Sloth

  Reed turned to exchange a glance with Fish, but the drummer had already laid his head down on the snare drum and shut his eyes. So much for the gig.

  Reed stumbled off the makeshift stage and began to walk without a direction in mind. This wasn’t his scene. Some asshole in a letter jacket with a squealing girl slung over his shoulder slammed into him with a glare and a warning. “Watch it, loser!”

  Definitely not his scene.

  He was well away from the party and halfway to his car when he realized that he wasn’t alone. He didn’t turn around to see who was following him, figuring that whoever it was would eventually reveal themselves or, preferably, lose interest and wander away.

  It took about five minutes.

  “Reed?” Her voice was tentative and musical.

  He turned around. “Hey.” She looked good. Reed hated himself for noticing.

  “Leaving?” Beth asked. “It’s early.”

  “Yeah.” He shrugged. “I’m just . . .” He wasn’t leaving. He had a tent and a sleeping bag in the truck, and he had a plan. He and the guys were going to hike out to somewhere quiet and alone and have a party of their own. But the guys were useless. “... you know.”

  “Yeah.” Beth gave him a wry smile. “This isn’t really my thing either.”

  “Really?” She was too blond and beautiful not to be one of those girls.

  “I hate parties.” There was a pause, though not an awkward one. “I guess I’m going too.”

  “Unless—” He wanted to be alone. But even with her there, he felt alone—in a good way. He didn’t have to put on a show. And maybe—he remembered her tears, and the way she’d shaken in his arms—maybe there were some things she could understand. “You want to hang? You know, just for a while?”

  Her eyebrows crinkled together, and there was another pause. Maybe she was trying to decide if he was good enough for her, or what the odds were of anyone seeing them together. Reed decided to forget the whole thing. But she spoke before he could. “Yeah. Okay. Let’s, uh . . . hang.”

  “Cool,” he said, wondering if that unclenching in his shoulder blades was relief.

  “Cool.”

  “Baby, you are so hot!” the guy said, nuzzling his greasy head into Harper’s chest. Harper’s head lolled back, her eyes half closed. The guy’s fingers crept up her thigh and across her stomach and, encountering no resistance, began to unbutton her shirt. “I mean, damn!” he exclaimed, catching his first glimpse of her bare cleavage and pale, creamy skin. “Makes me wanna—”

  “Hold that thought,” Kane drawled, clamping an iron grip around the guy’s scrawny shoulders and tossing him away. “We’ll get back to you.”

  “What’s it to you?” the loser whined, trying to elbow Kane out of the way. “Jealous? She wants me.”

  Kane looked down at Harper, sitting cross-legged on the ground, slumped over at the waist now that there was no one left propping her up, her tangled hair falling over her face. She looked limp and pliable, like a doll that would be content however you posed her.

  “She doesn’t know what she wants,” Kane murmured, then turned toward the greasy loser and smiled. He didn’t need to raise a fist to convey his warning. “You should probably get out of here, asshole. Now.”

  Kane could have taken the guy in a fight, but he knew it would never come to that. Even a loser like this knew that Kane had all the power, and knew better than to stick around.

  “You okay, Grace?” Kane asked, hauling her up. She lifted her head and scowled.

  “What are you doing?” she asked, her voice slurred.

  “Rescuing you, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

  She shook him away. ”I don’t need rescuing. I was fine.”

  “Yeah, you and Drunky McDateRapist were having a grand old time.”

  “I can hook up with whoever I want.”

  “Your warm gratitude means the world to me,” he said dryly. This knight-in-shining-armor business didn’t come with many perks. Probably a good thing: A few more good deeds and his rep would end up in the toilet.

  Standing up and arguing seemed to revive her a bit, because the color seeped back into her face and her hand suddenly squeezed down on his. “Let’s go!” she cried.

  A manic-depressive drunk. Great. Party on, Kane, he thought sourly, wondering if it was sexist to believe girls couldn’t hold their liquor. Not that he wasn’t already an unapologetic sexist—he just liked to be consistent. “Go where?” he asked wearily.

