Finding Faith

  When the phone on her desk rang, Paula’s first thought was of David. She’d hoped when she got back from the lake that he would have sent an e-mail. Now, as she picked up the extension, she felt the same hope bubble up inside her.

  “Paula speaking.”

  “There’s a young man out here to see you.” It was Cindy from the front desk. “He’s asking to meet you.”

  Paula’s hopes settled like a deflated inner tube around her feet.

  “Does he have an appointment? I’m a little busy right now.”

  Cindy lowered her voice. “Just for a minute? He’s really sweet.”

  She sighed. “All right.”

  Paula hung up the phone and headed toward the entry. She couldn’t imagine why someone would just stop in and think she could drop everything at their whim. And today she wasn’t in a good frame of mind to appease whims.

  She smoothed her suit and stepped out onto the slate-floored entry. A big guy, maybe in his late twenties, stood rocking back and forth from one foot to the other.

  She pasted a smile on and put out her hand. “Hi, I’m Paula Landin-Cohen.”

  His grin was almost goofy, like a shy nine-year-old.

  “I’m Gordon.” His words slurred across his tongue.

  Her eyes met Cindy’s. She was beginning to understand why the assistant had wanted Paula to meet him.

  “Hello, Gordon,” she said “It is so nice to meet you. Do you watch our news on TV?”

  He nodded vigorously. “Every night. You’re the prettiest one.”

  “Gordon!” A woman stepped through the front door, breathing hard and making a beeline for the guy. “Don’t you ever run off like that again. What were you thinking?” She took hold of Gordon’s hand. “You scared me silly.”

  “I wanted to meet Miss Paula,” he said simply.

  “I’m so sorry to have disturbed you,” the woman said. “We were just standing in line for a pretzel, and next thing you know, I turn around and he’s gone.”

  “It’s OK,” Paula told her. “I’m glad he stopped by.”

  Gordon’s grin could have lit Wrigley Field. “Did you like my poem, Miss Paula?”

  “Your poem?”

  “The one I sent you.”

  “Oh, honey, she might not even open her own mail,” the woman said. She addressed Paula. “He’s a big fan of yours. Stops and turns on the TV at six o’clock on the dot every night.”

  “Roses are red, violets are blue, you’re very pretty, I want to meet you.” Gordon grinned.

  The words rang with familiarity. The letter she’d received, the one she’d stressed over, had been from this harmless guy. Not some weird stalker. Relief flowed through her. “It was a lovely poem, Gordon.”

  He beamed and gave the woman a told-ya-so smile. “I wrote it.”

  “It’s the nicest poem anyone has written for me.”

  “Really?” he asked.

  “Did you send that gorgeous red rose on Valentine’s Day?”

  He nodded, his face looking as sheepish as her nephew’s did when she kissed him on the cheek.

  Paula felt a twinge of guilt for tossing the flower into the trash.

  “We’ll get out of your way now,” the woman said. She tugged Gordon toward the door.

  “It was nice meeting you, Gordon,” Paula said.

  He waved his fingers. When they reached the door, the woman turned around and mouthed “thank you.”

  Paula smiled as the door shut behind them.

  “Well, I guess there goes your mystery stalker,” Cindy said.

  Paula gave a wry laugh. “Some stalker. He’s a six-foot teddy bear.”

  “I’m so thrilled about your promotion. I knew you’d get it.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Did you have a good time on the yacht?”

  Paula could think of a dozen ways to describe the weekend, and none of them included “good time.” “Wow, what a boat. The Hardings are very gracious people.”

  “Miles said David had to leave early for a family emergency. I hope everything’s OK.”

  Paula twisted her earring and nodded. “How are things with you and Cal?”

  Cindy scooped up a handful of papers and stapled them. “Actually, he’s filed for divorce.”

  Paula was stunned. She remembered Cindy’s confession about lying to her husband. The whole thing hit too close to home. “I’m so sorry, Cindy.”

