Thinking of You

Prologue

  When you’re young, you think, when the day comes that someone asks you to be his girlfriend, you’d be so happy and fulfilled. It’s like, a dream coming true. And when the time comes that he asks you to be his wife, you’d be so thrilled. It’d be like, this is it. Nothing could and would break you apart… Then your wedding day comes. Everyone would be so excited, everyone would almost be panicking…You walk to the aisle, with all the important people in your life inside the church, looking at you as if you’re the luckiest, happiest person on earth. And then you see your husband to be and stand beside him. You look him in the eye and think, this is the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. And then you realize, Hey, is this really the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with?. You begin to feel a lot of doubts, doubts that have long been parked inside your soul, inside your mind. Doubts that have wanted to get out, to show themselves to your face. Then you ask yourself, Why now? This cannot be… The ceremonies start. The tension builds up. And then finally, the priest asks you the dreaded question. “Carlene Marie Sanchez, are you willing to take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?...” You stare at the priest for a while. And at your husband to be. The priest asks the question again. And then you answer.

  Chapter 1

  The priest was staring at me, and so was my husband to be, Dean. I felt like a kid being grilled about a math question. Only this time, it has something to do with your decision to stay with someone infinitely. This time, there could be no turning back.

  The priest asked the question again, “Carlene Marie Sanchez, are you willing to take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?...”

  I stared at them once more, my eyes gaping.

  “Honey, are you okay?” Dean asked.

  I looked at him and felt like I was about to cry. Dean left his life abroad to be with me. Dean sacrificed a lot for me—his growing business in L.A., his studies at Harvard (Yes, he’s quite intelligent. He was taking his masteral degree for Business at the Harvard University when he met me during his summer vacation here last year). Dean loved me. He loves me. And I thought I loved him too. Until now.

  I looked at him and at the priest and finally had the courage to speak, “I’m…I’m sorry… Sorry…I…I can’t…” I said. My voice was heard on the microphone, leaving everyone bewildered.

  “What? Carlene…what’s wrong?” Dean asked.

  The priest turned off the microphone. My parents and Dean’s parents went up the altar.

  “Carlene, what’s wrong?” Dean’s mom asked. She has always been kind to me.

  “Don’t make a scene here, Carlene.” My mom said.

  It was then that the tears started to fall. “I’m sorry…I’m really sorry…I thought I could do it…I thought I was fine…” I was stammering, “Dean…I love you, I do…But I just don’t think it’s enough…”

  “Carlene…I don’t get it…what do you mean?” Dean said. In his eyes, I can see anxiousness and fears.

  “I…I don’t think…I don’t think I’m whole enough to do this…” I told him. “I’m sorry.” I then started to run away, with no idea of where to go. Dean froze in shock. Both our parents didn’t know what to do.

  “Cams!” I heard my bestfriends, Henry and Lili call out. “Wait!”

  I went inside the bridal car and asked the driver to drive me back to Lili’s apartment. It was there that I stayed in the previous night. Lili was my maid-of-honor. The driver hastily drove me away.

  ***

  “We’re very sorry, Dean…” Carlene’s mom told Dean after Carlene went away. “I didn’t know she would make a scene at her own wedding…For goodness’ sake…I don’t know what that girl wants. She is so narrow-headed.”

  “Dean, did you have a fight?” Dean’s mom asked. Dean just shook his head.

  “Maybe, she only needs time…” Dean’s mom continued, “Maybe, after tonight, she’ll be okay…Maybe in a few months…”

  “No.” Dean interrupted. “No.”

  “What do you mean no?”

  “She’s not gonna come back.” Dean stated. “I know she won’t.”

  “Dean,” Dean’s mom said, “I know you’re in a state of shock right now…But what makes you think she’s not coming back?”

  “That’s the way she is.” Dean said, almost with no emotion. “Carlene…she…when she decides, even if she’s indecisive in her mind, she makes sure that she stands by her decision. Excuse me…” He then started to walk towards his car.