  “Dance!” she tugged him toward the whirling crowd, thrashing her head in time to the tinny hip-hop bursting from some cheap speakers. “Come on.”

  “I don’t dance,” he reminded her, reluctant to leave her alone again. “How about we go visit your good friend Miranda. She’s just over—”

  “Shut up and dance with me,” she said, threading a finger through his belt loop and pulling him toward her. She ignored the pulsing beat and instead collapsed into his arms, hanging around his neck and swaying back and forth. “Stop rescuing me,” she said, her voice muffled by his shirt.

  “Stop screwing up,” he suggested.

  She dragged herself up a few inches and propped her chin up against his chest so that, when he looked down at her, their lips nearly met. “I know what you want,” she said, too loudly, a harsh smile twisting her face.

  “A private jet? A harem? My own private island?”

  “Stop!” she cried, hitting against his chest.

  “Stop what?”

  “Being nice to me.”

  Kane tilted his head down enough that their foreheads touched. “I’m never nice. You know that.”

  Before he knew what was happening, she’d pushed herself up on her toes and kissed him, her hands tightening around his neck. A soft moan escaped her as she pulled away.

  “Now I know you’re drunk,” he joked, his mouth on autopilot as he struggled to plot his next move.

  “Shut up,” she murmured, kissing his chest, sucking on the bare skin at the nape of his neck.

  “You don’t know what you’re doing, Grace,” he warned her, halfheartedly trying to push her away.

  “Who cares?” And then her lips were on his again, her tongue probing, her hands massaging his back and then slipping beneath his shirt and clawing against his skin.

  If he were a cartoon character, this is the point at which the tiny angel and devil would pop into existence, one perched on each shoulder.

  Angel, complete with halo and miniature golden harp: She’s drunk. She’s self-destructive. She’s out of her mind.

  Devil, with red horns and a familiar smirk: She’s drunk. You’re drunk. Let’s party. It’s all good.

  Angel: She doesn’t really want you.

  Devil: Everyone wants you. Don’t be stupid.

  Angel: Don’t be evil.

  Devil, jabbing him with his tiny pitchfork: Don’t forget about that tight ass, and her magic fingers crawling down toward your waistband, and—is that a black thong peeking out over her jeans?

  Angel: Ohhh, definitely a thong. And that ass . . .

  Devil: Told you so.

  Angel: And that thing she’s doing with your ear?

  Devil: Do they give gold medals for tongue aerobics?

  Angel, slapping the devil five: God, she’s good.

  Devil: Hallelujah.

  Kane groaned, half in pleasure and half in torture, as he wrestled with himself (and with Harper). And while he deliberated, she kissed him, and groped him, and he let it happen, their bodies tangling together and his mind s voice growing quieter and quieter, drowned in the force of desperate, physical need.

  He’d push her away.

  He would.

  In a minute.

  Miranda wandered unsteadily through the crowd. At least the world had stopped spinning and her head had stopped throbbing. But as her mind and vision cleared, she’d realized she was sitting alone on a rock, waiting for someone who, apparently, wasn’t coming back.

  She was still
drunk enough to go and look for him.

  First she flipped open her pocket-size mirror and checked things out. Eye shadow a little smeared, mascara intact, fresh coat of “Midnight Rose”-colored lipstick in hopes of looking extra kissable, and she was ready to go.

  He wasn’t hanging with the stoners, who were sprawled on their backs, passing around a massive bong.

  He wasn’t, thank god, groping the cheerleaders or charming the prom committee.

  He wasn’t wandering along the edges of the crowd, looking for her.

  He wasn’t by the keg, or the speakers, or the jocks, or the trees.

  And then time stopped.

  She didn’t see it as a fluid series of events, but rather as a series of frozen snapshots, flashing in front of her eyes and then fading away:

  Kane’s back, and a girl’s arms roaming across it.

  Curly auburn hair falling across a shoulder.

  Two faces in profile, eyes closed, tongues locked.

