Princess in Training

  Lilly just shook her head.

  “Yeah,” she said. “But at least you have a boyfriend.”

  “Who’s in COLLEGE,” I reminded her. “And who apparently expects—”

  “Oh, please,” Lilly said. “Not that stupid Lana thing again. When are you going to get it through your head that Lana doesn’t know what she’s talking about? I mean, do you see HER dating a college boy?”

  “No,” I said. “But—”

  “Yeah, well, there might be a REASON for that. And if what it says all over the ladies’ room wall is true, it is NOT because Lana has any reservations about Doing It.”

  We both sat there and thought about that for awhile. Then Lilly said, “So, are your mom and Mr. G still going to Indiana for the weekend?”

  “Yes,” I said, and then added quickly, “but there isn’t going to be any party at my place, because I’m staying at the Plaza.”

  “In your own room?” Lilly asked. When I nodded, she said, “Sweet.” Then she said, “Hey, you should have a slumber party.”

  I looked at her like she was crazy.

  “At the hotel?”

  “Sure,” Lilly said. “It’ll be fun. And we need to work on your debate skills, anyway. We could do a mock run-through. How about it?”

  “Well,” I said. “I guess so.”

  Although, I’m not sure how Dad and Grandmère are going to feel about this. My having a slumber party at the Plaza.

  But, oh well. If it’ll make Lilly happy, I guess it’s worth it. I seriously never knew she felt that way about herself. You know, that she’s not popular. I mean, I know Lilly isn’t very popular. But I never knew SHE knew it. She always ACTS like she thinks she’s the queen of the school.

  Who knew it was all for show?

  Now we both have to sit here until the bell for sixth period rings and we can duck back downstairs and mingle with the rest of the hordes. We’re missing Gifted and Talented, but I have my pass from the nurse to show Mrs. Hill on Monday, so she won’t count me absent from today.

  I don’t know what Lilly’s going to do about it. She doesn’t seem to care all that much, either. Really, if you think about it, Grandmère and Lilly could BOTH teach the world a thing or two about acting like a princess.

  Which is kind of scary, if you think about it.

  Friday, September 11, U.S. Government

  THEORIES OF GOVERNMENT:

  EVOLUTIONARY THEORY

  Darwin theory of evolution—applied government =

  Family

  Clan

  Tribe

  Groups formed to coordinate and manage enterprise of goods and services.

  To maintain internal order and protect from external danger, governmental institutions were formed.

  Wow, this is just like cliques! Seriously! I mean, the way cliques are formed within a school—to protect from external danger. Like, for instance, all of us Geeks bonded together and formed a clique to protect ourselves from being picked on by the Jocks and Cheerleaders, because there is safety in numbers. This explains so much:

  The Sk8terboi clique formed to protect themselves from the Punks

  The Punks formed to protect themselves from the Drama Club

  The Drama Club formed to protect themselves from the Nerds

  The Nerds formed to protect themselves from the Jocks

  And the Jocks formed to protect themselves from…

  Well, I don’t know who the Jocks formed together to protect themselves from.

  But otherwise it’s all making sense now. This is why cliques exist! Darwin was right!!!

  Friday, September 11, Earth Science

  Magnetic field surrounding Earth due to interior convection currents

  Discovered by Van Allen (radiation belts)

  High radiation zone due to particles, some radioactive and charged, from space and sun

  Aurora borealis caused by interaction of charged particles with the atmosphere

  KENNY’S NEW GIRLFRIEND, HEATHER, ACCORDING TO KENNY:

  Has naturally blond hair, and never needs to get her roots touched up

  Gets straight A’s and is in all honors classes

  Can do a back handspring

  Often does them at parties

  And in restaurants

  Is totally popular at her school in Delaware

  Is coming to see him at Thanksgiving

  Has her own horse

  Never wastes her time watching TV, because she is too busy reading books

  Doesn’t have an answering machine

  Which is just as well, because probably no one ever wants to call her, since she doesn’t watch TV, and therefore has nothing to talk about.

