Finding Faith

  By the time she seated herself, Adam was staring at her. How was she supposed to think when his eyes were as warm as melted caramel and held just enough sadness to inflict her with guilt?

  She hung her head. “I don’t know where to begin.”

  “You know what they say.”

  Start at the beginning? That seemed too scary, but Adam was right.

  She took a breath and caught his eye. “I wanted to apologize to you for what I said last week.”

  Even now the cruel words echoed in her mind. Like I’d have anything to do with a guy who’d betray his fiancée. What a hypocritical thing to say. She’d kissed him right back, and she’d known full well he had a fiancée. But he’d never thrown that back in her face.

  His eyes flitted downward toward the table. She’d hurt him with what she said. He couldn’t even look at her. “Don’t worry about it.” He shrugged as if it hadn’t mattered, but it had.

  “It was a mean thing to say. And it wasn’t true.”

  “Yes it was. I deserved it.” He still wasn’t looking at her.

  And worse yet, she was sure he didn’t understand what she was saying. She was going to have to spell it out. She was breathing so shallowly, it would be a wonder if she didn’t hyperventilate.

  “That’s not what I meant,” she said. “But while we’re on that subject, I did kiss you back, you know.” Heat crept into her face and out to her ears. She hoped the dimness of the room hid the flush.

  His eyes met hers then, and his lips gave that same sad, crooked smile. “I noticed.”

  If she were a Southern belle, she would pull out a dainty fan and cool her face. She already felt faint.

  “Look, it’s OK,” he said. “You were upset, and you said something you regret. Let’s just forget it, OK?”

  Oh, how easy it would be to just let it drop. She’d apologized—didn’t that count?

  You haven’t even told him what you lied about, Linn. Stop being such a chicken.

  When he scooted his chair back to stand, she stopped him. “Wait. Wait; there’s something else.”

  He lowered himself back into the chair.

  Are You sure, God? Are You sure I should tell him when it may just get me into a whole mess of trouble?

  “What is it?” He searched her eyes, and she knew she had to tell him. Not for any other reason but that God commanded honesty, and it was the right thing to do.

  “I—I didn’t say what I said because I was upset. I said it to mislead you. I lied to you.”

  His brows pulled down low, his eyes questioning. “I’m not following.”

  She broke away from his gaze. Now that the time had come, she didn’t know what to say. How could she explain her feelings without giving him any hope of a future together? A future she wanted more than anything. But a future that couldn’t happen.

  “I guess I kind of said what I did to—to scare you off. You were talking like you wanted there to be something between us.”

  “Oh.” That one word was weighted with disappointment.

  She wished she could read his mind. He seemed uncomfortable. Embarrassed, even.

  “I was trying to tell you how I was feeling, but I never meant to force myself on you or pressure you into something you didn’t want.” He wouldn’t look at her.

  Now she knew why. He thought she wasn’t interested and was trying to get rid of him.

  “Oh, Adam, you have it all wrong.” She propped her elbow on the table and her forehead against her hand. How could she explain it without having to humiliate herself by telling her whole sordid past? She heard him breathe a laugh.

  “Then what, Linn? I don’t understand.”

  She rubbed her forehead. She was making such a mess of it. “I’m sorry. I really stink at this stuff. It’s just—” She wished it were even darker, so she could hide in the shadows. “The reason I was trying to scare you off was that I felt you shouldn’t break it off with Elizabeth.”

  “Why?”

  “She’s perfect for you, that’s why.” Linn ran her fingers through her bangs, keeping her head down.

  “It might appear that way from the outside, but just the fact that I was having feelings for you was a clear indication that I had no business being engaged to her. Anyway, it’s over now. I explained what happened, and I broke it off.”

  Linn’s heart crumbled. It was all her fault. If she had kept him at arm’s length, this wouldn’t have happened. Why had she kissed him back? Why hadn’t she been strong enough to push him away?

  Adam took her wrist gently and pulled her hand down from her face. With nothing to hide behind, she felt exposed. Nevertheless, her eyes met his and clung. Why was it that everything she wanted was unattainable? As he drew her in with his eyes, her resolve slipped away.

