant grub.’

  ‘As in insect?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Titania muttered, ‘Très Kafkaesque.’

  Ruby said, ‘Will you tell Brian, when he comes home from work, that Eva now thinks she’s a giant grub?’

  Titania said, ‘Oh yes, I’ll be delighted to pass on that message.’

  ‘I’m going home now,’ said Ruby. ‘I’m feeling a bit poorly.’ When she had put her hat and coat on, she said, ‘Titania, what would happen to Eva if I passed away?’ r />
  Titania said, ‘We’d cope.’

  Ruby checked, ‘You’d feed her?’

  ‘Obviously.’

  ‘Do her washing, change her sheets?’

  ‘Of course.

  ‘Keep her clean?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘But you wouldn’t love her, you and Brian, would you?’

  ‘There are plenty of people who love her.’

  Ruby’s voice cracked. ‘But she needs her main, and if I went to the arms of Jesus, she wouldn’t be looked after properly, would she?’

  Titania said, ‘I sense Alexander loves her.’

  Ruby picked up her empty shopping bag and said, ‘That’s sex, I’m talking about love.’

  Titania watched her walking down the hall, and thought that she had visibly aged in the last week. She looked unsteady on her feet, and her shoulders were stooped. She might suggest that Ruby swap her mid-heeled court shoes for a pair of Merrell body-shaping trainers.

  When Brian opened the front door, he could smell curry, his favourite food. Titania was at the stove, cooking chapattis over a gas flame. Every surface that could be burnished, shone. There was a faint smell of bleach. All the surfaces had been washed down. There was a small pot of snowdrops on the table, which had been set for two, and a bottle of Burgundy was breathing. Glasses had been polished, and reflected the lights.

  He lifted the lid off a saucepan and asked, ‘What is it — chicken?’

  ‘No, goat,’ said Titania. ‘And before I forget, your wife now thinks she’s a giant grub. A “monstrous vermin”.’

  Brian had a delicate stomach. He replaced the lid. His appetite waned a little. ‘A giant grub?’ he said. ‘Couldn’t you have waited until after dinner?’

  45

  The next morning, Barry Wooton turned up on the doorstep with a woman he described to Yvonne as ‘a new friend’.

  Yvonne, who was on the morning shift, led them upstairs to Eva’s bedroom, talking as she went. Like a parlour maid in a costume drama, she announced, ‘Mr Barry Wooton and Miss Angelica Hedge.’

  Eva sat up in bed and said to Barry, You’re still here then?’

  Barry laughed and said, ‘Yeah, thanks for that.’

  Eva looked at Ms Hedge, waiting to be properly introduced.

  Barry said, ‘She likes to be called Angel. She was waiting in line for a cab at the station. She said, ‘You look cheerful for a February morning,” and I said, “Well, it’s all down to the amazing Eva Beaver.” She wanted to meet you.

  Angelica was a small, slight girl, with a no-style haircut. Heavy make-up could not conceal her owl-like features. She held out an unmanicured hand to Eva. Her voice was light and devoid of accent. She said, ‘It’s an honour to meet you, Mrs Beaver. I think it’s wonderful that you saved Barry’s life.’

  Barry said, ‘She’s a saint.’

  Angelica continued, ‘But beware, I think it was Confucius, or it might have been Plato, who said, “If you save a man’s life, he is yours for ever.”‘

  Barry said, ‘Well, I wun’t mind that, but I don’t know about Eva.’

  Eva gave a weak smile, and allowed her hand to be shaken for slightly too long. She made general demurring sounds.

  Angelica asked, ‘Was it your mother-in-law who showed us in?’

  ‘Yvonne,’ said Eva.

  ‘And how old is Yvonne?’ asked Angelica.

  Eva said, ‘How old? I don’t know Seventy-five, seventy-six?’

  ‘And does she live here?’

  ‘No, she calls in three or four times a week.’

  ‘And your children?’

  ‘They’re seventeen,’ said Eva. Then she asked herself, ‘Why does she want to know how old everybody is? Perhaps the girl is autistic.’

  ‘And you, how old are you?’

  Eva thought, ‘Yes, she’s autistic.’ She asked Angelica, ‘How old do you think I am?’

  ‘I can never tell with older people. You could be a young-looking sixty or an old-looking forty. Who knows now we’ve got Botox?’

  Eva said, Well, I’m a fifty-looking fifty.’

  ‘And how long have you lived here?’

  ‘Twenty-six years,’ said Eva. She thought, ‘This is going to be tiresome.’

  Angelica said, ‘Barry tells me that you are bedridden. That’s tragic.’

  ‘No, I’m not bedridden and it’s not tragic.’

  ‘You’re so brave. Is your husband’s name Brian?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And how old is he?’

  ‘He’s fifty-five.’

  Yvonne came into the room and asked, ‘Would your guests like some refreshments, Eva? We have tea, we have coffee, we have hot chocolate and, of course, we have various cold drinks. And I think I could rustle up a few light snacks.’

