New World Order

  “Don’t worry, Tony,” said Tim, “Total boringsville. You didn’t even have any penis messages.” Tim continued to slice and dice the enemy strawberry that now looked like it had been in a very serious accident with a big piece of farm equipment used to hack down large stalks of wheat.

  “Not to worry. Tim only goes in looking for spam. He didn’t find any in your account.”

  “Yeah. I put up a cool spam filter. Nothing gets past it.”

  “Well, some messages from your parents did. Or someone impersonating your parents.”

  “What?” asked Tony, visibly disturbed. “My parents emailed me?” He stood as if to go.

  I grabbed his forearm and forced him to sit back down. “Not so fast, Baloney. I have to tell you about my emails first.”

  Tony slowly sat back down in his seat. “Okay, so tell me. But as soon as you’re done, I’m going to the computer room.”

  “Fine.” I looked up to see Scrum walking over, being trailed by Gorm.

  “Scrum, pull up a chair,” I said. “You too, Gormagon. We’re discussing some disturbing emails Tony and I got.”

  Finn mouthed the question, “Gormagon?” at me.

  I just shrugged in response. I had a thing with nicknames sometimes. It seemed to fit. Maybe I’d look it up online later to see if it actually meant anything.

  Two chairs were dragged over in short order and I began the story, telling them what Tim and I found on the two accounts. When I finished I said, “So, what bothers me is that we both had exactly ten messages, they were both repeats – except mine that had one last desperate one that was so not like my mom it’s not even funny – and they were sent on the same days and times. And they’re both demanding that we come home.” I looked around at the serious faces around me. “Weird, right? Weird? Or is it just me?”

  Tony shook his head. “No, it’s not just you. It’s weird. Our parents don’t exactly get along. I can’t imagine them getting together and coordinating emails like that.”

  I snorted. “That’s putting it mildly. Your parents think my mom is a sleezebag.”

  “She’s not. Her husband is, but not her.”

  “You’re right. She’s just a ... blind, weak ... I don’t know what.”

  Tim stopped his torture of the fruit to comment. “It’s not like you to be unable to come up with the perfect insult, Jayne. Something tells me you need a little time on Doctor Tim’s psychoanalysis couch.”

  I smiled briefly, shaking my head at his silliness. I was glad to see he was moving constructively past his anger over Abby – at least for now.

  “Well, I for one think you should talk to them council members or at least Dardennes about it,” said Finn. “If someone’s tryin’ to get you to come home, they’re gonna have to be involved anyhow. They’re the ones with the keys to the plane.”

  “I agree,” said Spike. “And sooner rather than later. They’re going to be really busy with all these fae coming in.”

  “I noticed some new faces in here tonight,” I said, curiosity getting the better of me. “Anyone know who’s who?”

  Tony spoke up. “We’ve gotten twenty-eight fae in so far. Another load is due in anytime, coming from all over Europe. We are expecting several more groups tomorrow. That will be about all of them.”

  “What kind of fae are we getting?” I asked, taking note of the various tunics I saw around me. It looked like we had a fair number of elves, which was good. They were awesome fighters and I could link with them, no problem. I saw two witches, and made a mental note to introduce myself to them as soon as I had a chance. Burning the bridge by pissing Maggie off had temporarily left me without a witch-partner to help me out with cures and stuff when I inadvertently screwed things up. Every elemental needs a good witch friend on stand-by. That was my new motto – one of them anyway.

  Tony continued, interrupting my train of thought, “Lots of green elves are coming, some gray elves. A group of dwarves from inside some mountain somewhere, too. I hear they’re bringing lots of iron weapons with them.”

  “Iron weapons? What’s that all about?” asked Scrum.

  “They’re known for that stuff. They have, I don’t know, magical properties to them or something. Like the axe I have, that I was told I used in the changeling test.”

  “Cool. Who else is coming?”

  Tony looked up toward his brain as if he could read some list he had there. “Let’s see ... some ogres, some silver elves, a couple of wood sprites, ... ”

  I had to roll my eyes at that one. I couldn’t imagine them doing anything but hiding in the trees when the Dark Fae came marching in.

