Mad About the Boy

  11 p.m. Heaven is rewarding me today. Roxster just tweeted again.

 

  Aww. He’s been thinking about it. He’s so gorgeous and nice. Tweeted back:

 

 

  Tuesday 22 January 2013

  133lb (still!), number of outfits tried on and thrown on floor 12, tweets sent when supposed to be getting ready 7 (very stupid), though Twitter followers 698 (advantages of live-action tweeting must be weighed against disadvantages of lateness).

  6.30 p.m. Right. Almost ready. Talitha, Jude and Tom are primed about where I am going and standing by to rescue me in case anything goes wrong. Determined not to make same mistake this time and be late. Only thing is, cannot help self from tweeting as I get ready. Is almost as if I have duty to all followers to let them know what I’m doing all the time.

 

  Wow – lots of responses and @ mentions:

 

  Humph. Right. We’ll see about him.

 

  6.45 p.m. Shit shit, have put waterproof mascara on lips as same Laura Mercier packaging as lip gloss and will not come off. Oh God. Am going to be late with black lips.

  7.15 p.m. OK. In minicab now, still rubbing at lips. Have time for a few more tweets.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  Roxster was indeed gorgeous, was even more handsome than his photo but, crucially, merry-looking. He looked as if he was going to burst out laughing all the time. ‘Hellooo.’ Was just about to instinctively reach for my phone to tweet when he put his hand on top of mine on my phone . . .

  ‘No tweeting.’

  ‘I haven’t . . .!’ I said insanely.

  ‘Jonesey, you’ve been twatting or twunking all the way here. I’ve been reading it.’

  DATE WITH TOY BOY

  Tuesday 22 January 2013 (continued)

  I shrank down sheepishly into my coat. Roxster laughed.

  ‘It’s all right. What would you like to drink?’

  ‘White wine, please,’ I said sheepishly, instinctively reaching for the phone.

  ‘Very good. And I’m going to have to confiscate this until you’ve settled down.’

  He took my phone, put it in his pocket and summoned the waitress, all in one easy movement.

  ‘Is that so you can murder me?’ I said, eyeing his pocket with a mixture of arousal and alarm, thinking that if I needed to summon Tom or Talitha I would have to wrestle him to the ground and lunge at it.

  ‘No. I don’t need the phone to murder you. I just don’t want it being tweeted live to the breathless Twitterati.’

  As he turned his head I guzzled the spectacle of the fine lines to his profile: straight nose, cheekbones, brows. His eyes were hazel and twinkly. He was so . . . young. His skin was peachy, his teeth white, his hair thick and shiny, slightly too long to be fashionable, brushing his collar. And his lips had that fine white line outlining them that only young people have.

  ‘I like your glasses,’ he said as he handed me the wine.

  ‘Thank you,’ I said smoothly. (They’re progressive glasses so I can see out of them normally and also read. My idea in wearing them was that he wouldn’t notice I was so old that I needed reading glasses.)

  ‘Can I take them off?’ he said, in a way that made me think he meant . . . clothes.

  ‘OK,’ I said. He took them off and put them on the bar, brushing my hand slightly, looking at me.

  ‘You’re much prettier than your photo.’

  ‘Roxster, my photo is of an egg,’ I said, slurping at the wine, remembering too late that I was supposed to sit back and let him look at me stroking the stem of the wine glass arousingly.

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Weren’t you worried I might turn out to be a sixteen-stone cross-dresser?’

  ‘Yes. I’ve got eight of my mates planted in the bar to protect me.’

  ‘That’s spooky,’ I said, ‘I’ve got a parade of hit men lined up in all the windows across the street in case you try to murder me and then eat me.’

  ‘Have they all been fartaged?’

  I was just taking a slurp of wine and laughed in the middle, then choked with the wine still in my mouth, and sick started coming up my throat.

  ‘Are you all right?’

  I waved my hand around. My mouth was a mixture of sick and wine. Roxster gave me a handful of paper napkins. I made my way to the loos, holding the napkins over my mouth. Got inside just in time and spurted the sick/wine into the washbasin, wondering if I should add ‘Do not be sick in own mouth at start of date’ to the Dating Rules.

  I washed my mouth out, remembering with relief that there was a kid’s toothbrush somewhere at the bottom of my handbag. And some gum.

  When I got out Roxster had found us a table and was looking at his phone.

  ‘I thought I was supposed to be the one who was obsessed with vomit,’ he said, without looking up. ‘I’m just tweeting your followers all about it.’

  ‘You’re not?’

  ‘Noooo.’ He handed me back my phone and started laughing. ‘Are you all right?’ He was laughing so much now he could hardly speak. ‘Sorry, I just can’t believe you were sick in your own mouth on our first date.’

