Shadowspell

  She jerked back as if I’d slapped her. “Dana!”

  Back when she’d been drunk all the time, I’d worked very hard to keep my rage locked tightly inside. Yelling at her or even reasoning with her when she was drunk was an exercise in futility. But she wasn’t drunk now, so I let it all out. Maybe now that she was sober—however unwillingly—she’d be able to understand just how badly her alcoholism hurt me.

  “You want me to pretend it’s all right with me that you’d rather get drunk and pass out than spend time with me?”

  “That’s not—”

  “Or that it’s all right for you to be so drunk all the time you can’t be bothered to keep your bills paid? You think I didn’t mind having to lie for you year after year after year?”

  “Enough!”

  “No, it’s not enough!” The anger was taking on a life of its own. My fists were clenched so tight my fingers were falling asleep, and I felt like I was going to explode. “You’ve been a sorry excuse for a mother my whole life, but for the last few weeks, I thought maybe you were capable of better. And now you’re asking me to make it easy for you to go back to being—”

  My mom slapped me, and it shocked me silent. She’d never hit me before in my life. She was so angry she was shaking. But the sheen of tears in her eyes said there was pain behind the anger.

  “I said that’s enough,” she said hoarsely. Then she stood up, turned her back on me, and walked stiffly away.

  * * *

  I should have felt happy that I’d managed to save Ethan from the Wild Hunt, regardless of the promise I’d had to make to do it. Instead, I felt lousy. Dad was worried about me. Mom was furious with me. Keane seemed to want something from me I wasn’t able to give him. And Ethan, apparently, wasn’t speaking to me.

  I finally got sick of waiting for him to call me and nerved myself up to call him instead. He didn’t answer, and though I left him a message, he didn’t call back. It kinda reminded me of the cold shoulder I’d given him after I’d seen him with Ashley at the party, but I hadn’t done anything to deserve it. Not that I knew of, at least.

  When calling Ethan didn’t work, I called Kimber instead. I’d only spoken to her once since the day I’d gone to the Erlking’s house, and that conversation had been brief. I was determined this one, however, would let me get to the bottom of whatever was going on with Ethan.

  It had somehow slipped my mind that Kimber hadn’t had a chance to interrogate me about just how I’d managed to free Ethan. She reminded me of the fact almost immediately.

  “So, you said you had to work something out with the Erlking other than the deal we’d come up with together,” she said, and I made a chagrined face I was glad she couldn’t see. “What was it? No one seems to know.”

  Yeah, and that was just the way I wanted it. So even though I felt a bit guilty about it, I gave Kimber the same lie I’d given my dad. “The Erlking put a geis on me, so I can’t tell anyone what I did.”

  There was a long silence. “Uh-huh,” she finally said, and I heard the skepticism in her voice loud and clear.

  I squirmed. I hadn’t felt bad about lying to my dad. I mean come on, he might be my dad, but I barely knew him. There was no way I was talking sex with him. Period.

  But Kimber was my best friend, and if I was going to open up to anyone about this, it should be her. I’d told Kimber the shameful secret about my mom, and at the time I’d known her for like twenty-four hours. We were closer now, so I should be able to trust her with my new embarrassing secret.

  But letting anyone know my mom was an alcoholic wasn’t half as bad as admitting what I’d promised the Erlking. Honestly, what do you call someone who promises sex in return for a favor? I knew only too well, and my face was burning just thinking about it.

  “You can tell me, you know,” Kimber said quietly, and I heard the hurt in her voice. “Whatever it is, I’m not going to think less of you. You rescued Ethan when no one else was even willing to try.”

  I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat. Kimber probably thought I’d promised to help the Erlking kill someone. Someone other than the Faerie Queens, that is. As far as anyone could tell, that was all he was really interested in. In the grand scheme of things, killing someone was a lot worse than bartering my body, but I think I’d have had an easier time admitting that than the truth.

  “I can’t talk about it, Kimber,” I said. “I’m sorry. I just can’t.”

  “Fine,” she said in a tone that meant it was far from fine. “Whatever.”

