If You Could See Me Now

  Elizabeth’s face brightened and his piercing blue eyes warmed her heart.

  ‘And then I couldn’t stop thinking,’ Ivan continued, ‘so I sat down and spent the day thinking.’

  ‘About what?’

  ‘Apart from the beautiful woman?’

  ‘Apart from her,’ Elizabeth grinned.

  ‘You don’t want to know.’

  ‘I can take it.’

  Ivan looked uncertain. ‘OK, if you really want to know,’ he took a deep breath, ‘I thought about the Borrowers.’

  Elizabeth frowned. ‘What?’

  ‘The Borrowers,’ Ivan repeated, looking thoughtful.

  ‘The television programme?’ Elizabeth said, feeling irate. She had prepared herself for whispers of sweet nothing like they did in the movies, not this unscripted loveless conversation.

  ‘Yes.’ Ivan rolled his eyes, not noticing her tone, ‘if you want to refer to that commercial side of them.’ He sounded angry. ‘But I thought long and hard about them and I’ve come to the conclusion that they didn’t borrow. They stole. They downright stole and everybody knows it but nobody ever talks about it. To borrow means to take and use something belonging to someone else and then eventually return it. I mean, when did they ever give anything back? I don’t recall Peagreen Clock ever giving anything back to the Lenders at all, do you? Especially the food – how can you borrow food? You eat it and it’s gone; there’s no giving it back. At least when I eat your dinner you know where it’s going.’ He sat back and folded his arms, looking cross. ‘And they get a film made about them, a bunch of thieves, while us? We do nothing but good but we get labelled a figment of people’s imaginations and are still,’ he made a face and made inverted commas with his fingers, ‘invisible. Please …’ He rolled his eyes.

  Elizabeth stared at him open-mouthed.

  There was a long silence as Ivan looked around the kitchen, shaking his head in anger, and then returned his attention to Elizabeth. ‘What?’

  Silence.

  ‘Oh, it doesn’t matter.’ He waved his hand dismissively. ‘I told you, you wouldn’t want to know. So enough about my problems. Please tell me, what’s happened?’

  Elizabeth took a deep breath, the question of Saoirse distracting her from the confusing talk of the Borrowers. ‘Saoirse has disappeared. Joe, the man with his finger on the pulse of Baile na gCroíthe, told me she headed off with the group of people she was hanging out with. He heard it from a family member of a guy from the group she’s with but she’s been gone for three days and no one seems to know where they’ve gone.’

  ‘Oh,’ Ivan said in surprise, ‘and here I am rattling off my problems. Did you tell the gardaí?’

  ‘I had to,’ she said sadly. ‘I felt like a snitch but they had to know she was gone just in case she didn’t turn up for her hearing in a few weeks, which I’m almost sure she won’t be at. I’ll have to get a solicitor to go on her behalf, which won’t look very good.’ She rubbed her face tiredly.

  He took her hands and cradled them in his own. ‘She’ll be back,’ he said confidently. ‘Maybe not for the hearing but she’ll come back. Believe me. There’s no need to worry.’ His soft voice was firm.

  Elizabeth stared deep into his eyes, searching for the truth. ‘I believe you,’ she said. But deep down Elizabeth was afraid. She was afraid of believing Ivan, afraid of believing full stop, because when that happened, her hopes were raised up the flagpole, waving and blowing in the breeze for all to see. There they would weather the storms and winds, only to be lowered, tattered and ruined.

  And she didn’t think she could spend any more years with her bedroom curtains open, with one eye on the road, waiting for a second person to return. She was weary and she needed to close her eyes.

  Chapter 26

  As soon as I left Elizabeth’s house the next morning, I decided to head straight to Opal. Actually, I had decided I was going to do that long before I left Elizabeth’s house. Something she said had hit a nerve – actually, everything she said hit a nerve with me. When I was with her I was like a hedgehog, all prickly and sensitive, as if all of my senses were alert. The funny thing is I thought all my senses had been alert already – as a professional best friend they should have been – but there was one emotion I hadn’t experienced before and that was love. Sure, I loved all my friends but not in this way, not in the way that made my heart thud when I looked at Elizabeth, not in a way that made me want to be with her the whole time. And I didn’t want to be with her for her, I realised it was for me. This love thing awakened a group of slumbering senses in my body that I never even knew existed.

