Shine Not Burn

  I sighed with both happiness and melancholy. The wind had blown me to Baker City, Oregon and by being here I’d found a place in the world where I could very possibly discover peace, for the first time in my life. But this Eden was inhabited by one of the biggest mistakes I’d ever made in my life, and because of that, I would have to leave.

  There was just too much negativity wrapped up in the situation to consider staying: a drunken, blacked out marriage that was neglected for two whole years; a girlfriend waitress who maybe wasn’t a girlfriend but she sure seemed to think she was; an angry younger brother who may or may not blame me or Mack for his failed wedding plans; and the fact that I’d poured my heart out to this stranger and shared pieces of me that I’d been trying to lose for over ten years. It was hopeless.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  “YOU’RE BEING AWFULLY QUIET BACK there. What’re you thinking about?”

  Mack’s question startled me out of my reverie and reminded me I was sitting up way too high off the earth. My body tensed for a few seconds before I could get a grip on myself again. “Nothing.” Better to just let it lie, right? Sometimes the truth just needs to stay in darkness. The problem was that it felt like if I hid the truth from everyone, I’d be hiding myself there too, and I wasn’t a fan of the dark.

  “I don’t believe that for a second. I get the feeling you’re always thinking about something.”

  “What are you thinking?” I asked, trying to turn the tables over to safer topics.

  He glanced back at me. “About how bad I want to see you naked again.”

  My face pinked up. “Be serious.”

  “I am being serious.” He turned to face front so I was looking at his broad back once more. “That’s not all I’m thinking, but it’s high on the list.”

  I sighed, sad because I wanted to see him naked again too, and in the light of day for a change, but that would be stupid. Sex would only complicate things more. “We’re not going to do that again, okay? The two times we’ve done it were both mistakes.”

  “Two times? Boy, you’re not very good with math, are you?”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Well, according to my math, it’s more like five or six. Not that I was counting or anything.”

  “What? You’re crazy.” I wondered what else I’d forgotten from that night, other than the wedded-by-Elvis part.

  “Believe me, I don’t forget things like that.”

  I snorted. “Right. How many women have you been with?”

  He twisted around and grinned. “You jealous?”

  “No.” Maybe. Yes.

  He shrugged. “Not many. I’m picky.”

  “I find that hard to believe.”

  He stopped his horse. My horse kept going until it was next to his.

  “It’s true,” he said in a more serious tone. “I don’t just sleep with any girl.”

  “You slept with Hannah.” It was a total shot in the dark, but I waited breathlessly for his response.

  “No, I did not.” He sounded offended. “Who told you that? I’ve never slept with that girl nor would I ever.”

  I shrugged. “I heard it in town somewhere.”

  His jaw was set and hard as he stared off ahead of his horse. I figured I’d already gotten him upset once, might as well go all the way.

  “You slept with Ginny.” Another shot in the dark. This one right into the heart.

  Mack kicked his horse and it took off running, leaving me and my horse behind. Apparently she didn’t appreciate it, because she took off right after them. She didn’t go as fast, but the pace was accelerated enough to cause me to turn into a bouncing piece of human popcorn on the saddle. My butt slapped the leather seat over and over making the most embarrassing sound … Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! My yell came out with every bump telegraphed in it. “Ah-uh-ah-uh-ah-uh-ahhhhh! Mack! Wait-uh-ay-uh-ayyyyt!” My teeth clacked together when I stopped talking, giving me a headache.

  I whap-whap-whapped my butt around a windy trail through a cover of trees and out into a blindingly bright meadow full of wildflowers before we finally slowed. Mack was standing still again, his horse just on the outside of the field. He slid down off the back of the animal and started unbuckling some packs that were strapped to the back part of his saddle. My horse drew up next to his and then dropped her head sharply, jerking the reins out of my hands.

  I stared at him, wondering if he really had slept with his brother’s fiancée. I really hadn’t thought it was the truth, and I don’t know why I said it. But his reaction made me doubly curious, and it also made me wonder if I’d misjudged him. He didn’t seem the type to do something like that … something like I had done by sleeping with him while engaged to Bradley. God, I’m such a terrible person. Why would he want to be with me? Is it because he’s a cheater too? The very idea made me sick for some weird reason. I wanted him to be a better person than me.

  “You can get down now if you like,” he said, not looking at me.

  “I’d love to,” I said, sarcastically.

  He stopped what he was doing and stared up at me with stormy eyes. “So what’s stopping you?”

  “The two-story drop to my death.” I looked pointedly at the ground.

  He went back to his unpacking, ignoring me entirely. I gritted my teeth together as I watched him pull out a thick blanket and then a few brown bags with things in them I couldn’t see. It looked like a picnic that would be much better enjoyed on the ground.

  My horse took a few steps forward, her head staying down so she could yank up a mouthful of grass. Mack busied himself with putting out the blanket and setting things down on it. I held onto the saddle horn for a while but eventually gave up on waiting for his help. Leaning over the front of the saddle while hanging onto the horn at my chest for dear life, I swung my right leg over the back of the horse and slid down its side to the ground.

