The Walnuts

  “That son of a bitch wouldn’t let me in my own house,” said Martha.

  “What? I spent a lot of money to get those damn doors ‘you had to have!’ And then,” he told everyone, “she ruins them.”

  “Dad had to get rid of the car,” Wanda added. “It stunk like rotten meat and no one would ride in it after that.”

  “See, Nut Head, you ruined that lovely old Lincoln,” said Martha.

  “What? You ruined two ‘very’ expensive doors.”

  “I have always worked so hard for my constituents,” the mayor told Danielle, oblivious to the rest of the table, “that I’ve never had a chance to spend much of my money . . . and I have a bundle.”

  “Harvey,” Martha shouted, hearing the mayor’s new angle, “you dented your bundle pretty good just to keep your job.”

  “Well, I still have a bundle left,” he said, his gaze never leaving Danielle.

  “Really? Tell me about it, Harvey,” said Danielle, winking at her mother.

  “Well, contrary to the rumors my political enemies have started, I have worked hard for this town, and—”

  “Harvey, you’re as crooked as your pecker!” yelled Martha, cutting off the mayor’s speech.

  “Your mother never understood me,” the mayor said quietly to Danielle.

  “She already had my father’s bundle,” said Danielle.

  “Precisely.”

  “Go on.”

  “My bundle is still available for the pleasures in life.”

  “Can I get that in writing?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You’re promising me your bundle. Can I get that in writing? You have to be careful these days because—who knows—you might just be pumping sunshine up my skirt.”

  “I, ah . . .” the mayor stumbled, “I could give you anything you desired, you beautiful creature.”

  “I desire your entire bundle,” Danielle said quickly.

  The mayor lowered his voice and leaned down close to the table. “Ah, sweetheart, I mean, aren’t we getting ahead of ourselves here? We were just talking about having a little fun.”

  “A little fun!” yelled Danielle, looking shocked. “You said that you wanted to take care of me forever.”

  “My dear, this is not the place,” whispered the mayor.

  “I’m not that kind of woman!” she declared. “I need a strong man that will protect me from my psycho ex-boyfriend, who is getting out of prison next week.”

  “Huh? I didn’t know . . . you never—”

  The mayor looked pale. Beads of sweat were forming on his forehead.

  “I’m sorry if I misled . . .” he said, trailing off.

  Jed and Martha were watching Danielle develop the situation with appreciation.

  Heather was looking up at the ceiling. She ran her tongue over her teeth with her mouth closed and shook her head slowly with a disgusted look on her face.

  John was listening to Kris with fascination. “And I just love all the men I meet,” she said, turning a little in her seat to face John. Her legs spread slightly open, the extremely short skirt not doing much to hide her panties. “They’re all so interesting,” she blathered. “Men always seem to have done so much.”

  “You need a woman like Kris there,” Danielle told the mayor, pointing at Kris across the table. “Kris doesn’t have any problems that require a strong, confident man just now. She likes simple men. Men that just like to have a good time.”

  “Kris,” Danielle shouted at her, getting her attention, “stand up for the mayor.”

  “A mayor?” said Kris, sliding her chair back. “I just love powerful men.” She stood up, not bothering to pull her skirt down. The mayor was swiftly on his feet and headed around the table.

  “I think our mayor has forgotten his quest for a Walnut,” said Martha.

  *

  Danielle was talking to Jed in the reception room when Heather came running in.

  “Mother, Kris is down in one of those old phone booths next to the elevators, do something,” she pleaded.

  “What are you talking about? Is she making a call?” asked Danielle. “What is it with you? You’ve been uptight all day. Settle down.”

  “Mother, she’s in the booth with the mayor.”

  “Well, maybe he’s calling—”

  “Mother,” she lowered her voice, “he’s trying to do “the nasty” with her.”

  “In a phone booth?” Danielle still wasn’t taking her seriously. “Oh, come on, you’re overreacting.”