  Harper, her eyes open, locked on Miranda. Her smile.

  Harper turning away, kissing him again.

  Miranda sat down where she’d been standing, Harper and Kane fading from view. All she could see now were people’s legs and feet, some walking, some dancing, some standing around, some wrapped up in others. She tried to catch her breath.

  She’s drunk, Miranda told herself. Self-destructive. She doesn’t know what she’s doing.

  But Harper had stopped. Looked at Miranda. Smiled and turned away. She knew exactly what she was doing.

  Miranda suddenly felt completely sober and clear. But she couldn’t have been, or she wouldn’t have stood up and walked purposefully off toward the crops of Joshua trees, where she’d seen half the basketball team breaking bottles and doing keg stands. If she wasn’t drunk, where did she get the nerve to wrap her arms around Adam and whisper in his ear, “I need you, now”?

  She didn’t think about the consequences or fear humiliation. She just acted, tugging him away from the group, deeper into the trees. She didn’t need to think. She’d come to this party to give in to her desires. At the time, those had been: longing, lust, hope.

  Now they’d been replaced with one: revenge. She didn’t pause to acknowledge that to herself or explain it to Adam. She didn’t even need to take a deep breath before kissing him. And she had to admit that Harper had been right. The chiseled face and perfect body was a definite turn-on. As was the prospect of smashing Harper’s heart to pieces.

  “Miranda?” Adam was out of it, completely, his face slack and his words thick. “Whuh?”

  “This doesn’t have to mean anything,” she said, stripping off her shirt. “It’s just for fun.” She tugged at the edge of his shirt and stumbled against him. “It’s a party, right?”

  Adam didn’t say anything. But he let her tug him down to the ground, and he didn’t resist as she ran her fingers through his hair. She didn’t know how to seduce someone, or how to follow up the first move with a second one. Harper would know.

  Harper was probably doing it right now.

  She lay down on her side, ignoring the sharp edges digging into her. “Come here,” she told Adam, hooking her finger into his collar and jerking him toward her. He toppled over with a grunt, then rolled to face her. “Miranda, I’m not really—”

  “You waiting around for Harper?” she snapped, enjoying his wince. Suddenly it seemed like the whole world should share in her pain. See? I can be just like you, she told Harper silently. I can be cold, and I can take what you want. “She’s with Kane. Déjà vu all over again, right?”

  “Shuddup.”

  “Kane gets everything, and you get—”

  “Shut up.” Louder this time.

  “Make me,” Miranda challenged, jerking her face toward his. Their noses bumped, and then awkwardly but without hesitation, their lips met.

  His face was stubbly and his hair too short. His breath was sour, his kiss was rough, angry, but at least she had acted. And her eyes were dry. He grunted like an animal, and she accidentally bit his tongue, and the rocks beneath them felt like they were drawing blood. But she persevered. She closed her eyes, kissed him harder, and tried not to pretend he was someone else.

  Beth drew in a breath and tried not to cough out the smoke. “This is harder than it looks,” she sputtered, lying back against the sleeping bag.

  “You’ll get the hang of it,” Reed assured her. He lay down next to her, and for a long time all she could hear was their breathing, and the whistling of the wind. “You feeling anything?” he asked.

  “I don’t know . . .”The words sounded strange, and felt strange, as if her tongue had suddenly doubled in size. She stuck it out at him. “Does my tongue look weird?” (This came out sounding more like, “Doz ba tog look eered?”) She burst into giggles before he could answer.

  “Yeah, you’re feeling it,” he said, satisfied.

  Beth waved her hand in front of her face, marveling at the fact that it was too dark to see. Maybe I don’t have a hand anymore, she thought. Maybe I’m just a mind. The theory seemed startlingly profound, and she was about to explain it to Reed, but the words slipped away from her.

  “I never knew why she was with me, you know?” His words seemed like they were dropping out of the sky, unconnected to either of them. “I mean, I’m . . . and she was ... yeah. Like the way she talked. It was like everything she said came out of a book. Like . . .”

