School for Husbands and the Imaginary Cuckold, or Sganarelle

  ISABELLE

  Would you believe it? She loves that rogue whom we

  Have just sent packing.

  SGANARELLE

  Valère?

  ISABELLE

  Yes, desperately:

  I’ve never seen an ardor so intense;

  And you may judge her passion’s violence

  By her coming here, at such an hour, alone,

  To make the anguish of her spirit known.

  She told me that she surely will expire

  Unless she can obtain her heart’s desire,

  That for a year and more, Valère and she

  Were fervent lovers, meeting secretly,

  And that, when first they loved, they traded vows,

  Each promising to become the other’s spouse.

  SGANARELLE

  The wretched girl!

  ISABELLE

  That, knowing how I’d sent

  The man she worships into banishment,

  She begged me to allow her, since her heart

  Would break if he were ever to depart,

  To bid him in my name to come tonight

  And stand beneath my window, so that she might

  Impersonate my voice, and in a vein

  Of sweet indulgence move him to remain—

  Thus using for her own ends, as you see,

  The warm regard she knows he feels for me.

  SGANARELLE

  And do you condone—

  ISABELLE

  I? No, I’m much put out.

  “Sister,” I said, “you’re mad beyond a doubt.

  Do you not blush to throw your heart away

  On a fickle sort who changes every day,

  And shame your sex by choosing him instead

  Of the trusting man whom Heaven would have you wed?”

  SGANARELLE

  Just what the fool deserves; I’m most content.

  ISABELLE

  In short, with many a furious argument

  I chided her behavior, and said I quite

  Refused to let her use my room tonight;

  But she poured such entreaties in my ears,

  And heaved such sighs, and wept so many tears,

  And said so often that she would despair

  Unless I granted her impassioned prayer,

  That love for her compelled me to accede.

  Then, to secure the witness I might need

  To clear my name, I thought to ask my friend

  Lucrèce, whose many virtues you commend,

  To spend the night with me. But ere I could go,

  Your quick return surprised me, as you know.

  SGANARELLE

  No! All this jugglery I won’t permit.

  To spite my brother, I might agree to it;

  But from the street they might be seen and heard;

  And she on whom my hand’s to be conferred

  Must be not only chaste by disposition,

  And gently bred, but quite above suspicion.

  Let’s send this wanton girl away, and teach her—

  ISABELLE

  Oh, no; you’d be too harsh with the poor creature;

  And she might very justly take offense

  At my betrayal of her confidence.

  Since you require me to refuse my sister,

  Stay here, at least, until I have dismissed her.

  SGANARELLE

  Well, do so, then.

  ISABELLE

  Pray find some place of hiding,

  And let her leave without reproach or chiding.

  SGANARELLE

  For love of you I’ll curb my anger, dear;

  But just as soon as she is out of here

  I’ll run and find my brother; ’twill be a rare

  Pleasure to let him know of this affair.

  ISABELLE

  In your account, please leave my name unsaid.

  Good night: When she has left, I’ll go to bed.

  SGANARELLE

  Until tomorrow, my pet. I cannot wait

  To see my brother, and tell him of his fate!

  He’s proven a fool, for all his glib conceit:

  Not for a million would I miss this treat.

  ISABELLE

  (Inside the house.)

  Yes, Sister, I’m sorry that you’re so distressed,

  But I can’t grant the favor you request:

  The danger to my honor would be too great.

  Farewell. Best hurry home; it’s growing late.

  SGANARELLE

  She’ll leave, I wager, feeling cross and sore.

  For fear she may come back, I’ll lock the door.

  ISABELLE

  (Aside, as she emerges in disguise:)

  Help my cause, Heaven; don’t abandon me.

  SGANARELLE

  (Aside:)

  Where is she going? I’ll follow a bit, and see.

  ISABELLE

  (Aside:)

  At any rate, this dark night serves my end.

  SGANARELLE

  (Aside:)

  She’s gone to Valère’s house! What can she intend?

  Scene 3

  Valère, Isabelle, Sganarelle.

  VALÈRE

  (Coming out in haste.)

  Yes, yes; tonight, if some way can be found

  To tell her . . . Who’s there?

  ISABELLE

  Valère, don’t make a sound.

  You needn’t go out; I’m here; it’s Isabelle.

