The Onion Eaters

  ‘Not at all.’

  ‘Nobody knows how an heiress feels. They think o wow you’ve got all that money. Everything must be wonderful. Well it has been wonderful. But not all of it is wonderful if you know what I mean. Hey have you got somewhere we could go more comfortable. I’d like to go there. Because this stone is really turning my kidneys into ice cubes.’

  Clementine climbing behind Gloria. A low slung arse bulging ripely in lavender. Up a ladder leaning against the hay. In under eaves and cobwebbed beams. Sinking down into the dry soft stalks and sweet fumes. Passed a billy goat standing in the courtyard. Only newly arrived out of the blue. Ready to nibble the free pickings between the cobbles.

  ‘This is wonderful. Are you married.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I don’t believe you. But that’s all right. Let’s leave it like it’s your little story. Well I was married. We got estranged right on our wedding night. Hey I’m not keeping you from your guests or anything like that.’

  ‘No, they feel quite at home.’

  ‘O well I guess you would tell me. Anyway it’s swell out here. Like the whole world was inside busy counting their money. And you’re waiting for them to come out again to start shoving and pushing. And all we have to do is just lie here. Well I told you I had a husband. His father never met my father because my father is dead. But my mother who is alive met his mother and father and they should have been dead. They came in their private railway car, we came in ours. You think that’s funny. I’m telling you it was damn serious.’

  ‘Sorry.’

  ‘That’s OK. You know what he said to me. Right on our wedding night. Just because I was having orgasms all over the place. He said you dirty filthy human being. I said me. A dirty filthy human being. I said whoa. Wait a minute you jerk. Well right there it all exploded. I relaxed. I rang room service. I just said bring me coffee and sedatives. I guess it might have been asking him to get in the bathing suit. It was too small. He didn’t believe what was happening to him. Maybe it was the colours red, brown and blue candy stripes. I used to carry it in my bag to give to guys to put on. Hey wait a minute. Why are you so easy to talk to. And furthermore. Why are you listening. Like you were going to print it. But who cares. This is good. You’re good. I can tell. But hey where do you get off with that shit. That spooky scene coming down the staircase. With that nut you call Percival making like it was the last supper. I nearly was going to bust out laughing. Then I thought so what if they believe it. But prince my arse. But wait a minute. That’s intolerant. No. That’s not nice I said that. I ought to be glad I’m lost like I am in this rainy soggy desert. Hey could I stay here. OK you don’t have to answer that yet. You want to hear the rest of my history. I filed for divorce. Wham bam, did my lawyers hit him. Wham bam did his lawyers hit back. Wham bam what a bill he got from my laywers. Six months later I got married again. He was much older. But not eighty. He sold bonds. His grandmother owned a cemetery. He wore narrow ties with little knots when everyone else was wearing them wide with big knots. He was that sort of guy. Marriage lasted three months. He was too old to look good in the bathing suit. After that I tried women. After I tried about sixteen more guys. I carried four different sizes of the bathing suit. Some guys said it wasn’t sanitary looking after a while. Funny the guys struggling to get them on, sneaking glances over at me sneaking looks out from under the sheets. Look any time you want to turn me off, just say. I mean just call me a taxi and I’ll go back to that creepy town. I only got there anyway because I got on the wrong train at the wrong station. Then just as I’m in bed I thought wow it’s the mardi gras. Everyone shouting through the streets. About an ocean liner sunk and hundreds of people adrift in an open boat. It was like a miracle. After I was going out of my mind. Hey I want to come off again. Would you just touch me. Just on the inside of my arm. By the elbow. Yes. There. O man. Hold it. Right there. Just there. I’m going to come.’

  Gloria groaning and churning in the hay. Bats flitting in and out. A breeze through an arched ventilation in the wall. Keep us cool. For more mayhem in the castle. When she hands out the bathing suits. Writhing in orgasms sending sparks off the pubic hairs. In a castle chock full of nuts you’ve got to see that people don’t eat each other.

  ‘Let me ask you a question prince. Do you know the town Sandusky.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘O God. Do you. I mean don’t kid me about a thing like that.’

  ‘Yes I know Sandusky.’

