Don't Rhine on My Parade

  Chapter Fifteen

  There was the sound of a key in the front door. Everyone froze.

  “Honey?” It was Mark. “I forgot my laptop.”

  I shoved the shotgun at Cecily and ran to the front hall. “Hi, babe!” I kissed him, “What do you need?”

  “I forgot my laptop.” He was headed around me for the bedroom. His path would take him straight past the kitchen table and then there would be questions. I had a split second to come up with a solution that didn’t involve using my Voice and I failed.

  “Stop right here,” I commanded. “I’ll get your laptop for you. Don’t move.” I raced back to the bedroom and scooped up the case. I made a shushing motion in the general direction of the kitchen table as I hurried back to the front hall. “Here you go!” I was a little out of breath. “Anything else?”

  “Nope,” Mark hugged me, “Thanks, babe, see you tonight!” He left, none the wiser.

  I breathed a sigh of relief and tried not to feel guilty. It wasn’t like I was cheating on him or anything. Oh no, I was just lying and manipulating. Totally different.

  I stomped back to the kitchen in a less than cheerful mood. There was a crash and a cry from the girls’ room.

  “Hold on a second,” I groaned and went to check out the commotion. Megan and Cassidy appeared to be trying to climb the bookshelf and then jump off onto Megan’s bed. The second shelf had broken and spilled Megan on the ground. She was crying loudly and dramatically, which made me suspect the seriousness of her injuries.

  “What do you think you are doing?” I asked the age old question.

  “I hurt myself!” Megan wailed.

  “Bad idea!” I pointed at the bookshelf. “You are not supposed to climb, or jump, on anything!”

  “I’m hurt! I’m hurt!”

  Cassidy started to feel left out. She dropped on the floor by Megan and started crying too, “I hurt! I hurt too!”

  I made a face at them. “You are not hurt and your acting skills need work. Now, pick up all these books and stop climbing on the furniture. I’ll be back in a second to check on you.”

  I marched back to the kitchen and faced three pairs of concerned eyes.

  “Are your children all right?” Kethudrim asked.

  “Yes,” I snapped, “they’re just fine.”

  “But your daughter was crying!” Jonathan looked shocked that I hadn’t called 911.

  “Look, I don’t tell you how to turn into an animal; you don’t tell me how to raise my children.”

  “But—”

  I held up a hand, “Hush. I do not need parenting advice from people who would steal my children. Obviously you know nothing about kids or being a parent.”

  Kethudrim sat back like I had slapped him. There was such pain in his eyes that I desperately wanted to take back my last words. “I’m sorry,” I didn’t know what else to say.

  “I would give up my life if it would enable my consort to have children,” he said sadly.

  “And I for my mate,” Jonathan agreed.

  “So ya’ll can’t …” I didn’t know how to delicately ask the question.

  Cecily took over, “The Fae are allergic to cold iron. The more humans build and make things of steel the less the Fae are able to reproduce.”

  “Is that why the UnSeelie hate us?” I asked.

  “Yes,” Kethudrim answered. “They blame you for our lack of children. We all see how you treat your children. Unwanted, abused, murdered, cast off for strangers to raise, this angers all of us. We of the Seelie Court believe that there is still hope for the human race. Some of us have even chosen consorts from among humans in attempt to continue our existence. Even a half breed child has more magic than a human, and a magically handicapped child is better than no child at all.”

  I was at a loss for words. I couldn’t imagine life without my kids, even on the days when I wanted to sell them to the gypsies. The longing in his voice when he spoke of children made me feel guilty for all the times I had not cherished my babies.

  “They also take human children who are unwanted and raise them in Faerie,” Cecily added.

  “We have trouble bearing young as well,” Jonathan added, before I could really process that last statement. “Our females must change at the full moon and such violent magic is hard on the unborn,” his eyes filled with tears as he contemplated some past sorrow. “My mate has miscarried several times. Our numbers are dwindling,” he glared at me, “that is why we must retrieve the statue.”

