The Walnuts

  “Are you not going to tell her Jed is not in there anymore?” John asked Ricky and Danielle.

  They both looked at each other for a moment and said in unison, “Nah.”

  Martha continued banging her fist on the door. The whole door and its hinges shook from her assault. “If you’re not out of there in five-seconds, you’re going to be sorry! I’ll stomp your balls in the dirt!”

  The door suddenly flew open, startling her. She jumped back when the old man came flying out, his pants only halfway up, fleeing the scene.

  Danielle and Ricky doubled over with laughter as the old man ran along the building in a panic, trying to get his pants up.

  Heather had just walked to the doorway of the motor home and saw the old man fleeing. “Look at that old bastard go,” she said, laughing. “What’s he so afraid of?”

  Danielle couldn’t catch her breath so she just pointed. Martha was headed their way in a rage.

  “Uh oh,” said Heather, “somebody’s in for it.”

  “You sons-a-bitches knew he wasn’t in there!” Martha shrieked, storming up.

  Ricky and Danielle were laughing so hard they couldn’t straighten up.

  “It’s no use with you two!” she yelled. “You can’t take a goddamn thing serious!”

  She turned to John. “And what the hell are you smiling about?” she hissed and started up the steps into the Nut Mobile.

  She glared up at Heather, who was still standing in the doorway. “If you know what’s good for you, you’ll step out of my way.”

  Heather took one step down and jumped sideways to the ground. “That’s just great, Mother,” she complained. “I’m the one that has to ride with her now.”

  Danielle had finally gained enough composure to answer. “It’s almost two o’clock,” she said. “A little over an hour and you’ll be out of the woods.”

  “Oh, great, an hour in hell, all caused by you two.” Heather stomped off toward the restaurant.

  “Ah shoot, now I have to go,” sighed Danielle. She pulled a box of tissues out of the camper and headed into the surrounding desert.

  “Oh, come on!” shouted Ricky. “The bathrooms can’t be that bad.”

  “I’d rather poop on a rattlesnake than go in there,” she yelled over her shoulder.

  *

  Jed and Heather were coming back to the motor home.

  “You two had to start some crap, didn’t you?” said Jed.

  Ricky shrugged. “We saw an opportunity,” he said. “The number-one responsibility of a Walnut is to never let opportunities slip by. You and Mother wrote that rule.”

  “Ahhh,” said Jed. He waved his hand at Ricky and went into the motor home, slamming the door shut.

  “Uh oh,” said Heather, “hear that?”

  “I don’t hear anything,” said John.

  “Precisely,” said Heather. “This could be bad if she’s in one of her slow burns.”

  “Want to ride with us?” asked Ricky.

  “Nah, poor Grandpa’s the one that’ll get it, if it comes before three,” she said.

  *

  “Aren’t you going to answer your phone?” asked Ricky. They were back on the main highway. “That’s the tenth time it’s rung.”

  “I don’t feel like talking right now,” answered Danielle.

  “Pool Guy?” he asked.

  “Probably.”

  Ricky leaned forward to look past Danielle. “So, John, what’s your gig?”

  “I am a writer doing a story.”

  “Really, how much you getting paid?” Ricky’s attention was stirred.

  Danielle looked at John, and with her eyes indicated for him to watch out.

  “The money is not important,” John said.

  “Ah,” Ricky replied, sitting back and nodding his head in appreciation of John’s dedication. “If it’s something you truly love, it should be enough to just accomplish the work. I like that. We’ll have to talk.”

  “Leave him alone, Ricky,” Danielle said. “He’s not going to fall for any of your schemes.”

  “I have something that might interest him, that’s all,” Ricky told Danielle. “It’s not right that you interfere. He’s a man; let him make his own decisions.” Ricky leaned forward to look over at John again. “Right, pal?”

  “Yes, I think you are right about that,” John said, but he winked secretly at Danielle so Ricky could not see it. Danielle smiled and nodded her head with approval. It was about time one of Ricky’s operations was put down on paper.