  ‘Wow. You don’t know what that town does to me. That word. Sandusky. It was where Hilda was from. I was pretty casual with her. I’d be talking to room service when she was going down on me. We roared around in a sports car. Slept on trains in each other’s arms. I had a sugar daddy too. He wasn’t like other sugar daddies. He had the biggest pair of balls. But he got ruptured lifting weights in an athletic club. He got scared when I started spending his money. He never knew it could be spent like that He didn’t know the years of practice I had. I’d come back from shopping like I was a supply truck and open his fly with the packages stacked around us and play with him till he was purple in the face. Hilda was trying to blackmail him. His wife was trying to get him certified insane to stop him spending money on me. One day high up he walks out a window. Leaves a note. Four words. It’s cheaper this way. O boy to be free of all that. His wife came after the funeral and smeared dog shit all over my apartment. I mean what did she think I was doing, blowing him in his coffin or something. She had five detectives following me. One of them I gave a piece of ass to and stole his wallet. I laugh when I come to out of the way bergs like this. They could be out there crouched behind the wind swept boulders freezing. I have the funniest feeling. Like there is something strange. Like the silence is getting ready to explode.’

  ‘The west’s awake.’

  ‘You said it. It’s the stink of all the raw onions they’re eating around here. I’m just about ready to come off again. Get’s a little harder each time. I mean I left my bag back in the castle. If you went and got it and tried on the bathing suit we could have some fun.’

  Clementine down the ladder. Out across the cobbles. The billy goat has a goatee. He watches me as I go by. Taking a deep breath. To look up at the bright moonlight splashing over the towering walls. It could be great to get up Gloria.

  One tip toes along. To avoid lurking humans. No easy matter making light conversation. Sparkling with little flatteries cast back and forth. Putting lips to chocolate mints. And chewing with a smile. While the dark wines warm through the blood. And one hopes as a host that no guest will suddenly arise foaming at the mouth.

  In the shadows. Whoops. Someone ahead. Stop. Adjust testicles. Stand still. Snakepit only a short way down the hall. Not the kind of death one wants. Wish I wore parking lights. Percival said there was an x ray Charlie who could glow in the dark. Downed a dram of mild radium. Had himself x rayed from head to toe. Kept the negatives handy like an atlas for all to see. Ready to discuss any inner part of himself or submit to new surveys if the internal situation changed.

  ‘Ah good person. It is you. It is I Erconwald. Suffer me to send greetings through the darkness. And invite you to take a little of the precious distillate that I hasten back to your guests.’

  Clementine taking a swig. Taste of prune juice. Erconwald might have grabbed the wrong bottle in the dark. Could be the lethal laxative. Have the whole castle shitting. Instead of screwing. Moaning instead of groaning. With the runs instead of lust. So sad Erconwald. His lonely life prodding secrets out of the universe. Presented himself on one inclement and chill day. Climbing up the steps of an august society of scientists in the capital. Stood taking his credentials from under various armpits as the rain poured down. To be politely but firmly not received. By all those folk inside gathered together arse deep on the leather cushions. So sure of themselves. With voices pitched high and little letters after their names.

  ‘Erconwald. I’m cracking up.’

  ‘Good person. No. Say not
such words.’

  ‘I am. I need to get out. Do you know somewhere I could stay in the capital.’

  Under a tapestry on a table in the first state room. Gloria’s bag. Awful temptation to look in. And find it full of bathing suits. Give one to Erconwald who promised me an address. And touched my arm gently with sympathy. Wait by the doors of the library. He goes back in again. To where the whole party is cavorting. Look and listen through this massive keyhole. Erconwald handing round a chalice. They’re positively gay in there. Without the castle owner. Looking pained by ruts across the mahogany. Mr Utah up on my desk kicking around on top of the ledgers. Doing a dance for folk. Drunk as a skunk.