  Cindy seemed relieved when her phone rang.

  “I’ll let you get back to work,” Paula said quickly and headed toward her desk. Would David do the same thing that Cindy’s husband had done? If ever there was a lie that deserved the ultimate punishment, it was hers. Her life was unraveling, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

  CHAPTER

  THIRTY-SIX

  Four days later Paula climbed the stairs that led to her apartment, feeling older than the nursing-home residents she’d just interviewed on the air. Her career couldn’t be going better, but nothing mattered anymore but David. He hadn’t called, hadn’t e-mailed, and she was feeling desperate for him.

  She’d tried calling twice, but when the phone rang into voice mail, she could have cursed the caller ID she had installed on the phone the year before. The long e-mail she sent him had gone unanswered, and she didn’t know what else she could do but pray.

  She slid her key into the doorknob and turned it, pushing it open with her shoulder.

  Linn tore her gaze from the TV. “Hey. You’re just in time.”

  Paula glanced at the TV. “For what?” After the long week she’d had, she only wanted to go to bed.

  “It’s my video project. The professor gave them back today, and I wanted you to see the final version.”

  She thought of the day Linn had taped her and David. They’d spent a day out walking Chicago, connected and always touching, stopping to kiss every so often. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

  “Sit down and I’ll start it.” Linn picked up the remote and pushed a button.

  Paula took off her coat and draped it across the back of the sofa. Did she want to watch it? Could she bear to see the way she and David were before? She kicked off her heels and hesitated.

  But then the tape flickered to life and there they were. She and David—sitting right there on this very couch holding hands. Linn jacked up the volume, and Paula heard Linn asking a question.

  They laughed, then David responded, looking at Paula as though she was his everything. Linn had gone in for a closeup, so Paula could see the crescent-shaped crease bracketing his smile. Then the camera panned out. Paula was talking now. She couldn’t remember what she said and couldn’t seem to focus on the words she was hearing. David’s arm wrapped around her shoulder and gave her a squeeze.

  Was this all she would have to remember him by? A tape of a moment in time, when everything had been perfect? Would he never hold her hand or draw her close or look at her as if he couldn’t get enough of her?

  Her legs crumbled and she sank onto the sofa.

  “What’s wrong?” Linn asked.

  Paula stared at the TV, seeing all she’d lost and how little she’d gained by the terrible mistake she’d made three years ago.

  The image of her and David froze.

  “Paula?”

  She stared at the screen. “I’m fine.”

  Linn sat beside her on the sofa. “You’re crying.”

  Paula wished she could hit the Rewind button of life and go back to that day she’d done that interview. Better yet, she wished she could go back three years ago and do everything over. But life wasn’t like that.

  “David knows about Faith,” Paula said. She hadn’t told anyone, not even the Morgans. She evaded their phone calls twice because they would want to know what happened when she told David. They’d want to know if he would sign custody papers, and she couldn’t bear to tell them how badly the conversation had gone.

  Linn straightened. “When did you tell him?”

  Paula shook her h
ead. “I didn’t. He found out on his own.”

  Linn shifted. “Oh, Paula.”

  “I was going to tell him, but it was too late. He already knew.” She wiped her face with her fingers. “It happened last Friday on the boat. He had Miles take him ashore while I slept.” A bitter laugh pushed through her throat. “But, hey, I got the anchor position, so woo-hoo.” As if that meant anything now.

  “Have you talked to him since then?” Linn asked.

  “Strangely enough, he isn’t returning my calls.” Paula’s eyes brushed by the African violet on the sill. She’d thought the plant was regaining its health, but instead, the leaves had darkened until they were brown. Now, despite her diligence, the whole plant had toppled over at the base.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m sorry, too, but you know what I’ve learned? Sorry doesn’t mean squat. Sorry doesn’t undo the past or bandage the hurt. It doesn’t do anything.”

