TAILSPIN

“I may be an old man, but I still ain’t lost my noggin,” he says, taping his head.

  I laugh. “You’re not old, Dad.”

  “That’s very nice of you to say. I feel it, though. With your brother punching every guy who looks at you and you dating his best friend, I’m practically eighty.” He starts laughing.

  I smile. “I never got a chance to ask you how you felt about all this.”

  “I must admit, I suspected it. All those times he would come over for meals and the way you two looked at each other, I knew. I just didn’t like the thought of how Charlie would react when he found out. He’s fiercely protective of his little sister.”

  I roll my eyes. “Don’t I know it.”

  Dad puts an arm around me. “Ah, kiddo, he just loves you and wants the best for you. We both do.”

  I smile. “I know.” It’s then I realise just how lucky I really am. Devon was brought up without a family to love him. Me? I was on the other end of the spectrum.

  “Come on,” Dad says, tugging me. “Let’s go see how your brother’s getting on.”

  We both go in and spend some time with Charlie and his buddies. They leave around an hour later, but my father and I stay. Devon soon arrives, leaning down to kiss me. Charlie visibly sighs.

  “I don’t know if I will ever get used to that.”

  I take his hand. “Oh, come on,” I scold. “Isn’t it better to know the person I’m in a relationship with?”

  He looks up at Devon, who has a hand on my shoulder. “It’s because I know who he is that bothers me.”

  Devon places his other hand on my other shoulder. Charlie watches him as he does. “All those days are over. You knew we would have to settle down one day.”

  “Yes, but not with each other.” He sighs. “Just don’t hurt her, okay? The last thing I want is to have to not only comfort a broken heart, but also lose a best friend.”

  Devon squeezes my shoulders. “I promise I won’t. Your sister means more to me than the air I breathe.”

  “Good.”

  I look across at my dad, who has an amused expression on his face. I can’t help but silently chuckle.

  We sit and talk for another hour before Devon offers to drive my dad back home. We say goodbye to Charlie, promising to come back tomorrow to visit. We drop my dad off, then drive toward Devon’s apartment. On the way, my phone rings. I look down to see it’s a private number, so I cautiously answer.

  “Is this Andi?”

  “Yes.”

  “It’s Rachel, Ben’s sister. You left a message on my phone. I think you may have gotten the numbers mixed up or something because this is my number, not my parents.’”

  “Oh, I’m sorry about that.”

  “That’s okay. How can I help you?”

  I look across at Devon, who’s frowning. I can tell he’s wondering who it is. Once I speak, I know he’ll find out, not wanting to experience his reaction when he does.

  “I’m ringing on behalf of my brother, Charlie. We just want to offer our sincere condolences for your loss.”

  I hear her take a deep breath. “Thank you. His funeral’s on Saturday. Your brother is more than welcome to come.”

  I smile. “That would be great if he could. Would you mind if I came, too? I met Ben before he went to Afghanistan. I just want to be there to say goodbye.”

  I cautiously look across at Devon. His face gives nothing away as he stares out at the road.

  “Of course. It’ll be at Putney Vale at eleven o’clock.”

  “That’s very kind of you. Thanks. My brother and I will be there.”

  “Okay. I look forward to meeting you.”

  “Thank you. And us, too.”

  Hanging up, I look at Devon. “That was Ben’s sister.”

  His jaw ticks a little. “So I heard.”

  “You’re okay with me going to the funeral, right?”

  “Why wouldn’t I be?” He answers so quickly, I know he’s not happy in the least.

  “Charlie wants to go, and I want to be there for him.”

  He glances at me, smiling, and takes my hand. “Of course you do, and you should.”

  I smile back, but I know Devon’s is a little off. I don’t know why I’m worried about it. He and I are together. Apart from the obvious that went on between Ben and me, I liked him as a person. I could see that his heart was in the right place.

  I stare at Devon, who’s keeping his eyes on the road. He may be a little annoyed, but he probably realises it would be out of order to speak out. I will say goodbye to Ben and life will go on. I just hope Devon feels the same way.

  The day of the funeral comes quickly. Ben’s send-off is big, but I kind of knew it would be. He has a lot of people who loved him. The amount of people crying during the service tells me as much. I allow the tears to fall, too, as I sit with Charlie. He’s stoic, but I know it’s a front. I know he must be feeling it inside, but he’s keeping it all in.

  I meet Ben’s parents, Summer and Craig, as well as his twin brother, Barry. All are all very pleasant to me. They know Charlie, and I can tell they want to ask questions, but realise he isn’t up to that right now.

  Once Ben’s buried, we go to his sister’s house and have a few appetizers and a couple drinks. Everything is lovely, but also exhausting. I can only imagine what his family must be going through. It just makes me more grateful for everything I have.

  Afterward, I took a silent Charlie back to the hospital in an Uber. I keep asking if he’s okay, and he says the same thing he always says. “I’m fine, Andi. Stop fussing.”

  Sensing he needs time alone, I leave him to go back to Devon’s. Something doesn’t feel right, though. I feel it in my stomach.

  My Uber takes me to Devon’s apartment. I say hello to the guard and take the elevator up. When I walk in, I shout Devon’s name, getting no response. I walk into the bedrooms. Nothing. I pop my head into the bathroom. Again nothing. It’s only when I go back into the living room that I notice a curtain blowing in the breeze. I look outside and see Devon standing on the balcony, leaning on the railing, a drink in his hand. I walk out cautiously.