  “Mother, her skirt is up around her waist. And that wasn’t the Pillsbury Doughboy and his twin I saw jammed up against the glass.”

  “Well, what do you want me to do about it?”

  “Mother!”

  “Hey, it’s the mayor, and it’s his town.”

  “God, you people are so irresponsible!” said Heather, fuming.

  “What is your problem?” said Danielle, annoyed. “Heather, you’re far from home. Nobody you know is going to find out. If you see anyone with a camera, get the hell out of there. Hell, Kris is Kris and the mayor is the mayor. And as long as he’s not trying to feel you up, don’t worry about it.”

  “Fine, I’m going up to the room.”

  “What is the problem, Heather?”

  “I met this boy.”

  “And?”

  “We were going down to the arcade, and—”

  “You came across Kris and the mayor.”

  “Yes, Mother.”

  “Well, this boy doesn’t know Kris.”

  “I met him at the wedding reception.”

  “Oh.”

  “Aunt Carmen is naked at her wedding; you’re flaunting your tits, as usual, and now Kris.”

  “She wasn’t naked. Quit exaggerating.”

  “She might as well have been, Mother. You could see right through that dress, and all anybody can talk about is ‘Was she, or wasn’t she, wearing underwear?’ Well, I didn’t see anything that would point to ‘she was.’”

  “It did look that way,” admitted Danielle. “I’m sorry, dear, but it doesn’t reflect on you.”

  “Mother,” Heather cried, “Danny, the boy I was telling you about, thinks I’m like that.”

  “I don’t see why he would.”

  “Why wouldn’t he? After what he saw today?” she yelled, then calmed down a bit. “You all think it’s so funny, but I meet a nice guy and he thinks I’m like the rest of you. I’m down there, and there is another phone booth right next to the one the mayor and Kris are getting it on in, and gee, I wonder what he’s thinking.”

  “She’s got a point,” said Jed.

  “Oh, don’t you start!” said Danielle. “All she—”

  Danielle was distracted by a commotion in the hall. A man came running into the ballroom and shouted, “The mayor’s been in an accident!”

  “Oh my gosh, is he all right?” asked a woman.

  “I told you,” said Heather. She grabbed her mother’s hand and led her to the backdoor of the ballroom.

  “We don’t know,” said the man. “They’re trying to get to him now.”

  “Get to him? What happened?” someone asked, as the ballroom emptied.

  “He’s jammed in a phone booth. Apparently it fell over and trapped him inside.”

  Another man ran down the hall to the ballroom and shouted, “Everybody stay calm and let the paramedics do their job. Please stay right where you are!”

  Heather and Danielle avoided the crowd and took the back stairs. They went down two floors and came out across from the arcade. They turned left and went down another half-flight of stairs into a narrow hall. At the middle of the hall was an alcove, and in it were two authentic old phone booths—one had tipped over and the door was jammed.

  Inside, the mayor, lying on his side, was frantically trying to get the door open. Kris was lying behind him, almost out of sight, with her dress twisted around her waist, hiding nothing. Part of the mayor’s shirt protruded from his partly u
nzipped fly, and his jacket was all askew. He hadn’t gotten around to fastening his belt completely. Two of the hotel staff stood at the other end of the hall, watching quietly.

  “Kris must have gotten him really hot for this to happen,” said Danielle.

  “How could anyone be so dumb?” said Heather. “This is so embarrassing.”

  The mayor struggled to get to his knees but jammed his elbow into Kris, who let out a yelp. She tried to kick him, but only managed to force her skirt up more.

  “Oh my gosh!” a woman shrieked. Danielle and Heather turned to find people streaming down the main steps.

  “Man is that guy busted now,” said Heather.

  “This is terrible, somebody help him!” cried another woman. “This is going to ruin his career!”

  “This is great!” exclaimed the man next to her. “He wasn’t worth a damn anyway.”

  “Someone help the girl!” another bystander yelled.

  A man started to step forward.