  HOMEWORK

  PE: n/a

  Geometry: exercises, pages 42–45

  English: Strunk and White, pages 55–75

  French: ????

  G&T: ????

  U.S. Government: How is Darwin’s theory

  applied to dev. of gov.?

  Earth Science: section 2, Nature of Energetic

  Environment

  Friday, September 11, the Plaza

  Grandmère felt so badly about having caused me to have a crying jag in the middle of the school day that she insisted on taking me to tea downstairs at the Palm to make up for it.

  Of course, I knew she didn’t REALLY feel bad. I mean, she is GRANDMÈRE, after all. And there WAS press all over the place, trying to get pictures of us eating our scones with clotted cream, so that tomorrow on the front of the Post there’ll be a photo of us sitting there and a big headline that goes Tea 4 2 / Take that, EU! or FU, EU, or something.

  But it was nice to sit there and eat tiny sandwiches with the crusts cut off while Grandmère nattered on about Lana’s pom-pom-shaped squeezy things and how cheap they are and how much more superior our Propriété du Palais Royal de Genovia pens are. Especially, you know, since I hadn’t gotten any lunch due to having spent all of that period in the nurse’s office with a cool cloth on my forehead.

  Grandmère was being so nice on account of the whole feeling guilty thing (note to self: Can someone with borderline personality disorder feel guilt? Check on this.) that I finally just came out and went, “Grandmère, can I have Lilly and Tina and Shameeka and Ling Su over for a slumber party in my room tonight, so we can do a mock debate?” and she went, totally calmly, “Of course, Amelia.”

  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  So, then I got on my cell phone and called them all and invited them. Mr. Taylor had to speak to Grandmère before he would let Shameeka come, to make sure there was going to be adequate supervision and all, but Grandmère carried it off like a champ. By the time she handed the phone back to me, Mr. Taylor was asking if there was anything we wanted Shameeka to bring, like a popcorn popper, or whatever.

  But I assured him that the Plaza would see to all of our needs.

  We sent Grandmère’s maid back to the loft to get my stuff and feed Fat Louie.

  I hope he’ll be all right on his own. It’s going to be weird for him not to have Rocky around. He’s gotten very used to licking all the leftover milk from Rocky’s face every evening, as a sort of midnight snack.

  Note to self:

  Call Mom on cell as soon as her plane has landed and remind her to keep Rocky away from:

  Hay threshers

  Copperhead snakes (native to Indiana, and highly poisonous)

  Pitchforks

  Black widow spiders (their bite is deadly to infants)

  Unpasteurized milk (salmonella)

  Papaw’s La-Z-Boy (Rocky could become wedged inside it and suffocate)

  Farm animals (E. coli)

  Mamaw’s tuna-potato-chip-macaroni casserole (it’s just gross)

  The cellar (escapee from local mental institution could be hiding there)

  Friday, September 11, the Plaza, room 1620, Time ???? LATE!!!!!!!

  Oh, my God, Ling Su found the coolest quiz online and brought it with her so that we can all do
it and find out stuff about ourselves!!!!

  QUIZ

  DO NOT CHEAT!!! NO reading ahead…just answer the questions in order!

  First, get a pen and paper. When you choose names, make sure it’s people you actually know. Go with your first instinct. DO THIS NOW!

  First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column.

  Beside numbers 1 and 2, write down any two numbers you want.

  Beside the 3 and 7, write down the names of members of the opposite sex.

  Write anyone’s name (like friends or family) in spots 4, 5, and 6.

  Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 10, and 11.

  DO THIS NOW, WITHOUT READING AHEAD TO THE ANSWERS!!!!!!!!

  Mia Thermopolis’s Answers:

  Ten

  Three

  Michael Moscovitz

  Fat Louie

  Lilly Moscovitz

  Rocky Thermopolis-Gianini

  Kenny Showalter

  “Crazy in Love”—Beyoncé

  “Bootylicious”—Destiny’s Child

  “Belle”—Beauty and the Beast

  Theme song from Friends

  Answer key:

  You must tell (the numbers in spaces 1 and 2) people about this game.