  “Why do you look at me like that?” he asked. “Why, when you wanted me to stay with Elizabeth?”

  She focused on the tabletop. She wasn’t good at hiding her feelings, and now her transparency was telling him more than she wanted him to know.

  “Don’t.” He tipped her chin with his fingertips until she had to look at him. His touch was gentle and brought back memories of their kiss.

  “Do you have feelings for me?” he asked.

  He’d asked her straight out, knowing she wouldn’t lie.

  “I don’t want to talk about this, Adam.” She scooted her chair back. “I have a bus to catch.”

  “You have twenty more minutes, and you know it.” His voice was firm, determined.

  She froze in the wooden chair.

  “Do you have a boyfriend back home? In Jackson Hole?”

  The question caught her off guard. “No.”

  “Then what? Am I misreading you, Linn? Because I’m getting signals from you that tell me one thing, but your words say something else.”

  She was such a hypocrite. He was right. Everything he said was true.

  “You never answered my question,” he said.

  It was the point of no return. She had to be truthful, but she had to be strong.

  Adam deserves better than you. Just remember that.

  “All right, Adam. Yes, I do have feelings for you. But they can’t lead anywhere, OK? That’s why I said what I did. That’s why I’ve discouraged you.”

  “What do you mean? Why can’t they lead anywhere?” Two vertical lines appeared between his brows.

  She set both elbows on the table and pressed her forehead against her fingertips. “They just can’t.”

  “That’s not an answer.”

  It was an answer that wouldn’t lead to more questions. But he was hanging on like a dog with his last bone.

  “I’m not good for you, OK?” she tried. “There’s stuff—stuff you don’t know about me.”

  “What stuff? I don’t care about that.”

  She gave a wry laugh. He would if he knew. He’d be the one standing and leaving if she sat there and told him everything she’d done. But she’d never give him that opportunity. She wouldn’t shame herself that way.

  “What was that for?”

  He was asking about the laugh, she knew. She’d gotten herself in so deep, she wasn’t sure how she’d dig out of the hole. She shook her head.

  “Linn.” He took her wrist and pulled her hand down again until it lay nestled in his.

  His touch made shivers run up her arm. His hand looked so big over hers. His fingertips were squared off, not round like hers. Every tiny hair on her skin responded.

  “I’ve worked with you for hours on end. I’ve seen the way you work hard and treat other people with kindness. I’ve seen you be compassionate and fair and honest. I’ve seen the way a smile lights up your eyes in a way that’s contagious. And I’ve felt myself falling harder and harder for you.”

  “Don’t, Adam.” She stared down at the table.

  “There’s nothing you can say that’s going to change my feelings for you.”

  She almost laughed again but stopped herself. His pastoral mind couldn’t
even imagine the kinds of things she’d done. Someday he would minister in a big church somewhere, and the last thing he needed was a wife with a shameful past. She had to get out of there before she became too weak to say no.

  She withdrew her hand from his and stood abruptly. “I have to go.”

  “No, you don’t.”

  She put her coat on quickly and slung her book bag and purse over her shoulder.

  When she turned to leave, he was there. Standing right in front of her, his jaw set, his lips in a firm, straight line.

  “Stay. We need to talk.”

  “I have to catch the bus.”

  “That’s an excuse and you know it. I can take you home.”

  And wind up alone in his car, where he’d have all the time in the world to talk her into doing what she already wanted to do? No way.

  His hands framed her face, their warmth seeping through her skin. His eyes softened with tenderness. They pled with her. “Give us a chance.”

  She was powerless to stop what she knew would happen next.

  His lips took hers gently at first. But when he pulled her closer and she pressed up against him, the kiss took on a passion unlike any she’d ever felt. Her fingers dove into his hair as their hot breath mingled in a dance as old as time. She was unaware of anything but the feel of his lips on hers, of his hands wrapped around her shoulders and cradling the back of her head. A desperate need for more bubbled up inside her, filling her stomach with all kinds of wonderful feelings.