  “Kimber…”

  “I said fine! You don’t want to talk about it, we won’t talk about it. I’m still grateful you helped Ethan.” The words were right, but the tone stayed frosty and distant.

  I wished I could think of something to say to make it all better, but nothing leapt to mind. The best I could do was change the subject and hope that over time, Kimber would come to forgive me. Or that I’d eventually dig up the courage to tell her the truth, but I wasn’t holding my breath.

  “How’s Ethan doing?” I asked. “I haven’t heard from him at all.”

  There was a long silence during which I had no idea what Kimber was thinking. Then she answered, and she didn’t sound cold anymore, just worried. “Physically, he’s just about back to normal. But … he’s not the same. He won’t talk about what happened, and he keeps saying he’s fine, but he’s not.”

  My conscience twinged a bit more. It must really suck for Kimber to be shut out from both sides. Did that mean I was going to have a change of heart and confide in her? Uh, no.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean aside from the stupid tattoo, he looks like Ethan, but he isn’t Ethan. He hasn’t cracked a smile since he came back, and he’s been all quiet and broody. I never thought I’d say it, but I miss the arrogant prick.”

  That almost made me laugh, but not quite. “He doesn’t seem to want to talk to me,” I said. “I called a couple of times, but he doesn’t answer and doesn’t return the calls. Does he … does he blame me for what happened?”

  Kimber might be pissed at me and hurt that I wouldn’t confide in her, but I guess she was still my friend, because she came right to my defense. “Of course not! How many times do I have to tell you it’s not your fault?”

  “Yeah, well, even if it’s not, that doesn’t mean he can’t blame me for it.”

  “I swear I will beat the crap out of him if he does.”

  This time I couldn’t help the little laugh that escaped me. “I’d pay money to see that.”

  “I’ll bet. But seriously, Dana. I don’t know why he’s not returning your calls, but I’d be shocked if it was because he blames you. He’s just not himself these days, and whatever’s wrong, I don’t know how to fix it, and neither does our father.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said, though I wasn’t quite sure for what. Maybe everything.

  After I hung up with Kimber, I decided that I would do to Ethan what he had done to me. He wasn’t willing to return my calls? Fine. I’d just have to go see him in person. And, thanks to the Erlking’s thoughtful gift, I’d actually be able to go see Ethan without an entourage at my back. It wasn’t the kind of risk I’d ordinarily take, but I’d already seen how well the Erlking’s brooch worked. When I invoked its powers, I was completely invisible. Therefore, I could leave my safe house all by myself and be in absolutely no danger. That was the theory, at least, and it was time to put it to the test.

  chapter twenty-one

  My best chance of getting to Ethan without anyone knowing I’d left my safe house was to go at night, after I was supposed to be in bed. Finn rarely set foot in my suite, always keeping to himself unless I initiated contact, but I didn’t trust my luck. If I decided to go during the middle of the day, that would be the one day Finn decided to come check on me for some reason.

  I felt like a total dork for doing it, but I spent a good half hour figuring out what to wear for my forbidden excursion. I doubted Ethan would have
cared about my outfit under normal circumstances, and he was even less likely to care now. But that didn’t stop me from changing three times. I finally decided on jeans, paired with a simple white button-down and a gorgeous, sinfully soft gray cashmere sweater my mom had bought me.

  The outfit didn’t look terribly special—which was kinda the point. The last thing I wanted was for Ethan to think I’d dressed up for him, even if I had. On the plus side, if Ethan decided to give me a hug, he couldn’t help but like the delicious texture of the cashmere.

  I rolled my eyes at myself as I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, braiding my hair so it wouldn’t get all electric from my sweater. This wasn’t a date, or even anything that vaguely resembled one. I was going to talk to Ethan to see if I could find out what was wrong, and that meant the chances of him enjoying the softness of the cashmere were slim to none.

  I waited until after eleven to prick my finger with the Erlking’s brooch. I was sure Ethan would still be up, but it was late enough that Finn might assume I’d gone to bed. Taking a deep breath for courage, I tiptoed through my living room and eased open the door to the guardroom.

