Dear Bridget, I Want You

  “I’m sorry, Mum. Forgive my language.”

  My father was much more easy-going. “Clearly, son, this situation is making things complicated for you. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision, and if your dear old Dad’s opinion matters at all to you, for what it’s worth, I think the right decision is to take the job.”

  The following night, I met some of my old friends at a bar in London.

  It had been a long time since I’d gone out drinking. The flashing lights, the loud music, and the crowd were making me a bit uneasy.

  My voice became hoarse from talking too loud. Even though I was enjoying catching up with friends I hadn’t seen in years, I was finding it really difficult to relax.

  I couldn’t believe I only had a few days to make a decision. It wasn’t just a matter of a job. I felt like my entire existence was riding on this, like I was at the biggest crossroads of my life. There were two incredibly different paths I could take, and the decision I would make in the next few days would impact me forever.

  It was too much to handle. Abruptly saying goodbye to my friends, I left the bar feeling lost. I didn’t want to go back to my parents’ home, didn’t want to talk to them about this anymore, since my mother, in particular, didn’t understand my dilemma.

  An hour later, I found myself at Heathrow Airport, boarding a short flight to a place I’d never thought I would have the courage to visit again. Somehow, I knew I needed to be there in order to make this decision.

  Calliope’s parents no longer owned the Scotland lake house that we stayed at when Blake’s accident happened. So, I chose a small inn that was the closest in proximity.

  Legend had it that this lake had its very own monster, similar to Loch Ness. I tried not to think about that. There were enough bad thoughts associated with it as it was.

  Since I had arrived in the wee hours of the morning, I slept a bit at the inn before heading to the lake early to spend some time there. The plan was to fly right back to London early this evening.

  I chose a spot off of the loch near the area where I remembered the accident happening.

  Sitting at the end of a pier, I looked up at the sky.

  “You’re probably wondering what the fuck I’m doing here now. I know I should’ve come a long time ago. I just didn’t have the bollocks to face you, really.”

  Taking a deep breath in, I continued, “Anyway, I suspect you can see everything that’s been happening. I often wonder what you would think of me and of my decisions in life, if you’d be proud or if you’d be angry because I’m living life when you can’t.”

  Straining to fight the tears in my eyes, I said, “That’s the thing, Blake. Whenever I feel happiness, it’s always bittersweet, because a part of me will always feel like I don’t deserve it. It should have been me or at the very least, I should have stopped us from going out on that boat. If I could change only one thing, it would be that. We could have done something else that night, lit a fire—anything. I would give my life to take that night back. I hope you know that. I love you so much.”

  My tears finally fell. The last time I fully sobbed like this was at his funeral.

  “I’ve tried to do what I could to live a life you’d be proud of, to take care of people, save people. I couldn’t save you, but I can save someone else in your memory. That’s the best I could come up with.”

  After my tears dried, I sat in silence for a while before I resumed talking to him.

  “I’m sure you’ve seen Bridget. The one with the best arse. Yeah…her. If you were here, I’d definitely ask for your advice on what to do. The truth is, I know a lot of my hesitation when it comes to her—getting close to her son, ironically, has everything to do with you—my fear of hurting them, like I hurt you. I failed to protect you and I’m sorry. I know I have no right to ask you for guidance, but I do like to think of you as my guardian angel. So, if you can find the time to give me your opinion, that would be brilliant. If not, I can go fuck myself. That’s okay, too. As long as you’re okay, brother—wherever you are. As long as you’re okay…that’s all that matters.”

  I stayed at the same spot at the edge of the pier the entire morning. The longer I stayed, the more comfortable I was there. The loch was no longer the scary, murky place I’d remembered. The sun was even trying to peek through the clouds.

  At one point, I took out my phone to check if I had any messages. My parents had texted to check in on me. I’d told them where I was going.

