Dancers & Other Short Stories

CIVICS LESSON

  "Pass the salt down here, old man." said my nephew.

 

  I flipped him the bird and he laughed. There was always a light banter between the two of us. I picked up the salt and pepper and handed both shakers to him. I knew the next thing he would want would be the pepper. He was pretty predictable.

 

  "So, what are you working on in school?" I asked.

 

  "Just the usual stuff, I guess. I got to write up a report about how the government is set up in Washington."

 

  "That shouldn't be much of a problem," I said.

 

  "I don't know. It's confusing as hell to me."

 

  "There ain't much to it as far as I can tell. I'll tell you what I know about it, but I ain't gonna write your report for you."

 

  Brad looked down. He hated writing and was always trying to con somebody else into doing his work for him. "I've read it over and over in my civics book, but it just don't make no sense at all to me. Can you make it easy to understand?"

 

  "I think so," I said.

 

  "Let me get my notebook," he said. He wandered to the back of the house and fumbled around in his backpack for a while. He got half-way back to the table and said, "Crap. I forgot my pen."

 

  A couple of minutes later he was seated across the table from me, ready to write. I leaned back in my chair and took a swig of Coors Lite.

 

  "Well," I said, "We're just going to talk about the government up in Washington. Not any kind of state or town governments."

 

  "That's what I need to know about," he said.

 

  "First off, picture a cardboard box divided up into three sections. The first box is for the president and his minions, the second box is for the congress, and the third box is for the justices." Brad sat there kind of blank looking so I said, " You can draw this out on your pad if you want to."

 

  "That's a good idea," he said. He sketched out the diagram.

 

  "Now in the box for congress, divide that in half. One of the boxes is for the Senate and the other is for the House of Representatives."

 

  "OK," he said. "Got it."

 

  "Now, divide each box in half. One of them boxes is for the Republicans and the other is for the Democrats. Sometimes, folks will say that they are independents, but it's not enough to make much difference. So, we'll just say its Democrats and Republicans."

 

  "What are Democrats and Republicans?" he asked.

 

  "Well, Democrats are jackasses and Republicans are fat assed elephants. In real life, both are beasts of burden and are a help to the common man; people that have to work for a living. Sometimes elephants will show up in the circus as well. In the world of politics though, neither of them will lift a finger to do anything for the common man. They are all just show animals."

 

  "Now, the presidents box, which is called the administration, contains the president, the vice-president, and their cabinet members. This is about 17 people. We'll just count the important ones for this exercise though. There are a bunch of other people there that do the real work."

 

  "The president, VP, and cabinet members don't do any work?"

 

  "They say they do, but you couldn't tell it by me. Now, there are nine people in the box with the justices in it. The house was about 435 at the last count and the senate has 100."

 

  "That's a bunch of people," my nephew said.

 

  "That it is, my boy, but it's just the tip of the iceberg."

 

  "Now we have to break these out by either Democrats or Republicans. In the House of Representatives there are about 234 Republicans and 201 Democrats. The Senate has 56 Democrats and 46 Republicans. The Supreme Court calls themselves conservatives and liberals instead of Republicans and Democrats, but they are about the same thing for the most part. That's another issue that's pretty complicated. You'll learn that politicians just say what it takes to get elected no matter what they really think. Right now there are five conservatives and 4 liberals on the bench. You can count all the administration as Democrats. These numbers change every couple of years though."

 

  My nephew was furiously scribbling these numbers in his notepad. "OK, got it," he said. "What else do I need to know?"

 

  "Now, we are going to represent each of these positions with cat turds. Use the numbers I gave you just now and imagine that you are putting that number of cat turds in each box. Now, one more thing. As the cat turds age, they become brittle, dry, white, and begin to lose their smell. The newer cat turds are fresh, sticky, brown, and stink to high heaven. Over time, the older cat turds will fade away to nothing. The fresher cat turds will eventually replace the old cat turds and new fresh cat turds will be thrown into the box. The stink never goes away though."

 

  "So, Uncle Wayne, what you are telling me is that the federal government is nothing but a bunch of cat turds, no matter which party they belong to or what branch they work for."

 

  "I knew you would understand, my boy. You have just summed up the federal government in one sentence."

 

  My nephew finished his notes and sat back with a look of enlightment on his otherwise dull face. I was proud of the boy for coming to a quick understanding of such a complicated subject. I finished off the Coors Lite and pitched it into the trash can, stretched, and walked over to the beer fridge for another.

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