  It was heaven.

  Except it was wrong. She had done this before, and look where it had gotten her. Pregnant and shamed. Was she going to pull Adam down with her? Adam, who had a future in the ministry?

  She yanked her fingers from his hair and pushed at his chest. He took a step back. Their breaths came at a pace more in line with a marathon than a kiss.

  And Adam. His eyes had taken on a look of wonder, as if the passion had taken him by surprise.

  Linn knew exactly how he felt. She rubbed her swollen lips. “That can’t happen again,” she whispered.

  She hitched the book bag up onto her shoulder and turned. Her feet carried her quickly to the front door, hoping he wouldn’t say anything to weaken her resolve. She twisted the lock and opened the door. Before she stepped outside, she heard a heavy thwack behind her. It took a moment to realize Adam had hit something. The wood table or the paneling on the wall. Without turning to look, she slipped out the front door.

  CHAPTER

  THIRTY-ONE

  Paula let the week slide by without contacting the Morgans. The more days that passed, the easier it was to wait. She knew that once the Morgans knew the truth, she would have to tell David. That was enough to make a procrastinator out of her.

  Somehow she managed to stay focused and do her job. Darrick had clearly fallen out of favor, and Roxy, one of the weekend anchors, had found out she was pregnant and decided she was going to stay home once the child was born. But instead of boosting Paula’s morale, the news only made her feel hollow inside. Would she and David ever manage to get pregnant again, or had she blown their one and only shot at parenthood?

  She couldn’t help but be relieved that it wasn’t her weekend to go home. She needed more time to process the information, and she was looking forward to a quiet weekend.

  But around noon on Saturday her mom phoned to tell her Hanna had gone into labor, nearly two weeks early. She was at the hospital and dilated five centimeters already. Paula left a note for Linn and took the first flight she could get, arriving at St. John’s after dark. She walked down the hall toward her waiting family. David was the first to see her, and he stood and embraced her.

  “How’s Hanna doing?” She directed the question at her parents.

  “She’s doing great,” her mom said. “Micah came out a few minutes ago and told us it wouldn’t be much longer.”

  Paula gave everyone hugs, including Gram, then sank into the chair between David and Natalie.

  A young woman sat between Gram and her mother. “Paula,” her mother said, “this is Micah’s sister, Jenna.”

  Paula saw a resemblance around the eyes and in the young woman’s skin tone. “It’s nice to meet you, Jenna. I’m so glad you and Micah have been reunited.”

  “Thanks.” The word, though nicely spoken, was hard around the edges, as though the girl had built a bricks-and-mortar wall around herself.

  Paula wondered what had happened to the girl out in California to put such a jaded look in her eyes. She turned to Natalie. “Where’s Kyle?”

  “Home with the kids. We thought it’d be too much to have them here, and our baby-sitter is otherwise occupied.” Natalie smiled at their mom.

  “How long’s Hanna been in labor?” Paula asked.

  “Since around eight this morning,” Natalie explained. “She’s about squeezed the blood out of Micah’s hand.”

  Paula thought of her baby sister in that room, struggling through the pain of childbirth, and felt overwhelmingly protective. “Well, haven’t they given her anything?”

  “Hanna wants to do it naturally,” Gram said. “That’s the old-fashioned way.”

  It was barbaric, if you asked Paula. She suddenly remembered the cramping she’d had after the abortion. Sharp, intense pain that made menstrual cramps seem like a day at the park.

  Was David thinking about pregnancy? Was he thinking about the child he’d believed they’d lost to a miscarriage? She glanced at him, but his head was leaned back against the wall, his eyes closed.

  She had to put her problems from her mind. Hanna was having her first baby, and Paula needed to focus on that. Even though she’d wanted a quiet weekend in Chicago, she was glad Hanna had gone into labor on the weekend so she could be there for the birth.

  She felt David’s hand wrapping around hers. She turned to study him. He’d opened his eyes and was smiling at her. His glasses had slid a fraction of an inch down his nose.