  Eva could almost have leapt out of her bed, strangled Yvonne and thrown her down the stairs, such was her rage. She thought, ‘Yvonne has never really liked me, and now here’s the proof.’

  Barry and the girl turned to Yvonne gratefully and said, ‘Hot chocolate,’ in unison. This made them laugh, and Barry invited Angelica to sit in the soup chair. He perched on the arm and they both stared at Eva. Eva threw herself back on the pillows. Yvonne took her time on the stairs, unaware that Eva was counting every second before her unwanted quests were on the street side of the front door.

  An agonising thirty-five minutes followed, during which Yvonne handed scalding-hot mugs of milky drinking chocolate to Barry and Angelica, who promptly dropped them when their knuckles came into contact with the fearsome heat.

  The boiling brown liquid splashed over Barry’s legs and ran along the white floorboards. His nylon socks retained the heat and he screamed in pain. There was a lot of kerfuffle as Yvonne tried to stem the flow with a meagre handful of toilet tissue she’d taken from the lavatory.

  Eva was shouting, ‘Cold water! Put your feet in cold water!’

  But nobody was listening.

  Above Barry’s cries of pain, and Angelica’s little squeals, Yvonne raged at Eva, shouting, ‘Don’t blame me, there’s nowhere in this room to put anything down! Why did you have to get rid of your furniture?’

  Eva tried to lower the metaphorical heat, saying with a smile, ‘A tip, Yvonne, when handing out mugs of boiling liquid try supplying asbestos gloves beforehand.’

  Yvonne shouted, ‘A tip, Eva? Here’s one for you! People lolling in their beds, admiring their navels, should not try to ridicule people who are walking about actually doing things! I should be at home. This is not even my day for looking after you, Ruby should be here! But, guess what? She’s having one of her convenient “heads”. And I’m expecting a parcel from Amazon! It’s Alan Titchmarsh’s When I Was a Nipper, and they’ve been kind enough to track down a signed first edition for me. It will make a complete set. I’ve left a note on the front door, asking the courier to put it in the coal bunker — but that’s supposing he can read English!’

  Angelica said, ‘What is a coal bunker?’

  Yvonne snapped, ‘It’s a bunker for putting coal in.’

  Eva said, ‘Don’t you want to know the age of the coal bunker?’

  ‘Well, how old is it?’

  ‘It will be sixty next birthday.’

  There followed a great palaver as the floor was mopped, clothes were removed and scalded skin was cooled with unguents that Yvonne brought out of her large handbag. While Yvonne found a dressing gown big enough for Barry, and was washing his socks and trousers, Angelica engaged him in conversation.

  She started with, ‘How old are you, Barry?’

  ‘I’m thirty-six,’ said Barry. ‘Don’t tell me I look older, I know I do. It’s the nights. I can’t sleep in the day. I’ve got Massive Attack on one side of me and summat classical on the other. I’ve asked them to turn it down but they’re both bastards. I’ve got high heels above me and a bloody barking dog below. Never move to a modern flat. It’s no wonder I was desperate. If I hadn’t knocked on Eva’s door, I would’ve had
my head in a Tesco’s carrier bag, i’n’t that right, Eva?’

  Eva said, faintly, ‘Possibly.’

  ‘I’m telling you, this woman is a saint. Who else do you know who’d open their door to a desperate man like I were?’

  Eva muttered, ‘The Samaritans?’

  Barry carried on. ‘It’s just knowing that there’s somebody in this world who’ll give up their sleep to talk to a stranger in the night.’

  Eva said quietly to Angelica, ‘I had no choice. He forced his way in.’

  Angelica said, ‘Exactly what time was this?

  Barry said, ‘It was three twenty-seven a.m.’

  ‘And how did you feel when this stranger forced his way into your bedroom? Alarmed, shocked, terrified?’

  Eva said, ‘Well, I was certainly surprised.’

  Barry said, ‘She should get a medal or something.’

  ‘So, would you say that you were a compassionate woman?’

  Eva thought for a moment. ‘Not particularly.’

  Every nerve in her body was taut with irritation. She felt her temper stirring, like a bear waking from hibernation. She tried to disassociate herself from the present and attempted to think of other things. She began to walk on the beach of a Greek island. The sparkling Aegean Sea was to her left, and her rented villa was a few steps to her right. But after a few moments, she lost the struggle and was back in the bedroom with her tormentors.

  Barry was droning on. ‘I’ve made some friends on the computer. They’re people like me what want to kill themselves. They’re a lovely bunch, we had a right laugh.’

  Angelica said, ‘I’ve often felt that life is not worth living. Have you got the web address?’

  Barry rummaged in his jacket pocket, and brought out a little red diary. He spelled out the address laboriously. ‘It’s topurselfuk dot org.’ Then he turned to Eva and asked, ‘Is Brian Junior in? I’d like to thank him for his help, an’ all. Would you mind if I gave my new friends your address?’

  Eva wailed, ‘Barry, no!’

  He said, ‘You’re too modest, Eva, people should know what a great woman you are. You shouldn’t hide your light under a whatsit.’