  “He probably just needs time,” Linn said gently. “He might still be in shock over the fact that his daughter is alive. I’m sure he’ll realize how much you regret it. He’ll come around, don’t you think? It’s obvious he loves you.”

  Paula didn’t think it was shock so much as anger toward her for trying to abort their baby and keeping it a secret all these years.

  “The woman I’ve been married to has a dark corner in her heart that I didn’t know about. A dark corner that has undermined every thought, every feeling I have toward her. I can’t love someone I don’t know, and Paula . . . I don’t know you at all.”

  The words had haunted her all week, and now they were like a brand on her heart.

  * * *

  When Paula went to bed, Linn prayed for her. She prayed for David’s heart to soften and that he would find it in his heart to forgive his wife. If Natalie could forgive Linn for what she’d done, maybe David could forgive Paula. It might take some time, but God was capable of changing hearts. Linn should know better than anyone.

  It looked like Friday had been a bad night all the way around. Her conversation with Adam had played in her head a hundred times. She missed him, and it hurt to imagine what he must think of her now. She hadn’t realized until after it was over, but she’d been hoping deep inside that her past wouldn’t matter. Why else would she have been in a major depression all week? But he left, just as she told him to, and she hadn’t heard from him again. She supposed that was all the answer she needed, but it hurt like nothing else to admit it was true.

  It had been a whole week, and he would have called her or come over again if he hadn’t been completely repelled by what she’d done. If he cared about her as much as he claimed to, would her past have kept him away?

  You are such a dork, Linn. This is what you said you wanted. You knew it would happen this way, and how can you blame Adam for the way he feels?

  Adam had a future to consider, and he couldn’t just follow his heart’s whim without considering the consequences.

  She picked up the remote and flicked the TV off. No sense in watching the tape now. It was too depressing to see how a vibrant relationship like Paula and David’s could implode in a matter of weeks. She should study for the tests that were coming up, but she was burned out on studying this week.

  The knock on the door made her jump. She looked at her watch and saw it was only a little past eight. She walked to the door and peered out the peephole.

  Adam.

  Why was he here, a week after they’d parted so badly? She couldn’t contain the hope that swelled up in her. She glanced in the tiny mirror beside the door.

  Ugh! The hours had melted away the last of her makeup, and her hair resembled something a cat had coughed up. She ran her fingers through her hair, then wiped the area under her eyes with her fingertips.

  Before she could second-guess herself, she undid the locks and opened the door.

  Adam’s lips parted, and his eyebrows raised a fraction. Maybe he’d thought she wouldn’t answer. His hair was windblown, his cheeks ruddy from the night air.

  “Adam.” She couldn’t seem to think of anything else to say.

  “I was afraid you wouldn’t answer.”

  She shrugged. Truth was, she missed him so badly that she almost thought she conjured him up by will alone. But he was here. Standing right in front of her. The hope that rose inside her terrified her, and she punched it firmly down.

  “Can I come in?”

  She opened the door wider, catching a whiff of leather and cologne. “Can I take your coat?”

  “That’s OK.” He didn’t even make a move to take it off.

  She offered him a seat, realizing the hope she’d punched back had sunk even further. He was going to make this a quick visit. She sat across from him in the recliner, keeping her spine straight and her guard in place. Getting hurt all over again wasn’t at the top of her wish list, and it was feeling more and more like a real possibility.

  “I guess you’re wondering why I’m here.”

  She lifted her lips but couldn’t quite call it a smile.

  He crossed his ankle over his knee. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this week and realized I owe you an apology.”

  Here it comes. He just came to apologize. Though for what, Linn couldn’t imagine.

  “I’m sorry about how I handled things last week. I pushed you to tell me something you didn’t want to, and I was wrong to do that.” He looked at her, pausing.

  “It’s OK.” Disappointment sucked the moisture from her mouth. What did it matter now? He knew the truth, all of it, and that had changed everything. What good would an apology do?

