Lucky

Thirteen

  “Travis!”

  I felt myself being shaken.

  “Travis! Wake up! Can you hear me?”

  My eyelids drifted apart and Ryan slowly came into focus, kneeling over me with a look of sheer panic on his face.

  “Come on,” he said, putting his arm under my back. “We need to get inside. How do you feel?”

  The cold came back to me and I started shivering. Ryan somehow got me to my feet and helped me walk into my house, guiding me to the living room and sitting me on the couch.

  “I’m gonna call the paramedics,” he said, reaching for his phone.

  “No,” I protested, finally breaking my silence since he woke me up. “No, I’m alright. I’m just cold.”

  “Are you sure? What if you have frostbite?”

  “Ryan, please, just give me a minute,” I said sharply.

  “You’re so fucking stubborn!” he barked with exasperation. After a few seconds, in a calmer voice, he said, “I’ll be right back,” and he disappeared up my stairs. I started unbuttoning my coat, but was having a hard time of it with my fingers numb and practically frozen. He came running down with a blanket.

  Ryan came over and pushed my hands away from my coat and started unbuttoning it for me, then pulled it off entirely. He then managed to pull off my shirt and undershirt in one motion. He untied my shoes and slid them off and then my socks. He looked at me for a moment and neither of us said a word as he started unbuckling my belt. Slowly, and carefully, he unbuttoned my sopping wet jeans and gently peeled them off of me, mindful not to touch anything beneath them. My whole body was starting to feel the pins and pricks of poor circulation. Ryan grabbed the blanket he’d brought downstairs and gently wrapped it around me.

  “Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t need a doctor?” he asked.

  “I’ll be fine,” I said. I had no way of really knowing that I would be fine, but this whole ordeal had been humiliating enough without getting dragged to the hospital and freaking out my mom all over again.

  Ryan sat on the coffee table facing me. “You scared the hell out of me.”

  “I’m really sorry,” I said. “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”

  It was true. I really didn’t know what I was doing anymore. Maybe this is what it feels like to actually go crazy.

  “What happened? You’ve been acting weird all week and obviously there’s something wrong. I wish you would talk to me. I feel like you keep pushing me away. I mean, how are we ever going to get close if you won’t let me in?” He scowled and looked down at the floor.

  “Look, I know I’ve been keeping my distance. It’s just that, after you told me you weren’t sure having a relationship with a guy was right for you, I just decided I was better off not letting myself get too close. I’ve been right on the edge of falling really hard for you and I don’t want to do that with someone that doesn’t know what they want.”

  “Hey, I know in the beginning I didn’t know what to think. This is all different from anything I’ve ever known.” He got up and started pacing around the room. “It’s one thing to have this idea on the back burner that there’s an attraction to guys, and it’s easy to distract yourself from it. And then, one day, this cute, funny guy sits next to you and turns everything upside down.”

  I thought for a moment. “That’s really sweet. I feel that way about you, too. I just don’t want to fall for someone that doesn’t know if they’re ready for this kind of relationship.”

  “Jesus, Travis!” he yelled.

  “Why are you getting so angry?” I asked, impatiently.

  “Don’t you see?” He ran his hand through his wet hair and then returned to his spot on the coffee table. “I came here after the accident because I needed to see you. I needed to know you were okay. When you called today, I dropped everything and drove here because I knew something was wrong. You keep telling me you don’t want to fall for me because you don’t know how I feel. If you were actually paying attention to me, you would know that I’ve already fallen for you.”

  How could I be so stupid? So selfish? Here I am feeling so defensive and sorry for myself that I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. Ryan wasn’t being skittish. He wasn’t bailing on me. He was right here by my side, and he obviously cared about me.

  “Oh, god, I feel so stupid,” I said, resting my head on the couch. “I’m really sorry.”

  His face softened his eyes were locked onto mine. Those amazing eyes that had a whole world going on inside of them. He grabbed my hand and our difference in body temperature was startling at first, but his warmth became quite soothing.

  “No, don’t feel stupid. You’re not stupid,” he said, barely louder than a whisper. “We’ve both been through a lot.”

  “I know, but-”

  Ryan abruptly pushed his lips against mine. I was surprised and excited. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled us closer. His lips were soft but the passion behind them was robust. This is what I’ve dreamed of since the day we met on the bus. I desperately wanted to feel him kissing me and it was finally happening. I had kissed other boys in the past, but I’d never felt this kind of incomprehensible, raw desire that had consumed us. I managed to pull him on top of me without breaking the embrace or opening my eyes. It didn’t matter that I was a mess. It didn’t matter that everything else had gone wrong. All that mattered was that, in this moment, something, for once, felt very right. This moment was nothing short of magical.

  In spite of the fact that there was a lot of lust and very little clothing (at least on my part), we did nothing more than make out, and that was just fine because that in itself was amazing. Once I felt properly thawed out, I went upstairs to get dressed and Ryan ordered us a pizza. Over dinner, I caught him up on everything that had been going on, and I promised that from then on I would be more inclusive with him when it came to what was happening in my life.

  When it came time for Ryan to go, the goodnight kiss basically turned into another 45 minute tongue-marathon.

  “I wish I wasn’t going away with my dad all day tomorrow. I would rather stay here with you so I know you’re okay,” he said.

  “Don’t worry about me. Really. I feel so much better now, you don’t even know.” I told him. “And I’ll see you tomorrow night,” I said, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him again.

  “I can’t wait,” he said.

