The Hand That Holds Mine

  “Joshua, do we have to go back?” I ask gripping his jacket and not wanting to let go of him.

  He lifts my face up, pulling it close to his. Gazing over my face he leans in and brushes his soft lips against mine, “I wish we didn’t.”

  Chapter 8

  ~ Adeline ~

  I wake up coughing up blood and my head spinning. Deb rushes to my side and Jeneba looks on as Pamela looks me over. “She isn’t taking her meds.” Deb says to her.

  “She is doing what she needs to do.” Pamela says defending me without me saying a word.

  “She is killing herself. She is in pain and she needs morphine not …”

  “Her fantasies?” Pamela asks her.

  I lie back and Pamela leaves me to rest but Deb, grips my hand, “Adeline, I beg you to stop this and take your medication. It doesn’t look like you have taken any of it in days. You’re getting weaker and you are obviously not thinking straight.”

  “I’m fine,” I say gritting my teeth. “I am getting better and …” I gulp cringing at the pain shooting through me. “I have never been able to think clearer.” Groaning and fisting my sheets, I lean up to her, “Leave me alone if you can’t support me.”

  “Well I am certainly not going to stay here and watch you kill yourself.” She says grabbing her things and leaving.

  ~

  Joshua’s hand is a welcoming end to my day. I have barely been able to contain the pain until he touches me again. He doesn’t even allow me to step to my feet, wrapping my arms around his neck, he lifts me up and carries me out of my house. He takes me to the most beautiful waterfall, where we strip down into our underwear and leap into the heated water below the falls. Josh’s masculine body glistens in the moonlight, highlighting his every muscle all the way down to his luscious hipbones sitting just above his underwear. This is more than I have ever seen of him and I can barely think straight. His tender touch brings me into his arms and I joyfully float against his chest.

  “I love how you feel to me.” He says pressing his lips to my cheek. My rapidly beating heart skips a beat as his lips near my own. “I want to kiss you …” His whispering desire, fills me with fire and I take in his sweet lips to mine. Caressing every move of his lips, I move my hands over his body acquainting myself with every part of him - his arms, his chest, the power in his touch and the love within his kiss. He feels over my body squeezing and rubbing me closer to him causing us both to moan out into the night air.

  Breathless I lean back to look him over, “I don’t think this is supposed to happen. You are supposed to be with someone else.”

  “But how can I be with someone else when all I want is you?” Kissing me again he runs his fingers through my hair and holds me close, “I feel everything that you do Adeline, I live only because of you. You are so beautiful to me. I know I am supposed to be searching for the one for me, the love of my life. But how can I bring myself to search for someone that I feel I have already found?” He smiles wiping the tear from my face. “I can’t stop wanting you, Adeline. I have tried but then you cry out for me and I have to go to you. Hold you and wish all your pain away. Maybe we aren’t right for each other but …” With no words spoken we easily communicate our desires.

  “Can we simply … enjoy now?” He nods and lifts me high above the water and eases me right back into his secure arms, spinning us both into circles of smiles and laughter. If I had any question about his true existence, it all disappears the moment I feel the love in his kiss, his whispering adoration against my ear and his affectionate touch through my hair. No love like this can be imagined, could make me feel so free, or feel as if I have found the place where I belong. I could die in his arms right here and now, I could be eternally happy right here in the warmth of his embrace. The bright moon begins to blur and my eyes fade into the back of my head releasing the depths of my soul to him and giving him the last of what he was searching for and the freedom to release his own to me. “I don’t want you to leave me this time, Joshua.”

  “I want you … too.” He nudges my lips with his. “This feels right, you feel so right to me.” He sits back taking my face into his hand … marry me, Adeline. I want to make love to you whenever we want. I want to hold you from the moment we fall asleep until the sun rises and beyond. I want you to have our children and grow old with me. You are my forever, and I yours. I know it to be true.” Staring into his loving eyes, I want nothing more than to say yes but I don’t know how. My silence hushes his request and he returns me home and places me in my bed, curling around my rapidly weakening body and holding tight to my hand. “I am not letting go of you Adeline, no matter how much you want to deny us being true.”