  “ ... oh, and a siren and one wrathe.”

  My face brightened. “Oh cool! One of your kind, Tony! You’re gonna learn so much!”

  “I know,” said Tony, smiling his head off, “I’m psyched. I can’t wait to talk to him about the Gray.”

  “I’d like to be in on that conversation,” said Spike.

  “Me too,” I agreed.

  Tony shrugged. “You guys are all welcome. It’s no secret what I do. I’ll share with anyone who wants to know.”

  “Can I come too?” asked Scrum.

  “Sure,” said Tony. “Scrum, you’re always invited. You don’t need to ask.”

  Scrum’s face lit up and his ears got pink. “Thanks, Tony,” he said softly.

  I punched him in the shoulder just to help him get over whatever it was that was making him feel weird. He looked at me and smiled, totally getting me, I think. One could never totally tell with Scrum, though. Sometimes the guy would be out in the weeds somewhere just when you thought for sure he was on board and completely in synch.

  “Any incubi coming along?” asked Spike, all quiet now.

  “No,” said Tony, his eyes sparkling with mischief. “But I heard we have a pair of succubi coming – twins – on their way from California.”

  Spike gripped the edge of the table, his face jutting out towards Tony. “No!”

  “Yes!” said Tony, enthusiastically. “There are more than a few fae excited to meet them. Apparently they’re very attractive.”

  Spike ran his hands through his hair nervously. “I need a haircut. I need a new shirt.”

  I laughed. Of all the things to worry about right now ... “No you don’t. You look awesome.”

  “Cut my hair, Jayne. I need a haircut bad.”

  “Me? Are you crazy? You want to end up looking like Scrum?”

  Scrum reached his hand up to his fluffy mess. “What’s wrong with my hair?”

  “Nothing! If you’re a dirt-eating gnome!” yelled Tim, laughing maniacally after.

  “I’m just messing with you, Scrum. Your hair is fine.”

  Scrum frowned, but moved his hand away from his head, looking as if he didn’t quite believe me.

  “Please, Jayne? I’ll do anything.”

  “Anything?” I asked. Possibilities began running through my head. Personal slave for a day, masseuse, Chase kidnapper, hmmmm.

  “Okay, fine. Find me some scissors and a comb and bring them to my room later. But no fair blaming me if I screw up the ‘do. I’m not a professional. I cut Tony’s hair a couple times, but it didn’t always work out so well.”

  “Yeah. I remember one time having to go to the barber after, and he asked me if I’d used a weed whacker to cut my own hair.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, that was a bad one. Ahh, the memories.” I looked over at Spike, raising an eyebrow. “Consider yourself warned.”

  “I’m cool with it. I’ll just gel it if you screw it up.”

  I shrugged. “Can we get back to the important stuff now? Like weird emails from weird parents?”

  Tony looked at me with a serious look on his face and said, “Do you think they were from our parents, really? Or someone else? Since apparently my email isn’t exactly a secure account, it could have been anyone, really.”

  “I think they’re from someone else. It’s just too coincidental and too unlike them.” br />
  “So what do we do about it?”

  “I think we do what Finn suggested. Let’s talk to Dardennes about it.”

  “Okay.” Tony put his fork down. “I’m ready now.”

  “Well, I still have to eat. Why don’t you go to the computer room and take a look?”

  Tony stood. “Anyone want to go with me?”

  Scrum looked at Gorm before saying, “We’ll go. We’ve finished eating.”

  Spike stood too. “I’ll meet up with you guys later in Jayne’s room. I have to go find a new pair of pants. And a shirt. And maybe some shoes.”

  I shook my head. Guys are so pitiful. Someone says ‘pretty twins’ and they get all stupid on themselves. It would serve him right if they sucked the life out of him. I sincerely hoped they wouldn’t, but still.

  “Are you jealous?” asked Tim as Spike walked away.

  “Jealous? Of who?”

  “Of the twins, of course. Who else would I be talking about?”

  “You could be talking about yourself.”

  “Pfft. I don’t need to ask that question. I know you’re jealous of my awesomeness. Everyone is. Could you imagine what you could do with wings? No, crazy eyes, you couldn’t. Because it’s too amazing to even imagine. Naturally you’re envious of me. I try not to rub it in, though. That wouldn’t be polite.”