  SGANARELLE

  (Aside:)

  No, you’re not she; what a brazen lie you tell!

  She lives by honor, whereas you flirt with shame,

  And falsely have assumed her voice and name.

  ISABELLE

  (To Valère:)

  However, unless your goal is matrimony—

  VALÈRE

  My heart is moved by that sweet purpose only.

  Tomorrow, I assure you, I shall seize

  The chance to wed you in any church you please.

  SGANARELLE

  (Aside:)

  Poor hoodwinked fool!

  VALÈRE

  Come in, and have no fear;

  That dupe, your guardian, cannot touch you here,

  And ere I let him sunder me from you

  This arm of mine will run him through and through.

  SGANARELLE

  (Alone:)

  Oh, rest assured that I won’t deprive you of

  This shameless girl, who’s so enslaved by love;

  That what you’ve promised her does not aggrieve me,

  And that I’ll make you marry her, believe me!

  Yes, he must be surprised with that young doxy:

  Both as her well-respected father’s proxy

  And for her sister’s name, I must see to it

  That she avoids disgrace, if I can do it.

  Ho, there!

  (He knocks at the door of a Magistrate.)

  Scene 4

  Sganarelle, a Magistrate, a Notary, an Attendant with a lantern.

  MAGISTRATE

  Yes?

  SGANARELLE

  Magistrate, I’m glad you’re here.

  You’re needed, sir, in your official gear.

  Please follow me, and bring that lantern, too.

  MAGISTRATE

  We were going—

  SGANARELLE

  But this is urgent.

  MAGISTRATE

  What must I do?

  SGANARELLE

  Go in there, and take two culprits by surprise

  Who should be joined by lawful marriage ties.

  I know the girl: She, trusting in the vows

  Of one Valère, was lured into his house.

  She comes of good and noble family, yet—

  MAGISTRATE

  If that’s your purpose, we’re indeed well met,

  For we have a notary with us.

  SGANARELLE

  That would be you, sir?

  NOTARY

  Yes; a kin
g’s notary.

  MAGISTRATE

  A man of honor too, sir.

  SGANARELLE

  Of course. Well, use that door—tread softly, eh?—

  And don’t let anybody get away.

  You shall be well rewarded for this endeavor;

  Don’t let them try to grease your palm, however.

  MAGISTRATE

  What! Do you think that a jurist of my station—?

  SGANARELLE

  I meant no slur upon your occupation.

  I’ll go at once and fetch my brother. Kindly

  Allow your lantern-bearer to walk behind me.

  (Aside:)

  Now, gentle Brother, I’ll pay you a cheery visit.

  Hello!

  (He knocks at Ariste’s door.)

  Scene 5

  Ariste, Sganarelle.

  ARISTE

  Who’s knocking? Ah there, Brother! What is it?

  SGANARELLE

  Come, my wise pedagogue, my agèd beau,

  There are pretty doings of which you ought to know.

  ARISTE

  How’s that?

  SGANARELLE

  I bring you pleasant tidings.

  ARISTE

  Well?

  SGANARELLE

  Where is your Léonor tonight, pray tell?

  ARISTE

  Why do you ask? As I recall, she’s gone

  To a friend’s house, for a ball.

  SGANARELLE

  Ha! Well, come on

  And see what sort of ball such girls prefer.

  ARISTE

  What are you saying?

  SGANARELLE

  How well you’ve tutored her!

  “It does no good to censure and upbraid;

  No, it’s by kindness that young minds are swayed;

  It isn’t bolts and bars and strict controls

  That give our wives and maidens virtuous souls;

  Too much constraint can make them misbehave,

  And a bit of freedom’s what all women crave.”

  Well, she’s been free in the extreme, I’d say,

  And her virtue grows more easy every day.

  ARISTE

  What are you getting at? I cannot quite—

  SGANARELLE

  Ah, dearest elder Brother, this serves you right!

  I wouldn’t miss it; you shall now find out

  What your crazed theories have brought about.

  See how these girls reflect what they’ve been taught;

  Mine flees from gallants, yours chooses to be caught.

  ARISTE

  If you won’t stop riddling—

  SGANARELLE

  The riddle of this affair

  Is that her ball’s at the house of young Valère;

  That I saw her steal by night into his place,

  And that she’s, even now, in his embrace.