  I hadn’t heard from Bridget, not that I’d expected to. It dawned on me that yesterday was the day of Brendan’s party. Bridget didn’t post on Facebook much, only when there was an event involving her son.

  I checked her page to see if she had posted any photos. Sure enough, there was an entire album of pictures titled Brendan’s 9th Birthday.

  Scrolling through, I couldn’t help but smile. There were pictures of Brendan running around with giant water guns with his friends. Bridget had also rented an inflatable slide.

  I stopped at a photo of Bridget and Brendan that nearly took my breath away. She was wearing a blue strapless dress that really brought out her eyes. Her caramel-colored hair was straighter than normal. I had never really noticed how deep her dimples were. She and Brendan both looked really happy.

  Keeping my focus on the picture, I tried to imagine what it would be like years down the line to have to look at photos like this, what it would feel like to see her inevitably moving on. There was no doubt in my mind that if she put herself out there, that someone would snag her quickly. She hadn’t a clue how attractive she really was.

  How would it feel, Simon?

  How would it feel to truly walk away from her? From them? Forever.

  I couldn’t describe in words how it would feel. But I was experiencing it in my body. That rush of adrenaline and panic. The anger inside of me that always developed when I thought about her with another man.

  Then there was Brendan. He deserved someone who wanted to be a father to him—not a big, goofy friend. A father. I didn’t feel good enough for that role. But did I want it?

  Stopping for a moment to look up at the sky, I got chills because there was a faint rainbow forming. It hadn’t even rained.

  I continued to scroll through the pictures from Brendan’s party, laughing at myself for thinking I was going to somehow find the answer to my dilemma in a Pokémon piñata.

  Bridget had really gone all out. She’d even had place settings featuring the names of each boy written on a piece of folded paper with a different Pokémon character next to the name. She’d taken a separate, close-up photo of each one.

  It wasn’t until the last name that I realized maybe I was getting my answer in a Pokémon party after all.

  BLAKE.

  I couldn’t wait to see her.

  Straight from the airport, I drove to Bridget’s house. She’d be leaving to pick up Brendan from school in less than a half-hour, but there was no way I could wait. Which reminded me, I needed to have more sympathy for the addicts that came into the ER. Having never experienced being hooked on anything my entire life, I was generally not empathetic when they came in seeking something to hold them over until their next fix. But I sure as shit could use a Valium myself right now. I had all the signs of addiction—craving and compulsion, loss of appetite, disrupted sleep patterns, spending an inordinate amount of time planning the next fix in my head, and lying to myself that I didn’t need my drug. When I pulled up in front of her house, my hands even began to shake. Totally fucking addicted.

  There was a black pick-up truck parked in front of her house. I hoped she didn’t have company. Even though I still had my key and would have liked to sneak up on her, I knocked and waited.

  She answered wearing the most gorgeous smile. “Simon! What are you doing here? I thought you were in London for a few more days?”

  I responded by pulling her to me for the biggest hug. Although my heart was beating out of my chest still, a strange calm came over me whil
e I held her. I imagined it was a lot like a junkie who took a hit after a long period of going cold turkey. A physical sigh rolled through my body. And God, she smelled incredible—like lilies and orchids. Oddly, until that moment, I wasn’t even sure I knew what those flowers smelled like. I took a long, deep breath in and out and then lifted her off of her feet before swinging her around in a circle. She giggled and it cemented my decision. This. This is the sign I needed.

  “God, I missed you, Bridget.”

  “I could tell. I think you might’ve broken a rib—you’re squeezing me so hard.”

  “Oh. Shit. Sorry.” I reluctantly set her back down on her feet.

  “It’s fine. I’m teasing. But what are you doing back so soon?”

  “I have some pressing things I need to do.” You.

  We were still standing in the doorway when something caught my eye over her shoulder—a man had walked into the kitchen. He was coming from the hall that leads to Bridget’s bedroom. My blood pressure shot up. I pointed with my chin. “Who’s that?”