  I closed my eyes and rubbed the bridge of my nose. I could feel a stress headache coming on. Why me? Why me?

  I exhaled loudly, “Okay, fine, you got me. I’ll help. Where is this statue?”

  Kethudrim and Jonathan looked at each other. “We don’t know,” they finally said.

  “You don’t know,” I repeated.

  “We know it is somewhere in Orlando,” Jonathan volunteered unhelpfully.

  “Orlando,” I smiled, “Great! That’s such a small place, it should be easy to find! Lucky me it’s not hidden in one of the largest cities in Florida.” I tapped my lip, “Oh wait, I mean the exact opposite.”

  They glared at me, “No need for sarcasm.”

  “Oh, yeah?” I was getting belligerent. “I think there’s plenty of need. First, you come here uninvited and tell me that unless I do a little thievery for you you’ll kill me, and then you tell me that the object you want me to steal is impossible to find and I only have a day or two to find it!” I glared right back, “I think that’s all the reason in the world for sarcasm. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I should go make my funeral arrangements.”

  Cecily laid a hand on my arm to quiet me, “You must have some sort of idea,” she addressed Kethudrim.

  “Yes,” he answered and pulled out a map of Orlando.

  “Oh, fantastic,” I was on a roll, “you couldn’t have mentioned that sooner?”

  He refused to answer and spread the map out on the table. I had to move the shotgun out of the way. Twelve areas on the map were highlighted in yellow. “What are these?” I asked.

  “These are the WAND strongholds in Orlando. They are impervious to our magic. We believe that the WAND is using some sort of protection spell to shield their activities.”

  Cecily whistled softly, “That would take a ton of magic.”

  “Yes,” Jonathan agreed, “We have never seen shields so strong before, which means that they are preparing for something big. The fertility statue must be at one of these locations.”

  I looked at the map, “That’s still a lot of area to search. Why can’t you people just go out there and start looking?”

  Jonathan used a talking-to-idiots-and-small-children voice, “Their shields prevent any magical being from entering.”

  “Besides,” Kethudrim added, “My Queen and the were leader are currently at peace with the WAND, so entering one of their domains uninvited would be an act of war.”

  “So how am I supposed to get in?”

  “You’re not magical,” Cecily said flatly, “You’re human.”

  “But I have magic,” I protested.

  “Yes,” she nodded, “but you, yourself, are not magical.”

  I wasn’t sure I understood the difference but I had already thought of another question. “The shields don’t work against humans?”

  “That is our hope,” Kethudrim said.

  I sighed some more and rubbed the bridge of my nose harder. This was nuts.

  “Let me recap again. You need this statue. The WAND have it. Has it. Curse the English language! Anyway, it’s hidden somewhere you don’t know where, and can’t get into, in Orlando. If you try to get it, you’re at war with the WAND, who somehow are accessing a huge amount of power. And you want me to find it and steal it.”

  “Yes.”

  I leaned back in my chair. “You’re crazy.”

  “If we’re crazy then you are dead,” Jonathan growled.

  I ignored that and studied the map.
“Is there anything in common that these areas center on?”

  “They are all different places of business,” was the answer.

  “How did the WAND get the statue?” I was curious.

  “They stole it from Elfhame,” Kethudrim sounded angry.

  I felt an idea growing in my head. “Why would they steal it?” I asked, studying the map.

  “Perhaps they stole it so that our numbers would weaken,” Jonathan shrugged, “What does it matter? They stole it.”

  I turned the map to look at it from a different angle.

  “Cecily, remember last night, when we went through the Zipline?” she nodded, “You told me that if a human ignored the warnings and tried to enter, they would be turned over to the WAND right?”

  “Yes,” she didn’t see where I was going.

  “What would the WAND do with them?”