  “You touch that trollop,” the woman next to him declared, “and I’ll leave you and take everything you’ve got!”

  The man quickly stepped back into the unruly crowd.

  “Who is she?” someone asked.

  “She’s from that wedding reception upstairs—”

  “I heard the wedding was scandalous—”

  “The bride and groom were naked—”

  “I heard the mayor attended—”

  “Looks like he should have declined the invitation—”

  “Why doesn’t somebody help them?” someone finally asked.

  A rush of voices came down the steps—the paramedics. “Stand back, let us through.” They calmly surveyed the situation for a moment, and then put their weight into rolling the phone booth over so the door could open. The mayor spilled out first, quickly reaching for the wall to steady himself and stand.

  “Everyone back,” the mayor shouted, “give this poor girl some room!”

  “What happened to her underwear, Harv?” one of the men said. “You eat them?”

  Gasps and raucous laughter came from the bystanders.

  “I was simply coming to her rescue,” stated the mayor.

  “Looks like she needed to be rescued from you,” the man said.

  “She became trapped, and I was trying to help her out,” exclaimed the mayor.

  “From the inside?” asked the man.

  “Oh, Harvey,” Kris said sweetly, crawling out on her knees, “don’t be silly. No one’s going to fall for that.” She stood up and smoothed her dress.

  “Don’t you people have something better to do?” the mayor said after a camera flash went off.

  “Bye, Harv, it was fun,” Kris said, pushing through the crowd.

  “Miss, miss, could we get your name? And could you tell us what happened?” asked the man with the camera, getting ready to take another picture.

  “Of course,” said Kris. “I’ve just been in town a short time, and Harv—the mayor—and I were discussing a job opportunity.”

  “What, polishing his chrome?” cracked another of the bystanders, causing the laughter to ratchet up again.

  “No, public relations, or something like that,” Kris said innocently. “He didn’t say anything about polishing.”

  This caused more laughter.

  “Zip up your pants, Mr. Mayor!” someone shouted, as another flash went off.

  Danielle and Heather ran after Kris and caught up to her as she went into the ladies’ room.

  “Your mother accused him of being as crooked as his pecker,” she said, leaning close to the mirror to check her makeup. “She’s been with him all right.”

  “What makes you so sure?” asked Danielle.

  “His pecker looks like a baby bird with a broken neck,” she said.

  “Oh God!” shouted Heather, throwing Kris’s underpants at her. “You guys are disgusting!” she yelled and stormed out, leaving Danielle bent over the counter laughing.

  *

  “Jed, you are such a lucky man. All those beautiful women—”

  “Now, Harv, don’t play politics with me.”

  The two were talking outside the hotel after the paramedics had left and things had calmed down. Martha was standing back, but listening.

  “It’s the truth,” the mayor continued. “I had to contend with Sheila all those years, and that was no picnic, you know.”

  “Yes, I know she was a difficult woman, but they all are,” Jed scoffed.

  “Yes, that’s so true,” the mayor said. “But the beautiful ones make it worth it, don’t they? I mean, why else would you put up with all that Martha throws at you?”

  “I ask myself that question at least twice a day, three times on Sundays. And after all these years, I’ve never had a clue.”

  “Jed, it’s because she is a beautiful woman.”

  “Why did you put up with Sheila then? She certainly was no looker.”

  “Damn if I know, but I did love that woman.”

  “I know you did, Harv, and I always respected that about you.”

  “Now that she’s gone, I guess I’m making up for lost time, huh?”

  Jed laughed. “Harv, you’ve always been a horn-dog,” he said, looking straight at the mayor.

  “I’ve always tried to do right for this town,” he said, changing the subject. “You know that, don’t you, Jed?”

  “Everyone knows that your family took everything they could get their hands on, and I know you’ve tried to give some back because you weren’t made from the same mold. You’ve done an admirable job here, Mr. Mayor.”

  Jed put his arm around the mayor’s shoulder.

  “I sure made a fool out of myself this time, huh?”