  In the midst of giggling, I realized he had just said ‘our first date’. And ‘first’ clearly implied that there would be others in spite of sick-in-own-mouth.

  ‘Are you going to fart next?’ he said, just as the waiter arrived with the menus.

  ‘Shut up, Roxster,’ I giggled. I mean, honestly, he did have a mental age of seven, but it was fun because it made me feel so at home. And maybe this was someone who wouldn’t be completely appalled by the bodily functions on display in our household.

  As we opened the menus, I realized I didn’t have my glasses any more.

  I looked at the blurry letters, panicking. Roxster didn’t notice. He seemed completely overexcited by the food. ‘Mmm. Mmm. What are you going to have, Jonesey?’

  I stared at him like a rabbit caught in headlights.

  ‘Everything all right?’

  ‘I’ve lost my glasses,’ I mumbled sheepishly.

  ‘We must have left them on the bar,’ he said, getting up. Marvelling at his impressive young physique, I watched him go to where we had been standing, look around, and ask the barman.

  ‘They’re not there,’ he said, coming back, looking concerned. ‘Are they expensive ones?’

  ‘No, no, it’s fine,’ I lied. (They were expensive ones. And I really liked them.)

  ‘Would you like me to read the menu to you? I could cut up your food for you as well if you like.’ He started laughing. ‘Have to watch out for your teeth.’

  ‘Roxster, this is a very undesirable line of teasing.’

  ‘I know, I know, I’m sorry.’

  After he’d read me the menu, I tried to remember the Dating Rules, rubbing my finger delicately up and down the stem of the wine glass, but there didn’t seem
to be any point, as Roxster already had my knee between his strapping young thighs. Realized, even in the midst of excitement, was DETERMINED to find the glasses. Is so easy to let something like that go out of sexual distraction and embarrassment and they were really, really nice glasses.

  ‘I’m just going to look under the bar stool,’ I said, when we’d ordered.

  ‘But your knees!’

  ‘Stoppit.’

  We both ended up crawling about under the stools. A pair of very young girls, who were sitting where we had been, were very snotty about it. Suddenly felt myself dying with embarrassment at being on a date with a toy boy and forcing him to look under young girls’ legs for my reading glasses.

  ‘There aren’t any glasses, OK?’ said one of the girls, staring at me rudely. Roxster rolled his eyes then dived under her knees again, saying, ‘Just while I’m down here . . .’ and began groping around on the floor. The girls were unamused. Roxster reared up triumphantly, brandishing the glasses.

  ‘Found them,’ he said and put them on my nose. ‘There you are, darling.’

  He kissed me pointedly on the lips, gave the girls a look, and led me back to the table while I tried to recover my composure, hoping he couldn’t taste the sick.

  Conversation seemed to flow quite effortlessly. His real name is Roxby McDuff and he does work for the eco-charity, met Talitha on the show, and jumped across from Talitha’s Twitter to my Twitter. ‘So you just, like, follow cougars?’

  ‘I don’t like that expression,’ he said.

  ‘It implies the hunter, rather than . . . the hunted.’

  My discombobulation must have been obvious, because he added softly, ‘I like older women. They know what they’re doing a bit more. Have a bit more to say for themselves. How about you? What are you doing out with a younger man off Twitter?’

  ‘I’m just trying to widen my circle,’ I said airily.

  Roxster looked straight at me, without blinking. ‘I can certainly help you with that.’

  JOY MIXED WITH SICK

  Tuesday 22 January 2013 (continued)

  When it was time to go, we stood awkwardly in the street.

  ‘How are you going to get back?’ he said, which instantly made me feel a bit sad, because obviously he wasn’t planning to come back with me, even though obviously I wouldn’t have asked him to. Obviously.

  ‘Taxi?’ I said. He looked surprised. Realized I only ever come out into Soho with Talitha, Tom and Jude and we always share a taxi but that that must seem helplessly extravagant to a young person. There were, however, no taxis to be found.

  ‘Do you want me to summon a helicopter, or should we get the tube? Do you know how to get the tube?’

  ‘Of course I do!’ I said. But to be honest, it was all unfamiliar, being in the crowds of Soho late at night without the friends. It was quite exciting, though, as Roxster took my arm and led me to Tottenham Court Road tube.

  ‘I’ll see you down,’ he said. When we got to the barriers I realized I didn’t have my Oyster card. I tried to pay at the machines, but it was all impossible.

  ‘Come here,’ he said, taking out a spare card, swiping me through the barriers and leading me to the right platform. The train was approaching.

  ‘Quick, give me your mobile number,’ he said. ‘I now haven’t murdered you.’