  ***

  I was crying hard inside Lili’s bedroom when she and Henry came in. I was still wearing my wedding gown but I looked like a horror. Who wouldn’t? Henry went back out in a few seconds.

  “Hey…” Lili said as she sat down on the floor beside me, “hey…,hey…Carlene…what happened?”

  I looked at her and sniffed, “I don’t know…I…I really don’t…”

  Henry came back holding a glass of water. He handed me the glass and I drank then put in down the floor.

  “I’m sorry…I’m really sorry…” I said.

  “You don’t have to be sorry to us.” Henry smiled.

  “I’m such a disappointment…” I said, knowing it was all true: I definitely am a disappointment.

  “Cams…” Lili said, “Don’t say that…”

  “I thought…I thought I loved him, you know? I do. I love him…” I said, “I love him…but it’s not enough…I’m not enough…I’m not whole enough, I’m not secured…I’m just…It’s like I’m just riding along…I can’t…I don’t think I can spend the rest of my life with him…”

  “But you were getting along fine…You said you were happy…” Lili said.

  “I know, I know…” I told her, “But… I…I dunno… I can’t…I just can’t…”

  “Maybe you need a break, Cams…” Henry said, “I mean…maybe you could take a vacation or something…”

  “Henry, are you saying that Carlene should just go and escape? There’s a problem here…” Lili contested.

  “Lils, it’s not like that…It’s not like I’m telling her to run away…” Henry said, “I just want her to figure things out on her own. I mean, what do we know, right? Carlene has thoughts of her own. She has her feelings…So maybe, yeah, this is a case of her indecisiveness. It is. But what if she stood there and didn’t stand her ground? What if she just said yes? It’s like she’s tying herself to a lifelong decision she wasn’t even sure about.”

  “How…How do you know that?” Lili asked.

  “It’s how I felt when I got engaged to Mara.” He answered, “Sure, it maybe unfair. It is. It’s crazy, I don’t know if Mara will ever forgive me. But if I didn’t break up with her…I wouldn’t have known how much I love you, Lils.” He said. “And who knows? Maybe that’s also Carlene’s case. Maybe, there’s something better out there. And she might miss it if she got married today.”

  Lili nodded her head. “Let’s pack your bags.” She said as she turned to me.

  ***

  I left later that evening. I called up my parents; even Dean’s. But not Dean himself. I couldn’t. It was already killing me knowing how much he got hurt at the church hours ago; I couldn’t bear hurting him even more. I know my decision sounds stupid. Even I think so. But there’s something about that moment in church a while ago. I remembered all my childhood dreams, all my romantic fantasies…And as much as I didn’t want to feel what I felt, I felt like a princess trapped in a garret. I felt like being imprisoned in a cell I thought was a palace. It was crazy how I felt it only then, exactly on my wedding day. But I guess, the reason is I was so pre-occupied with other stuff, with my work, with the preparations that I forgot to ask myself if marrying Dean was really what I wanted. I forgot to think o
f me. Not Dean and me, not about our plans, but just me, and me alone.

  To date, this could be called my biggest failure. My stupidest, craziest decision. Who gets a case of indecisiveness on her own wedding day, anyway?

  I wish I could say that the reason why I did this is because Dean is a big, fat, asshole. It might be easier that way. But the thing is, he’s not.

  Let me tell you the story about how we met. It was only over a year ago. I was 23. I had the whole world on my plate—I was the official stylist of a very popular teen magazine, I was doing a stint on a radio station and I also was designing for a little fashion brand. I was supposed to go to New York June last year. It was summer then. I was invited to a cocktail party one of the fashion brands we feature in the magazine were hosting. And there he was—standing in one corner. Our eyes met and I smiled at him—it was the most natural thing to do. I started talking to the people I know when someone tapped me at the back. It was him. My initial reaction was, he reminds me so much of Hugh Dancy in that Shopaholic film. He looked shy, which I found cute, and he had this mysterious air in him.

