Beauty Queens

  Agent Jones was stone-faced. “So, in the event of a self-destruct initiation, the only way to stop the sequencing is by making and uploading a full PowerPoint presentation?

  “Yeah. Isn’t that awesome?”

  “No. Not awesome. Change it back.”

  Harris glowered. “Well, I think it’s awesome. I took Advanced PowerPoint last semester. You guys are always misunderestimating me. I’m totally ready to handle the big stuff.”

  “The word is underestimate. And when you’ve got a few more years under your belt, then we’ll talk big stuff, Harris.” Agent Jones forced a smile that he hoped passed for benevolent. His performance reviews all praised his skills but said he lacked warmth. He was not someone anyone wanted to have a beer with.

  Harris made a face. “Did you just cut one? ’Cause you’re making a face like you did.”

  Agent Jones stopped trying to smile. “Briefing in the conference room in five.”

  The fortresslike conference room was an interior room with concrete walls, fluorescent lighting, and ergonomically correct leather chairs that cost five thousand a pop. Agent Jones resented the chairs as much as the lack of Hazelnut coffee. Back before the agency had been bought by The Corporation and privatized, they’d had adequate seating but great benefits. Now, they were lucky to get dental.

  The room filled with the private security detail — the black shirts, as they were called. The Dweeb took a seat and put his sneakered feet on the Brazilian cherry oblong table.

  Agent Jones took a sip of his disappointing coffee. “Kill the lights.”

  A black shirt took out his gun.

  “Not literally, Agent. I meant turn them off.”

  The room dimmed to a hazy gray. Agent Jones pulled down a white screen and plugged in his twenty-five-year-old slide projector. Despite the high-techery available, he preferred the old wheezing machine. He clicked the remote. The fan whirred. On the projection screen was the faded-color image of a short man in a militarized black jumpsuit and huge, blue suede platforms. The man sported oversize sunglasses and a long, fat mustache. He wore an obvious wig, which bore a resemblance to Elvis Presley’s famous pompadour.

  “MoMo B. ChaCha, aka The Peacock. Dictator of the Republic of ChaCha and a very creative dresser. Thief. Murderer. Racked up more human rights violations than Genghis Khan20.”

  “Who?” the Dweeb asked.

  “I thought you went to Yale.”

  “I study business, not Chinese.” Harris snorted.

  Agent Jones exhaled loudly and clicked to a new slide. “The Republic of ChaCha, or the ROC, is one of the richest countries in the world. Incredible natural resources. But we can’t get to those resources because a) our government has levied sanctions against the ROC, so all Corporation interests would be in violation of the Trading with the Enemy Act and b) MoMo B. ChaCha is certifiably insane. This is a man who is so paranoid, his most trusted advisor is a taxidermied former pet named General Good Times.”

  The carousel clicked to a new slide. MoMo B. ChaCha in full military colors inspected his army from a Jeep. Beside him was a stuffed lemur in sunglasses and a general’s hat.

  “But didn’t we put MoMo in power in the first place when the ROC elected a socialist president?” one of the black shirts asked.

  Agent Jones glared at the man until he began to play with his pencil. “In a few weeks, MoMo B. ChaCha will travel to this very island to make an arms deal with The Corporation. As you know, MoMo is not a fan of our country.”

  Agent Jones switched to the big screen and a grainy video of MoMo sitting at his enormous desk, a swivel-hipped Elvis clock ticking behind his bewigged head. “Death to the capitalist pigs! Death to your cinnamon bun–smelling malls! Death to your power walking and automatic car windows and I’m With Stupid T-shirts! The Republic of ChaCha will never bend to your side-of-fries-drive-through-please-oh-would-you-like-ketchup-with-that corruption! MoMo B. ChaCha defies you and all you stand for, and one day, you will crumble into the sea and we will pick up the pieces and make them into sand art.”

  “So why is he doing a deal with us if he hates us so much?” someone asked.

  “MoMo’s been trying to tamp down an insurgency in the ROC. Needs some firepower. We sell him arms; he lets The Corporation set up shop in his country. Covertly, of course.”

  “How’re you going to get those weapons into the country?”

  Agent Jones held up a small, white jar of Lady ’Stache Off.

  “Lady hair remover?” a black shirt asked.

