What Doesn't Kill You

  “And a big headache if he couldn’t. You shouldn’t have left me like that. It wasn’t fair, and it hurt me.”

  He didn’t speak for a moment. “It hurt you? I didn’t mean to do that. I don’t want you to ever be hurt again.” He paused, then added haltingly, “When I came to your room at the hospital, it scared me. You looked … sick. Hu Chang said that you weren’t going to die, but it didn’t matter. He’d told me before that even though you were a good soldier, it could still happen.”

  “He shouldn’t have talked to you about anything like that.”

  He shook his head. “But it was true. I knew it was true. I just didn’t want to think about it.”

  “You shouldn’t have had to think about it. You’re just a boy.”

  “I have to think about stuff like that. I can’t take care of you if I don’t. And if I don’t take care of you, something bad might happen.” He added jerkily, “Like it did when you got hurt.” His legs were parted in a belligerent stance, and he stared her in the eye. “So when I was sitting there in the hospital, I got to thinking, and here’s how it should be. I know you’re CIA and can’t change that, but you’ll have to be more careful. And I want to know what’s happening. I don’t want you to coddle me. If it’s your problem, it should be mine, too.”

  She suddenly lost her breath. Had she misunderstood? Don’t hope for too much. Yet how the hell could she keep from hoping when it meant everything? “And why is that, Luke?”

  He didn’t answer, and she could tell he was struggling for words. “I … care whether you live or die. It would hurt me if you were hurt or sad. I feel … warm when you’re here and a little lonely when you’re not. I think … we have to be together. Kelly says that I should love you, but I’m still confused about what that means. People who write about it in books seem to be confused, too. They’re all over the place.”

  “Yeah, I’ve noticed.” She cleared her throat. “I think we all have to work it out for ourselves.”

  “But I’m close?”

  She nodded emphatically. “Yes, you’re very close.”

  Thank God. Oh, thank God.

  She reached out her hand and gently touched his cheek. Not too much. Go slowly. She’d won a huge victory today, and she was passionately grateful. “And I won’t coddle you and try to keep you from being hurt … maybe.”

  “It’s okay. I think it’s all part of it.” He smiled and added awkwardly, “I felt a little like that at the hospital.” He stepped back and took her hand and pulled her toward the palace. “Come on. I have to get back to the garden. You can see what we’re doing. I never planted anything before.”

  “You can have a garden at our place in Louisville.” She had to hurry to keep up with him. “You never seemed interested.”

  “I was too busy with the books.”

  She suddenly stopped short. “Look, I have to see Hu Chang, Luke.”

  He chuckled. “Are you going to yell at him like you did me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then I want to see it.” His smile was slyly impish. “But he’s busy with Chen Lu’s security team now. He said he’d see us at dinner.”

  “I’ll go find him.”

  “There’s Chen Lu.” He waved at the woman, who was sitting on a bench by one of the fountains, and he pulled Catherine toward her. The fountain was scorched and blackened, but the water was spraying a sparkling stream into the air. “I’ve brought her, Chen Lu,” he called. “She wants to go find Hu Chang. She’s going to yell at him.”

  “Good. He deserves it,” Chen Lu said. “And so do you, Luke. The two of you were very naughty to Catherine.” She waved her hand at a plot of earth some distance away. “Now get back to work. You have to earn your keep here.”

  “I will. I’ve decided my rose bed will be the best in your garden.” He turned and trotted down the path toward the bed. “Bye, Catherine.”

  Chen Lu watched him affectionately before giving Catherine a brilliant smile. “It’s good to see you, Catherine. I heard you were in hospital. You look well.”

  “I’m fine.” She sat down beside Chen Lu, who was dressed in a brocade sky blue caftan and looked beautiful but terribly out of place in the scorched garden. Catherine had a sudden memory of how thin and fragile she had appeared in her black dress on the day she had left to take Rory back to Ireland. But now her smile was bright though her manner subdued. “Luke said that you had an army of gardeners planting, and he didn’t exaggerate.” Her gaze went to the scores of men and women in the acres of planting beds. “You should have a new growth in no time.”