  *

  “It’s getting hot,” Danielle said. She flipped the air conditioner on, and a blast of hot air mixed with a shot of dust hit her square in the face.

  “Goddamn it!” she sputtered, spitting dust out of her mouth. “It figures the damn air conditioner is broken, and it’s getting hotter than hell in here.”

  “Well, don’t roll the window down. My joint won’t stay lit,” said Ricky.

  “I don’t give a damn about your joint. It’s getting hot in here.”

  “Something is flapping behind us,” said John.

  “Oh no, that damn mattress is coming loose, again. We’d better pull over,” Danielle said with disgust.

  “Not yet,” said Ricky. “Let’s just make it to the next town up there and then we can stop someplace.”

  “Can you see back there, John? What’s happening?” asked Danielle.

  “All I can see is the mattress, and it seems to be coming off again.”

  “Goddamn it, Ricky, I told you, you didn’t get it on good the last time!”

  “I’ve put that thing back up there three times, and I’m getting sick of it.”

  “There it goes!” yelled John.

  “Oh, great!” yelled Ricky, slamming on the brakes, throwing Danielle and John into the dash.

  “Damn it, Ricky, be careful!”

  They all got out. One end of the mattress had dragged on the roadway before it fell completely off and there was a large hole in the corner.

  “Fuckin’ mattress! That’s it!” said Ricky, jumping up and down.

  “What do we do now?” asked Danielle.

  “It’s ruined,” he yelled, still jumping and flapping his arms around like a deranged person. “I’m not putting it back up there again. That’s it!”

  “We can’t just leave it here. Besides, what are we going to sleep on?”

  “Somebody will pick it up,” he said, a little calmer now.

  “Hey, the rest of its okay, and it’s an expensive bed. I’ll bet we can sell it,” said Danielle.

  “I’m not lugging that thing back on top of the camper again,” Ricky protested.

  “We’ll just sell it here,” she said.

  “Do you think someone will stop?” asked Ricky, suddenly interested now that a dollar might be possible.

  “Hey, it’s worth a shot. I’m not for wrestling it back up there either,” said Danielle. “What do you think, John?”

  “If it could be sold, it would certainly make things easier,” he agreed.

  “Atta boy, John. Thinking like a Walnut already,” added Ricky.

  *

  The three of them got the rest of the bed set off the camper, found a piece of cardboard, and made a For Sale sign.

  The traffic going by was curious. Everyone slowed down to look; some even honked, at the spectacle by the roadside—three people lying on a bed, calmly sharing a bottle of wine. A half-hour had passed, however, and they still had no sale. No one seemed interested enough to stop.

  “Damn it’s getting hot,” Danielle said, getting crabby.

  “Want to just leave it?” asked Ricky. “I’m sick of this. We aren’t going to make any money on this deal.”

  “Nah, just a little bit longer,” she said. “Somebody’s bound to stop. Besides, it would be nice to get some money for Mom and Dad. They aren’t going to be too happy about this.”

  “I’m not giving them anything,” declared Ricky. “I’ve had to do all the wor
k. Besides, even if somebody does stop, we’re not going to get much.”

  “Hell, I don’t know about you,” she added, “but I’m getting hungry, and come to think about it, just a free lunch would work for me.”

  “Hey, this pickup is slowing down,” she said. “Run up there and stop them.” She slapped Ricky’s thigh to make him hurry.

  He jumped off the bed and waved the For Sale sign over his head. The pickup was slowing, but it looked like it was just another looky-loo until the driver, a cowboy, got past the headboard and saw Danielle stretched out on the bed. He pulled over to the shoulder and stopped. He got out of the truck and started strutting toward them, the way macho cowboys do when there is a pretty lady watching.

  “What you fellers selling?” he said in a slow, cowboy drawl.

  “The bed,” said Ricky.

  “What about the gal?” the cowboy asked a big toothy grin on his face. He pushed his cowboy hat back smartly and nodded at Danielle.

  “You couldn’t possibly afford her,” said Ricky, laughing.

  “I just might have more money than you think,” he crowed confidently

  “You’re still terribly short, Tex,” said Danielle.