  She thought, “They would most likely kill them in some sort of black magic ritual. Death magic is very … powerful.” Her mouth dropped open in surprise, “You think that the WAND is harvesting humans?” She shook her head, “The USB would have noticed that many people disappearing. Besides, it’s against the Code. Killing that many humans would risk exposure, putting all USB members at risk. There’s no way the WAND would risk that.”

  My idea concreted itself in my brain and I felt sick, but I still tried to smile, “Not if the humans weren’t people who would be missed.”

  “What?” they all said.

  “I’m thinking that one of the places,” I touched the highlighted spots, “is going to be something to do with homeless people. A shelter, a rehab center, something where you have transients who could disappear and no one would be the wiser. You said they used death magic,” I explained, spelling it all out, “It’s a fertility statue. That’s got to be some kind of life magic. What happens if you use a life magic statue in a death ritual?”

  Jonathan looked a little nauseous. “You get a lot of dark power! But they would never do that!”

  “Why not?” I asked. “I’m new to this game, but you’ve all been telling me how evil and bad the WAND is. I was just trying to think of something evil and bad that they could do with the statue.”

  The Fae and werewolf looked horrified. Clearly they had never dreamed that someone would want their precious statue for something other than its original use.

  “Surely someone would notice that people were going missing!” Kethudrim protested.

  I shook my head. “Not necessarily. Not if they were homeless people. And even if a couple of homeless people were reported missing, who’s going to care about them? Especially if they don’t have families and neighbors or anyone to really notice.”

  Kethudrim frowned, “You humans have an amazing ability to ignore the plight of your own kind. This is why some think it would be better to drain you all and at least allow your power to defend us against the aliens.”

  “That’s not fair!” I said hotly. “For every human who is selfish and uncaring and oblivious, there are people who work night and day, sacrificially, to care for people in need. You can’t just lump everyone into one big group. Besides,” I got defensive, “you’ve already accepted a species that is benefitting magically off the murder of another species!”

  There was silence in the room for a bit.

  “So,” I tried some forced cheer, “How do I get the statue back?”

  Megan and Cassidy chose that moment to run in, “We’re hungry, Mommy!”

  I looked at the clock, it was almost noon. Wow, time flies when you’re talking about theft and murder. I scooped up my girls and hugged them.

  “Too tight, Mommy,” Cassidy complained. I let them go and started the introductions.

  “Girls, this is Mr. Kethudrim, Mr. Jonathan, and Miss Cecily. Say hi.”

  “Hi! Come see our room!” Megan, without a shy bone in her body, was pulling on Jonathan’s hand. He looked bewildered, rather like a Great Dane being accosted by a kitten.

  “You can say ‘no,’” I informed him.

  “I don’t mind,” he said slowly and allowed himself to be dragged out of his chair.

  I shook my head in mock sorrow, “You give in one time and it’s like blood in the water. You’re a goner.”

  “I have a doll, and a bear, and a stroller, and some puzzles …” Megan kept talking non-stop as she pulled him back to their room. I felt a twinge of worry, but decided it was okay since I was in the next room. I got out some bread from the fridge and grabbed the peanut butter and jelly.

  “You want to Google the Orlando homeless shelters?” I asked Cecily, swiping the knife across the sandwich.

  I pointed to the front room where the desktop was. She saluted cheerfully and headed for the computer. Kethudrim came, perched on a barstool and watched me work.

  “Would you like some lunch?” I asked a trifle ungraciously. “I have peanut butter and jelly or ham and cheese.”

  “Ham and cheese sounds good!” he ignored my inhospitable tone and made himself useful spreading mustard and mayonnaise on slices of bread and assembling four sandwiches rather quickly.

  “Got it!” Cecily yelled from the other room. I heard the sound of the printer and she came in waving a piece of paper over her head. “The Greater Orlando Homeless Shelter is located smack dab in the middle of the central shielded zone!”

  Kethudrim took the paper from her and compared it to his map. He looked up with a grim smile, “Good work, Piper.”