  I gave it to him really quickly and he typed it in. The doors were opening, people were pouring out.

  Then quite suddenly, as if from nowhere, Roxster kissed me on the lips. ‘Mmm, sick,’ he said.

  ‘Oh, no! But I brushed my teeth.’

  ‘You brought a toothbrush? Are you always sick on your dates?’

  Then seeing my horrified expression he laughed and said, ‘You don’t taste of sick.’ People were crushing themselves into the train. He kissed me again, gently, looking at me with his merry hazel eyes, then again this time with the mouth a little open, then delicately finding my tongue with his. This was MUCH better than stupid Leatherjacketman with his sex-crazed—

  ‘Quick, the doors are closing!’ He pushed me towards the train and I squeezed in. The doors closed and I watched him as the train pulled out, just standing there, smiling to himself: gorgeous, gorgeous toy boy.

  Came up from the tube into Chalk Farm, euphoric and completely over-aroused. There was a ping on text. It was from Roxster.

 

  Texted back:

  No reply. I shouldn’t have put the thing about the sick.

  Another text!

 

 

  11.40 p.m. Just bustled Chloe out of the house, rather rudely, so could carry on texting.

  Here it comes! I love being back in the world of flirting again. It’s so romantic. Oh.

 

  Sent back:

  Long pause. Oh no. That was the wrong tone. Not flirty. Schoolmistress. Blown it already.

  11.45 p.m. Just went upstairs to check the children: Billy beautiful, asleep with Horsio. Mabel snuggled up, head on back to front, with Saliva. Never mind. I’m rubbish at dating but at least I’m keeping the children alive.

  11.50 p.m. Rushed back downstairs to check phone. Nothing.

  This is all wrong. Am a single mother, cannot afford to be tossed this way and that by vagaries of texting total stranger young enough to be legal son.

  11.55 p.m. Text just came.

 

  Surge of happiness. But then realized he hadn’t suggested another date. Should I reply or leave it? Leave it. Jude says you should always be the last one in the texting thread.

  11.57 p.m. I wish he was here, I wish he was here. Though of course would never bring a young whippersnapper man back to the house. Obviously.

  Wednesday 23 January 2013

  5.15 a.m. Such a good job he isn’t here. Mabel just burst into my bedroom with a loud clatter. Only instead of being in pyjamas with her head on back to front she was fully dressed in her school uniform. Poor little thing, I think she was so obsessed with me creating the appearance of lateness, by being flappy in the mornings, that she decided to get dressed well in advance. I do see her point, but the thing is, when Chloe does the school run, she arrives at 7 a.m. all shiny and fully dressed, calmly helps the children to dress, prepares breakfast, allows them to watch TV without becoming randomly infuriated by the plot lines and overexcited high-pitched screaming on SpongeBob SquarePants then has them out of the door by eight and waiting on the wall when the school door opens.

  I mean, I did all that yesterday and we were on the wall, freakishly, by 8.05, which I guess was good? Spending ten minutes sitting on a wall? I suppose it improves social interaction with the other parents.

  Anyway, I snuggled her down to sleep in all her clothes, finally got back to sleep myself, then slept through the alarm.

  GETTING TO SECOND DATE

  Thursday 24 January 2013

  9.15 p.m. Children are asleep. Almost forty-eight hours have passed since Roxster’s last text.

  Determined not to ask for friends’ advice because – cf. Dating Rules – if I need friends to orchestrate the whole relationship there is clearly something wrong with it.

  9.20 p.m. Just called Talitha and read her Roxster’s last text.

 

  ‘And you left it at that?’

  ‘Yes. He didn’t suggest meeting again or anything. It’s like he was saying he had a great time and drawing a line under it.’

  ‘Oh, darling.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘What am I going to do with you? How long is it since
he sent this text?’

  ‘Two days.’

  ‘TWO DAYS? And he sent it at night, at the end of the date? OK. Hang on. Put this.’

  Text pinged up from Talitha.

 

  ‘It’s really good – but “What are you up to?” Isn’t that a bit . . .?’

  ‘Don’t overthink it. Just send it. Frankly, I won’t blame him if he takes three days to reply out of pique.’

  I sent it. Then regretted it at once and headed for the fridge.

  Just as I’d taken out a bag of grated cheese and the wine bottle the text pinged.

 

 

 

  Roxster is fantastic. I don’t even need to text Talitha or check Dating Rules to see if that’s an invitation. It is! It definitely is! Oh no, but it’s St Oswald’s House Hard-Hats-Offing this weekend. And I can’t tell Roxster my mum’s in a retirement community because his mum might be the same age as me.

 

  Then, remembering I had to make it easy for him to create a date, I added:

 

  There was a worrying pause.