  ~

  The next day is adventurous, Joshua and I explore by horseback. Riding along scenic trails and stopping for lunch under a shade tree. He lays his head in my lap and I play with his hair, tracing his face and his arms with my fingers, kissing each other when the desire becomes too much for us.

  “What is that on your shoulder,” Joshua asks sitting up and looking concerned. “Is that a spider?”

  “What?” I jump up and scream, swiping my entire body clear of any possible insects. Josh begins to laugh and I realize, “That wasn’t funny.”

  “Oh I think it was, you should have seen your face.” He jumps around mocking me and laughing until I come after him with a playful vengeance. “Oh no, she’s angry now.” He laughs hiding behind a tree as I try to get to him. “What’s wrong baby, did you not get enough sleep again?” He smiles faking a dash in another direction when I jump at him. He runs up behind me and wraps his arms around me.

  “That wasn’t funny.” I say laughing with him.

  “No? Will you forgive me?”

  “No, because you don’t seem at all sorry about any of it.” I say huffing and crossing my arms.

  “Hmm, I don’t like that,” He turns me around and gets down on his knees with his hands folded out in front of him. “Oh Adeline, won’t you please forgive me, I am nothing but a poor slob simply trying to find his way into your heart.”

  “That was a bit sarcastic don’t you think?” He raises his eyebrows and smiles so sweetly that I can’t help but smile myself. “You are a mess, I don’t know what to do with you.” Standing up he takes me in his arms and whispers against my ear what he would like me to do. It’s sexy but his kiss … well his kiss, helps him earn my forgiveness.

  After a long day together we end our day in my bed. Lying down next to me, he looks over my body with a wanting desire, setting free a hundred butterflies within me. “Last night, at the waterfall.” He says trailing his finger up and down my stomach. “That was really incredible.” I nod. “So do you need help getting ready for bed?”

  “If you are going to stay with me for the night, then sure, I could use some help.” I nod, smiling wide.

  “So what do you like to wear to bed? Because I myself, don’t like to wear anything at all.” He slips his shirt off over his head and strips his pants off in one motion. His proud erection is hard to ignore so I don’t bother to try. His groans are pleasing but no more so than the feeling of his hands caressing the release of each piece of clothing that he removes from my body. He shouldn’t feel so good, his lips shouldn’t taste so incredible but they do. His lips trail down my body with curiosity and pleasure. The lower he goes the more my body craves from him. I fist his hair and scream out in pleasure, but he is not detoured, he continues and weakens me before pushing deep inside of me. His strength amazes but somehow ignites a fire deep inside me, and I have to take control of him. I have to feel him, I have to memorize every touch, every sliding pleasure that I take on top of him. His erection grows, my body tenses and takes hold of it, begging for more and more until the wondrous pleasure wraps over my toes and rushes to my core releasing a blissful indulgence. Joshua takes my limp body in his arms, “I love you, Adeline.” He says gripping my body and moving it to the rhythm that meets his desire, his final indulgence. “I love you,
” He says looking into my eyes with love.

  “I love you.” I say shockingly. “I do, I love you Joshua.” His smile is so joyous it brightens my heart.

  Chapter 9

  ~ Adeline ~

  Deb comes into my room staring at me with obvious anger. “Adeline, how … why?” Deb asks confusing me. “How could you possibly know that I was trying to gain legal guardianship over you? And to fight me on it! I’m doing everything possible for you. I think it’s time to put you in a facility where they can take care of you properly. Please Adeline. I can’t watch you continue like this, you are not dealing with reality anymore.”

  “I … am fine.” I say unable to lift my head to look her in the eyes.

  Deb shakes her head crying. “I don’t understand why this is happening, please explain to me why you’re doing this?”

