Under the Lights

  She was different. Not just her looks, because like everyone else she’d grown up. She wasn’t the little girl with pigtails and dirty knees from playing ball with us anymore. It was more than that. She was harder, withdrawn, and untouchable. The carefree, laughing girl I once knew was gone. Completely.

  “She’s changed. I’m curious.”

  Maggie shrugged. “Call it whatever you want. But you’re more than curious. It was entertaining to watch.”

  This was a pointless conversation. “Whatever” was my annoyed response before I turned and walked back out the door. I loved my cousin, but she wasn’t a normal girl either. She wasn’t going to be much help in all this.

  “She watched you, too, when you weren’t looking,” Maggie called out, and I paused. A smile slid over my lips that I couldn’t control.

  “Thanks,” I replied without turning around, then made my way to my attic bedroom.

  Before Willa had moved away to live with her mother, things had gotten awkward with the three of us. Gunner and I both had become attracted to her. Days before we found out she was moving, he and I had made a pact that neither of us would ever ask her to be our girlfriend. We would always just be best friends. Nothing more.

  It seemed silly now. Gunner and I competed for girls and on the field all the time. The days of us being friends first were long gone. Gunner was my friend, but he was also a spoiled jerk a good portion of the time. His parents sucked, but he did have every materialistic thing he so desired. That got annoying.

  But back then he’d been one of the best friends I’d had, and I hadn’t wanted to lose that. Not even over a girl. Neither had Gunner. We’d been determined to stay close no matter what. Things sure had changed.

  Willa hadn’t been our first big fight. Serena had when we were in the eighth grade. Before we figured out Serena would make her way through the whole football team before sophomore year.

  I wondered how well that would have worked out if Willa had stayed. Would she have been our first big fight? Would we have lost our friendship over her? Because even though we were kids, we both loved her. That much I knew was true. She wasn’t that girl now though. The darkness in her eyes said things in her life had changed. She was different. And I wanted to know why.

  “Brady!” Maggie’s voice carried up the stairs leading to my room. I paused at the top step and turned to look down at her. She’d followed me.

  “Yeah?”

  Maggie bit her bottom lip nervously, then sighed before speaking again. I waited.

  “I see something in her eyes that I recognize. There is hurt there. The deep kind of pain that changes you. The girl you once knew probably isn’t there now. She’s different. Something has happened to her. But she does watch you. She doesn’t watch Gunner that way. She was in three of my classes today, and not one time did she pay attention to anyone the way she did you. Just . . .” She paused and gave me a sad smile. “Be careful with her.”

  I wasn’t sure how I liked my cousin warning me not to hurt someone. I wasn’t that guy. “What do you think I’m going to do to her?” The question came out annoyed because I was.

  Maggie’s frown became pinched. “Ivy Hollis. Last I checked you were dating her.” Then she turned her all-knowing, haughty ass around and walked away.

  Well damn. I guess she was right. I couldn’t get to know Willa and keep my weird relationship with Ivy. But I didn’t want to hurt Ivy, either.

  A car door slammed outside, and I glanced out the window to see West walking up the sidewalk. He didn’t look happy, but then he never was after these counseling visits with his mother. The first thing he always did was run to Maggie. I had worried about him using her in the beginning, but she needed him just as much. They had both lived through pain I’d never known. It bonded them. I loved them both, and I was thankful they had each other.

  I didn’t have that kind of loss in my life. The darkness haunting Willa’s eyes I didn’t recognize. Could I ever be the shoulder she needed to lean on? If I didn’t have my own demons to conquer how could I help her?

  Ivy was easy. We understood each other. We were alike in many ways. A relationship with her was comfortable. She was sweet and dependable, if not also annoying at times. If I even mentioned I wanted something for lunch, the next day she’d bring it. When I complained about my locker being a mess and not being able to find anything, she organized it for me after school as a surprise. She cared about me. A lot. I didn’t have to work to make her happy. Even if I knew I didn’t love her.

  Was that what I wanted? Easy? Or did I want more?