  “Hi…” I greeted.

  “Hi…” he shot back, “Uhm..I…uh…”

  “Yes?”

  “I’m stuttering…I’m sorry…” He smiled. “I just wanted to say Hi…I mean, I don’t really know anyone here…”

  I laughed, “Well, who invited you?”

  “No one…”

  “You’re a gatecrasher?”

  “No, no, definitely not.” He said, “I’m just…I’m just a proxy…”

  “Oh.” I said.

  “It’s for the photo studios you always shoot at…Actually, my cousin Luke owns the place…I’m home for the summer so he thought it would be good if I go…”

  “Oh, Luke…he’s a nice guy…where is he, anyway?”

  “With his girlfriend…” he smiled. It was a nice smile.

  “Uh-huh…I see…” I said, “You said you’re home for the summer? What? You live in the states?”

  “Yeah, for a few years now…” He answered, “We have a business in L.A…I was delegated as the COO…And I’m studying…In Harvard.”

  “Whoa…You have an impressive résumé…” I said, “But you still haven’t told me your name…”

  He laughed, “Sorry…” He said, “It’s Dean. Dean Mercado.”

  “Hi Dean…” I smiled, “Your name fits you. You look so smart. I’m Carlene. Carlene Marie Sanchez…But you can call me Cams…” I gave him my hand for him to shake.

  We spent that night together. In the party, I mean. Never mind the wild dancing; we spent the night talking at the backyard, drinking our martinis. We talked about everything and nothing in particular. We didn’t notice the hours pass. And then it was time for goodbye. He walked me to my car and said, “I hope this isn’t the last time I’ll be seeing you. I really had a great time…”

  “My pleasure.” I told him. I gave him my digits and gave him a peck on the cheek. He promised to call.

  And he did. The day after the party, he called me up. We talked till the wee hours of the morning. He volunteered to pick me up the following day and I agreed. We’ve been going out ever since. We officially became a couple just before that May ended. But then he had to leave. I promised we’d see each other when I go to New York. I went to New York that June and we met up when he flew in to see me. My work in New York was just to coordinate at some shoots for our sister magazine there. I had to go back to the Philippines after 3 months. Dean was also busy with his studies in Harvard. Christmas time came and he once again arrived here in the Philippines. It was then that he asked me to get married. We were only together for 7 months but he said he knew that I was the one. I told him to think about it first—he had a bright future in the states and I also had my plans. He told me he was postponing Harvard for a while; he said he wanted to stay with me. Besides, he had enough savings to establish a business. I was so overwhelmed that I said yes.

  Dean was the most loving fiancé anyone could ever ask for. He was very supportive of me. He was there when I needed him most. Then came February. There was an offer for me to go back to New York—this time, for as long as I wanted to stay. Our sister company was hiring me and at that moment, I wanted to ride on a plane and be whisked away to New York—it was everything I’ve ever wanted. But something stopped me: It was Dean. He never stopped me personally but I decided not to go. He gave up almost everything for me, why wouldn’t I do the same? I told him I didn’t want to go. We then came back on preparing for the wedding (which was due in 4 months). I think, it was at that moment that my feelings for him start to waver. It wasn’t his fault; it was just me. New York was on my mind the whole time. I regretted not going. Everything seemed fine, but thinking back now, I realized, I wasted all those months pretending I was happy when I’m not.

  And so today came. And I ran.

 

  Chapter 2

  The following day, Dean went to Lili’s apartment. Lili was surprised when she saw him.

  “Dean…” she greeted.

  He nodded his head, “Is she here?” he asked. “My mom said she called up saying she left but I figured she may just be here…Lili, I need to talk to her.” Dean’s voice sounded feeble and weak; he drank a lot the past night.

