Beast

  Allison felt her insides tighten. “Yes.”

  There was more? What could possibly be worse than what he’d already shared that he’d feel it necessary to tell her in person?

  “Good, I’ll see you then. It’s late. I’ll let you go now so you can get some rest. Sleep tight, baby.”

  For a long while after they’d hung up, Allison lay there on her bed, staring at the ceiling. She didn’t want to regret anything, but as she replayed everything that happened this weekend, the reality sunk in of who she was now seriously involved with. What in the world had she gotten herself into?

  Twenty-two

  BEAST

  The mixture of nervous anxiousness and impatient excitement was as foreign to Leo as the scathing jealousy he’d felt when Allison mentioned that fucking editor kissing her. Since Leo’s dad had come into his life right around the time Leo had begun to notice girls but had yet to give much thought to them, Leo had skipped all this. A few days after his thirteenth birthday, his dad showed up at Leo’s mom’s new home in Yuma, Arizona and announced that was the day Leo would become a man. He drove him over the border to Mexico, and Leo got his first taste of the cartel’s whores.

  It was only now—until Allison—that he realized he’d been robbed of something huge. In spite of all the things he’d experienced, never in his life had someone made such an impression on him. But there was more to it. Never had any girl made such an impact on him.

  Only one other time had he ever felt anything close to what Allison made him feel. Now he could say without a doubt he’d been grasping. He’d been hoping it was what he’d missed out on. But the feelings of euphoria he’d felt now just thinking of Allison were like none he’d ever felt. Now he knew why those guys in high school came across as goof balls because Leo had never felt goofier than when he was smiling about anything Allison.

  Case in point, despite how nervous he was about talking to her today, the smile plastered on his face when he’d seen her walk into the gym today was instant. A smile of any depth up until he’d met and begun to get to know Allison had been rare enough for Leo. But the smiles he’d been exhibiting lately for her were ridiculous. He now felt like he owed those goofballs in school a my bad, I had no idea.

  Concentrating on his training before she’d walked in had been a challenge already, but once he’d laid eyes on his beautiful Ali, his training had been all but shot. Now he waited anxiously just outside the front door of the gym where they’d agreed to meet.

  She still hadn’t told her sister about them because she said Lila had been asleep when she got home last night and then Allison had left before she’d woken this morning. Allison said this wasn’t something she wanted to discuss via text or even over a phone call. Leo didn’t tell her, but he’d been relieved. He wasn’t looking forward to hearing Lila’s reaction to her precious little sister’s new boyfriend.

  “Hey.”

  Leo turned to face the beautiful sight of Allison and took a deep breath. He knew Lila wouldn’t be at the gym today, but he still didn’t want to chance hugging her there. He knew the moment he felt her in his arms it’d be impossible to hold back doing more.

  Last night she’d told him he wouldn’t be seeing her today until the evening when they were both done for the day. So, he planned ahead. Several nights out of the week both his roommates worked late. Today was one of them.

  “Feel like barbeque?” he asked, refraining from pulling her to him, but it was a challenge. “I make some killer turkey burgers.”

  As expected, she smiled big. “That sounds perfect. I haven’t had a regular burger in forever, and I’m trying to keep it that way.”

  “Follow me then. I have my place to myself tonight. I’ll make you dinner while we talk.” He lowered his voice a little as they started toward her car. “I’ll need something to keep my hands off you while I tell you the rest of what I need you to know.”

  He walked her to her car then took off to his bike, incredibly still not having laid a hand or even his lips on her. But the moment she got out of the car at his place, he was all over her. Never mind the assholes next door watching the show.

  Once inside his place, it was a challenge, but he finally pulled himself away long enough to start the unpleasant conversation. They started in his kitchen, where he put together the burger patties. Even with his hands full putting together the food, he still managed to continually sneak in kiss after kiss. But ironically, he was counting on the heaviness of this conversation to keep him from getting too out of control before he could finish.