  Chen Lu nodded. “Gallo set up the initial work schedule before he left with you.” She looked out at the garden. “By the time I came back, they had the charred plants removed, new topsoil down, and were beginning to plant. I was very grateful. The dead have to be honored, but it’s good to see rebirth. It tends to heal the heart.”

  “How did Rory’s funeral go?”

  “Sad.” She made a face. “Though I threw him the finest wake a man could ever hope to have. It lasted three days. The pub was full, and we drank and told great stories about my Rory.”

  “As I remember, Hu Chang told you to get your rest. It doesn’t sound as if you did that. How are you?”

  “Better now. I only burned the candle at both ends for a day or so, but it put me down. But Rory deserved it, so I took a chance on Hu Chang’s being angry with me. I collapsed and had to take the next flight here and call Hu Chang and tell him I needed him.” She smiled. “He wasn’t pleased, but he came anyway. He knew I’d probably go too far when I left. That’s why he diluted my dose when he gave it to me. But what’s life if you don’t live it to the fullest? That’s what my Donal used to say. He said, ‘Chen Lu, life is the ultimate gift. Live every moment. Live for both of us.’”

  “And you do,” Catherine said softly.

  “Every minute, just as he told me.” Chen Lu gazed at Luke, who was now on his knees in the bed of roses and frowning with concentration as he dug in the earth. “I’m glad Hu Chang brought the boy here. It was not right the way he did it, but I wanted to meet your son. I have no children, but I wanted to see the boy that Hu Chang cared about.”

  “He’s my son.”

  Chen Lu threw back her head and laughed. “And you have a right to be possessive. You’ll have to keep Hu Chang from luring him into his web.” Her laughter faded. “But it’s a beautiful golden web that he weaves with superb skill and great thoughtfulness.” She glanced away from Luke to the roses he was planting. “And he would not take Luke without you, so you’re safe, Catherine.”

  “Am I supposed to be relieved?”

  “Yes, I would be. Luke is a fine boy. Clever, curious, interesting. He needs to smile more, but I could take care of that if you care to leave him here.”

  “Hell, no. What is this? First Hu Chang and now you. Luke goes home with me.”

  “If you choose, but you’re welcome to stay here. You’d fill a place. I’ll be missing my Rory, and it takes time to welcome someone else after you’ve said good-bye.”

  “You have a beautiful life. But it isn’t the life I’d choose.”

  “Think about it. Luke would be safer here.” She wrinkled her nose. “I know, after everything that happened in this garden, that sounds strange. But I would see that he came to no harm. He’s too important to risk.”

  “Of course he’s too important to risk. He’s my son and I love him and there’s no way that—” She stopped and her eyes narrowed on Chen Lu’s face. “But that isn’t what you mean by that, is it? Why is he too important, Chen Lu?”

  “Talk to Hu Chang.” She rose to her feet. “But know that I would give you and your son a good life.” She smiled as she started down the path toward the palace. “I would teach you both to laugh. It would be a hard task, but I could do it. Try me.”

  “Don’t you dare run away.” Catherine got to her feet. “Where’s Hu Chang? And where are you going?”

  “I have to change
for dinner. It’s a little early, but I feel the need to escape. You have the same room you had before, Catherine. You have a few hours if you wish to sit here and watch Luke do his planting.”

  “What did you mean, Chen Lu?” she called after her with frustration. “I could shake you.”

  “That’s why I’m running away. I’m not discreet. I’d probably tell you, and have Hu Chang angry at me.” She left a trail of laughter behind her as she went into the house.

  “Catherine?” Luke was looking at her inquiringly.

  She probably looked as angry and frustrated as she felt. Except for those few precious moments when she realized all was going right for her relationship with Luke, all he had seen was her on the attack since he’d met her at the dock.