  “Well, if that’s your attitude—”

  The cowboy stopped and looked like he was going to turn around.

  “Wait,” said Danielle. “We’re tired of putting the damn thing back on top of the camper.” She got up from the bed. “Do us a favor,” she said sweetly, “and take it off our hands.”

  “Well, I’ll tell you what,” said the cowboy, “I have some plumbs and crookneck squash in those crates.” He pointed back to his truck. “One of each and twenty-five dollars?”

  “We’ll take it!” Danielle and Ricky yelled in unison.

  *

  Ricky, Danielle, and John walked around Wanda’s house to the back porch, where Jed, Martha, and Heather were talking. Ricky and John were each carrying a crate.

  “What happened to you?” asked Martha. “You’re all sunburnt. And what took you so long? We’ve been here for an hour.”

  “We had a little trouble, but we brought you some of those plums you love,” said Danielle. Ricky and John put the crates down on the edge of the porch next to Jed.

  “Hey, these are the good ones,” he said, picking up a plum.

  Martha looked suspiciously at Ricky and Danielle. “I know you two didn’t spring for those. What’s the catch?”

  “Ah, I’m insulted,” said Danielle. “We get you some of your favorite plums and you doubt us?”

  “I repeat—what’s the catch?”

  Wanda called from inside the house. “Hey, Dad, I thought you said they were bringing a bed for us?”

  “What?” shouted Jed. He jumped up immediately and ran to the corner of the house, where he could see the camper. He turned back toward the porch.

  “Okay, what happened to the bed?”

  “We sold it,” said Danielle.

  “What?” he shouted again. “What the hell were you thinking? That bed cost us fifteen hundred dollars!”

  “It wouldn’t stay tied to the truck,” explained Danielle. “What else could we do?”

  “You could have thought of something,” shouted Martha.

  “We did . . . We sold it.” Danielle laughed.

  “Something to get it here, smart-ass,” growled Jed.

  “We tied it back on three times, but it just kept slipping off. We didn’t know what to do with it,” said Ricky.

  “That was a brand-new bed, and you just sold it? Where?” yelled Martha.

  “On the side of the road, because it wouldn’t stay on the camper.” Danielle was tired of explaining. “I already told you.”

  “Well, where’s the money?” asked Jed with his hand out. “How much did you get?”

  “Enjoy the plumbs and squash,” said Danielle.

  “What?” yelled Jed. “A few plums for a valuable bed like that!”

  “Don’t forget the squash,” she added. “And, actually, it wasn’t that valuable because it had a big hole in it.”

  “It did not!” yelled Martha.

  “Yes it did.”

  “It didn’t when we put it on the truck,” said Martha.

  “It was dragging a little bit, I guess, before we noticed it had fallen off,” Danielle confessed.

  “What?” yelled Jed. “You clowns dragged a hole in that expensive mattress!”

  “It fell of the truck. It wasn’t our fault,” said Ricky.

  “Yeah! If you’re looking for someone to blame, talk to the guy that tied it on the camper in the first place.” Danielle shot a look at Jed, who started shaking his head.

  “All you got was some plums and a box of crookneck squash,” Jed said, beaten.

  “We didn’t think anybody else was going to stop, so we took the first offer,” she explained. “You should really thank us for at least trying. It’s not easy to sell a bed on the side of the road, especially with a hole in it.”

  “That’s for sure,” added Ricky. “The only reason anybody finally did stop was this guy saw the For Sale sign and was hoping it was Danielle we were trying to get rid of.”

  “Well, at least there might have been some profit “there”,” said Martha.

  “What makes you think we would have gotten any part of that deal either?” asked Jed. “You know these two.”

  “I resent that!” said Ricky. “You make it sound like I’m only a taker.”

  “You are only a taker,” proclaimed Wanda, walking out to the porch. She was a little older than Danielle, resembled Ricky, and was extremely attractive, like all the Walnuts. “You have never given up anything unless there was a catch.”

  “I gave you that beautiful German shepherd,” he countered.