  Of course, with the magic of the Erlking’s brooch, I didn’t need to tiptoe. Finn was sitting in his recliner reading a magazine while the TV played soundlessly in the background. He didn’t look up from the magazine when the door opened, nor did he notice me when I walked right by him and opened the door to the tunnel system. Whatever the Erlking’s charm did, it made me not just invisible, but unnoticeable.

  Taking a deep breath for courage, I switched on my flashlight and started down the tunnel.

  There was an entrance to the tunnel system in the courtyard right outside Ethan’s apartment, but I hadn’t the faintest idea how to get there from my safe house. Nor, come to think of it, would I have been able to lift the hatch that concealed the entrance from view. Which meant I had to take the long way. The Erlking had said the effects of his brooch would last for a half hour, so I kept myself moving at a brisk pace. I had more than enough time, but with my sense of direction, I had to allow for a wrong turn or two along the way.

  There were a couple of nightlife hot spots—like The Deep—in Avalon, but for the most part the streets were practically deserted after dark. As I exited the tunnel system and started making my way down Avalon’s main road, I saw only the occasional car, and even fewer pedestrians. The streets had never been lively at night, but I think they were even less so now, when everyone knew the Wild Hunt was in town.

  I made good time, and for once I didn’t get lost. I had a good ten minutes to spare by the time I rounded a corner and saw the student housing complex in which both Ethan and Kimber lived. There was a light on in Ethan’s apartment, and a shadow moved across the curtained front window. He was definitely home and awake. Now that I was here, however, I struggled against an almost unbearable urge to turn around and run away.

  What if Ethan flat-out didn’t want to see me? To have him not return my calls hurt bad enough, but if he told me to go away, I thought I might die on the spot. And then an even worse thought occurred to me: what if he wasn’t alone? If he opened the door and I saw another girl in there …

  “Oh, cut it out!” I grumbled to myself. I didn’t really believe he had a girl in there, not after what Kimber had said about how gloomy he was acting. And I hadn’t dragged myself out here in the middle of the night just to stand in the courtyard and stare at his window like a lovesick puppy.

  With worries and doubts clamoring for attention in my head, I forced my feet forward, then climbed the concrete stairs that led to the second floor. I gave myself another silent pep talk as I stood in front of Ethan’s door, my stomach doing nervous flip-flops and my heart beating double-time.

  I knocked on the door quietly at first. Then, when no one answered, I knocked a little louder. I held my breath, sure Ethan would have heard me this time, but he didn’t come to the door. I was about to knock a third time, but I noticed the little doorbell button and rang it instead. The bell rang, and moments later I heard footsteps coming my way. Once again, I held my breath.

  The door swung open, and Ethan stood framed in the light from his apartment. He was wearing a wrinkled, faded T-shirt over torn jeans. His hair was badly tousled, and the pallor of his skin made the blue stag tattoo look almost black in contrast. And yet he still took my breath away. I had come impossibly close to losing him forever, without ever having had a chance to sort out how I felt about him, and I wasn’t planning to make the same mistake twice.

  “Hi,” I said with a nervous smile, my palms sweating. “Sorry to stop by so late, but…”

  Except Ethan looked right through me, as if I weren’t there. The corners of his mouth tugged down in a frown, and he shook his head. Then he swung his door shut without saying a word.

  The pain that stabbed through me at his unequivocal rejection was like nothing else I’d ever felt before. I’d thought seeing him at the dance with another girl was bad, but having him shut me out without even a word was nearly unbearable. I’d get angry about it later, when I thought of what I’d done to save him from the Wild Hunt and how completely ungrateful he was, but for now I felt nothing but aching hurt.

  I turned around, determined not to cry, and started heading for the stairs. I checked my watch to see how much longer I had until the magic of the Erlking’s brooch wore off, and that’s when reality smacked me upside the head and surprised a nearly hysterical laugh out of me.