  Bringing her up-to-date again about having finished his youth without a mom and the most fucked dad on the planet, he continued as they moved things out to the back deck. He began telling her about dropping out of school at seventeen. How bitter he’d still been about losing his mom. He’d always suspected his father was responsible for his mother’s disappearance. The police investigated him, but he’d been part of the cartel too long. If he’d really had anything to do with her disappearance, his mother would never be found.

  “After years with zero leads, I pretty much accepted she was gone. My dad lived in Mexico, and there was no way I was moving there with him. I could hardly stand to look at him after my mom went missing, even though he insisted if he’d done something to her he’d admit it.

  “But he didn’t want to be bothered with me unless he needed me, so he paid off the little house we lived in with his drug money. I was on my own when it came to everything else. I may’ve lived a life of crime and was way ahead of most kids my age, but my mom . . .”

  He stopped to clear his throat because, no matter how much time passed, the pain would always be there. “She tried her damnedest to make my life as normal as possible in spite of everything. So up until the moment she disappeared, she did everything a regular mom would do for her kid, everything she’d been doing until that man disrupted our lives: cooked, cleaned, bought groceries, paid all the bills, etc. I was fucking lost without her. All I knew how to do around the house was take the trash out among other insignificant chores like emptying the dishwasher and shit. The yard and cars were mine to deal with, but I had no idea how much she did until I had to do it on my own. Fortunately, I had Mrs. Calderon.”

  He told her about the older widowed neighbor who’d become a surrogate grandma to him. So, when his mom went missing and she found out his dad had pretty much washed his hands of him, the old woman took him under her wing, from teaching him how to get all his bills in order, how to shop for groceries, to reminding him to water his plants and lawn so the place wouldn’t look abandoned. “She even supervised and walked me through making a turkey dinner one Thanksgiving when my dumb ass decided to host a small get together.”

  Leo leaned in and kissed Allison. She was sitting on the deck’s ledge, listening intently, and now he wondered if maybe he should’ve told her everything he had last night in person too. Admittedly, he’d been afraid to see the expressions on her face when he shared all the ugliness of his past. But as usual, he couldn’t get enough of seeing every different and new one she indulged him with now.

  “Long story even longer,” he said, flipping over the burgers on the grill. “When I first moved here years ago, I met Kit, a young girl I’d seen every morning waiting for the bus to school, as I drove by. I’d run into her a few times at the convenience store and whatnot. Saw her buying milk and eggs and shit and counting pennies to get it. I knew most people around here that were low on funds were on food stamps, so I wondered why she wasn’t, but didn’t think much of it. Fast forward to a few months later. I saw some assholes giving her a hard time at the bus station one morning, so I pulled over and told her to get in. She did. I didn’t get her whole story right away, but I started dropping her off at school almost daily. Eventually, she opened up and told me about her life. Her mom was an addict who sold their food stamps and worked tricks to pay for her drugs. She’d never met her dad, but like I was once upon a time, she was basically on her own. What rea
lly got me was that unlike me, even though by all accounts she should’ve been a thug, she wasn’t. Her grandma had done a good job of raising her, so she was a good kid, made good grades, and was even a star athlete who played on the soccer team and had a real good chance of getting a scholarship. In fact, she was counting on it to get away from her mom. Her grandma had set her up for it. Kit’s mom was a lost cause, and Kit’s grandma was way older. She knew Kit would be on her own too early in life and she’d been right. Her grandma died when Kit was just a freshman in high school.”

  Leo took a swig of his beer, needing a break from this, since just like when Kit had told him about her grandmother, it brought back the painful memories of when Mrs. Calderon passed away. He shook his head but went on.

  “I went to see her play one time and was hooked. I thought it was a damn shame that she was pretty much the badass of the team and the only one who never had any family there to watch her play. Ali, she was fucking amazing, and I’ve never even liked watching soccer.”