  “And you’re nothing but polite, right?”

  “Of course. My mother raised me right. Everyone says so.”

  “Mmmm-hmmm,” I said non-committally.

  “Don’t talk about my momma,” warned Tim, holding his tiny knife out towards my face.

  “What?” I laughed, “Are you gonna cut me if I do?”

  “No. Yes. Maybe.”

  “Tim, your momma is sooo ugly ... ”

  “Jayne, I’m warning you ... ”

  “Her brownie replaced all her tunics with brown ones.”

  Tim gasped. “You! Oh. No. You. Did not just call my momma an ogre!”

  I started laughing so hard, I had to hold my stomach. All the stress of worrying about some mystery asshole possibly impersonating my mother was coming out in gasps now. It felt awesome. Tim was stomping around the table, mumbling about the revenge he was going to get on me later.

  He jerked his head towards me, fluttering his wings so fast I could hardly see them, elevating himself slowly and dramatically up to my eye-level. “You do realize, I have my wings back, right?”

  I looked at him with my mouth forcefully pushed into a frown, trying to pretend I was no longer laughing, but short bursts of giggles kept sneaking through. “Yes, Doctor Tim.”

  “And you realize, I could cut you up like a big fat strawberry, right?”

  I blinked hard a few times, trying to keep the laughter at bay and the tears of hilarity from falling out of my eyes. “Yes, Doctor Tim.”

  “Then I suggest. That you check yourself. Before you wreck yourself. Girl!”

  The laugh came blasting out of my mouth so forcefully, the gust of breath-wind and sound blew Tim backwards and into an uncontrolled spinout that resulted in him falling to the table and rolling over a few times like a pixie tumbleweed. He came to rest in a sitting position, his hair all over the place and his tunic askew.

  He jumped to his feet and immediately began putting his hair to rights – then he started brushing off his tunic and pants, dusting off every last bit of lint or other invisible thing, before turning to face me.

  “Consider yourself on my bad list until further notice,” he snipped.

  I play-frowned at him. “Is that like being on Santa’s bad list, by any chance?”

  “It’s worse.”

  “Oh, shit. That sucks.”

  “Yes, Jayne, it does. It really does,” he said haughtily.

  “I’m sorry I talked bad about your momma.” I used every ounce of energy I had to keep more laughter from bubbling to the surface. I had to sleep in the same room with him and I really didn’t want him mad at me. “Seriously. I know she’s awesome.”

  “You don’t even know her.”

  “Yeah, but look at her son. How could she be anything less?”

  “Flattery doesn’t work on me, Jayne.” He reached over without thinking and started brushing one of his wings, a sure sign he was feeling good about himself.

  “Oh, I know. I’m not flattering you. I’m just telling it like it is. You’re smart, good-looking, nice ... ”

  “Don’t forget crafty. And my hacking skills, too.”

  “Oh, you’re a hacker now?”

  “Shoot, I’ve been a hacker for years. I told you before. Pixies are good with electronics.”

  I nodded my head. “I did forget. And that’s good to know. So ... yeah. You’re awesome. I’m not worthy.”

  He nodded, in complete agreement with me.

  “So are we good then? On the momma thing?”

  Tim thought about it for a second and then said, “Yeah, okay. We’re good. Just be careful. Pixies love their mommas. A lot.”

  “Okay. No more momma jokes. But hey – you have to admit. That was a good one.”

  Tim frowned at me. “If it was about someone else’s momma, then I’d agree with you. But no. It was not funny at all.”

  I could see him trying not to smile, so I let it slide. The evil part of me was happy to have found another hot button with him. I did so love to tease me some pixie. But the survivor in me told me to save the momma jokes for only very special occasions. It was very potent stuff, only to be used in case of fire or other imminent peril.

  I finished my dinner in record time and then stood, looking at Finn. “You ready to hunt down Dardennes with us? Or are you going to your room or whatever?”

  “Nah, I’ll go with you. I ain’t got nothin’ better to do.”

  We left the room, and found our way to Dardennes’ door. We knocked three times and entered, finding Tony, Scrum and Gorm already there.