  Surprisingly, I landed on my feet and not my butt, which was a good thing considering how sore it was at the moment.

  I walked out into the field and left him behind, feeling a little lost and alone over the idea that he wasn’t as perfect as I’d built him up to be in my mind. When I got halfway in, I stopped and looked around. Butterflies flitted among the petals of the wild flowers at my feet and beyond. Birds chirped in the nearby trees. Dandelion fluff or something soft and white floated in the air. My sense of wonder was complete. If fairies existed, they would definitely live in this place.

  Footsteps crunched and swished behind me, but they were of the two-legged variety, so I didn’t look back. Mack stopped at my side, staring out into the flowers with me.

  “I brought a picnic.”

  “I saw that.” My throat was sore from unshed tears. I refused to cry over a guy who hadn’t measured up to my impossibly high standards. Even if he was my husband.

  “I didn’t sleep with Ginny either.”

  “That’s nice. For Ian.” I hid my relief well, letting out a long breath in a very quiet stream through my nose. He wasn’t a cheater. Why that mattered to me - a cheater myself - made no sense … but there it was.

  “But I did cause them to break up.”

  I turned to look at him. His expression was nothing less than tortured.

  “What happened?” Now instead of feeling angry or relieved, I just felt sad for him. It was clear this had hurt.

  He cast his eyes down, his hands hanging loosely from his front pockets. “When we went to Vegas and I pretty much disappeared all night with you, it got the guys pretty pissed off. They looked for me all night, I found out later. When we got back, the story got told around town that I’d disappeared and they’d all assumed it was with a woman.”

  “What’s that got to do with Ginny?”

  “I’m getting to that.” He sighed, looking off into the distance. “Ginny was at a store in town and overheard someone talking about how Ian’s bachelor party was a bust because one of the guys disappeared with some woman and caused a big fuss. She
asked who they were talking about and no one could tell her.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I’d sworn them all to secrecy. They did it - kept their mouths shut - for me. Mostly shut, anyway.”

  “What? I’m sorry, but I’m completely lost. Are we still talking about Ginny?”

  He sighed heavily. “Yes, in a roundabout way, we are. What happened is that the guys found me in the lobby where I was waiting for you, and they took me to get our stuff, and we went home. On the way back I told them everything and made them swear not to tell a soul. I wanted to surprise our parents when I introduced you.” His voice got rough at the end.

  “I don’t get it. I’m sorry, Mack. I know I sound like an idiot and I sure feel like one, but I think I’m missing parts of the story.”

  He looked at me, his expression tortured. “You really don’t remember?”

  “No, I swear to God, I don’t.” I put my hand in his large one, holding it gently. “I’m sure it’s not because I wasn’t really feeling whatever it was I was feeling at the time. I just … drank way too much, I think.”

  He nodded once, walking back towards the horses and pulling me along with him gently. I tried to take my hand back, but he just held tighter.

  “Do you want me to tell you the story the way I remember it? Start to finish?”

  “Yes,” I said, “please do that. And what I remember, I’ll fill in too.” The anticipation of learning the truth was great, but so was the fear that I wasn’t going to like what I heard.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  “COME SIT ON THE BLANKET with me and we’ll talk while we eat the lunch my mom made for us.”

  “Aww, she made lunch for us? That’s so cute.” I never used that word for moms, but there was something about Maeve that made it the only word that would fit.

  “She likes you a lot.”

  I felt ashamed about that … having her like me when I was just going to break her son’s heart. “How could she like me? She doesn’t even know me.”

  “I think she can tell how much I care about you, and that means something to her.”

  I had no response for that, so I kept my mouth shut. I wanted it to be true, as implausible as it seemed.

  I settled onto the blanket and Mack did something to tie the horses up so they could eat too. He joined me, lying down on his side next to me as I sat up with my legs crossed. I took a long blade of grass from nearby and played with it as he told me his story, keeping my eyes on my task so he could recount our shared past without feeling embarrassed.

  “Okay, so here’s how I remember it. I was sitting there minding my own business at the blackjack tables, trying to win a little money to give to my brother for his wedding gift. He and Ginny were planning to go to Hawaii and it was taking a pretty big chunk of change from his savings.”

  “Your mom told me.”

  “I was up about a grand when a pretty little girl in a tight dress came over and threw a drink on me.”

  “Guilty.” I raised a finger for a few seconds before letting it drop. I found that I liked being called the pretty little girl in a tight dress for some reason.

  “After spending a little time with her and thinking about nothing but wanting to know her better in every way, we went up to her room where I did just that. I got to know her, and for the first time in my life, I felt like I was with someone I could really relax with. Be with.” He rolled over onto his back, lacing his hands behind his head. “It sounds crazy to say it out loud, but I distinctly remember thinking when I saw you sitting at that blackjack table that you were the girl for me.” He shifted his head to look in my direction, so I lifted my face to look at him too. “Maybe even before that. When you threw the drink on me … I think I knew it then.” His piercing blue eyes slayed me, sending a heat right into my veins to warm up my whole body.