  ‘Me and my Ladyqueen have had our eyes opened to a different way with you folk here. Back home I’ve often stood out there on my lawn wondering what in tarnation was the need of cutting it. Except the neighbours would grouse. We’re just plain folks. I’ll take a swig at this here distillate you say puts the gizz back in. But let me tell you a story. We have an oldster living behind us there back home. This one night about three a.m. with the lights on in his bedroom he was shouting at the top of his voice. We thought maybe his house was on fire or a rattler was loose under his bed. Me and Ladyqueen we got up and in our kimonos just as fast as we could we shot over there and busted open his screen door. Well there was old Charlie, I mean we’re kids compared to Charlie. He stood there. In the middle of the bedroom with the light blazing on stark as the naked he was born with a bone on nearly tickling his chin. You’d a thought he’d a had a bit of modesty with me and my Mrs standing there. But he just crowed out like he was a rooster. Lookee here Clem and Martha it just come up like this all by itself, ain’t it wonderful to see. Wasn’t it the truth Ladyqueen. I mean we’re taking a page out of your folks’ book here and talking real plain like. Now wasn’t it the truth Ladyqueen.’

  Mr Utah thumbs caught under suspenders. Looking down upon Mrs Utah swaying with a bottle. Mrs L K L with a lorgnette, squinting at these plain folk. A blazing turf fire. Bligh bouncing up and down in a dance routine with Rose. See away in their corner. Just the bent heads of Bloodmourn and the Baron. Engrossed in chess. Miss Ovary waltzes with Putlog. Into and out of sight. Social standards staggering between servants and guests. I’ve seen the Utahs before. Jumping backwards from the sight of Elmer in our compartment on the train. Both of them here now with flashing rimless spectacles shouting freckle faced in their cups.

  ‘Ain’t it right what I’m saying Martha.’

  ‘Well Clem I sure didn’t believe my eyes that Charlie would act like that. But I understood it was kind of important in his life to have it up like that, rigid as a post.’

  ‘Now tell ’em Martha, didn’t Charlie ask you to feel it for real and didn’t you feel it.’

  ‘I felt it all right just like I’m telling you, like a fence post.’

  ‘Now the trouble was just as me and Martha was standing there watching Charlie with his bone, what did I hear but a rattler. These two eyes glittering under Charlie’s bureau and a tail sizzling away. Course Charlie woke up the whole neighbourhood and here we was rushing him out of there fast as we could go with the back porch light on. We went through the flower border to get back into my garden at the double. You folks will understand this was kinda a big night for us. Charlie died not more than four months later. And he never did get another bone on.’

  ‘Yes he did Clem.’

  ‘You never told me Martha.’

  ‘Well he showed it to me. You were sleeping and I didn’t want to wake you at the time. He told me kind of in secret that if ever he got another bone on, he would switch the outside garage light on and off which comes in to our window and he would stand in his kitchen where we could see him from ours. And there he was, a bone on a mile long and he was smiling and drinking a container of milk. I never did see such a thing as Charlie has.’

  ‘Shut up Martha, that’s no kind of talk.’

  ‘Charlie had the biggest thing I ever did see.’

  ‘Now Martha that ain’t no way to talk in front of all these good folk.’

  Clementine rising from knees. Eyeballs covered in dust blown through the keyhole. Bag hooked over an arm. Feel the way onward. A look of astonishment forever on my face. People always at their best in a memory. And when I’ve tucked away all these recent months. Look back then on one vast invasion of privacy. Sending castle ghosts running for their lives. Dreamt last night a man passed me on a street corner. Said sir your light tan shoes are unforgivable. I walked six miles in a circle mumbling bitter replies. Woke up. Felt my toes sticking chilled out of the bed. Licked by Elmer. Who leads his own life these days. Chewing cow flop and chasing his tail.

  Clementine climbing the ladder to the hay loft. Sounds up there. Gloria in another orgasm. Or doing gymnastics. Owl hoots. Send the rats for cover. Who dat dere. One on top of another. Legs scissored around a pair of small moonlit buttocks. Vibrating like the hammers of hell. That fuck pig of multiplicities. That L K L.

  They take

  Your bacon

  They take

  Your rind

  Go get the bathing suit

  And they screw you

  Blind

  14

  Bloodmourn picked a speck of fluff from my lapel and smiled. He rubbed hands as the others bowed. The hairy exprisoner drove me up the stony winding road to wait for the train. Coming choo choo out from under the pink grey striped sky. The countryside stilled. A spiral of smoke from Clarence’s cottage. The hoof sounds of Tim sweeping away down the centre of the road.