  “I’m glad you’re home.”

  His words were like soothing aloe on a raw burn, and her heart expanded with the love he radiated. She loved him more than she ever thought she’d love any man. The thought of losing him was like being ripped in half.

  She leaned into his shoulder and kissed him, savoring the fresh cinnamon on his breath, the softness of his lips.

  “It’s a boy!” a jubilant voice called.

  Paula drew away from David to see that Micah stood in the doorway that led to the delivery rooms.

  The room erupted with excitement as everyone stood. Paula’s mom hugged Micah while Natalie and Gram asked questions about Hanna.

  “She’s fine, just perfect,” Micah said. “Well, maybe a little tired.”

  They laughed. Micah looked tired himself.

  “He’s twenty-one inches long and weighs eight pounds, two ounces.”

  “Oh, my word,” Gram said. “And he’s two weeks early.”

  “What did you name him?” Paula’s mom asked.

  Micah smiled. “You’ll see. They’re going to clean him up and stuff, then I’ll come out and get you. Shouldn’t be long.”

  Paula couldn’t miss the way Micah’s eyes smiled, or the way he seemed to bounce on the balls of his feet like mere gravity couldn’t keep him down. Would David have been the same way if she’d carried out her pregnancy?

  Micah went back to Hanna, and Paula’s mom hugged Jenna and congratulated her on being an aunt. Paula noticed that Jenna accepted the hug but didn’t move so much as a finger.

  The family talked excitedly about everything from the baby’s weight to what a new mother felt after having a baby. Paula retreated to a place deep inside. She hadn’t known how much regret being there would bring. This could have been her three years ago, giving birth to her child. Her family would have been waiting in these straight-backed chairs while she delivered her daughter.

  Her gaze sharpened, and she realized her mom was studying her. The smile was going lax, and something akin to compassion was slipping int
o place. Paula looked away.

  In a short while, Micah took them back into the room with Hanna and the baby, keeping his sister in the circle of his arm. They all crowded around the bed, and Paula found herself closest to her sister. Hanna looked tired, and her face was slightly swollen from the pregnancy. But there was nothing but joy on her face. In her arms she cradled a tiny bundle. His face was pink, and a hospital cap covered his tiny head.

  “Oh, wow. He’s just beautiful. Congratulations, Sis.”

  “Thanks.” Hanna gazed down into the baby’s eyes. They seemed fixed on his momma. “And thanks for flying out for this.”

  “I wouldn’t miss it.” Paula touched the baby’s cheek, relishing the new softness of his skin. “I’d better let Grandma through, or she’s gonna trample me.”

  Hanna laughed.

  “I heard that,” her mom said, “and you’re right. Move aside.” She playfully nudged Paula out of the way.

  “Do we finally get to hear what you’ve named him?” Gram asked.

  Micah and Hanna exchanged a glance, then Hanna spoke. “We named him Thomas Paul Gallagher . . . after Grandpop.”

  Gram’s eyes misted over. “He would have been so proud.”

  Paula stepped back to stand in front of David, who leaned on the wall next to a clear bassinet. Hanna handed the baby to Micah, and Natalie and her dad gathered close. Micah held the infant as though he were made of delicate glass.

  Behind her, David wrapped his arms around Paula’s waist and laid his head against hers. The warmth of his body against her comforted and soothed her.

  He whispered into her ear. “Someday.”

  * * *

  The weekend passed in a flash. She and David returned from the hospital late, and they got up early for church the next morning. Her flight left midafternoon, so there wasn’t much opportunity to talk. After church she rushed home to get her things together, stopped by the hospital for a brief visit, and headed to the airport to wait for her flight.

  When she got back to her apartment, she realized she’d taken her Jackson cell phone instead of her Chicago one. The next day she was back to work, flying at the dizzying speed of a world where deadlines ruled. That afternoon she tried to focus on the wording of her story for the evening news. A mom and pop flower store had been robbed that afternoon, and the elderly owner had been held at gunpoint.