  “I’m sorry, Dean…” Lili answered, “She’s not here. She left last night. I don’t know where she is.”

  “LIli, please…”

  “Dean, it’s true. She really left. And it would be best if you won’t try to find her.”

  “How can you say that?”

  “She needs this.” Lili answered, “You both do.”

  “Lili, I love her.”

  “I know.”

  “That’s it?”

  “What do you want me to say?” Lili answered, “Dean, she had to leave. She’s…she can’t do this.”

  “Why? What’s wrong? Why didn’t she tell me?”

  “That one I don’t know.”

  “I need her.”

  “Dean…I…I’m sorry…”

  He didn’t speak for a while and then, “If she comes back, will you tell me?”

  “If she comes back and she’s ready to face you, she will.”

  No one spoke for a while. Dean just went down the stairs and walked back to his car. He drove, not knowing where to go.

  “He’s in my room, Tita…” Luke said when Dean’s mom arrived at his home later that day. Dean left his cellphone at home and his mom got worried.

  “Thanks Luke…” Dean’s mom said. She then went up the stairs to Luke’s room. She knocked twice then opened the room. She saw Dean lying down in bed, staring at the ceiling, with tears on his cheeks. She sat down beside him and wiped away his tears.

  “I’m sorry, Dean.” She said.

  “You know where she is, don’t you?”

  “Son, I don’t. She didn’t tell me where she was going…”

  “Why did she have to do this? I love her.”

  “I know. I know. And she loves you, too.”

  “If she does, why did she have to leave?”

  His mom paused for a while and then, “Maybe…she did because she loves you so much that she doesn’t wanna hurt you.”

  “I don’t…I don’t get it…”

  “Honey, maybe…maybe it’s just not time for her to get married yet.”

  “But what about me? What mom? You’re gonna say, there are other girls out there?”

  “No.” His mom said, “But Dean, maybe there’s still something in herself that she needs to fix. And she just figured it out yesterday. Dean, you wouldn’t want her to stay with you knowing she’s not complete. Knowing there’s still something missing.”

  “I thought, I thought it was me who completed her…”

  “Sweetie, relationships consists of two whole individuals, not two halves wanting to make a perfect whole.”

  “How can you say that? Are you even in love with dad?”

  “Dean, you’re
getting out of line.”

  “Hell, yeah, I am, so what?” All this time I never dared to ask you who that guy in the old photo was. That photo that you got so mad at when I saw it…”

  “Dean, stop.” At that point, his mom had tears in her eyes. “Stay here. Don’t go home. Not now. Excuse me.” She then went away.

  “You’re dumb, man, why did you say that?” Luke asked Dean as they were eating dinner that evening. “Your mom’s so nice, you shouldn’t have…”

  “I know.” Dean said, “But I felt all the rage. How can she talk about love when I don’t even see her in dad in love?”

  “Dean, that’s not a good reason.”

  “I’m just…I’m just really sad…How could she could leave just like that?”

  “You know what, Dean,” Luke said, “Your mom could be right. She needs herself to be fixed. Who knows? If you’re meant to be, you’re meant to be.”

  “I’m just afraid she wouldn’t come back.”

  “Maybe,” Luke said, “it’s for the best.”

  ***

  I decided to go to Tagaytay and stay at a bed-and-breakfast. I arranged my things in my room and decided to go out for a walk. I just couldn’t stay in bed; a lot of thoughts were running in my head. I wish I didn’t have to run away. I wish I was strong enough to stay. Dean loved me, what else do I need? But I realized, sometimes, love really just ain’t enough.

  The remorse, the regrets were killing me. I should’ve known better. I wish I told him I badly wanted to go to New York—maybe that could have saved us. I wish I wasn’t the coward one; I wish I wasn’t like my first boyfriend—who only stayed with me because he didn’t have the guts to tell me what was wrong with our relationship. I did the same to Dean. I wasn’t honest, and I wish I was.