  Leo paused as he flipped over the green onions and corn he also had grilling. When he glanced up at Allison, her expression had gone a little tense. “What’s wrong?”

  She shook her head, but so did he. In the short time he’d known her, he’d stared at her long and hard enough to already notice the change in her moods. “What is it?”

  And there it was: the unmistakable clearing of her throat followed by a swig from her water bottle. “You’re making me nervous.”

  “Why?”

  “You could tell me about murdering your dad and all the illegal stuff you did over the phone, but this was something you needed to tell me in person? I can see how hard just talking about this is for you. My head is racing now about where this is going? Do you have a baby out there? Babies? Since she was still in high school and you were an adult, were you arrested for statutory rape?”

  Leaning in to kiss her again, Leo knew he should probably be insulted. But given all the other shit he’d laid on her last night about what else he was capable of, he couldn’t even blame her for going there.

  “Nothing like that. On top of all the shit her mother had put her through, Kit was gay. Just another reason why life was even harder on her than most. But I did become her Mrs. Calderon, as much as I could anyway. Only I wasn’t safe for her like Mrs. Calderon was for me. I knew this.” He ground his teeth as he moved the burger patties away from the flames and slid the corn cobs over them instead. “I just wanted to help. She told me about some of the johns and other men her mom brought over trying to mess with her. I wanted to be there for her, so I made her call me when she didn’t feel safe and got her out of the apartment at least until she thought she was good to go back. I was almost done with the underground fighting.”

  He stopped to take another swig of his beer because he could feel himself getting worked up again over this—just like he did every fucking time he let himself think about it. “It was my last fight and a big one. Good pay out and I was gonna need the money. This was just after my brother was sentenced and I promised him I’d leave the life and try and straighten out, but I knew it was gonna take some time before I could land a decent job with my record. I never even told her about my fighting, but she found out on her own. She wanted to see me, but I forbade it. Those fights were dangerous. I warned her never to go there.”

  He slammed the lid of the grill down and walked away, taking in deep breaths and willing the damn knot in his throat away. Allison waited silently the minutes it took him to pace the emotion away.

  “What happened to her?” she asked as he opened the lid to the grill again.

  “There was a fight in the crowd, which was the norm. Only this time more than fists and knives were thrown. Bullets flew and everyone scrambled. I didn’t even know she was there until I got the call from O. I’d gotten my ass out of there the second I heard the shots because I knew it’d get cops called. O saw her go down and stopped to help her, thinking maybe she’d just been knocked over. That’s when he saw the blood. He said it was soaking up the front of her blouse fast. We’d both seen enough people shot to know she wouldn’t even make it until the paramedics arrived. But he said what she was most worried about was me being mad.” He chuckled as the pain inundated him. “She was fucking dying, and all she wanted was to make sure he told me she just wanted to see me fight one time.”

  Allison hopped off the ledge and wrapped her arms around his neck. Leo hugged her tightly, willing the infuriating tears away. Swallowing hard, he pulled away when he was finally able to talk again and swatted angry tears away.

  “Poison,” he said as her brows pinched in confusion. “I know you think I meant women are poison because they’re evil or maybe I’ve been burned. That’s not it, babe. “He shook his head, taking her face and cradling it. “It’s just that, for me, any woman I’ve allowed myself to care about has always turned out to be the biggest heartache in my life. It’s like a curse. The only times I’ve allowed myself to get close and care about one, ended in heartache. Every time. It’s why I’d decided a long time ago I’d never allow another one in. Not another Mrs. Calderon, not another Kit, not even anything romantic. With you . . .” He stopped to take a deep breath. “That first day I laid eyes on you, I saw you from behind and worked my way slowly up. I was lusting over your body the way I would any girl with a body like yours: taking every inch of your beautiful curves in and imagining what I’d do with you not if but when I ever got my hands on you. It’s what a smug asshole I’ve always been! I was so fixated on your mouth devouring that damn donut, I stopped there.”

