Pinocula

  Taking me to the Awful House had been Pinocula’s idea. The place was empty, and the front door had been left open. He also felt the home had terrific curb appeal.

  I sat up all the way and looked around. Pinocula cleared his throat and told us the real reason he had come into the Awful House was that he believed the bat thing that was once under his hat was now in here. His nose and fangs grew a little as he spoke. I asked him how he knew the bat was in here, and he told me he’d received a telegraph telling him. When I informed him that there were no telegraphs in use around here, he said,

  I explained to Pinocula that most information was not delivered by horse these days and that he might want to ease up on the lying. His nose was longer than ever now.

  Pinocula decided to give me some truth, and as he did, his nose and teeth started to shrink. He told me that this really did seem like a place his batty friend would like. He added that if the bat had bitten me, we needed to find him in order to save my life. I set Pinocula up on the windowsill to talk seriously with him. He took off his glasses for a moment so that we would be more eye to eye.

  We began to search the abandoned Awful House to check for the bat. It wasn’t easy to see anything because our glow bands weren’t very bright. We crept down the hallway and toward the kitchen. Jack was right behind me, and Pinocula was hanging from my right arm. The kitchen door was open just a crack. When I pushed on it, it clicked and a low growl sounded from behind it.

  The growling got louder and angrier. We spun around and ran as a large dog burst out of the kitchen and chased after us. We jammed through the front door. Jack took off toward his house, and Trevor whipped off toward his while I carried Pinocula and dashed toward mine. I was hoping that Jack smelled the tastiest so that the dog would chase after him. It was a horrible thing to think.

  Luckily, the dog didn’t chase after any of us. Pinocula and I made it across the street and climbed back into my window. We crashed down onto my bedroom floor. As I tried to catch my breath, Pinocula kept talking about the Awful House and how homey it was. He had particularly enjoyed the wolf. I tried to explain to him that it was just a neighborhood dog who was sniffing around the abandoned Awful House. I also explained that he needed to stay in my room.

  I reminded Pinocula that he might not have any strings, but he did have me. So I gently picked him up, put him in his drawer, and closed it. I then duct-taped my drawer to make sure he stayed put.

  I knew it was foolish to put him in my drawer and think everything was going to be okay, but I was exhausted. It seemed to me that a good night’s sleep might be just what I needed. I was too tired to count whole fried chickens like my dad always suggested. So I settled for counting small chicken nuggets jumping into their box. I didn’t make it past five.

  CHAPTER 7

  GLASSES HALF-FOOL

  Falling asleep may have been easy, but waking up was hard. It was so bright outside, and the light coming through my window roughed me up like some sort of sun bully.

  I got out of bed and closed my curtains. I looked down at my dresser and realized that my morning wasn’t going to be getting better anytime soon. Pinocula had chewed his way out of my drawer.

  I gazed around my room, but he was nowhere. I opened my curtains and looked out. There was no sign of Pinocula. I searched the landscape, but he was harder to spot than the time I had lost Tuffin at the Thumb Buddies Festival.

  The sky was tremendously bright. I closed the curtains and started to get ready for school. My dad must have just put new lightbulbs in the bathroom because when I went to take a shower it was way too lit up. So I left the lights off and showered in the dark.

  After the shower I went to the kitchen to eat breakfast and worry about Pinocula. Tuffin was in the kitchen with Puck. He was filling a small plastic bag with cold oatmeal.

  Tuffin always makes food in the morning that he eats later in the day. Oatmeal was not the smartest choice, but it was better than when he used to store big wads of wet scrambled eggs between the couch cushions. I’ll never forget the day Trevor accidentally found out about that.

  This morning I didn’t care what Tuffin was making. All I cared about was my eyes. It felt like they were on fire.

  The only sunglasses I found in the house were an old pair that my dad had gotten at a rock concert years ago. They looked horrible, but they made my eyes feel much better. My dad came into the kitchen to have the two prunes and half a cup of milk he ate every morning. He saw me wearing his old glasses.

  My dad thought sick was just another way for kids to say cool. So he patted me on the back and told me to have a great day.

  I ate some cereal and slipped out of the house and over to my bus stop to wait for the bus. When I got there, Teddy, Rourk, and Aaron were surprised to see me wearing glasses.

  Janae walked over and commented on my glasses being retro. She also wanted to know if I was serious about the limo. I was going to tell her the truth, but I didn’t.

  Aaron and Rourk didn’t believe me. They began to give me grief and ask why I had never mentioned the limousine before. I began to lie some more.

  Everyone was thrilled about that. They kept asking me questions, and the lies just kept pouring out of my mouth. With every lie my swollen nose hurt more and more.

  I told them that the news was going to hide cameras at our school because they wanted to film a real middle school dance. I told them the limo fits twelve and that it used to belong to a movie star. I also told them that there would be hidden cameras everywhere. After I had lied enough for an entire lifetime, Rourk raised his hand and asked,

  By the time we got to Softrock Middle School, the entire bus was buzzing about the limo and the secret cameras. All day long, kids kept coming up to me begging me to let them ride in the limo. Jocks, rockers, goths, cheerleaders, cowboys, even one of the math club geeks.

  Despite people bothering me, my mind was on Pinocula. He had made it to school yesterday, so I assumed he’d show up today. My teachers were also curious about where my cousin was.

  In my last class, Janae kept turning around and talking to me. Apparently all a guy needs to do to be popular is to lie about having a limo and secret news coverage. Janae wanted to know what news station was doing the secret story. She wanted to know who the movie star was that had once ridden in the limo. I begged my brain to tell her the truth. It’d be embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as showing up the night of the dance with no limo and having to take her to the dance in Tuffin’s wagon.

  I knew the only reason Janae was going to the dance with me was because I had lied. I just wasn’t brave enough to set things straight. Overly friendly Todd leaned over from his desk and interrupted my conversation with Janae.

  At the end of the day, Principal Smelt stopped me in the hall. He wanted me to take off my glasses. I couldn’t think of a good excuse to keep them on so I told him …

  Principal Smelt asked me if there was room in the limo for him. I told him no, and he tried to act like it was no big deal by whistling loudly and walking off. This limo thing was going to be the death of me. I needed to get things in order. I needed to stop messing around and finally devour the books Pinocchio and Dracula so I could figure out how to deal with Pinocula.

  CHAPTER 8

  THE READ ALOUD

  As soon as I got home I searched my house for Pinocula. No luck. I was going to climb out my window into the bright outdoors when my mom called.

  I walked to the kitchen, where she was holding a piece of fancy paper with a tiny ribbon at the top. She looked confused and handed it to me.

  I had forgotten about the book club. I had promised the Harkers that I’d go, but it looked like I was being used to advertise the event. My mom wanted some answers. I told her that Trevor and I had agreed to go to the book club because we were reading a ton lately.

  My mom shook her head slowly, like she did when I brought home my report card or after one of my friends had belched really loud. She wanted me to take off the su
nglasses, but I told her it was my thing. She also wanted me to play with Tuffin, but I let her know that wasn’t my thing.

  As soon as she got done talking at me, I ran over to Trevor’s house. I found Trevor, and the two of us went to the Awful House. Pinocula had been so interested in the Awful House, I figured it’d be a good place to start looking for him. We slowly walked up the cracked sidewalk to the front door and knocked like we were two salesmen selling vacuums. Then I heard someone yell, “Coming!”

  The door opened and there was Pinocula.

  It was dark and cool inside the Awful House. There was an empty cardboard box standing against the corner that Pinocula must have dragged in from the alley. Scattered all over the floor were a bunch of sticks and logs.

  Pinocula explained that he had fallen in love with the Awful House last night and that he wished to purchase it. I guess, like the real Dracula, Pinocula wanted to buy a place of his own. When I tried to explain that he didn’t have any money, he started talking about how he was a real boy and how he had the right to a real house. Trevor had a few things to say about that.

  I argued with Pinocula, but he insisted he had already paid for the house and had permission to live here. Each lie he told made his nose grow.

  It was easy to see how stupid Pinocula’s lies were, and that made me feel even worse about mine. As I was feeling bad about myself, I noticed Pinocula pacing around the room. He was walking strangely. His right leg was dragging, and his left foot clicked against the floor with each step. I knelt down by him.

  I picked Pinocula up and took a better look at him. Unlike before, both his arms now felt wooden. When I touched his ear, it also seemed woody. I couldn’t tell for sure, but it looked as if the Pinocchio part of him was taking over the vampire part.

  It was one thing for a vampire to be un-dead, but it was another thing for a puppet to be. An un-dead puppet was just a piece of wood. If Pinocula continued changing, he’d be nothing but a lifeless doll by the end of the week. Trevor pointed out that I didn’t look that great either. Trevor said I seemed pale and that my hair was getting darker. I didn’t want to tell Trevor, but ever since I had been bitten by that bat thing, I hadn’t felt well. I was glad I was going to the book club tonight. With any luck I’d learn what I needed to about Pinocchio and my condition. As for Dracula, it was important to finish that book, too. I had about an hour before the book club to read, but I knew that if I went home my mom would just make me watch Tuffin or do chores. I turned and looked at Trevor. I believe he saw the urgency written all over my face.

  Trevor raced from the Awful House and back to my home to retrieve Dracula. He popped through my window, found the book, and was back in less than a minute. I took the book and picked up where I left off. Pinocula rested in his box near me and Trevor sat on the floor while I read by the light of the gloom.

  We read until a few minutes before five. At that point, Trevor and I went to my house to tell my mom we were going to the book club. My mom insisted we take Tuffin with us because I had been out of the house and had missed valuable time with my brother. Tuffin was happy to be included and way more excited about going to a book club than anyone should ever be.

  We took the alleys to the Harkers’ house and were there in no time. I was wearing my backpack with Pinocula packed comfortably inside. He said he really liked how dark it was. I had thought about leaving him in the Awful House, but I figured it might be a good idea for him to hear the story of Pinocchio. We knocked on the door, and when it opened, it was obvious from the way the Harkers were dressed that they were really getting into this book club reading.

  I thought it would just be the Harkers and a couple other old people at the book club, but the room was filled with kids. Even Jack and Teddy were there. They had all gotten flyers, and they wanted to come so that they could observe me in my book club environment.

  We all sat in a big circle on a bunch of mismatched stools. I sat in the darkest corner so that the light wouldn’t make me sick. Mrs. Harker passed out the books while Mr. Harker explained that we’d be taking turns reading and that we should prepare our minds for adventure. I was glad to see that the book wasn’t very thick.

  The reading went way better than I thought it would. Everyone read a part, and the story was both odd and interesting. I really identified with bits of Pinocula’s personality that had come from the wooden puppet. Trevor said he liked the beginning of the story, but he felt it lacked wolves.

  Mr. Harker did most of the reading. While he read, Pinocula squirmed and wiggled in my backpack. His woody elbows and knees kept jabbing me in my back and made me look way more into the story than I was.

  In the book, Geppetto was mean at the start and Pinocchio was a smart aleck who wore a hat made of dough and shoes made from bark. He was also friends with a bunch of talking dogs and mice and blue-haired fairies and donkeys. Plus he smashed a talking cricket with a hammer. I don’t remember ever seeing that in the Disney version. He also made a bunch of bad decisions and got into some real trouble. I was wondering if Pinocula was listening in my backpack, but when Mr. Harker read a part where Pinocchio was thrown into the sea to die, Pinocula cried out sadly.

  I had to pretend that it was me who had screamed. Mr. Harker was touched that his reading was so powerful it had caused me to get emotional. As he began to read again, something loud thumped against the window near me. Mr. Harker stopped reading, and we all looked toward the window. Mr. Harker pulled back the curtains, but the only thing there was the newly dark night.

  He closed the curtain again and cleared his throat in preparation to read. Before he could get a word out, another thump sounded. Mr. Harker spun and pulled the curtains open. He threw open the window, leaned out, and yelled,

  Nothing but a cool breeze drifted back. Before Mr. Harker could close the window, something black darted in and swooped directly toward me. I barely had time to freak out. I might even have used one of Rourk’s made-up swear words.

  Pinocula’s cry had summoned the bat I had been looking for. I swatted it with my hands while Pinocula hollered and laughed in my backpack. Tuffin thought it was all a big game and started to clap and dance in a circle. Everyone else began to swat at their heads. Mr. Harker sprang into action. He pulled off his shirt and caught the bat in it like a net.

  Pinocula began to violently thrash in my backpack. I pulled off my pack and tried to hold it still. Pinocula pushed his face out of a corner of the zipper.

  I guess the bat’s name was Jim. I ran after Mr. Harker who was storming toward the front door with the shirt-net. I begged him not to hurt Jim, and he turned around in surprise. The entire book club froze and looked at me.

  Tuffin was happy about my new lie. Mr. Harker was happy we brought a pet, but his wife wished we had brought a different one. Mrs. Harker got a small, pink plastic sandwich container, carefully put Jim inside, and sealed it up. Mr. Harker poked some tiny holes in the top and handed it to Tuffin.

  Mrs. Harker insisted that Jim be put out on the porch while we finished the story. I wanted to leave then, but I knew I needed to hear the end of the book, and I for sure didn’t want to come back some other time. I took the container and put it out on the porch while everyone returned to their seats. The rest of the book was interesting, but I was distracted by the fact that Jim was out front. I got to read the part where Pinocchio was turned into a donkey and where he and Geppetto were swallowed by a mile-long shark. Trevor read the part at the end when Pinocchio finally got what he wanted.

  It had taken a little over two hours to read the whole book. When we were done, Mr. Harker suggested that the group stay and watch the Disney movie of Pinocchio to see how different or similar it was to the book. Teddy had another suggestion.

  People started to leave, and Tuffin began to talk about Jim. He was so hyped to have a new pet. I didn’t have the heart to tell Tuffin he wouldn’t be able to keep him. The second we left, I was going to send Tuffin home with Trevor and take Jim to the Awful House to se
e if he could help me and Pinocula figure out what was wrong with me. As we were leaving, I picked up the pink bat container from the porch and thanked the Harkers.

  I tried to get them to let us just walk home, but they wouldn’t take no for an answer. So we all got into the Harkers’ station wagon, and he drove us to my house. Mr. Harker sang embarrassing songs while he drove.

  Tuffin carried the pink container on his lap. He kept saying “Jim” over and over while I kept wondering how I was going to explain a pet bat to my parents.

  I was pretty sure my mom wasn’t going to buy it.

  CHAPTER 9

  SURPRISE!

  Here’s the thing about parents—just when you think you have them figured out, they go and do something that surprises the heck out of you.