  Erconwald gave me five pounds. Folded the big white note away deep in my pocket. And looked at it again as the platforms of the stations swept by. Across lands haunted green and lonely by dark hedges and solitary trees. Man at a gate with a donkey. Woman looks up from a sack in the fields. Arms wave. Hello. Goodbye. To the click clack heading towards a creeping grey horizon.

  Smoky shadowy terminus. Weather burnt faces lugging bags tied with straps and strings. Lost eyes staring around the metropolis. A lamp light with a yellow glow on a wet gleaming street. Horse cab at the curb. Take it clip clop along a wall by the river. Turning right up a steep cobbled hillside. Broken windows flickering with firelight. Down a street of bleak darkened commercial houses. In there a shop window full of gentleman’s gear. For horses, sheep and shooting. One bank after another. And into that one there with the grey granite pillars. I will go tomorrow with my slip of green paper. From Lady Gail Allouise Trudy Macfugger.

  Strange to be all dressed up. For a city. To feel warm under cloth. Albeit the toes are cold. And the eye looks for some warmly lit snuggery. Where waits a plate of cheese and glass of wine. Just stand here at this space between the mahogany partitions. And refreshment slides across the marble.

  ‘And may I have some pickled onions too.’

  ‘Certainly.’

  Clementine taking sips of wine and chunks of cheese. Teeth sink through the red soft tang. Such a relief from the hungering around the castle halls. Rid of the many mouths. To privately pay attention to my own. With just a barman on a stool reading the evening newspaper. Turning over the pages. See great black headlines there. If the gentleman would only hold it a bit higher. Ah. Thank you.

  DARING RESCUE OF CHOIR AT SEA

  Fourteen silver voiced children and their choir master were rescued Tuesday night during a force nine gale. The little ones having set forth with their leader in an open boat as a treat were in difficulties as they were swept by the tide out to sea where many mariners over the years have come to grief off the western coast. Four brave stalwart men led by Commander Bloodmourn and assisted by Brevet Major Macfugger, V.C., M.O.H., Dr Franz Pickle, B.F.B. and the Baron Von Freeze single handedly launched the large motor yacht, Novena, which has been out of commission for some years and set forth to the rescue. The brave gentlemen were staying as the guests of Clementine of The Three Glands, the owner of Charnel Castle who remained behind to alert the lifeboat. As the stout hearted made their
way through the treacherous seas with their mast broken and decks awash they refused to turn back when nearly submerged by a monster wave and forged onwards to the distressed boat without heed for their own personal safety.

  Bartender turning the page. What a lot of really awful people. Nobody gives a good god damn anymore. About the real truth or anything, just so long as they look good themselves. Elbow you out of the limelight. In shame if possible.

  ‘Bartender, please can I have another glass of wine.’

  ‘And why not.’

  Lights softer on the eyes. As wine cheers the spirit. Bartender pours with a smile from the corners of his mouth and twinkling eyes. Could say that was me you read about. I was there. Really with them. Out on the waves. But they cheated me out of the publicity.

  Clementine setting off with gladstone bag. Walking up a narrow street of shop windows. To look into this one with medical instruments. A skeleton hanging there in the dark. Faint smell of roasted coffee bean. Whirr of cycles passing on the wooden blocks of the road. Turn left. A high fence and park across the street. Any door now. Will be Erconwald’s laboratory.

  Clementine pressing a white ceramic button in a round brass circle. Waiting. Pressing again. Folks wrapped in scarves go by. It’s late. I’m tight. I’m cold. Let me in. I can easily settle down among the test tubes. Not a sound inside. Drive me out of my own castle. Then give me an address where there’s no reply. Stagger back out on the paving stone. Head for an hotel. In damp socks and cold feet. Behind this woman ahead whispering to a cat.

  Clementine walking by the dark coated figure. As she leans by the curb coaxing this furry creature across a puddle. With a voice one has heard before. Turning at my footsteps to look up. Gracious me. Veronica.

  ‘Look who’s here. In town from his country seat. I was just beginning to feel rather lonely, making friends with this cat. Will you buy me a drink.’