  Still One Big Happy Family

  CHAPTER 7

  GUNNER

  Family dinner was a fucking joke. If Mom wanted me there, then she was going to be disappointed. Grandmother Lawton could equally kiss my ass. I didn’t give a shit if a woman who I shared no blood with was in town. It was Rhett she always cared about seeing anyway, and he only came home from college during the Christmas holidays. Dinner with people who didn’t care if I was breathing wasn’t on my to-do list. I had other plans. Something I’d been planning all day. I was going to see Willa.

  Ms. Ames would be serving the family dinner, and I’d have Willa alone. All that closed-off shit she was throwing today at school wasn’t going to fly with me. She was back. I was curious as hell. And she was smoking damn hot. That smart mouth asking me if my penis had accidentally fallen into Kimmie’s vagina had been hilarious and exactly the kind of comment I expected from the Willa I knew.

  I knew a different Willa. One that Brady didn’t know. She had never really been herself around Brady. She had been giggling and blushed a lot when he was around. I was young, but I’d known even back then what that meant. Where she would tell me jokes and laugh until her side hurt and she snorted, she wasn’t so free around Brady. Because I was her friend. She wanted more from him.

  And I was so damn jealous back then I’d not been able to see straight. Willa was mine. I didn’t want to share her with Brady, but I had because he was my best friend. When I realized she liked him differently than me, I remember my young heart breaking. I already didn’t have my parents’ love. They adored Rhett. Then Willa had chosen Brady. It was in her eyes. I knew the sting of rejection too well at that point. I swore if I lost her to Brady, I’d never love anyone else again. I would only love me. I trusted me. She’d left before that happened though. I never really lost her to Brady, but somehow I’d still built walls around me. Maybe it was because her leaving had hurt too bad and I never wanted to experience that again.

  I didn’t use the front door. Not because I was afraid of being caught. I really didn’t give a shit if my mom caught me leaving. I just didn’t want anyone to know I was headed to Ms. Ames. I wanted to talk to Willa alone.

  I escaped out of the door farthest from the pre-dinner drinks in the living room. Mom had called for me twice now, and I expected another summons soon. I’d be gone by then. When Ms. Ames came looking for me, she’d be upset with me, but I knew deep down she’d understand. I figured Ms. Ames was well aware that by blood I was no Lawton. She’d been here before I was born.

  I climbed up in my truck and headed out to the main road in case anyone was watching me leave. I didn’t want them to figure out I had gone to find Willa. I had no doubt my mother would frown upon that one. She’d never approved of our friendship when I was younger. I heard at least three times a week that Willa was the help’s kid and not someone I should be spending so much time with.

  Once she had told Ms. Ames the exact same thing, and Willa had been kept from me for a week. I’d refused to eat or speak to my mother. She’d then decided that had been a bad idea and allowed me back my friend. But she still didn’t approve. Which might have been another reason I wanted to be around her so much.

  Pulling behind Ms. Ames’s cottage, I hid my truck from the view at my house. I had watched Willa all day, and not one damn time did she look my way after that smart little comment in the hallway. I waited to see if she t
alked to Brady, but they hadn’t even spoken to each other. At least it didn’t seem like it when I saw them both in the halls. When Brady had actually walked past her and not said a word and Willa had glanced his way, I’d almost gone after his ass. He should have said something to her.

  We had been close once. Willa had only ever really had us as a kid. She was the help’s granddaughter, so no one really invited her to birthday parties or to play. Only Coralee ever had Willa over. Brady was the only other person she really knew here. This had to be hard on her, coming back and leaving the life she’d made for herself in Little Rock. Where was his sensitivity? He normally carried it around on his shoulders like a princess.

  I hadn’t even made it halfway to the door when it opened, and Willa stepped out onto the small back porch. She didn’t look happy to see me. Not that I expected her to be thrilled, but she had to be in need of a friend after today. She was a girl after all. Didn’t they need friends to talk to? Sure she hadn’t been girly back in the day, but she was all girly-looking now.