  He closed his eyes as the visual assaulted him for the millionth time, his cock already at attention even at a moment like this.

  “Then my eyes finally made it the rest of the way up your face, and you looked so young all I could think of was Kit. I was so fucking disgusted with myself. Every time I saw you after that, it was a reminder of how some of her mom’s johns could even consider doing something to such a young and innocent girl. Then came the day of the interview and you looked so different: so much more seductive and womanly than you had that first day. On top of that, there was something about the mixture of innocence and spunk I wasn’t expecting. The excitement and aspirations for your future were things I’d been deprived of at your age, and I felt almost envious, but most of all, unworthy of someone like you in my life. Your eyes. Jesus Christ, your eyes. Even now they do something to me I can’t even explain. So, when it became clear you weren’t a high-school kid—you were an adult—you became a poison I knew I had to stay away from, especially once I found out about you and Carson. I figured I’d leave well enough alone and let you be with someone who wasn’t gonna come into your life and fuck it all up like I did Kit’s. If she’d never met me—”

  “That wasn’t your fault.”

  “Yes, it was.”

  “No, it wasn’t.” This time she brought her hands up to cradle his face. “You probably helped her in more ways than you’ll ever know, and she was just a young girl intrigued by you and—”

  “Like you.”

  He saw Allison take a deep breath and the look in her eyes go even more severe than it already had. “Yes, I’m absolutely intrigued by you, but that’s not all it is. There’s so much more to you, and I think I knew it the day I finally got to talk to you too. I’ve been saying since I first found out about the work-release program, everyone deserves a second chance. Kit was in high school, younger than I and why she took such a risk. I promise you, and I owe it to my sister. As much as I’m drawn to you, I won’t be taking any risks. If I didn’t believe that everything you’ve told me about isn’t really all in your past, then I’d walk. It is, right?”

  “Yes, but my life is still a danger to you.”

  “Why?”

  “Because there are still times I’m inevitably around people who for me pose no threat, but I wouldn’t want them around you. And this neighborhood . . . it’s not for you.”

  “I lived just a few
blocks from here not long ago. You can’t hold where I live now against me.”

  “I’m not. It’s just that where you live now is where you should be in the evenings, not coming out here to visit your boyfriend—”

  To his surprise, she laughed. “I’m more at home here than I am in Los Feliz, and the only time I’ll ever be here is when you are. Do you really think I’ll be in danger then?”

  Leo wrapped his arms around her again as possessively as he’d ever felt. Fuck no, she’d never be in danger when she was with him. But that wasn’t entirely why he told her this. After yesterday, he could never suggest they shouldn’t be together. His heart would protest violently. But the one mention that she’d been kissed recently by a guy, likely as goofy as the ones back when he was in high school, made him nervous.

  Kit, Mrs. Calderon, and his own mother weren’t the only women he’d cared about who brought heartache in his life. There were a couple of others he’d spare her the stupid details about. But he couldn’t imagine things not ending disastrously if he was ever witness to other guys around Allison now. Maybe a normal boyfriend would be able to handle other guys in her life, but Leo had been stripped of any normality many years ago.

  This was a different kind of poison altogether. He’d felt it that first time he’d been alone with her in that boardroom where all she did was interview him. She’d had that same innocent awestruck look in her eyes Kit always did. Except with Kit, he’d just yearned to help her. With Allison, he’d wanted so much more.

  Allison brought her arms down and around his waist, leaning her head against his chest. Wrapping his arms around her now too, he kissed the top of her head. Just like yesterday, he was feeling it again: this all-consuming emotion he’d never felt in his life. He still felt so undeserving of this. After all the evil he’d ever been a part of, how in the world did he deserve this? How could he have possibly earned the right to feel entitled to having someone as special as Allison exclusively to himself? Then he remembered the other more terrifying thing he needed to say to her in person.