  “That’s crazy,” I said in a slightly breathless voice. “That doesn’t happen in real life.”

  “It does in mine.” He looked back at the sky. “Anyway, I fell for you like a ton of bricks and we made love, which only sealed the deal for me.” He got a weird grin on his face. “And then we laid there and talked.” He sounded like he didn’t believe it himself. “Everything you said just spoke to me on a really deep level.” He looked at me again. “You might find this hard to believe, but I generally don’t have conversations like that with people.”

  I smiled sadly. “I got that impression.” I loved knowing I was special in his life, but I hated knowing it was only temporary. It sucks more than anything in the world to see a dream of who you could be and know you have to walk away from it to be something less. Living up to the expectations of others was beginning to feel like it was the path to destroying my soul.

  “So I got this wild hair up my … hat … and asked you to come on an adventure with me. We went to a bar where I flirted outrageously with you and then asked you to marry me.”

  I swallowed with difficulty. “You did? You actually asked me?”

  “Yeah. Got on bended knee with a flower that some guy sold me and everything.”

  “Oh, God, I wish I could remember that part.” I felt like crying.

  “Yeah, it was pretty bad. But I somehow managed to convince you it was a great plan, and off we went to the chapel. We had to wait in line for a while. I had to keep reminding you we weren’t in a hotel room anymore.”

  I dropped my head into my hands. “I’m not sure I want to hear this part.”

  “Why not? It’s the best part.” He was grinning again, I could tell by the tone of his voice, but I refused to look at him.

  “What did I do?”

  “You couldn’t keep your hands off me. I had to take your hands out of my pants about ten times.”

  “Oh, Jesus … no wonder you wanted to marry me!” I tried to keep the images from entering my head, but it wasn’t working.

  He reached over and pulled one of my hands away. “Come over here. You’re too far away.”

  I yanked my hand back. “No. Stay away. I’m too embarrassed.”

  He sat up and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me down with him until I was lying partly next to him and partly on top of him. I didn’t fight him at all, I just let myself be force-cuddled.

  “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. It was the best night of my life and not just because you kept calling me King Dong.”

  I laughed. I couldn’t help it. “Oh, how far I’ve fallen.”

  “Shush, I still haven’t told you the whole story.”

  “So tell it. And try to skip over the parts where I humiliate myself time and again.”

  “I’ll try, but those were the fun parts. The other parts that came later are the sad part of the story.”

  My heart clenched up in my chest. “Tell me.”

  He remained silent for awhile, but I didn’t push him. I was busy enough with imagining our night together that I didn’t need him to continue right away.

  “Where was I?” he finally said.

  “We were in line at the chapel.”

  “Yeah, okay. So we got to our turn and we didn’t have rings. They offered to sell us one, but you said you didn’t need one. We said the vows, which you made up, and then we signed the documents.”

  “Do I want to know the vows?”

  “They were very creative.”

  “Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.” I was trying to keep my humiliation from becoming complete.

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah. Tell me the rest of the story.

  “Alright, so after the deed was done, I finally took a look at my phone and saw about fifty texts from my brother and his friends. While we were waiting for them to come, we talked about what we were going to do.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “We talked about our future.”

  “Oh.”

  “You were going to go back to your room and stay with your friends and call me in the morning. You wanted to get pretty or something, you sai
d. Letting your boobs breathe, I think was another concern. I was just going to hook back up with my brother for a few hours before we had to leave and then re-connect with you by phone first.”

  “And then what? We were going to live apart as a married couple? This doesn’t sound like a very smart plan or anything I would have been a part of, even drunk out of my gourd.”

  “Me neither. But at the time, it made perfect sense. We’d both been drinking, so even though I knew what I was doing, I might have suffered a little bit of fantasy-thinking at the time.”

  “Fantasy-thinking. Hmmm.”

  “Yeah. Anyway, we got to the hotel lobby and I left you at your room telling you to meet me downstairs later. When I went back down to the lobby, my brother was already there, fuming. He was pissed I’d missed the whole night with him and his buddies, and it didn’t help that he’d lost all his money gambling. We got our bags from the desk and he went to the airport, but I stayed there in the hotel, waiting for your call.”

  I swallowed hard. “I didn’t call you.”

  “No,” he said quietly. “You didn’t call me.” His arms went tighter around my body.

  “How long did you wait?”

  “Until lunchtime. Several hours. I called the number you gave me eventually, but it wasn’t your number.”

  “What number was it?” I asked, confused.

  “I have no idea. Some guy named Deacon kept answering.”

  “Luke Deacon?” I asked in a small voice.

  “Yeah. Something like that. Do you know him?”

  “He was my ex.” I looked up at the sky, my face flaming red again. “Oh, man. I am such a loser. I gave you my ex’s phone number by mistake.”

  “You sure it was a mistake?” he asked. He was looking at me again, his expression unreadable.

  “Of course it was,” I said, not sure I believed myself. Maybe some part of me got married to him because of Luke’s recent and overly cold rejection. There was nothing more opposite to rejection than a marriage proposal, after all. Talk about a rebound.