  But as she stared at him, the anger was slipping away. Lord, he was beautiful. The sun was shining on his tousled dark hair, and his head tilted to one side as he stared at her. It was such a familiar pose, full of curiosity and intentness, that she felt a melting within her. What difference did it make if Hu Chang had schemes concerning Luke that she’d probably have to squash at the outset? It wasn’t as if she wouldn’t be able to do it. As soon as she saw Hu Chang, the attack could begin.

  But the anger and outrage could wait. Now she was going to enjoy this moment with Luke.

  “Is there something wrong?” he asked. “What is it? Do you need me to help you, Catherine?”

  “No.” She got to her feet and strode toward the rose bed. “But I can help you.” She dropped to her knees beside him in the bed. “You’re the boss. Give me something to do.”

  “Are you sure?” He skeptically studied her sleek black slacks and tan shirt as he handed her a trowel. “You’ll get dirty.”

  “Probably. Ask me if I care.” She smiled and reached for one of the buckets of rosebushes beside him. She could smell the damp earth and the scent of roses and felt the warm sun on her cheeks. Her son was beside her and they would do this task together. Together. What a beautiful word. Her trowel dug into the earth. “We’ll both have sore knees and be muddy and scratched by thorns before we finish planting the most beautiful bed in Chen Lu’s garden. But it will be worth it, won’t it?”

  He sat back on his heels and studied her face as if she were some strange exotic puzzle he had to solve. Then he nodded slowly. “It will be worth it.”

  * * *

  IT WAS ALMOST DUSK WHEN they finished planting the bed and cleaning their tools. And by the time Catherine had gone to her room, showered, and changed to the tangerine-colored silk caftan Chen Lu’s maid had laid out on the bed, it was fully dark.

  “You look very exotic.” Chen Lu smiled as Catherine came out onto the veranda. She was dressed in a cream-colored caftan that glowed under the candles of the tiered chandeliers and made her appear almost bridal. “I’ve always wanted to be exotic, but I never quite made it. I can dress like an empress, but this mug of mine looks like the Mick I am.” She tilted her head. “One would never believe you were the same person who came trailing up the stairs looking like a muddy ragamuffin an hour ago. But you did look like a happy ragamuffin. Where’s Luke?”

  “He should be down soon. I wanted to talk to Hu Chang before dinner. Where is he?”

  “In the garden. He said he wanted to inspect the rose bed you and Luke created for me.” She arched a mischievous brow. “He wasn’t sure that you two were capable enough. He said that when you worked in his herb garden when you were in your teens, you were woefully inadequate.”

  “Ungrateful bastard.”

  “I can’t argue with you. I’ve always been so grateful to him that it never occurred to me to question him.”

  “And that’s why he has an ego as big as your palace.” She headed for the steps leading to the garden. “But, believe me, I have enough questions for all of us.”

  “I thought there was a good chance that you’d abandon me to go after Hu Chang. I’ll hold dinner and entertain Luke until you’re ready to come back.” She called after her, “Unless you’re insecure about me stealing Luke away from you? I can be completely fascinating, you know.”

  “By all means fascinate him. He’ll find it an interesting experience. Though he may look at you as if you’re some kind of peculiar bug. And I’m not insecure.”

  “No, you’re not, are you?” Chen Lu’s tone was thoughtful. “Things change…”

  Yes, things did change, Catherine thought as she hurried down the path. There was still fear and anxiety in her attitude toward Luke, and she now realized that it was one of the biggest barriers between them. It would take a long time for her to rid herself of that apprehension and the flashes of panic, but she was on her way.

  Because Luke was on his way toward her. They were both taking small steps, but the steps were leading them closer to each other. This afternoon they had joked and worked companionably, and there had been an easiness between them that had never existed before. She didn’t know if he could ever fully accept her as his mother, but this friendship and affection was a prize in itself.

  “You’re smiling.” Hu Chang was coming down the path toward her. “You must be happy at the prospect of seeing me. And Chen Lu told me that you were so displeased.”

  “You bastard.” She stopped on the path, glaring at him. “You had no right to steal my son and take him to the other side of the world. I will not forgive you for this Hu Chang.”