  They turned to look at us as we entered, Dardennes smiling broadly at our appearance. “Jayne. Finn. So nice to see you.”

  Tim flew over and did a pirouette right in front of Dardennes’ face.

  “Oh, and Tim. I’m sorry, I didn’t notice you before. My, what handsome wings you’ve grown since I saw you last. Very impressive.”

  I winked at Dardennes and he nodded his head to me very slightly. Obviously the old guy knew his pixie stuff. Tim was happily preening on the corner of the silver elf’s desk now, basking in the glow of his own amazingness.

  I shook my head. It was almost too easy.

  “Tony was just telling me about the emails you’ve received.”

  “Yeah. So, what’s the verdict? Fair or foul? Should we be worried?”

  “I’m not certain. I’ve asked Tony to take this matter to the gray elves for their review. I trust their judgment implicitly. We can decide what to do after we’ve heard from them.” He looked first at Tony and then at me. “Do you wish to go see your families? I would normally recommend a quick trip in the Gray, for you Tony at least, but in this case, I don’t think it would work. You won’t see exactly what’s going on and the haze that’s present could completely skew the reality. It could cause more harm than good, especially if there’s a ... presence ... there.”

  I looked at Tony and he looked at me. We both shrugged at each other.

  I spoke first. “We haven’t really talked about it yet. I guess I am kind of worried something’s wrong with my mom. Even if it wasn’t her, it’s someone pretending to be her, so ... I don’t know ... maybe she’s in danger. And that bothers me.”

  “That’s how I feel too,” said Tony, nodding his head at me. “My parents don’t deserve to be dragged into our fae business. I’d just as soon keep them apart from it all. But if the fae are there, causing problems, I’d like to go take care of it. And if you say it’s not a good idea to go through the Gray, I’m willing to travel there by plane. Immediately.”

  “They could be gettin’ into the email from anywhere,” said Finn. “Goin??
? home ain’t gonna do nothin’ ‘cept get you right where they want you.”

  “Yeah, but what if it’s real?” I asked. “What if my mom is really ill or something?”

  “Have you emailed your parents back?” asked Dardennes.

  I shook my head as did Tony.

  “Perhaps that would be a good first step. Why don’t you just ask them for a simple explanation of the problem and take whatever their response is back to the gray elves for them to analyze. Once we get their feedback we’ll decide what to do about it.”

  I nodded and so did Tony. I looked at Finn and he stuck his bottom lip out, shrugging his shoulders, as if to say he agreed. I looked at Scrum to get his opinion, but he was busy grabbing Gorm’s arm and shaking his head firmly back and forth. I noticed then that Gorm’s other hand had been slowly reaching out towards Tim, still on the corner of the desk, now totally involved in the grooming of his iridescent wings. Uh-oh. It looked like Gorm was thinking a pixie might be the perfect dessert to top off his meal of squirmy wormies. I took a step to my right, effectively coming between him and Tim. No need to let Tim know he was in mortal danger. We’d already seen the real Chase pixelated; no need to see a buggane-Chase pixelated too.

  I twisted my head around to look at Gorm and saw him pouting, his hands back where they belonged. I sent Scrum a look of gratitude and he nodded his head at me, quickly putting his eyes back on Gorm. I felt much better knowing Scrum was around, now that Gorm had declared his duty done.

  “Ready to go to the computer room, Jayne?” asked Tony.

  “Sure.”

  “Thank you for stopping by. I feel as though I’ve hardly spoken to you these days,” said Dardennes.

  I was a little surprised that he sounded bummed about that.

  “Anytime you need to speak with me, please don’t hesitate to come by my office.”

  We all mumbled our thanks and goodbyes and made a hasty retreat. When he acted all nicey nice like that it made me a little nervous. I’m not sure why. Maybe because I knew he had a dark past and all this hidden power stuff going on, and yet, it wasn’t noticeable on the outside. He seemed just like a nice old grandpa sometimes.

  We went to the computer room, en masse. We squeezed into the small space, Tony and I logging onto our accounts as everyone looked over our shoulders. There were two new messages, one on each of our accounts.