  “Ricky, you tried to get fifty bucks from me. The only reason I ended up with it was there was no one else to palm it off on. And by the way, that dog ate the seats out of my beautiful old Buick Riviera. And how come you’re going to Red’s wedding?” she added suspiciously.

  “No reason,” answered Ricky. “I just thought it would be nice to see him again.”

  “I don’t think Red is going to be too happy seeing you because of the hookers,” said Wanda.

  “He wanted to charge me rent. I had to do something to make a few bucks,” said Ricky.

  “Try getting a job once in a while,” Martha offered.

  “Mother,” said Danielle, laughing, “don’t be talking foolishness.”

  “Well, if you want to know the truth, Red wasn’t all that upset,” said Ricky.

  “Yeah, that’s because, according to The Tomato, he had the hots for one of your girls,” added Wanda.

  “The Tomato, that’s Red’s wife-to-be,” Danielle told John. “She was also propositioned by the neighbor, who was hoping she might be some of Ricky’s merchandise.”

  “I think Red and The Tomato got over the call girl thing, but I don’t know about the other fiasco,” commented Wanda.

  “Ricky had set up a little business growing pot on Red’s ranch,” Danielle explained.

  “He smokes it too,” added Ricky.

  “Ricky,” said Wanda, “he thought you were growing a couple plants, not a couple acres.”

  *

  “Anything about the bathroom from Grandma?” Danielle asked Heather. Martha and Jed had gone inside, leaving Ricky, Danielle, Wanda, Heather, and John out on the porch.

  Heather smiled. “Nope, not a word.”

  “Boy, we got her good, huh?” added Ricky.

  “Yep.”

  “What are you talking about?” asked John.

  “The bathroom at the old gas station,” said Danielle. “Let me explain. My mother can be a real bear if you cross her, but if you can put one over on her like we did and there’s no logical place for her to go with it, it will never be spoken of again.”

  “You got one over on her?” asked Wanda.

  “We did,” Danielle said proudly.

  “
Tell me about it?”

  “Hey, I’m getting hungry,” said Ricky. “Tell her later.”

  “I don’t really have enough of anything to feed all of you,” Wanda said.

  “You knew we were all coming,” criticized Ricky.

  “Everyone always wants something different,” complained Wanda.

  “Well, let’s go to that Mexican place,” suggested Danielle. “They always have good food.”

  “Well, we can try,” said Wanda.

  Chapter 9

  “Think they remember us?” asked Heather, as they waited to get a table.

  “I don’t know, it’s been a couple of years,” said Danielle. She turned to John. “I think we’ve been kicked out of this place every time we’ve come up here.”

  An important looking guy came over. “We’re clearing a spot for you now,” he said, eyeing the Walnuts.

  “It’s not as bad as it sounds,” Jed told John. “We’ve spent a lot of money in here.”

  “We should be okay this trip,” said Danielle. “We’ll only be here two days and it usually takes about a week for something serious to transpire.”

  “Mother,” said Heather, “if I remember correctly, the second night we were in here Uncle Ricky got caught smoking pot with the kitchen staff.”

  “Yeah, but if you remember correctly, it wasn’t until two days later, when they caught him shacked up with the waitress, that we got kicked out.”

  “Oh yeah, that’s right.”

  Heather gestured to the important-looking man. “Hey, isn’t that guy the owner?”

  “Yeah, and if I remember correctly, he was married to that waitress.”

  Danielle looked at Ricky, who was calm as could be.

  “I don’t see her around, so don’t worry,” he said.

  “I have your table ready,” said the owner, still looking at the Walnuts like he was sure he knew them from somewhere.

  *

  Martha targeted Steve, Wanda’s husband, as soon as they were seated. “So, Steve, what the hell are you up to these days?”

  Wanda sat back with a sigh, her shoulders slumping like it was going to be a long night.

  Steve didn’t respond, hoping his silence would detract Martha’s attention. But she just sat and glared at him.

  “Well?” she finally added.

  Steve sort of sighed, and then admitted, “I’m looking for a job.”

  Jed responded with a strangled laugh.