  ARISTE

  Who?

  SGANARELLE

  Léonor.

  ARISTE

  Please, please, let’s have no jokes.

  SGANARELLE

  He dares dismiss my story as a hoax!

  Poor fellow, I’ve told you—and I say once more—

  That at Valère’s you’ll find your Léonor.

  Know, too, that they were pledged to marry, well

  Before he dreamt of courting Isabelle.

  ARISTE

  This tale’s preposterous. You cannot mean it.

  SGANARELLE

  He won’t believe it, even when he’s seen it!

  This drives me mad. Old age without a brain

  (Tapping his forehead:)

  Is not worth much.

  ARISTE

  Come, Brother, do you maintain—

  SGANARELLE

  Lord, no! I maintain nothing. Just follow me,

  And you’ll be freed from all uncertainty.

  You’ll see if I lie, and if it isn’t so

  That their troths were plighted more than a year ago.

  ARISTE

  Does it seem likely that she would embark

  On such a course, and leave me in the dark,

  When, all her life, I’ve looked with an entire

  Indulgence on her every young desire,

  And promised always that I’d not prevent

  Her heart from freely following its bent?

  SGANARELLE

  Come, let your own eyes judge how matters stand.

  A magistrate and notary are on hand:

  The promised marriage should at once take place,

  I think, to rescue her from more disgrace.

  You, I assume, care something for your honor,

  And would not wed her with this stain upon her—

  Unless you fancy that your liberal vision

  And fine ideas could save you from derision.

  ARISTE

  To claim another’s heart against her will

  Is something I would scorn to do. But still

  I’m not convinced that—

  SGANARELLE

  How you do run on!

  Let’s go, or we’ll be chattering here till dawn.

  Scene 6

  Sganarelle, Ariste, the Magistrate, the Notary.

  MAGISTRATE

  There’s no need for compulsion, gentlemen;

  If all you want is to see them married, then

  I here and now can give you peace of mind.

  Both parties, I am told, are so inclined,

  And here is a signed statement from Valère

  That he means to wed the girl now in his care.

  ARISTE

  And the girl’s—?

  MAGISTRATE

  Locked in, and won’t come out unless

  You grant their wish for wedded happiness.

  Scene 7

  Valère, the Magistrate, the Notary, Sganarelle, Ariste.

  VALÈRE

  (At the window of his house.)

  No, gentlemen; none shall enter here till you’ve

  Assured me formally that you approve.

  You know me, sirs; I’ve done what I must do

  And signed the instrument they’ll show to you.

  If you are willing, then, for us to marry,

  Your signatures are all that’s necessary;

  If not, you’ll have to take my life before

  You rob me of the one whom I adore.

  SGANARELLE

  No, we’ll not rob you; set your mind at rest.

  (Sotto voce, aside:)

  He still believes that Isabelle is his guest:

  Well, let him think it.

  ARISTE

  (To Valère:)

  But is it Léonor—?

  SGANARELLE

  (To Ariste:)

  Be quiet.

  ARISTE

  But—

  SGANARELLE

  Hush.

  ARISTE

  I want to know—

  SGANARELLE

  Once more,

  Will you be quiet?

  VALÈRE

  In any case, good sirs,

  Isabelle has my pledge, as I have hers.

  Do think it over: I’m not so poor a catch

  That you should make objection to the match.

  ARISTE

  (To Sganarelle:)

  The name he said was—

  SGANARELLE

  Quiet! When this is through,

  You shall know everything. (To Valère) Yes, without more ado,

  We both agree that you shall be the spouse

  Of her who is at present in your house.

  MAGISTRATE

  Just how this contract puts it, to the letter.

  The name’s left blank, because we’ve not yet met her.

  Sign here. The girl can do so by and by.

  VALÈRE

  I agree to that.

  SGANARELLE

  With my whole heart, so do I.

  (Aside:)

  What a laugh I soon shall have! (To Ariste) Sign, Brother dear;


  You should go first.

  ARISTE

  All this is so unclear—

  SGANARELLE

  Sign, sign, you idiot! What are you waiting for?

  ARISTE

  He speaks of Isabelle, you of Léonor.

  SGANARELLE

  What if it’s she? Are you not willing, Brother,