  “I’ve never seen a bigger fool in all my days, Harv, but look on the bright side, the Walnuts will never forget you.”

  “You are such a lucky man, Jed,” the mayor said and walked away.

  Martha gave him an affectionate kiss on the cheek as he went by.

  Chapter 14

  John was up early the next morning after the long trip from the weddings back to the ranch. He was walking around, enjoying the peacefulness, when he spotted Jed in the kitchen of the main house. The rest of family was still asleep, and he hadn’t really ever had a chance to talk to Jed alone.

  “Good morning, Jed, mind if I join you?” he asked, stepping onto the porch.

  “Space John, come on in,” Jed replied through the open window. “I’d think you’d be worn out and looking to recoup a little.”

  “No, ever since I quit drinking, I’ve been fine,” he said, opening the screen door and going in.

  Jed laughed. “What was worse, the hangover or your reputation as a blithering idiot?”

  “The hangover did not last as long,” John said.

  “Yeah, the drink can sneak up on you if you’re not prepared. Is it good to be back home?”

  “Oh, this isn’t my home, so it is kind of like another day on the job.”

  “That’s right, your book, how’s it going?”

  “At first I was worried about finding enough material, and here I am with so much that I am now worried about what to keep. And I still have one more week.”

  “To finish?”

  “No, to compile material.”

  “Well, it gives you some time to move around, take a look at some other people.”

  “That is what is so unique about the Walnuts, they all come to you.”

  “Bunch of hanger-oners,” said Jed, disgusted. “My wallet’s always the only one open, it seems.”

  “You do not like all the excitement?”

  “It was okay when I was younger, but I’d like some peace and quiet once in a while. That’s why I built this place—so I could come here, close the door, and reflect. I want to take some time and add to it.”

  “It is a beautiful ranch. You must be proud.”

  “You should have seen it when we bought it, just a big old alfalfa field.”

/>   “No trees?”

  “Not a one. A guy Danielle knows builds golf courses. He came in here and dug the lake and made all the contours for us. Martha and I made hundreds of trips to the local nurseries and planted all these trees. It was really great out here then, lots of work to do, so no one bothered us. Now that it’s finished, and there’s no chance anyone could get their hands dirty, they’re here constantly.”

  “How long has it been since it was just a field?”

  “Going on fifteen years now. At first we still had our condo in town, and for the first four years, just came out to plant or water. Then we sold the condo and put in the guest house—that’s where you’re staying. We lived there for five years and then built this main house. We’ve been in here five years now.”

  “I am amazed by all the trees. And they’re so big.”

  “Martha and I worked our tails off. And like I said, nobody else was interested in the working part. They’re all just a bunch of lazy good-time seekers.”

  “Yes, they do seem to enjoy a party.”

  “I can’t imagine what’s going to happen to them when I’m gone,” Jed said calmly while preparing something next to the sink.

  “People learn to adapt.”

  “I hope you’re right.” Jed turned around and looked at John. “I guess no one’s really gotten “your” story.”

  “There is not much to tell, really. I don’t have anything on the Walnuts.”

  Jed looked squarely at John. “I think one of the realities of our universe is that we are not alone,” he said, smiling. “Considering that we here on Earth, if we don’t blow it up, will be traveling in space sometime in the future—say a thousand years or so—I’d say it’s not preposterous to accept that it can happen the other way around, don’t you think?”

  “Makes sense,” John agreed.

  “I’m sure that when we go, we will send journalists along.” Jed looked him straight in the eyes. “Wouldn’t it be fantastic to be one of them?”

  “Yes,” said John, nodding. He returned Jed’s gaze and smiled. “It would be quite an honor.”

  “I just hope that journalist can find something to write about, don’t you?” Jed said and returned to his task.

  “Something like the Walnuts?”

  “Yes, it would make a good story to take home.” Jed looked out the window up to the sky and sighed. “Saw one”—he pointed to the side of the house closest to the lake—“from right over there.”