  I cleared my throat, checked my appearance and made my way into Opal’s office. In Ekam Eveileb there were no doors, because nobody here could open them, but there was another reason: doors acted as barriers; they were thick, unwelcoming things that you could control to shut people in or out and we didn’t agree with that. We chose open-plan offices for a more open and friendly atmosphere. Although that’s what we were always taught, lately I had found Elizabeth’s fuchsia front door with the smiling letter box to be the friendliest door I had ever seen, so that shot that particular theory to hell. She was making me question all sorts of things.

  Without even looking up, Opal called out, ‘Welcome, Ivan.’ She was sitting behind a desk, dressed in purple, as usual, her dreadlocks were tied up and scattered in glitter so that with every movement she sparkled. On each of her walls were framed photos of hundreds of children, all smiling happily. They were even covering her shelves, coffee table, sideboard, mantelpiece and windowsill. Everywhere I looked were rows and rows of photographs of people Opal had worked with and become friends with in the past. Her desk was the only surface that was clear and on it sat one single photo frame. The frame had sat there for years facing Opal so that nobody ever really got a chance to see who or what was in it. We knew that if we asked she would tell us, but nobody was ever rude enough to ask. What we didn’t need to know, we didn’t need to ask. Some people just don’t quite get the gist of that. You can have plenty of conversations with people, meaningful conversations without getting too personal. There’s a line, you know, like an invisible field around people that you just know not to enter or cross, and I had never crossed it with Opal, or anyone else for that matter. Some people just can’t even see that.

  Elizabeth would have hated the room, I thought as I looked around. She would have removed everything in an instant, dusted it and polished it until it gleamed with the clinical glow of a hospital. Even at the coffee shop she had arranged the salt and pepper shakers and the bowl of sugar into an equilateral triangle in the centre of the table. She always moved things an inch to the left or an inch to the right, back and forward until it stopped nagging and she could concentrate again. Funny thing was, she sometimes ended up moving things back to exactly how they were in the first place and then convincing herself she was happy with them. That said a lot about Elizabeth.

  But why did I start thinking of Elizabeth just then? I kept on doing that. In situations that were totally unrelated to her, I would think of her and she would become part of the scenario. I would suddenly wonder, what would she think, how would she feel, what would she do or say if she was with me? That was all part of giving someone a piece of your heart; they ended up taking a whole chunk of your mind and reserving it all for themselves.

  Anyway, I realised I had been standing in front of the desk not saying anything since I walked in.

  ‘How did you know it was me?’ I finally spoke.

  Opal looked up and smiled one of those smiles that made her look as if she knew it all. ‘I was expecting you.’ Her lips looked like two big cushions, and were purple to match her robe. I thought of what it felt like to kiss Elizabeth’s lips.

  ‘But I didn’t make an appointment,’ I protested. I knew I was intuitive but Opal was in a whole league of her own.

  She just smiled again. ‘What can I do for you?’

  ‘I thought you’d know
that without having to ask me,’ I teased, sitting down in her spinning chair and thinking about the spinning chair in Elizabeth’s office, then thinking of Elizabeth, what it was like to hold her, hug her, laugh with her and hear the little breaths she took while she slept last night.

  ‘You know the dress Calendula was wearing at last week’s meeting?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Do you know how she got that?’

  ‘Why, do you want one too?’ Opal asked with a glint in her eyes.

  ‘Yes,’ I replied, fidgeting with my hands. ‘I mean no,’ I said quickly. I took a breath. ‘What I mean is, I was wondering where I could get a change of clothes for myself.’ There I’d done it.

  ‘The wardrobe department, two floors down,’ Opal explained.

  ‘I didn’t know there was a wardrobe department,’ I said in surprise.

  ‘It’s always been there,’ Opal said, narrowing her eyes. ‘May I ask what you need it for?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ I shrugged. ‘It’s just that, Elizabeth, you see, is, um, she’s different from all my other friends. She notices these things, you know?’

  She nodded slowly.