  I slept in on Saturday, and decided the day would be all about relaxing for me. After everything that happened, I definitely needed a mental health day. With Ryan and me now entering a new phase, I was starting to feel much better.

  Upon waking, I found text messages from both Patrick and Kate. I told them both I was feeling a little tired and wasn’t up for hanging out. I decided not to tell them of the whole debacle of temporarily losing my marbles and Ryan coming to my rescue. They were my best friends, but they didn’t need to know everything.

  I made a big vat of macaroni and cheese, sat on the couch, and watched sitcom reruns for hours. Ryan would be picking me up around 7:00 that evening. I didn’t know what was planned for the night, but it didn’t matter. As long as I was with him, whatever we did would be wonderful. I couldn’t believe I pushed him away for so long and didn’t even realize it. I was so afraid of getting hurt that I was shutting him out entirely. I was grateful he never gave up on me. Even though I had had more experience with guys, Ryan certainly seemed to be handling the situation a lot better than I was lately.

  To my surprise, around 5:00 I heard the doorbell ring. I wasn’t expecting anyone, and my friends typically came to the back door. I almost decided to ignore it, thinking it was probably a Jehovah’s Witness or something. When it rang a second time, my curiosity got the better of me.

  I opened the door to find Rich on my porch, looking as if he was about to give up and leave.

  “Hi,” he said.

  “Hey,” I said back.

  “Um, look,” he said, “I’m really sorry about how I
reacted yesterday. And, like, I really didn’t mean to make the gay thing sound like it was something bad.” Rich looked very serious. It wasn’t something I’d seen often. Maybe never.

  “Hey, it’s okay. I know it takes getting used to,” I said.

  He sighed. “No, it’s not okay. I’m not that guy. I’m not homophobic. I’m just a jerk,” he said, leaning against the porch railing.

  “I never thought you were homophobic or a jerk, Rich,” I said. To be honest, I really couldn’t give a definitive assessment of his perception of homosexuality, but I never recalled him saying anything untoward regarding gay people. In fact, I couldn’t recall him ever using the word fag or even casually calling something gay. And I unfortunately couldn’t say that about a lot of people.

  “No, you don’t understand,” he said. Something about all this was obviously weighing on him.

  “So tell me,” I said, sitting on a plastic outdoor chair.

  After seeming to arrange his thoughts for a moment he finally spoke. “This morning I went to talk to my uncle Kevin about everything that happened with you.”

  “Oh, great. Because not enough people know,” I said.

  “No,” Rich said, “It’s not like that at all. Kevin is gay. He’s actually, like, the coolest guy in my whole family.”

  “Oh.”

  “When I told him how I acted, well, he seemed really disappointed in me. I mean, if I let him down, I know I’ve been a pretty bad person,” he said earnestly.

  “Look, Rich,” I said, “you don’t have to feel so bad about it. I think you’re reading a lot more into our conversation yesterday than was really there. I know I ran out all upset, but it wasn’t really because of you. It was because of everything.”

  “But it is because of me. I’m part of everything. I’m talking about how I chose to ignore you because that’s what all the other guys did. Because getting close to someone that is in trouble might cause trouble for me.”

  “I get it,” I said. “But I mean, it’s kind of how the world works.”

  “It shouldn’t,” Rich said. “Kevin suggested that I Google gay teens and suicide. So, I did that this afternoon.”

  “It’s a lot,” I said, having seen the statistics.

  “This kind of thing that you’re going through isn’t much different from some of their stories,” Rich said. “I guess that’s what Kevin wanted me to realize. He said everyone needs an ally. I know it’s a little late, but from now on, I’m gonna have your back, man.”

  I didn’t really know what to say. This was certainly not a conversation I was expecting to come out of Rich. I’m not saying I thought Rich was dumb, but when most of your conversations were stupid jokes and observations, you can forget how much more there can be to someone. I stood up and walked closer to where Rich was.

  “Thank you,” I said. “That means a lot to me.”

  “So, are we cool?” he asked.

  “Yeah,” I said. “We’re cool.”

  I held my hand out for a first bump, but he immediately forced a bear hug on me, nearly knocking both of us over. Then he started humping my leg like a dog. Now, this was the Rich I knew.

  “I’m serious, dude,” he said when he finally let go. “If anyone gives you shit I’m gonna have to start knocking some teeth out.”

  I laughed. “I think I’m good right now. No one has really done anything bad enough for me to sick you on them.”

  “Not even Daniel?” he asked, getting serious again.

  “I don’t think busting his face up is going to solve the problem,” I said. “All I really want is for him to tell the truth.”

  “Well, maybe he just needs some encouragement,” Rich said, flexing his arm.

  “You know,” I said, “I bet he would rather take the beating than come clean about what happened.”

  “There’s got to be something you can do to get some leverage on him. Do you have anything from that night that might be incriminating that you could hold over his head? Pictures or anything?”

  “Not from that night,” I said, getting excited. “But I do have something. Rich, you’re a goddamn genius! Come with me,” I said as I went into my house.

  Once we were in my room, I fished around in my drawer until I found the print outs.

  “Now, I’m going to warn you: this is something you’ll never be able to un-see,” I told him.

  “How bad can it be?” Rich asked.

  “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” I handed him two pieces of paper containing the Craigslist ad I stumbled upon a month before including the photos that went along with it.

  “Oh, my god, what is this?!” Rich yelled, holding them away from his face and looking up at the ceiling.

  “I warned you,” I said.

  He looked back at the photos with a pained expression on his face. “This is horrifying. And perfect. This is exactly what we need, Travis!”