  “I’m not doing your book report, nor am I going to steal cookies out of the kitchen for you,” she said as she propped her hip against the door frame and crossed her arms over her chest. Thank God she was wearing a bra. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to control my reaction to her if she’d been that comfortable.

  “Damn,” I replied to her, unable not to grin. “And I was sure I’d get those chocolate chip cookies while you did all my homework. What happened to you, Willa? You’ve changed.” I was teasing, but then I wasn’t. I did want to know what had caused the lightness in her eyes to darken and fade.

  She shrugged. “I realized I was being used for my nonna’s cookies and my brain, so I moved on.”

  Having her back was odd. I used to lie in bed at night and imagine what it would be like if she came back. But those days were long gone. It had taken me months to get over the ache of her leaving. Brady had even teased me about being lovesick. It had made me mad at him for not missing her like I did when he had been the one she wanted. He had her love and didn’t even realize it.

  “There’s a family meal going on up at the big house. I peeled potatoes, chopped up broccoli, and rolled up fancy cheese in fancy meat for over three hours this afternoon. You should be up there eating it. What will your mother think?” She was mocking my mother with her proper tone.

  “She’ll bitch and moan and apologize to my old-as-fuck grandmother; then she won’t speak to me for a week. It’ll be heaven and worth it all.”

  A smile broke across her face, and I swear my heart skipped. Damn.

  “Nothing has changed in the Lawton house, I see.”

  I shook my head. “Nope. Not a thing. Still one big happy family. Except Rhett’s off at college now and I’m left to suffer through hell alone.”

  At the mention of happy family her smile faded and her shoulders lost some of their bravado. She was hurting. I knew that already. I just wish I knew why.

  “Gotta love those fairy-tale lives. Must be nice.” I knew she wasn’t accusing me of having one. She knew how badly my family sucked. Her more than anyone.

  “Sure you don’t want to share some of Nonna’s cookies with me? I’m missing dinner with that lovely family to see you. At least you could feed me.”

  She shoved off from the door frame and nodded her head toward the kitchen inside. “I guess. Come on, and I’ll feed you a healthy meal of peanut butter cookies and whole milk like only my nonna can supply.”

  It had been a while since I’d had her nonna’s cookies. My mother didn’t allow anything as terrible as sweets in the house, and I was too old to come begging Ms. Ames for a treat. Not to mention, the idea of coming to this house and not seeing Willa had been too hard for so long it had become a habit to stay away from here. Even after time healed my broken eleven-year-old heart.

  Following her into the house, I watched her ass twitch. It was a really nice ass. Hard not to look at, and I wasn’t going to not look while I had the chance.

  “I think she has lemon pound cake, too. Want to add that to your healthy dinner of cookies and milk?”

  “Hell yeah. I’m a growing boy.”

  She let out a soft laugh and shook her head. “I’d offer you a sandwich, but I doubt you’ll have room for it with all the baked goods.”

  “Cookies and cake are just fine. So how did you like school today? Suck here as bad as your last school?”

  I doubted anyone loved school. I was going to get her talking about her past and why she was back, but I needed to trick her into it.

  “Looks like you love school just fine.” She sounded snide as she pulled a frozen glass mug out of the freezer, then filled it with milk. I’d forgotten that Ms. Ames froze her milk glasses. That always made the milk taste better somehow.

  “Are you being a smart-ass again?” I asked, torn between watching the icy cold milk with anticipation and the way her body looked in that outfit.

  “Stating a fact isn’t being a smart-ass,” she replied as she turned to bring my milk and cookies over to me. I liked the way her voice had that raspy tone in it. Her drawl wasn’t as thick as it had once been, but it was there.

  Lingering.

  I Just Want Out of Here

  CHAPTER 8

  WILLA

  Inviting Gunner in was probably stupid. His mother would hate it if she found out. Nonna would be furious. And Gunner wasn’t exactly friend material anymore. He was everything a wealthy, spoiled, good-looking guy turned out to be.