  “I did not steal, I only borrowed him.”

  “And you lied to him. You told him that you wanted him to come here because you wanted to give me a present, some foolishness about a star.”

  “A shooting star, Catherine,” he said softly.

  “What is that supp—” She stopped as she remembered Hu Chang’s words on the plane that had brought them to San Francisco.

  Some of my drugs are like shooting stars, others are like suns.

  “The Pondera,” she whispered. “Venable said you wouldn’t turn the drug over to him. You’re going to give the drug to me and let me destroy it?”

  He shook his head. “Though I know that’s what you wanted me to do. Remember, I did compromise and tell you I’d let you have right of refusal of any victim.”

  “That’s not good enough. There shouldn’t be any more victims. That drug is too dangerous. What if it somehow got on the black market?”

  “I made one mistake. I’ll not make another.” His lips quirked. “One mistake in a lifetime is quite enough for a unique man like me.”

  “You want to give me something to make up for kidnapping my son? That damn Pondera is the only thing I want. Even then, I don’t know if I’m going to forgive you.”

  “But I can’t do that. I’ve already given it to someone else.”

  “Oh, shit. Who?”

  “Luke.”

  She stared at him in shock. “What the hell?”

  “If I’d been there for you when he was that two-year-old child, I would have kept your Luke from being kidnapped and suffering all those years. I would have kept you from suffering, Catherine. I’ve decided I have to provide compensation.”

  “I told you that was bullshit,” she said impatiently. “Though it’s just like you to think the greatest compensation would be in the form of a deadly poison. I won’t let Luke accept a crazy gift like that. Give it to me. I’ll know what to do with it.”

  “But I’ve already told you, the gift has already been given.” He shook his head. “I thought it best not to give you a choice. You would only have worried. In fact, I was debating whether to tell you at all. But that would have been neither fair nor honorable.”

  Her hands clenched at her sides. “What do you mean? Luke only mentioned a gift for me.”

  “He does not know he has it. I gave it to him when the two of you visited me several weeks ago.”

  “The book about Chinese chemistry?”

  He nodded. “The book was a trigger to reinforce the posthypnotic suggestion. I didn’t want to overload him. I knew how he loved his books, and there was no q
uestion he would read it. I set a time in the future for the suggestion to take effect. I figured we’d need a little preparation time.”

  She stared at him in disbelief. “You gave him the formula when you hypnotized him? Dammit, then find a way to undo it and debrief him or whatever.”

  He shook his head.

  “I won’t let him walk around with that ugliness in his head. If you won’t help me, I’ll find someone who will.”

  “Pondera is a very special shooting star, Catherine. I had to put in safeguards. You could kill him, and you wouldn’t kill the effect of that suggestion.”

  This was a nightmare. “Are you crazy?” she asked unsteadily. “You knew how I’d feel about what you did. If you care anything about me, you’ll stop this horror.”

  “It would only be a horror in the wrong hands. I studied Luke before I gave the formula to him. He’s complicated, but that’s not a bad thing, and he has magnificent potential.”

  “As a master poisoner?” she asked bitterly.

  “No, one always wants a better life for the generation that comes after. He can be what he wishes to be. It will be up to him.” He tilted his head. “I’ll be curious to see what he does with my gift.”

  “I don’t want Luke to have the power to murder, Hu Chang.”

  “I’m sorry.” His tone was regretful. “I told you there were side effects to Pondera when I created it. I can’t take that power away. It’s part of the balance.”

  “Balance? It’s the whole damn shooting match.”

  “Not quite.”

  “It’s the only thing I’ve seen.”

  “No, you’re wrong.” He paused. “You’ve seen Chen Lu.”

  “And what’s that got to—” She stopped, her mind connecting, sorting possibilities. “That stuff you gave her to get her through Rory’s funeral. Is that what you’re talking about? You said it was something like that medicine you gave to Carmody to save his life.”

  “Something like. But not the same. Carmody’s drug was a first generation of Pondera.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “How old do you think Chen Lu is?”