  “Looks like it. Actually, it’s a powerful explosive. Dr. Du’Bious?”

  “We found that if you change one compound in Lady ’Stache Off, it becomes highly unstable. All it needs is a charge of some kind and you’ve got incredible shock-and-awe capabilities,” the scientist explained excitedly.

  “And it leaves your legs baby smooth.” Agent Jones attempted another smile. No one laughed. Agent Jones cleared his throat. “So. We sell MoMo his weapons. And The Corporation gets a foothold in the Republic of ChaCha.”

  A new slide whirred into place. It showed an artist’s colorful rendering of the new ROC, with huge shopping complexes, smiling people in sunglasses toting oversize shopping bags, a Corporation oil rig shining from the blue water in the background. “Violà. The Republic of The Corporation. God bless America.”

  There was a round of applause.

  17Bermes scarf, a highly coveted status symbol. When the Pope chided pop star Magdalene for her collection by saying she could feed a village for a year for the cost of it, she responded, “Yes, but I can t wear a village around my neck.”

  18 Bipolar Bears, The Corporation’s cuddly combination vitamin and mood-leveling drug marketed to tween and teen girls. Bipolar Bears banish bad moods and keep you beauty-queen perfect. Sold in a variety of signature bottles. Collect them all!

  19Ragnaroknroll, an online gaming community whose members meet once a year at a Holiday Inn in Brainerd where they eat reconstituted eggs and stage mock battles. Soon to be a major motion picture with merchandising opportunities out the wazoo.

  20Genghis Khan, thirteenth-century Mongolian ruler. Genocidal maniac. Wearer of very smart hats.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Under Taylor’s direction, her group of girls found their way back to the damaged beach, which resembled a dorm room after an island-themed kegger gone wrong. Broken trees and fractured palm leaves littered the sand. Belongings were strewn about. But the sea was now calm and the sky forgiving. The girls fell into the sand, exhausted and groaning.

  “How long have we been stranded here?” someone asked.

  “About three days,” Miss Ohio answered.

  Mary Lou looked at the hair on her legs. “Four.”

  “All right, Miss Teen Dreamers. Let’s get this place a little cleaned up and get us a signal fire going. Tomorrow morning at sunrise sharp we’ll practice the opening number. Just lettin’ y’all know, we might have to make a few more adjustments to the choreography if the other girls don’t make it back.”

  “I’m so hungry,” Mary Lou mumbled. “So, so hungry.”

  “I can’t move,” Miss Arkansas cried. “I’m too tired.”

  Taylor had already begun clearing plant debris into a tidy pile for burning. “This is not the Miss Teen Dream spirit, ladies.”

  Miss New Mexico tried scooping a handful of sand into her mouth, but Adina stopped her.

  “We need food!” Miss Ohio cried, and the others moaned in agreement.

  “Miss Teen Dreamers. It is time to get ahold of ourselves. Miss Alabama, I did not mean that literally. That is gross. Stop it.” Taylor scooped up seawater in a large shell and poured it over the ends of her hair, rinsing out the mud. “Remember: We are Miss Teen Dreamers. We are not victims. We are not cowards. We are bright shining stars, beacons of hope to all who arrive on the shores of our beauty.”

  Mary Lou pointed to the surf. “There’s an ocean full of fish out there if we could find some way to catch them.
”

  “I hope there’s salmon,” Brittani said. “Salmon has a lot of omega-3. My consultant, Tricia, says it’s really good for your skin and nails.”

  “Right. Because I’m really worried about my FUCKING NAILS AT THIS POINT!” Adina screamed.

  “Language, Miss New Hampshire. You owe me twenty-five cents for that potty mouth.” Taylor took the lip gloss from her zippered pocket and slicked it over her mouth. “Let’s ignore those who would bring us down and affirm, Teen Dreamers: How are we gonna get us some fish?”

  Everyone shouted at once. “We could try grabbing them!” “Fishing pole.” “Laser gun!” “Think positive thoughts!”

  “We could spear them,” Mary Lou offered.

  “With what?” Miss Ohio asked.

  Mary Lou blushed. “Um, with a … spear?”

  “Oh my gosh! My bad. How could I have forgotten to pack my spear for my beauty pageant?” Miss New Mexico snapped. The tray in her forehead shook.