  I made a face and got out the chips, “Lunch time!” I called. There were giggles, and chattering voices from the back. “Lunch time!” I yelled louder.

  Soon we were all gathered around the kitchen table munching sandwiches and chips. It felt surreal. I watched Cecily pop a chip in her mouth and chew happily.

  “I thought vampires only drank,” I paused and looked significantly at my girls, “you know what.”

  She shook her head and swallowed, “We only get nourishment from,” she gave the girls the same look, “you know what, but that doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy junk food!” She popped another chip.”You can’t tell me that everything you eat is nutritious!”

  I thought about it for a moment, “Does that mean you can eat French fries and ice cream and not gain weight?”

  “Yup!”

  Hmmm, maybe being a vampire had its upside. I hadn’t had a French fry in years. (Not counting the ones I sneaked out of the girls’ Happy Meals. Everyone knows that food eaten off another person’s plate doesn’t count.)

  “So,” Kethudrim interrupted my fast food fantasies, “What is the plan?”

  I didn’t like how all three of them looked at me like I had all the answers.

  “What’s the plan?” Megan echoed.

  “What de pan? What de pan?” Cassidy chimed in.

  I smiled at them, “First I need to call the D-E-V-I-L.”

  “What’s that, Mommy?” Megan wanted to know while Jonathan, Kethudrim, and Cecily looked puzzled.

  “A babysitter,” I explained.

  “Granny?” Megan asked hopefully.

  “Yes!” I used my best false cheer.

  “Who are you calling?” Jonathan was still confused.

  I sighed, “I can’t take the girls with me, so I need a babysitter.”

  “Ah.”

  “The only person I could get at this short notice will be their grandmother.”

  “Is that a problem?”

  I made a face, “She’s my mother-in-law.”

  “Oh.”

  My fingers did not want to pick up the phone.

  “Hello?” came the imperious voice.

  “Hi, Carolyn!” I said.

  “Is someone hurt?” she sounded concerned.

  “No,” I was confused.

  “Are the girls all right?”

  “Yes,” I had no idea why she was asking these questions.

  “Well then,” I could hear her settle back in her chair, “why are you calling me? I assumed it was an emergency sin
ce that is the only time I hear from you.”

  I soundlessly mouthed some rude comments at the phone, Cecily choked on her drink.

  “Well, I did need a favor, Carolyn.”

  “I’m sure you do.”

  I almost added in some rude hand gestures but caught myself just in time as Megan and Cassidy were watching me with big eyes.

  “Would you mind watching the girls this afternoon?” I crossed my fingers.

  “I suppose I could,” she said slowly, “especially since I so rarely get to spend time with them.”

  I stuck out my tongue, “That would be great! Thank you so much!”

  “When do you need me?”

  I looked at Kethudrim, “When?” I repeated.

  He shrugged.

  “Um, maybe in an hour?” I guesstimated.

  “All right. Is there anything else?” she asked.

  “No,” I answered humbly, I really was grateful that she would drop everything and come babysit; I only wished she made it a little easier to like her. “Thank you again!”

  She hung up without saying goodbye. I closed my eyes and lightly banged my forehead with the phone several times.

  “Guess what!” I asked the girls when I no longer wanted to smash something. “Granny’s coming over after naptime!”

  “Yay!” they cheered.

  “So, what time is it now?”

  “I don’t want to take a nap!” Megan howled.

  “No nap! No nap!” Cassidy chanted.

  “Nap time!” I pointed firmly back to their room. “Megan, go sit on the potty, Cassidy let’s go change your diaper.”

  I dragged them kicking and screaming to the back. About fifteen minutes later I finally had them down, tucked in for the fifth time, and had changed their CD twice. Now I was ready for a nap too. When I came out, Cecily and Kethudrim were bent over the map and arguing with Jonathan, so I was guessing that my nap would probably have to wait.