  I felt I should explain a bit more. The silence was making me uncomfortable. ‘You see, Elizabeth said to me today that the reason I wore these clothes was because it was either a uniform, I was unhygienic or because I lacked imagination.’ I sighed, thinking about it. ‘The last thing I am is lacking in imagination.’

  Opal smiled.

  ‘And I know I’m not unhygienic,’ I continued. ‘And then I was thinking about the uniform part,’ I looked myself up and down, ‘and maybe she was right, you know?’

  Opal pursed her lips.

  ‘One of the things about Elizabeth is that she too is dressed in uniform. She wears black – the same stuffy suits all the time – her make-up is a mask, her hair is always tied back, nothing is free. She works all the time and takes it so seriously,’ I looked up at Opal in shock, just realising something. ‘That’s exactly like me, Opal.’

  Opal was silent.

  ‘All this time I was calling her a gnirob.’

  Opal laughed lightly.

  ‘I wanted to teach her to have fun, to change her clothes, stop wearing a mask, change her life so she can find happiness and how can I do that when I’m the very same as her?’

  Opal nodded her head lightly. ‘I understand, Ivan. You’re learning a lot from Elizabeth too, I can see that. She is bringing something out in you and you are showing her a whole new way of life.’

  ‘We caught Jinny Joes on Sunday,’ I said softly, agreeing with her.

  Opal opened a cabinet behind her and grinned. ‘I know.’

  ‘Oh, good, they arrived,’ I said happily, watching the Jinny Joes floating in a jar in the cabinet.

  ‘One of yours arrived too, Ivan,’ Opal said seriously.

  I felt my face redden. I changed the subject. ‘You know she got six hours of undisturbed sleep last night. That’s the first time that’s ever happened.’

  Opal’s expression didn’t soften. ‘Did she tell you that, Ivan?’

  ‘No, I saw her …’ I trailed off. ‘Look, Opal, I stayed the night, I only held her in my arms till she fell asleep, it’s no big deal. She asked me to.’ I tried to sound convincing. ‘And when you think about it, I do it all the time with other friends. I read them bedtime stories, stay with them till they sleep and sometimes even sleep on their floor. This is no different.’

  ‘Isn’t it?’

  I didn’t answer.

  Opal picked up her fountain pen with a great big purple feather on the top, looked down and continued with her calligraphy writing. ‘How much longer do you think you’ll need to work with her?’

  That got me. My heart did a little dance. Opal had never asked me that before. It was never a matter of time for anyone, it was always a natural progression. Sometimes you only had to spend a day with someone, other times you could be there months. When our friends were ready, they were ready, and we had never before had to put a time on it. ‘Why do you ask?’

  ‘Oh,’ she was nervous, fidgety, ‘I’m just wondering. As a matter of interest … you’re the best I have here, Ivan, and I just want you to remember that there are lots more people that need you.’

  ‘I know that,’ I said rather forcefully. Opal’s voice had all sorts of tones I had never heard before, negative ones that sent blue and black colours into the air and I didn’t like it one bit.

  ‘Great,’ she said, a bit too perky for her, and she knew it. ‘Can you drop these by the analysis lab on your way to wardrobe?’ She handed me the jar of Jinny Joes.

  ‘Sure.’ I took the jar from her. There were three Jinny Joes inside, one from Luke, one from Elizabeth and the third was mine. They sat on the floor of the jar, resting from their journey in the wind. ‘Bye,’ I said rather awkwardly to Opal, backing out of the office. I felt as though we’d just had an argument even though we hadn’t.

  I made my way down the hall to the analysis lab, holding the lid of the jar closed tightly so they wouldn’t escape. Oscar was running around the lab with a look of panic on his face when I reached the entrance.

  ‘Open the hatch!’ he yelled to me while passing the door, arms out on front of him, white coat flapping like a cartoon character.

  I placed the jar away from danger and hurried to the hatch. Oscar ran towards me and, at the last minute, jumped to the side, fooling what was chasing him so that it raced straight into the cage.

  ‘Ha!’ he exploded, turning the key and waving it at the cage. His forehead was glittered with perspiration.

  ‘What on earth is that?’ I asked, moving closer to the cage.