  “Because you probably left it in your competition’s back,” Miss Ohio snarked. Miss Montana high-fived her.

  “Well, your evening gown looks like it was put together in the dark by a bunch of dyslexic sweatshop workers!” Miss Arkansas gave Miss Montana a small shove.

  Miss Montana shoved back. “Oh really? Says the girl with flotation device boobs.”

  “These are one hundred percent real!”

  “So’s Santa.”

  “At least my talent isn’t totally lame,” sniffed Miss Ohio.

  Miss Arkansas laughed a loud HA! “Your talent? Are they letting people perform oral sex in these pageants now?”

  Taylor clapped three times for attention. “Ladies! Ladies! My stars! That’s enough. Now. We all know Miss Arkansas’s girls are fake, Miss Ohio’s easier than making cereal, and Miss Montana’s dress is something my blind meemaw would wear to bingo night. And Miss New Mexico — aren’t you from the chill-out state? Maybe you can channel up some new-age-Whole-Foods-incense calm right about now, because we have a big job ahead called staying alive.”

  “What do we do?” Brittani asked. She lay in the sand with her arm over her forehead.

  “We need something we can use to turn these sticks into spears.”

  “A knife!”

  “A rock!”

  “Two rocks!”

  “Adina’s tongue.”

  “Thanks. Thanks a lot,” Adina snapped.

  Mary Lou pulled something from one of the suitcases. It was egg-shaped and shiny. “Pumice stone?”

  Taylor examined the palm-size foot grater. “Good work, Nebraska. Sparkle Ponies and Lost Girls, start buffing and polishing those sticks into fish-killing machines.”

  “But that could take forever. I’m starving now” Miss Ohio cried.

  “Fine. Desperate times call for desperate measures.” Taylor grabbed a shell and gouged the sand, going deeper and deeper. She reached into the sand and brought up a white, cylindrical bug. It wiggled lazily in her palm. “Who wants to eat first?”

  “What’s that?” Miss Montana asked with obvious distaste.

  “It’s a grub and it’s packed with protein. My daddy said his unit had to survive on these for a whole month once. Who’s going first?”

  Collectively, the girls took a step back.

  “My stars, I thought y’all were hungry and wanted to survive.”

  No one made a move.

  “Well, then. I guess as team leader I will just have to draft someone as a volunteer.” Taylor looked over the girls like a general inspecting the ranks of new recruits. She stopped at Adina. “Miss New Hampshire. Congratulations. You’re the winner.”

  “If you’re so keen on it, why don’t you go first?” Adina asked.

  “Because y’all know I’ll do it,” Taylor answered. “This is about building trust. Take one for the team, New Hampshire.”

  Adina had a memory of Alan and the ridiculous trust-building exercises he conducted for business retreats full of blowhard execs who apparently liked wasting money on glorified corporate camp. Once, Alan had asked her to fall backward with the assurance that he would catch her and that she would see she could trust him. But Adina balked. The only person she trusted was herself. She was not ending up on the floor with a concussion, and she was not, absolutely not, eating that filthy bug in Taylor’s hand just so she could prove her mettle and get a round of high fives from the beauty queen set.

  She crossed her arms over her chest. “No. Sorry. Not doing it.”

  “I’ll do it,” Miss Arkansas volunteered.

  “No. This is about Miss New Hampshire. We are the Miss Teen Dream team. We are only as strong as our weakest link. There is no I in team.”

  “There’s no U in asshole, either, and yet …” Adina muttered.

  “I’m dockin’ you another twenty-five cents for your potty mouth and bad attitude, Miss New Hampshire.”

  “Fine. Let me just go to the JUNGLE ATM TO GET A WITHDRAWAL!”

  Taylor leveled her gaze at Adina. “Do you know what your problem is, Miss New Hampshire?”

  “You mean, besides the fact that my plane crashed on a hostile island, we haven’t eaten in days, you want me to chug a bug, and you keep calling me New Hampshire?”

  “Your problem is not having any trust. You expect the world to fail you, so it does. And then you get all pouty-pants about it. How’s that workin’ out for you, New Hampshire?”

  Adina’s cheeks reddened. “Well, you’re the one who wanted to practice that pageant crap instead of trying to find a way off this island! We should have been looking for food and shelter days ago, trying to build a boat — something other than practicing our goddamned canned responses to stupid questions about our life goals thought up by clueless adults who need their own life goals!”