  “I’m in love …” Her eyes widen. “I’m in love and I don’t want to let go of it. If I take the medicine … if I don’t need him then what if he disappears, what if I will never see him again?”

  “Adeline! There is no man, no one has been here for you to fall in love with.” She pleads.

  Pain penetrates deep and I gasp out loud screaming until I feel his hand take hold of mine. Josh looks me over and I feel instantly better, “You’re here.”

  “Of course, you need me.” He says enjoying my smile.

  I look back at Deb and her wide eyes staring at us. “You can see him?”

  “Yea I can see him but who is he?” She asks annoyed by his sudden presence.

  “He is my trainee, “Pamela says running in and eyeing us both with disapproval. “Sorry, I told him to not pry on others conversations. Come Charles, we have other work to do.” She says trying to drag Joshua away from me but he refuses to let go of my hand.

  “She needs me.” Joshua says, ignoring Pamela

  “She needs rest, and you need to be where you’re supposed to be.” Pamela insists dragging him away.

  I sit up in bed and watch him leave, and turn back to Deb with my brokenhearted expression. “Is he doing things to you?” She asks with worry in her voice.

  “What? No! He would never hurt me.”

  “You’re in a vulnerable state Adeline, I don’t think having a man you don’t even know, in your home is a good thing.”

  I smile and grab my laptop from my side table, handing it to her. “Read, read the story and you will understand everything, Deb.”

  “Adeline, I can’t do this with you right now.” I want you to call off your attorney and allow me to take care of you properly.

  “What attorney?”

  “You know what attorney, Adeline.”

  I finally realize, “You mean Aaron?”

  “I don’t know what his name is but he’s becoming a nuisance.”

  “Let it go Deb, I’m not going to give up fighting until I finish this book.”

  She nods with frustration, “Until you finish? Alright, I tell you what, I will give you until the end of the day because tomorrow I have a judge coming to see you. He’s going to make a judgment as to your ability to make rational decisions. And he will give me the right to make decisions for you, Adeline. He is going to let me decide how you should be cared for.” She pauses sighing with tears streaming. “If you would just come see this place, I think you will really like it. If you will let me take you there and let them take care of you, then I will forgo this legal mess and let you remain in control of your own life.”

  “I’m not leaving here Deb. And I’m not changing my mind. Please don’t force me to.”

  “Fine, then I will see you tomorrow.” She says grabbing my hand and kissing my forehead, “I’m only doing this for your own good you know.”

  Once Deb leaves, Pamela comes in and faces me with a sour expression of her own. “You need to decide. This cannot go on any longer. She will be back tomorrow and she will take you away and then your story will never be. You will never finish it.”

  “She’ll be fine. It will all be fine.” Josh says taking my hand and pulling me into his arms.

  “You’re running out of time, you have to make a decision and finish the story, Adeline. Joshua, you know what will happen if she doesn’t decide.” Pamela says as Josh tries to take me away from her.

  “Don’t worry about that.” He says sensing my fear. “Where do you want to go today, beautiful?”

  “I want to know what will happen if I don’t make a decision?” I ask, waiting for him to look at me. I force him to face me, “Josh, what will happen?”

  “Nothing.” He pauses trying to avoid my eyes. “Nothing happens, everything stops and when you … go … so do I. But I would prefer that, if I have to be with anyone other than you.”

  “I can’t let you die, I will choose if that means I can save you.” His comforting embrace only reaffirms the decision I have to make. “I can’t let you die, Joshua.”

  “And I don’t want you to feel pain anymore. It breaks my heart every time. If you choose someone then I leave you to die, to be forced to depend on pills. I can’t do that.” His tear filled eyes are too real to ignore. Falling deep into his arms, I do all I can to ease his pain.

  “I will choose someone wonderful for you - I promise.”

  “No! Adeline. I will not leave you. You can’t …”

  “I can … and I’m going to make you. You have no choice in this, I’m sorry but I’m going to die anyway, but you don’t have to.” I cry kissing him gently before going back home to finish my last book.