  ‘Be careful!’ Oscar shouted, and I jumped back. ‘You are incorrect in asking what on earth it is because it’s not.’ He dabbed his forehead with a handkerchief.

  ‘It’s not what?’

  ‘On earth,’ he replied. ‘Never seen a shooting star before, Ivan?’

  ‘Of course I have.’ I circled the cage. ‘But not up close.’

  ‘Of course,’ he added, an overly sweet tone to his voice, ‘you just see them from afar, looking so pretty and bright, dancing across the sky, and you make your wishes on them but,’ his tone turned nasty, ‘you forget about Oscar, who has to gather your wishes from the star.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Oscar, I really did forget. I didn’t think stars were so dangerous.’

  ‘Why?’ Oscar snapped, ‘Did you think a burning asteroid millions of miles away, which is visible from earth, is going to shoot down to me and kiss me on the cheek? Anyway, it doesn’t matter. What have you brought to me? Oh great, a Jinny Joe jar. Just what I needed after that ball of fire,’ he shouted loudly at the cage, ‘something with a bit of respect.’

  The ball of fire bounced around angrily in response.

  I stepped further away from the cage. ‘What kind of wish was it carrying?’ I found it hard to believe that this burning ball of light could be of any help to anyone.

  ‘Funny you ask,’ Oscar said, showing it wasn’t funny at all. ‘This particular one was carrying the wish to chase me around the lab.’

  ‘Was that Tommy?’ I tried not to laugh.

  ‘I can only assume so,’ he said angrily. ‘But I can’t really complain to him because that was twenty years ago when Tommy didn’t know any better and was just starting out.’

  ‘Twenty years ago?’ I asked in surprise.

  ‘It took that long to get here,’ Oscar explained, opening the jar and lifting out a Jinny Joe with an odd-looking implement. ‘It is, after all, millions of light years away. I thought twenty years was doing rather well.’

  I left Oscar studying the Jinny Joes and made my way to wardrobe. Olivia was in there being measured.

  ‘Hello, Ivan,’ she said in surprise.

  ‘Hi, Olivia, what are you doing?’ I asked, watching as a woman measured her tiny waist.

  ‘Being measured for a dress, Ivan. Poor Mrs Cromwell passed away last ni
ght,’ she said sadly. ‘The funeral’s tomorrow. I’ve been to so many funerals my only black dress is worn out.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ I said, knowing how fond Olivia was of Mrs Cromwell.

  ‘Thank you, Ivan, but we must keep going. A lady arrived at the hospice this morning, who needs my help and now I must focus on her.’

  I nodded, understanding.

  ‘So what brings you here?’

  ‘My new friend, Elizabeth, is a woman. She notices my clothes.’

  Olivia chuckled.

  ‘You want a T-shirt in another colour?’ the woman who was measuring asked. She took a red T-shirt from a drawer.

  ‘Em, no.’ I shifted from foot to foot and looked around at the shelves reaching from floor to ceiling. Each of them was labelled with a name and I saw Calendula’s name underneath a row of pretty dresses. ‘I was looking for something a lot … smarter.’

  Olivia raised her eyebrows. ‘Well then, you’ll have to be measured for a suit, Ivan.’

  We agreed to make me a black suit to go with a blue shirt and tie because they were my favourite colours.

  ‘Anything else, or will that be all?’ Olivia asked me with a twinkle in her eye.

  ‘Actually,’ I lowered my voice and looked around to make sure the woman was out of earshot. Olivia moved her head closer to mine.

  ‘I was wondering if you could teach me the soft- shoe shuffle.’

  Chapter 27

  Elizabeth stared at the sparse wall, dirty with dried and patchy plaster. She already felt at a loss. The wall wasn’t saying anything to her. It was 9.00 a.m. on the building site, and it was already overrun by men in hard hats, drooping jeans, check shirts and Caterpillar boots. They looked like an army of ants as they rushed around carrying all sorts of materials on their backs. In the emptiness of the hotel their cheers, laughter, songs and whistling echoed around the cemented shell on top of the hill that had yet to be filled by the ideas in Elizabeth’s head. Their sounds rolled down the corridors like thunder and into what was to be the children’s playroom.