  “It’s not OK.” He paused again until she met his gaze. His dark eyes drew her in and held her there. “I said I wouldn’t push, but I did. I’m sorry.” He stared down at his intertwined fingers. “There’s another reason I came too. Two more, actually.”

  She tore her eyes away from him and settled into the curve of the recliner, tucking her trembling fingers between her knees.

  Stop it! Stop hoping, Linn. You are just going to get yourself hurt again.

  “There are things I should’ve said to you that night, but I was just so—”

  Shocked? Horrified? Disgusted?

  He shook his head slowly. “I had no idea what you’d been through. It about broke my heart to hear it.”

  “I brought it all on myself, Adam, so you don’t need to pity me.”

  “It’s not pity. I just—” He propped his forearms on his knees. “Linn, I get the feeling you’re holding all these things against yourself. Like you’re dragging this burden with you everywhere you go. Have you asked God to forgive you?”

  There was nothing but compassion in his eyes, but somehow the question bothered her. The conversation was not going in the direction she’d expected. He was asking her about God?

  “Of course I have.”

  “Are you familiar with the passage in Psalms where it says ‘As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us’?”

  She watched him sitting there on the couch, hands clasped as if in prayer, head tilted. All that was missing from this pastoral counseling session was a Bible and a box of tissues. This is what he’d come for? To counsel her like she was a member of his future church? Was that all she was to him now?

  “Sometimes the hardest part of forgiveness is forgiving ourselves.”

  She crossed her arms, hugging herself. He wasn’t here as the man she’d fallen in love with. He was there as a pastor, and that hurt more than anything.

  “Even after the people we’ve hurt have forgiven us, we often carry around a grudge against ourselves, sometimes for years.”

  She didn’t want to hear anymore. She just wanted him to go. “Did you learn that in seminary, Adam?”

  He blinked, caught off guard, she supposed, by her sarcasm. “What’s wrong?”

  What’s wrong was that he was treating her like—like any other person. What was wrong was that he was there to
counsel her for the sins of her past. ‘What was wrong was that he wasn’t there to tell her the things she wanted desperately to hear.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m not making my point very clearly.”

  She stood up. “Actually, you’ve been crystal clear.” She walked toward the door, expecting him to follow.

  He did. “Wait. I’m not finished.”

  She clenched her jaw. “Don’t worry, Adam, you got an A for content and an A for delivery.” Her voice rose and trembled.

  He grabbed her shoulders, his face only an arm’s length away. “I don’t want a stinking grade, Linn.” His fingers loosened their hold. His eyes shone with fervency. “I want you.”

  She stared at him, unwilling to let his words sink in any further, afraid she’d misunderstood.

  “Did you hear me, Linn?” He squeezed her shoulders softly. “I want you. I don’t care what you’ve done or who you used to be. I only know that the woman standing in front of me isn’t the woman who did those things. You let Christ into your life, and you’re different now.” A crease formed between his brows. “You’re the woman who made me see there was something missing in my life. You’re the woman—”

  He touched her cheek, and she felt it to the bottom of her feet.

  “You’re the woman I fell in love with.”

  Her breath caught somewhere between her lungs and throat. She could have drowned in the warmth of his eyes. She knew she should say something, but she couldn’t seem to make her lips move.

  “I love you, Linn. I love the way you laugh and the way you bite your nails when you’re worried. I love that you’re so brave, and I even love your little sarcastic streak.”

  But there was still her past. Even if he could get beyond that, what kind of a future could they have together if he was going to be a pastor? Would his family even accept her if they knew the truth?

  “What? Tell me what’s going on behind those worried eyes.” He caressed her face, and the gentleness of the motion put tears in her eyes.

  “What about—I mean, I know this is looking pretty far into the future—but, Adam, you’re going to be a pastor.” How could she even mention being his wife when they’d yet to have their first date? She felt her cheeks start to burn. “You can’t have someone like me hanging around.”