  Bridget turned. “Oh, that’s Nolan.”

  “Did he just come from your bedroom?”

  “Yes. I’ve had him locked up in there for two days. He’s doing some work for me.”

  “Let’s go inside.” I wrapped my fingers around Bridget’s hip and guided her into the kitchen.

  Nolan was probably a few years older than me—Bridget’s age, I’d guess. He was also pretty damn good looking—for an asshole.

  “Nolan, this is Simon, my…” she hesitated. “…Simon was my tenant. He used to live here in the converted garage.”

  Nolan’s eyes zoned in on the hand I had possessively holding her hip and then they lifted to meet mine. He extended his hand, which forced me to let go of Bridget. “Was? So you don’t rent it anymore?”

  I ignored his question and gripped his hand in a shake that was so firm it bordered on assault. “What kind of work are you doing here?”

  Bridget answered. “A pipe burst in the bathroom while I was at work a few days ago. It flooded through the wall of my bedroom. Nolan repaired the pipes and now he’s fixing up the wall that needs to be replaced. He was just finishing up for the day.”

  “Why didn’t you call me?”

  “Umm. Because you were in London, Simon?”

  “Well I’m back. So I can take care of whatever’s not done.”

  Bridget stared at me for a long time. She knew exactly what I was not-so-politely trying to say. After our unspoken exchange, she turned back to Nolan with a full smile. “So, tomorrow morning, then?”

  The asshat smirked. He looked at me and back at Bridget with a grin that I wanted to punch from his face. “Looking forward to it.”

  While Bridget walked the predator out, I went to check out her bedroom. Sure enough, the entire wall that abuts her bathroom had been ripped out and new sheet rock was hung. There was dust all over the place, and the top of the Spackle bucket wasn’t even closed properly.

  “What are you doing, Simon?” Returning to the bedroom, Bridget folded her arms across her chest in the doorway.

  “Shutting the Spackle bucket so Asshat’s mud doesn’t dry up and you aren’t sniffing chemicals all night.”

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  She looked annoyed for some reason. “I didn’t mean what are you doing at this moment. Clearly, I can see you’re shutting a bucket that was fine the way it was. I meant, what are you doing showing up here and acting like some sort of a jealous boyfriend?”

  “Did you see the way that dick was looking at you?”

  “That dick came highly recommended by your friend, Calliope, and he wasn’t looking at me inappropriately. He’s also charging me half the price that the other guy wanted.”

  I scoffed. “That’s because he wants in your pants.”

  “So what if he does, Simon? Why is that your concern, anyway? I’m a big girl and can take care of myself.”

  This was nothing like I’d imagined our reunion going down. I was acting like a dick, but it was only because the thought of any man taking care of Bridget other than me made me insane. “I’m sorry. I’m protective of you. I was being a jerk.”

  “Yes, you were.” Her face softened. “How was your trip?”

  “It was…good. Exactly what I needed, actually.”

  “So, you got the job then?”

  “Yes. I did.”

  Bridget frowned and turned to walk out of the bedroom. She went directly into the bathroom before I could stop her and say more. I waited outside in the hallway. When she didn’t come out after a few minutes, I leaned my head against the door and gently knocked. “Bridget?”

  “What, Simon?”

  “We need to talk.”

  A few minutes later, she opened the door, and I could tell she’d been crying. I’d royally fucked this homecoming up. I had visions of showing up and her falling into my arms. We’d make mad, passionate love, and I’d tell her I was in love with her. Instead, her face was red, eyes were puffy, and I’d acted like a big dick.

  I stood in front of the doorway when she tried to walk out of the bathroom. “I need to go pick up Brendan, Simon.”

  “Okay. But we need to talk. Can I wait for you?”

  “I’m taking Brendan to exchange his birthday present after I pick him up.”

  “What did you get him?”

  “A bike.”

  “Black with flames?”

  Bridget gave me a sad smile. “Blue with a white racing stripe. How did you know what he wanted?”