  The person in space 3 is the one whom you love.

  The person in 7 is one you like but can’t work out.

  You care most about the person you put in 4.

  The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well.

  The person you name in 6 is your lucky star.

  The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in number 3.

  The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7.

  The song in 10 tells you most about YOUR mind.

  The answer in 11 is the song telling you how you feel about life.

  Oh, my God!!! THIS IS SO CRAZY!!!! IT’S ALL SO TRUE!!!!!!

  Like, Michael is totally the person I love! And Rocky is totally my lucky star! And Lilly is the person who knows me the best! And Fat Louie is the person (or cat) that I care about the most!

  And I don’t think I’ll EVER figure out Kenny. “Bootylicious” is an appropriate song for him, because one thing I do know: I don’t think he’s ready for this jelly.

  And I am DEFINITELY “Crazy in Love” with Michael! And the Friends theme song is TOTALLY my life—No one told you life was gonna be this way… Because nobody ever TOLD me I was going to be PRINCESS OF GENOVIA.

  And as for the song “Belle,” Lilly can laugh all she wants, but it IS one of my favorite songs, ever. And yeah, Ms. Martinez would probably find that reprehensible…you know, a so-called writer liking a song from a Disney musical. But whatever! Belle and I have a LOT in common: We both always have our head in a book (well, mine’s a journal, but whatever) and everyone thinks we’re weird.

  Except the men who love us.

  Whatever. This is so much fun! We’ve ordered, like, EVERYTHING from room service. And a little while ago, Lilly practically made us all wet ourselves from laughing so hard after Shameeka told her about Perin, from French, and how we can’t tell if Perin is a boy or a girl, and Lilly said we should go into class on Monday and make a circle around Perin and chant, “Pull…down…your…pants! Pull…down…your…pants!” so we could look and see.

  Could you imagine the look on Mademoiselle Klein’s face if we did that? Only, of course, I think that would be sexual harassment. And it wouldn’t be very nice to Perin, that poor girl or boy.

  So, then we all jumped up and down on the bed and chanted, “Pull…down…your…pants! Pull…down…your…pants!” at the top of our lungs until I thought I actually might WET my pants from laughing so hard.

  Next, we’re going to have a karaoke contest. Because I told everyone about how if we are ever traveling cross-country and we have to sing for gas money and all, like Britney Spears in Crossroads, we’ll need a good act. So we’re gonna get on that right away.

  Oh, and Michael called a minute ago, but I couldn’t hear what he was saying, on account of how Tina was screaming because we found a love note Boris left in her backpack and Ling Su was reading it out loud. Even Lilly was laughing.

  This is the BEST NIGHT EVER. Except, of course, for the night of the Nondenominational Winter Dance.

  And the night Michael and I watched Star Wars together and he told me he was IN love with me, not just loved me.

  And the prom.

  Except for those.

  Note to self: Remember to tell Mom to keep Rocky away from Papaw’s chewing tobacco! Nicotine is toxic to babies if ingested! I saw it on Law and Order!

  LILLY, SHAMEEKA, TINA, LING SU, AND MIA’S LIST OF TOTALLY HOT GUYS

  Orlando Bloom, in anything, with or without a shirt on.

  Boris Pelkowski (This is so WRONG! Boris should NOT be on this list. But Lilly and I were outvoted.)

  The cute guy from the most recent movie of Mia’s life (Except that none of what happened in that movie could ever happen in real life since Genovia is a principality, not a monarchy, and it doesn’t matter if the heir is married or not. Plus, Skinner Box is unlikely to get a record deal since most of its members are too busy getting college degrees/thirty-day sobriety chips to practice.)

  Seth from The OC.

  Harry Potter. Because even though he plays a boy wizard, he’s getting kind of hot.

  Jesse Bradford from Swimfan.

  Chad Michael Murray from A Cinderella Story and One Tree Hill. Ooooh la la.

  Samantha’s hot boyfriend on Sex and the City, particularly when he shaved his head for her (Shameeka had to abstain from voting on this one since her dad won’t let her watch this show.)