  Duh! Arawn had said his charm would hide me from people even if they happened to bump into me, that it wasn’t just invisibility. Ethan had looked through me like that because he couldn’t see me—or hear me.

  I felt giddy with relief, and for a moment I thought my knees were going to give out on me. I leaned against the wall outside Ethan’s door and breathed slowly in and out, calming myself little by little. Then I watched the second hand on my watch tick-tick-tick away the time until the Erlking’s spell wore off.

  When the thirty minutes were up, I waited a little longer, just in case the duration of the spell was approximate, but standing outside in full view of anyone who chanced to see made me too uneasy. The chances that one of my enemies would just happen to see me here for the couple minutes I was visible were extremely slim, but I didn’t exactly have nerves of steel.

  I rang the doorbell once again. This time when Ethan’s footsteps approached, his tread sounded heavy, like he was stomping instead of just walking. He flung open the door, and magic prickled against my skin. His face was twisted into a fierce scowl, an expression I’d never seen him wear before, and his hands were fisted at his sides. The sensation of magic intensified, and my mouth dropped open as I realized he was about to cast some kind of spell. I didn’t think it was going to be anything nice, either.

  Ethan’s eyes locked on my face, and there was no doubt he saw me this time. The magic fizzled and died, and the scowl faded to a more neutral, guarded expression.

  “Dana?” he asked, as if he couldn’t quite believe his eyes.

  Nerves made me shove my hands in my pockets and hunch my shoulders. “In the flesh.”

  He blinked a couple of times, then glanced around the landing, taking in the fact that there were no bodyguards in sight.

  “Idiot,” he said under his breath, then grabbed my arm in a grip hard enough to bruise and yanked me over the threshold, banging the door shut behind him.

  I was too shocked by his behavior to manage a protest. I thought sure he was going to apologize for manhandling me like that, but instead he shoved me against the wall of the foyer and shook his finger in my face.

  “Stay here!” he ordered, then stomped into the living room and yanked on the curtains, trying to close the tiny gap between them.

  Kimber hadn’t been kidding when she said he wasn’t acting like himself. I ignored his order and followed him into the living room, resisting the urge to rub the soon-to-be bruises on my arm.

  “Stop messing with the curtains,” I to
ld him. “No one’s going to see me through that gap.”

  He let go of the curtains with an irritated grunt. He turned to face me, but his eyes were focused just over my left shoulder, like he couldn’t bear to look at me. “What the hell are you doing here?” he growled.

  This was definitely not the reception I’d been hoping for, and I felt every shred of my self-confidence draining out through my toes. I felt like some geeky little schoolgirl who had a pathetic crush on a guy way out of her league. I tried not to let that show on my face.

  “You wouldn’t return my calls,” I said, then hated myself for sounding so needy. He’d been giving me a not-so-subtle hint when he’d refused to call me back. Why hadn’t I paid attention?

  “Jesus, Dana! Half the world would like to see you dead, and you decide it’s a good time to go wandering the streets of Avalon all by yourself late at night? Do you have a death wish, or are you just mental?”

  Every word he said was like a knife in my heart. He must have been playing me all along, I realized. No way could he be this horribly cruel to me if he’d ever really cared about me. I’d come here expecting him to be unhappy with me, though I’d assumed it would have something to do with the Erlking. I hadn’t for a moment expected him to be like this.

  I could have defended myself and told him about the Erlking’s charm. I didn’t like letting him think I was stupid enough to ditch my bodyguard without any other form of protection. But explaining would have meant hanging around, and I didn’t have the stomach for it.

  “If I’d known this was how you were going to be, I’d have let the Erlking keep you,” I said, and had the satisfaction of seeing Ethan wince. I didn’t mean it, of course. An immortal lifetime of slavery was a bit of a harsh punishment for being an asshole. But I’d been getting into a nasty habit of lashing out lately, and right now I didn’t have any inclination to break myself of it.

  “Sorry I bothered you,” I continued, turning toward the door. “I’ll try to get back home without getting myself killed, but you know since I’m a crazy moron with a death wish, I can’t make any promises.”