  Taylor pursed her lips. “Well, like Ladybird Hope says: There’s two ways to look at things — crowns and pimples. For instance, right now, I am coated in a sweater set of sand. I could complain about that nonstop — pimples. Or I could see this as an exciting exfoliation opportunity that will give me the smoothest skin of my life — crowns. And you owe me another twenty-five cents for taking our Lord’s name in vain.”

  “You are truly Satan’s sequined spawn.”

  Taylor held the pale, wriggling grub up to Adina’s face. “So what’s it going to be, New Hampshire?”

  “Adina … Adina … Adina …” the girls chanted.

  Taylor dropped the larva into Adina’s open palm.

  “Adina … Adina … Adina …”

  Adina felt the slimy wetness of the bug in her hand. Her stomach lurched. The chants of her name grew louder. It was like falling, waiting for untested hands to catch her.

  “Oh God …” Adina whimpered. In one quick gulp, she downed the white larva, then fell to her hands and knees, gagging like a cat with a hairball. The girls backed away, giving her space. Finally, Adina staggered to her feet and wiped her mouth. For a moment under the hot sun, she thought she might faint. Or hurl. Or both.

  “Adina?” Mary Lou whispered. “You okay?”

  Adina gave a thumbs-up, and the girls grabbed her in a group hug. They cheered. For me, Adina thought. They were cheering her, and she was hit with a sense of pride and camaraderie she would have found cheesy back home.

  “You’re so brave,” Mary Lou said, hugging her.

  “How was it?” Brittani asked.

  “Not totally awful. It kind of reminded me of French kissing Jake Weinstein and his spelunker tongue.”

  Taylor appraised Adina coolly. “Let’s all give some snaps to New Hampshire.” Taylor clicked her fingers like castanets and the others followed till it sounded like Cinco de Mayo night at the senior home. “All right, Teen Dreamers — start digging for worms. It’s what’s for lunch.”

  Tiara heard singing, and for a moment she thought she was in her room back home listening to Boyz Will B Boyz and waiting for her mom to wake her for her daily weigh-in. Instinctively, she tried to shove her secret snack cake
wrappers under the imaginary mattress, only to feel a caterpillar crawling across her hand, startling her awake. Nicole and Shanti were still passed out, and she definitely heard singing. She walked in the direction of the song, following it till she found a small, bucolic waterfall that fed into a turquoise pond. On the bank lay Petra’s mud-caked clothes.

  Petra stood in the pond, her lithe back to Tiara. She was as skinny as a boy or a supermodel, or a boy supermodel, and Tiara felt a pang of envy that Petra would never have to endure daily weigh-ins or go on juice fasts. She felt bad for spying, though. It wasn’t very nice. Should she make a noise? What if she scared Petra? She was trying to decide the best way to announce herself when Petra, still oblivious to Tiara’s presence, turned and rose from the water, and Tiara made the only sound she could. She screamed.

  “Oh. My. God,” Nicole said.

  “You’re a … you’re not even …” Shanti stammered. “You’re really J. T. Woodland? From Boyz Will B Boyz?”

  Nicole raised an eyebrow. “Not anymore.”

  “I had your poster in my room when I was ten!” Tiara blubbered. “I wrote to your fan club. You sent me a bandanna with your autograph.”

  “I hated those bandannas. They were so cheesy.” Petra pulled her knees close and rested her chin on them.

  “I think you’re missing the salient point here,” Shanti said. “Miss Teen Dream is a girls’ pageant. You are not a girl. Ergo, you are disqualified.”

  “Who says I’m not a girl?”

  “You have a wang-dang-doodle!” Tiara squeaked.

  “Is that all that makes a guy a guy? What makes a girl a girl?”

  And the girls found they could not answer. For they’d never been asked that question in the pageant prep.

  Tiara’s expression was pained. “I don’t mean to offend you, Petra or J. T. or whatever, but my mom says that’s against nature and God.”

  “Maybe you should ask God and nature why they put a girl inside a boy’s body?” Petra shouted to the uncaring sky. “And while you’re at it, maybe you should ask your mom why she thinks it’s not against God and nature to dress her little girl up in garters, spackle her face with makeup, and let her pole dance.”