  Trent Ford from How to Deal.

  Ramon Riveras.

  Hellboy (Even if Mia is the only one who thinks Hellboy is hot on account of her obsession with two-dimensional heroes.)

  Saturday, September 12, the Great Lawn, Central Park

  I’m so tired. WHY did I invite everybody over last night? And WHY did we stay up singing karaoke until 3 A.M.???

  More to the point, WHY did I let Lilly talk me into going to an Albert Einstein High School SOCCER game today????

  It’s so boring. I mean, I’ve always thought sports were boring—God knows Mrs. Potts has yelled “Let’s see some hustle, Mia!” at me enough times when I’ve let balls bounce right past me.

  But watching sports is even more boring than playing them. At least when you’re playing sports, you get those sweaty-palmed, heart-pounding moments of Oh, no! The ball’s not coming toward ME, is it? Oh, no. It IS coming toward me. What do I do? If I try to catch it, I’ll miss, and everyone will hate me. But if I DON’T try to catch it, everyone will hate me for THAT, too.

  But when you’re WATCHING sports, there’s none of that. There’s just…boredom. Seemingly never-ending boredom.

  When Lilly asked me to keep Saturday during the day free for her, I didn’t know she meant it was for a school-related event. Why would I want to do school stuff (besides homework, I mean) on a WEEKEND?

  But Lilly says it’s important that I show myself at as many school functions as possible before the election on Monday. She keeps poking me and going, “Stop writing in your journal and go mingle.”

  But I’m not actually so sure mingling at a school soccer game is the way to get votes. You know? Because it’s pretty much guaranteed that everyone here is going to vote for Lana.

  And why SHOULDN’T they? Look at her over there, doing all those basket tosses, or whatever. She’s totally PERFECT. On the outside, anyway. Inside, I know her heart is black as pitch and all. But outside—well, she’s got that perfect smile with those perfect, gap-free teeth, and those perfectly smooth tanned legs with no razor nicks, and that shiny lip gloss her hair never gets stuck to—why WOULD anyone vote for me when they could vote for Lana?

  Lilly says not to be stupid—that the election for student council president isn’t a beauty or popularity contest. But then how come she wants ME to run in her pl
ace? And how come I’m HERE? The only people AT this game are the other jocks and cheerleaders. And none of them are likely to vote for ME.

  Lilly says they for sure won’t vote for me if I don’t get my nose out of this book and go talk to them. TALK TO THEM! THE PERFECT POPULAR PEOPLE!

  They’ll be lucky if I don’t BARF on them.

  Saturday, September 12, 3 p.m., Ray’s Pizza

  Well, THAT was a big waste of time.

  Lilly says it wasn’t. Lilly says that actually, the day was extremely EDUCATIONAL. Whatever that means.

  I’m not sure how Lilly would even KNOW this, since she spent almost the entire game sitting behind Dr. and Mrs. Weinberger—who were in the stands—eavesdropping on their conversation with Trisha Hayes’s parents. She didn’t even WATCH the game, so far as I know. I was the one who had to wander around, going up to people who wouldn’t have looked twice at me if we passed in the hallway at AEHS, and going, “Hi, we haven’t met. I’m Mia Thermopolis, princess of Genovia, and I’m running for student council president.”

  Seriously. I have never felt like a bigger dork.

  Nobody paid the least bit of attention to me, either. The game was apparently a superexciting one. We were playing the Trinity varsity men’s team, who have basically kicked our butts every single year in, like, the history of AEHS soccer, or something.

  But not today. Because today AEHS produced their secret weapon: Ramon Riveras. Basically, once Ramon got hold of the ball, it pretty much never left his feet, except when he was kicking it past the Trinity goalie, into the big netty thing. AEHS beat Trinity four to nothing.

  And it turned out I was right about Ramon. He fully whipped his shirt off and threw it into the air after the winning goal. I don’t want to start a rumor, or anything, but I saw Mrs. Weinberger sit up a little straighter when that happened.