  Beth zoned out, just listening to the pleasant rise and fall of his voice, tuning for scattered words and phrases— “never again”; “in the water”; “can’t stop”; “sundress”; “going crazy”; and, several times, “why”—but she couldn’t focus enough to draw them together into a single thread. Every time she tried, she would realize that the ground was hard and soft at the same time, or that the air tasted like peppermint, and she would wander off into her head.

  Until it occurred to her: Maybe he was onto her. Maybe he knew her secret. He knew exactly what she’d done, and what she was hiding, and this was his way of torturing her. Beth jerked herself upright and curled her legs up to her chest, trying to catch her breath. He would pretend to be nice to her, and then, just when she felt safe, he would bring the cage down, trap her in her lies, and destroy her. Which was what she deserved. And of course he hated her. She tried to look at his expression, to see if she could find the hatred in his eyes, but it was too dark. She didn’t know what he was thinking, but what if he knew what she was thinking? The truth was so obvious, he must know. He must be waiting, biding his time, and then—

  “Hey.” His hand was on her back. His voice didn’t sound angry. “What is it?”

  “Nothing,” she said quickly, gasping for breath. Would he hear the lies in her voice? “I have to get out of here.” Away from him.

  She tried to stand up, but he stopped her. “Chill. Wait,” he urged. “It’s not real, whatever it is. It’s just the weed. It’s just something that happens.” He rubbed her back, and she bent her head to her knees. “Deep breaths,” he advised, rubbing her back. “Slow, deep breaths.”

  “I know you know,” she said feverishly. “I know you know I know you know you know you know ...” She repeated the words so many times, they lost all meaning and became absurd, like a made-up language. “Owyoo no new oh,” she said experimentally. It suddenly seemed ridiculous that some noises had so much meaning and others were just noise. “New yo I you?” she asked, bursting into laughter as Reed gaped at her in confusion.

  Words were so weird.

  “Weird,” she said, testing out the sound. “Weeeeeeeeeird.”

  Reed shook his head, bemused. “Yes, you are.”

  She lay down again on her back, her breathing slowed and her mind clear. Just like the stars, which seemed so bright, like they were holes in the sky. The desert was cold, and empty, but she didn’t feel alone. Even though she couldn’t see him, she knew he was there.

  The world seemed so huge, and so small at the same time, like she and Reed were th
e only things in existence. And wouldn’t everything be so much easier if that were true. The world felt fresh. The sharp wind against her face, the rough polyester beneath her. Reed’s hand brushing, just slightly, against hers—she’d never felt so there.

  “Are you happy?” she asked.

  “No. You?”

  “No. But—” She searched for the words that described how she did feel, a certainty that she’d never be happy combined with a strange acceptance and even contentment, as if she was floating along and the current was strong but she could trust where it would take her, so she could just close her eyes, sink back, and relax. She felt like she understood everything at once, with a deep clarity— but when she tried to name it, assign words and sentences to the certainty, it flowed away. The closer she drew, the blurrier it got. So she gave up. “But it’s okay,” she concluded simply.

  She heard Reed take a sharp, deep breath and let it out slowly. “Yeah. It’s okay. Everything is.”

  chapter

  _______________

  10

  “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” Miranda opened her eyes. Her first mistake. The morning light burned.

  She twisted her head to the left. Mistake number two. The world spun, her stomach lurched, her muscles screamed. Her cottonmouth filled with the sour taste of bile.

  Better not to move.

  Go slow, she warned herself. Focused on taking one breath, then another, tried to ignore the throbbing pain in her head. Take stock:

  Arms and legs: fully functional. Too heavy to move.

  Location: burning white sun, jagged rocks digging into her back. So, outside. Somewhere, for some reason.

  Miscellaneous: Shirt on the ground. Bra unhooked. Her left arm squashed between her chest and the ground, her right arm propped up on something. Something that moved.

  Uh-oh.

  Her breathing was like thunder in her ears. She held it. The roaring stopped. And she heard him.