  But I’d let him in. Because I was lonely maybe. Because I needed company from someone who didn’t look at me with disappointment. Because for now I didn’t want to think about what I’d done wrong, or the correctional hell I’d lived through. Or the fact my mother hated me.

  So here I was with Gunner Lawton in my nonna’s kitchen, eating cookies and pound cake and drinking milk, when I knew he should be at his family dinner with the all-important Grandmother Lawton. The boy I used to know, however, wasn’t one to upset his mother. He tried to make his dad happy. I poured myself a glass of milk too and joined him at the table.

  “When did you decide to become a rebel and piss off the folks? Is this a new thing, or have you been at it awhile now?” I asked, truly curious.

  Gunner looked at me over the frosty glass he was taking a drink out of. I could see anger flash there, then a coldness. He was different all right. I wasn’t the only one who had changed. I guess we all did that with age and time.

  “Stopped giving a shit what they wanted a few years back” was the only response I got.

  “No more cotillion events then?” I asked, not even trying to hide my smirk. He had hated the cotillion his mother made him attend back when we were younger. He’d even begged her to let him take me once so he wouldn’t have to dance with one of those country club girls in their long white dresses and fancy hats.

  “Fuck no. God those were terrible,” he said with a grin tugging at his lips. He had really good lips.

  “Little Gunner Lawton always tried to please his momma and did all he could to get his dad’s approval. Guess I didn’t expect that to change with puberty.” I was pushing him. But I liked thinking about his past instead of mine.

  Gunner finished off his lemon pound cake before looking back up at me. I could see the indecision in his eyes. There was something there. He wanted to tell me, but he wasn’t sure if he should. His expression had always been so telling. Lying when we were younger was never his thing. Brady had been able to call him out on his shit with ease. As had I.

  “I don’t want to be my parents. I don’t want their life. Maybe Rhett does. I just want out of here” was what he finally said. But it wasn’t what he was hiding. That was still there in his eyes. I wasn’t going to push though. If he tried to find out why I was here, he wouldn’t get that answer either. I understood secrets and his need to have his own.

  “Why are you back?” His question wasn’t even hesitant.

  I knew this was coming. I exp
ected it.

  “Made some stupid choices and Mom kicked me out.” That was as honest as I was going to be.

  Gunner leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest as he studied me. He thought he knew me well. He had no idea how much he didn’t know now. “Drinking? Weed? Sex? Which one was it? Or was it harder shit?”

  I stood up, taking my glass with me. I would need to wash it and put it back in the freezer before Nonna got home and saw two glasses dirty. She didn’t need to know Gunner had been here. I knew she wanted me to keep my distance, but it had been Gunner who came to me. I hadn’t sought him out.

  “Leave it at that,” I said, walking over to take his empty glass and crumb-covered plate.

  “All three?” he asked, raising his eyebrows as if he was impressed. God he was so naïve. Nothing about my story was impressive. It was life changing but not in a good way.

  “You want to tell me why you suddenly decided impressing your folks wasn’t important?” I snapped back, glaring at him in warning. He closed down. All expression from his face void. That’s what I thought.

  “Exactly,” I replied. “Same with me. Let’s leave it be.”

  Gunner sighed, then nodded. “Okay. Fair enough.”

  Hell yeah it was fair enough. He had secrets and so did I. We both would have to deal with those secrets and what was eating us up inside alone. The friendship we once had where we told each other everything was that of children. Our secrets now were bigger. More important.

  When my feelings were hurt or I had a nightmare that bothered me, I told Gunner. Never Brady. I didn’t want Brady to think I was a baby. But Gunner I trusted to be there no matter what. He and I had a bond that only two kids with parents who didn’t want them could have. Brady didn’t know what that felt like. But for Gunner and me, it was a reality we lived with. We always knew we weren’t alone. We had each other, and that helped through the hardest times.

  “Want a ride to school tomorrow?” he asked, standing up.

  Was I allowed to ride with him? Nonna probably wouldn’t like it. But then she was at the big house when I would have to walk out to the main