  Chapter 10

  ~Adeline~

  I have notes spread out all over my house, searching and planning and searching some more for the perfect heroine and all the while, Joshua sits pouting behind me. My only support is Pamela. Hours go by and I narrow my decision down to a handful of choices. As I decide their character, they slowly take form and appear to us all. Taking Josh’s hand I ask him to dance with each of them so I can see. His stiff posture and angered nature does little to help me decide. He meets each option with a purposeful, hardened attitude and causes them to slowly disappear one after the other, until the last one remains. Turning to me with a smile, he lets me know that he can be just as stubborn as myself. “Next,” he says thinking he is going to win this battle with me. “Oh the last one, hmmm, not looking good, Adeline.” His cocky attitude is something new for me to see but he has yet to see my stubbornness.

  “Well then she is the one.” I say.

  Joshua turns with wide eyes, “No! She is only the last one, not the one. You have to think of someone else, this is not the right option for me.”

  “You will obviously refuse every option I create, so I’m going to choose for you and she is it.” I say turning my back to him.

  “No Adeline! No, what’re you doing?” He takes hold of me but I pull away.

  “You have the love, the heroine for you, now - go Joshua, and be happy. Be happy and love her, because I know she will love you.” My tears come hard, the pain of my disease is nothing compared to the pain of losing him. Turning my back to him, I force him to let me go.

  “Adeline! No! Don’t do this!” He screams as he disappears from my world.

  Ahhhh! The moment he is gone I collapse to the floor. The pain overwhelms me. My disease crushes me. I have little time left to finalize what I need to. I plead with Pamela to help me to my room and into bed.

  “Get my laptop.” I demand. Pamela reluctantly hands it to me as I glance up and see all my characters sitting with me and looking over me with sadness. “Don’t look at me that way, I have to write these last few lines and complete it.” My decision is clearly not a popular one. “Do you think he should die? If he does, I will still die anyway!” I yell.

  “It’s not the right decision Adeline and you know it.” Aaron says shaking his head and walking away.

  “We didn’t do all this work to help you make the wrong decision, Adeline.” Nick says taking Pamela’s hand and leading her away.

  “She still has time to fi
gure it out,” Pamela’s voice trails after them.

  Gasping in pain I can’t control my own hands, I can’t feel the keys or even see the screen as I drop the computer to the ground - losing it in the darkness. “No, please not yet! Please don’t let me die yet.” I cry pleading with the dark room that surrounds me. “Please help me. It’s not fair, it’s not fair! I want my happiness too. I want …” I choke on my blood and feel my heart straining to hold on. Stretching, pushing myself, I try to reach out, lengthening my hand, my fingers as far as they can go I search through the darkness … for my happiness, my dreams. It all slowly begins to fade. “Please … please, I love him … I need him …” Crying my dry tears, my body is clearly at its end and I know I have failed. Failed them all, including myself, “Please … I … should be with him.” I gasp one final breath before … a hand takes mine.

  Chapter 11

  ~Deb~

  I’m sure she will be angry with me at first, but she’ll get over it and I’ll be able to live with myself. With the judge and my attorney in tow I am shocked that Adeline’s attorney is not here to greet us and has not even been heard from since his bullying yesterday. Walking into her house it is noticeably silent and no one greets us, compelling me to become alarmed. I rush to her room and find it in perfect condition. Not a single thing out of place, not a speck of dust, even the bed is made, something I haven’t seen in a long time in this room. The judge looks at me in confusion as does everyone else.

  “Where is she?” My attorney asks.

  “I’m not sure.” I search her house as if she’ll suddenly appear but nothing stands out, nothing seems amiss except … Set neatly on her desk is a stack of paper with a bow displayed proudly on top. I pick it up and begin reading, getting more excited by the details and the story that begins to develop until I can take it no longer. I skip to the end reading the final paragraph: