TAILSPIN

  I sigh, wondering what I should do. Surely he doesn’t expect his brother to wait out in this heat. I press the intercom button. “Just a sec,” I say, trying to think of what to do.

  “Okay,” he answers, smiling.

  I stand back, clutching the phone in my hand. I hear a text ping. I look down and see it’s from Devon.

  I’m 5 minutes away. Don’t answer the door!

  Jeez, how pissy is he? I text back.

  Ok.

  I walk toward the button and press it. “Devon says he’ll be here in five minutes. I guess he wants to meet you downstairs.”

  He rubs his brow, a sure sign he’s sweating. “Okay. I’ll wait for him here. Thanks.”

  I let go of the button and step back, sighing. “This is ridiculous. It looks like he’s roasting out there.” I press the button again. “Listen. You must need a drink. Come on up. I’ll make you one.” I press the buzzer and watch as he pulls the door.

  “Thanks,” he says, smiling up at me. “It’s really hot out here today.” He waves, walking through. I fetch the Coke from the fridge before I hear a knock at the door. I quickly grab a glass and start pouring.

  “Just a sec!” I shout, placing the Coke back in the fridge. I grab the glass and walk swiftly to the door to answer it. I smile as I hand him the drink. “Here.”

  Tilting his head to one side, he frowns at me. It’s almost as if he’s trying to figure me out. I assume he’s not used to seeing anyone other than his brother here.

  “Thanks,” he replies, taking it from me. He gulps it down before I even have a chance to say anything. He hands it back, wiping his mouth with the back of his arm.

  I motion for him to come in. He smiles and walks through. Just as I’m about to shut the door, the lift doors ping and out storms Devon, sweating profusely and out of breath. When he sees me in the doorway and his brother’s retreating frame going into his apartment, he clenches his jaw.

  “I thought I fucking told you …” He scowls, walking past me and to his brother.

  Pete turns, smiling when he sees him. “What’s up, bruv?”

  Devon inhales sharply. “What have I told you about coming here unannounced?”

  “Sorry,” he says, scratching his head. I feel sorry for him. He looks like he’s just been scolded by his father.

  “Come with me. I’ll talk with you downstairs.” He grasps his brother’s shirt before turning to me. “Stay here. I’ll talk to you once I get back.”

  I want to tell him how dare he talk to me like that, but I keep my mouth shut. There’s a time and a place. Right now isn’t one of them. When they walk out, I start to close the door when I hear Pete ask, “Who’s the girl?”

  “No one important. Now, come on. Let’s talk somewhere else.”

  Hearing the lift doors close, I shut my eyes. I close the door and lean my forehead against it. Every time I think I’m getting somewhere with Devon, he says something like that. I have so many questions inside my head right now, but only one person can answer them.

  My heart aches as I walk to the fridge and pour myself a glass of wine. I don’t know how long I’m going to have to wait, but I need to get a few things straight with him.

  One hour turns into two, then three. I start to wonder if I should just call it a night and go home, but then I hear the door open. I wait at the kitchen island with my second glass of wine, which is now virtually empty. He walks in, looking tired. When his eyes land on me, I see relief, but also anger. He sets his keys down and walks to me.

  “You’re still up.” I can’t tell whether he’s happy or pissed off about that.

  “Are you going to tell me what that was all about?”

  Devon sighs, walking toward his drinks cabinet and pouring himself a bourbon. “Not now. I’m tired. Can we leave it until morning?”

  I get up, walking toward him. “Why is it I can’t meet your brother? What’s so bad about him that I couldn’t let him in to wait five minutes? It’s so hot out there, he practically downed a drink in two seconds.”

  He takes a swig of his drink and points to me. “You shouldn’t have gone against me. You shouldn’t have let him in when I told you not to.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it’s none of your fucking business!”

  It’s then I realise his eyes are out of focus. “Have you been drinking?”

  His lips curl up into a nasty smile as he shakes his head. “See. This, right here, is the reason I don’t get into relationships.” He stares at me like I’m nothing, as if all the nice, sweet, kind words he said about loving me and being unable to stay away from me meant nothing.

  I don’t let him see how much that hurt. Instead, I glare back at him, showing him that I won’t back down. “I’m not going to get into this with you when you’re drunk.”

  I start to move away when I hear him say, “Coming from the girl who’s obviously been drinking since I’ve been gone.”

  Grabbing my bag, I turn around to face him. “Yes, but I’m not the one who’s acting like a prick. You said you wanted a relationship with me. You were the one who pursued me and made all the right noises. So which one is it, Devon? Are you in or out? Because, right now, I’m starting to wonder if this is all worthwhile.”

  He bangs his drink down on the kitchen island. “So you’re a quitter, just like the rest of them. Just like my mother.”

  I’m taken aback by this. “Devon, I am not your mother. If you see me as just like her, this thing between us should end right now.”

  He slumps into the chair. “What does it matter anyway? Everybody leaves me eventually.”

  Even though I’m angry, his words crush my heart. I know he’s drunk and this conversation should be left until morning, but I can’t help wanting to go to him. This man, this strong man, looks defeated. He looks … lost.

  I walk toward him, placing my hand on his shoulder. He flinches, but doesn’t push me away. “You had a shitty life growing up, but you had people who loved you—who still love you. Charlie, my dad, me … we’re all here for you. Stop trying to push me away whenever things get tough. I’m not your enemy here.”

  Pushing his glass away, he turns, grabbing me by the waist and pulling me to him. I immediately smell the alcohol on his breath as he snuggles his head into my chest. “You’re the only fucking light in my life. The only thing that makes sense.”

  I place my arms around him, giving him the comfort he needs. “Then why fight me?”

  He looks up, his eyes glassy. “My one and only weakness is you.” He squeezes my waist, pulling me tightly to him. “My one and only weakness has always been you.”

  He places his head against my chest again, so I start stroking his hair. We stay like that for a while until I realise he must have fallen asleep. I can hear his soft breathing against my chest.

  “Devon, come on. Get up. Let’s go to bed.” I try lifting his head, but he’s limp. Eventually, I nudge him enough that he moans.

  “Bed with me?”

  I place his arm around my shoulders and virtually carry him into his bedroom. I don’t know how, considering he’s a dead weight. “Yes, Devon. In bed with me.” I feel just as exhausted myself. I know we still need to talk, but it will have to wait until morning.

  I manage to pull the covers away before Devon falls onto the bed. I take his shoes and socks off, leaving the rest. Once I cover him up, he moans, then falls back to sleep.

  For a moment, I stare at his angelic face. A face that heralds demons I’m starting to think are far beyond my capabilities. But if he wants me here, I want to be here. I don’t know whether my love will be enough, though.

  But I’ll damn sure try.

  Walking over to the other side of the bed, I slip out of my dress, leaving my bra and knickers on before I slip under the covers. I watch Devon’s back, hearing his soft breathing. It’s enough to make my eyes start to droop. I know I need sleep, but I keep opening them to check on him. After a few more seconds, my eyes can’t stay open
any longer.

  “No!” I hear, wondering if I’m dreaming. “You fucking bitch. Why? Why did you do this to us?!” My eyes snap open to find Devon flailing his arms and legs. “No!”

  I jump up, turning on the side lamp before straddling him. “Devon,” I say, trying to hold onto his arms. He starts struggling, but I do my best to keep his arms in place.

  “Stop!” he yells. “Why did you have to do this?!

  His voice sounds so pained. “Devon, wake up. You’re having a bad dream. Devon!” I scream. “It’s me. It’s Andi. Please, wake up.”

  He suddenly screams. “Andi, no! Don’t fucking do this. Don’t you dare fucking leave me.”

  My arms are tired from trying to restrain him, but I hold firm. “Devon, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. Devon!” I scream again. “It’s Andi. I’m right here!”

  His eyes suddenly fly open. When he sees me, his body relaxes, allowing me to release my grip. When I do, he sits up, throwing his arms around me. “Andi,” he says, snuggling his head into my chest. “I thought you were gone.”

  I stroke his hair to calm him down. His breathing is ragged, his heart thumping. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

  He starts kissing my chest. “I need you.”

  “Devon, I don’t think we should… Don’t you think we should talk?”

  Pulling my bra strap down, he starts kissing my breasts. “Please,” he says, taking my nipple into his mouth. A part of me wants this, but another part thinks this is the wrong way to solve anything. “I need you,” he says again, manoeuvring himself. In an instant, he’s hovering over me, kissing my neck. I can feel his hardness digging into me.

  “I need to fuck you. Let me fuck you.”

  I don’t say or do anything to stop him. A part of me knows he needs this. It’s fucked up, but if it helps him, I’ll do anything.

  As his breathing picks up, he pushes my knickers down before undoing his trousers. He doesn’t even take them off. He just pushes them down enough to free himself.

  He thrusts his way in, making me gasp. I’m wet enough, but I certainly wasn’t expecting it so quickly. He doesn’t even give me time to adjust. He immediately starts thrusting inside me, grunting. He’s not being gentle, but I don’t stop him. I can hear his heavy breathing in my ear as he moves so violently on top of me, the headboard bounces off the wall.

  Eventually, he screams, “Fuck, Andi!” He thrusts a few more times before slumping on top of me, falling asleep. A part of me wonders if he was even awake.

  “Devon?” I nudge him. He moans, but doesn’t move. “Devon,” I urge, using all my strength to push him off. He grunts, landing on the bed, his trousers still around his knees. I sigh, getting up before pulling his trousers off. I then cover him again, checking the time. Five in the morning. Shit, what a night it’s been. I shake my head as I walk toward the shower.

  Once washed, I get dressed and make myself some coffee. I feel hungover, but not from the wine last night. It’s from lack of sleep and exhaustion over everything that’s happened.

  I take my coffee cup, pick up a magazine, and settle myself on the sofa. I read for a little while, but I must have fallen asleep at some point because I feel a nudge on my arm.

  “Andi, wake up, baby.” I moan a little, stirring. “Andi, wake up. Do you want another coffee?” The smell of it suddenly hits me, making me jolt awake. When I look up, I see Devon dressed in a suit and holding out a cup. “It’s after eight. We both slept in.”

  Getting up, I moan as my tired bones cry out. Once upright, I take the mug from him. “Thank you.”

  “No problem.” He smiles, sitting next to me.

  I rub my eyes, desperate to become more alert. I have too many things to say—too much to get off my chest. “Devon, we need to talk about last night.”

  He takes a sip of coffee before sighing. “Things got a little out of hand last night. I was just pissed you let him in when I told you not to.”

  “But, why?”

  He turns to me. “You know Pete’s an addict. What if he had been high?”

  “Is he normally aggressive when high?”

  “That’s not the fucking point,” he snaps. “When addicts get high, they’re unpredictable. Do you really think I want that around you?”

  I understand, but I’m still annoyed at how he went about it. “Why isn’t he getting the help he needs?”

  He huffs. “I’ve been there, done that. He’s been in rehab twice and has left within a couple weeks each time.”

  “What does he come around here for?” I can hazard a guess, but I need to hear it from Devon.

  “I ask him to visit at least once a month. I need to know he’s alive still.” His jaw ticks. I know he’s lying.

  “Do you give him money?”

  He sighs, leaning forward. “I don’t want to get into this with you right now.”

  I don’t need him to answer the question. His expression already has. “Last night, when he asked you who I was, I heard you tell him I was nobody.”

  Placing the coffee cup down, he turns to me. “Andi, he’s an addict. I don’t want that around you. Yes, he’s my brother and I love him. He’s been through the same shit I have. At the same time, he’s someone I don’t want in your life. I don’t want him tainting the only good thing I have.”

  Leaning forward, I grab his hand. “How can he taint me? I’m here for you no matter what. I understand your loyalty to your brother, but he needs help, Devon. Help that is beyond your capabilities. You can’t save him by giving him money every time he pops by. You know the saying, ‘You’ve got to be cruel to be kind’? Well, this is a prime example.”

  He takes my hand, closing his eyes. “I know.” He opens his eyes and looks at our hands before looking at me. “I didn’t mean anything by what I said. I would have said anything to keep him away from you. If he knows you’re in my life, he’ll want to meet you.”

  I smile. “Is that such a bad thing?”

  He shakes his head. “No, but I won’t let that happen until he cleans himself up. You can understand that, right?”

  I nod. “Of course.” He looks relieved. I start to wonder. “During the night, you had a nightmare. Do you remember?”

  His eyes widen. “What did I say?”

  “You were screaming, ‘No!’ and, ‘Why did you do this to us?’At first, I thought you were dreaming about your mother, but when I started trying to calm you down, you begged me not to leave you.”

  He closes his eyes. “I didn’t take a tablet last night.” He grabs my arm, stroking it. “I didn’t hurt you, did I? Please tell me I didn’t hurt you.”

  I shake my head. “No, you were fine.” I bite my lip.

  He frowns. “Andi, what did I do?”

  I feel my cheeks flush a little. “You, um … you got quite amorous.”

  His eyes widen slightly. “Amorous?”

  “You started kissing me, telling me that you needed me. We had sex. Afterward, you just went right back to sleep on me.”

  He drops my hands, turning away. He places his head in his hands. “Shit!” he shouts. He then stands up and starts pacing, so I get up with him.

  “Devon, calm down. You didn’t hurt me.”

  He stops pacing and looks at me. “Now can you see why I need to take those tablets?” He walks up to me and grasps my arms. “I can’t lose control around you.”

  I offer him a smile. “You didn’t. It was just a minor setback. I didn’t do anything to stop you, either.”

  “But did you want it?”

  I sigh. “A part of me wanted to because I thought it would ease your pain.”

  He lets go of my arms. “Fuck!” He walks toward one of the barstools before sitting down. He places his chin on his hand, as if deep in thought. He looks lost, so I walk to him. When I’m right next to him, he turns. He looks sad as he takes my hand. “I shouldn’t be putting my shit on you.”

  I pull his head close to me, snuggling mine into his neck. ??
?Have you ever thought that part of the reason you’re still having night terrors is because you’re dealing with it all by yourself? You’re not putting your shit on me, but maybe it’s time you learned to. Everyone needs someone on their side. Someone they can trust and reach out to.”

  He squeezes me to him. “I don’t know what I’d do without you. I can’t ever fucking lose you.”

  Placing my hand on his head, I start stroking his hair. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  It’s a particularly hot July day. The air conditioning is on full blast, and I have to run to the toilet every hour because of the amount of water I’ve been drinking. Devon’s currently at a meeting, so I have the office to myself. It’s sometimes nice to have some breathing room in order to get some work done. There’s nothing worse than trying to type something on your laptop when you have a sex god bending over you, nibbling on your ear.

  I seriously have the worst job in the world!

  As I smile at the thought, my phone rings. I pick it up and hear Aaron’s voice. “Andi, so nice to speak with you.”

  I smile brightly. “Aaron, how are you? It feels like ages since we were in New York. I miss it.”

  “I’m great. You must come visit again. It would be lovely to have you here in a work capacity … or otherwise.” I hear the slight flirtation in his voice, so I clear my throat, quickly changing the subject.

  “Devon’s not here at the moment.”

  “Oh, that’s okay. I’m glad I got to talk to you, but it would be much better face to face. Fancy a coffee?”

  I frown, saying, “What are you talking about?”

  He laughs. “I’m in the Starbucks about a block away from your office.”

  “You’re what?!”

  “I’m here on a last-minute business trip. I have to go back tonight, but I couldn’t leave without at least having coffee with you. I don’t have much time, though, so it’ll have to be a quick visit.”

  I’m already on my feet, grabbing my bag. “I’ll meet you in five.”

  He laughs as we hang up. I hastily make my way down the lift and into the hustle and bustle of the street. I’ve only just opened the door, but I’m already sweating.