  “He showed me a picture of it. It’s a really cool bike. Think they make it for six-foot-two dicks?”

  That earned me a real smile. I put two fingers under Bridget’s chin and lifted so she looked into my eyes. “I’m sorry about how I acted. I didn’t mean to be a jerk. Let’s start this day over. I really did miss you. Can I take you to dinner later?”

  “I promised Brendan I’d take him and a friend to Dave & Buster’s after the bike shop. My mom sent him a gift card for his birthday.”

  “Can I tag along? I have a gift for him anyway.”

  Bridget contemplated it for a minute. “Sure. He’d love that. Why don’t you meet us there at seven.”

  Calliope wasn’t home when I arrived at her house, but she was in the kitchen when I walked out of the bathroom after my shower wearing only a towel wrapped around my waist. She shook her head when she saw me.

  “What? I didn’t even say anything yet?”

  “Your abs. I teach twenty yoga classes a week and you, what, bend over to tie your shoes as your workout? Such bullshit.”

  “I exercise.”

  “Not like me, you don’t. Men have it so easy.”

  I shrugged. “A woman without a little body fat and curves looks like a boy anyway.”

  She smiled. “What are you doing home? Did I mix the days up, or were you supposed to come back on Monday?”

  “I came home early.”

  “Everything okay?”

  I nodded. “Got a few minutes to talk?”

  “Sure. But go put some clothes on first. I don’t want your balls slipping out and accidentally touching my kitchen chairs.”

  “Okay. But now you’ve just invited me to sit on your chair naked when you’re not home. I like to air out my balls after a long day of being cooped up in trousers anyway.”

  My friend pointed to my room and barked. “Go!”

  Calliope made tea while I dressed. After, I sat at the table with my balls safely tucked into my pants and sipped as I looked at my friend over the brim. “I got the job in Leeds.”

  “That’s great. Congratulations.”

  “Thank you. I’m not taking it.”

  “What? Why?”

  I set down my tea and looked directly into her eyes. “I can’t leave her.”

  Calliope smiled from ear to ear. “It’s about damn time. I thought I was going to have to stand on a chair and smack you in the head with a two-by-four to knock some sense into
that thick skull.”

  “That’s a little harsh.”

  “You’re pretty damn thick headed. You would’ve barely felt it.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Did you tell Bridget yet?”

  “No. Not yet.”

  Her smiling face grew cautious. “Are you sure about this, Simon? It would kill Bridget if you told her you were staying and then changed your mind six months down the road.”

  “I’m…” I’d never said the words out loud. I took a deep breath and let ‘em rip. “I’m in love with her.”

  Calliope jumped from her chair and practically knocked over mine as she swamped me in a hug. “I’m so damn happy for you two.”

  After she calmed down, I told her about my trip. “I went to the lake.”

  “You did? Jesus, Simon. You’re full of surprises today.”

  “It was a long time coming. I needed to do it.”

  “Yeah. I think you did.” Calliope reached over and took my hand on top of the table. “You’ve dedicated so much of your life to his memory. But it’s time. You can’t write a new story for your life when you won’t let new characters in.”

  We sat in silence for a minute, and I knew we were both thinking of Blake.

  “I better get going. I’m supposed to meet Bridget in a half-hour.”

  “Are you going to tell her tonight?”

  “I plan to. And then I’m going to spackle her bedroom wall.”

  Calliope scrunched up her nose. “I don’t even want to know what that means.”

  “It means I’m a jealous prick, but what’s mine is mine. And no more handyman referrals from you.”

  “This is wicked awesome.” My son’s eyes lit up when he pulled Simon’s gift from the box. The matte black helmet with flames exactly matched the bicycle we’d just picked up. “They didn’t have anything like this at the bike shop.”

  “I got it from a website. They custom make anything you want. I emailed them the picture of the bike, and they made it to match. It has your name inside.”