  “Devon?” I ask, approaching him. He doesn’t turn to acknowledge me.

  “How did the funeral go?”

  Placing my hand on the railing, I stand next to him. “As well as can be expected. There were a lot of people there.”

  “That’s nice,” he simply says, taking a sip of his drink.

  “Is there something wrong? If there is, please, tell me.”

  He turns to me, his expression one of sarcastic confusion. “Why would anything be wrong, Andi? Could it be that my girlfriend’s just been to the funeral of a man she almost slept with?”

  I grip the railing. I knew this was coming, but I certainly hoped it wouldn’t be so soon. “Nothing happened between us.”

  He gets closer to me. Close enough that I can smell the alcohol on his breath. “Only because I interrupted it.” He brushes past me, walking back into the apartment.

  I walk in after him. He has his back to me as he takes another swig. “We weren’t even together then. I wanted you. I’ve always wanted you. But you did your level best to show me that could never, ever happen. What else was I supposed to do? Be a lonely spinster for the rest of my life?”

  He turns around, glaring at me. “Did you mourn him?”

  I sigh. “Devon, this is ridiculous.”

  “Did you?” he asks sternly.

  I don’t say anything. We just stand there, staring at one another. “I’m upset that he’s gone. He had his whole life ahead of him. I liked him as a person, and yes, I did like him a little more back then, but that was only because I thought you and I were a lost cause.”

  He closes the distance between us. “That’s not what I asked you.”

  I stare down at the drink in his hand and step away. “Devon, you’ve been drinking. I’ve had a long day, I’m tired, and I just want to go to bed. We can talk about this in the morning when you’re n
ot so …”

  “So?” he snaps.

  I try and gauge his expression. On the outside, he doesn’t seem that drunk, but I know appearances can be deceiving as far as Devon is concerned. Whether he’s drunk or simply on his way there, I don’t want to be here to find out. I start walking toward my bag, grabbing it before making my way to the door.

  “I’m staying at my place tonight. We’ll talk in the morning.” I open it, but it’s shoved closed again.

  “You’re not going anywhere.” Turning around, I find Devon’s hands on the door above my head, pinning me.

  “I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.”

  “Like what?” he asks, moving closer to my lips. “Like a man who’s losing his head over a woman because he can’t stand the thought of her with another man?” His breathing is laboured, making me scared of what he might do.

  “Devon, you have nothing to worry about. It’s always been you. Don’t you realise this by now?”

  Devon’s eyes trail down toward my lips before looking back up. He places his hand on my thigh and works his way up. “Did Ben do this to you when you were with him?”

  Tears start to pool in my eyes. “Devon, stop. Why are you doing this?”

  “Did Ben feel up your thigh like this until he reached your pussy?” He cups me and squeezes.

  Grabbing his hand, I try to push him away. “Devon, stop! There’s no need for this.”

  He keeps his hand there, pushing my knickers out of the way before pushing his finger inside. “Did Ben do this to you?” He bends down, forcefully putting his tongue in my mouth. I’m frantic, knowing he’s gone too far. Just how far would he go?

  Not wanting to find out, I manage to bite down hard on his lip. Devon immediately pulls away, turning as he holds his mouth. “Motherfucker!” he shouts.

  I don’t wait any longer. I grab the handle, turning it. Just as I’m about to run out, I feel a set of arms around me.

  “Okay, Andi. I’m sorry. Please. I’m so sorry.” He wraps his arms tightly around me and pulls me back in. Once he has the door closed, he brings me to the floor and hugs me. “Please, don’t leave me,” he whispers into my hair. “I’m so sorry.”

  My eyes pool with tears again. Why can’t he see it? It’s him I’m with. It’s him I love. But it doesn’t seem like enough.

  “You were out of order, Devon. Why can’t you trust me enough to know that it’s you I love? It’s you I’ve always loved.”

  He pulls away, grabbing my face in his hands. “I know. I’m so sorry. I just get so angry when I think of you with other men.”

  I grab one of his arms and look into his eyes. “You should never question my loyalty to you. I’ve never given you cause to. But this,” I say, looking at his bleeding lip, “isn’t normal. You say you want me, but you’re doing your best to push me away.”

  He strokes my face. “I know I keep fucking up. I’m trying, Andi. I just stew on things for so long, it eventually boils over. I know you’re a good girl and you love me.”

  “But is it enough?”

  “Yes, of course it is. I promise I’ll be good from now on. I won’t mention Ben again. Just, please, don’t leave me.”

  As I stare at the desperation in his eyes, a part of me is conflicted. I want to be with Devon, but will he always think I’ll leave him for another man?

  “I don’t want to leave you—”

  “Then don’t.”

  “But you obviously don’t trust me.”

  “I do, Andi. Implicitly.”

  “Then why did you behave like this tonight? Why not talk to me. Why wait, start drinking, then let it come out like it did?”

  “Because I’m a fucking arsehole who doesn’t know a good thing when it’s staring right back at him. I fucked up, I know, but you can’t leave me for this one indiscretion.”

  I look down, not knowing what to do. “You practically forced yourself on me, Devon.”

  He looks disgusted at the thought. “I know, and I will do everything in my power to make it up to you, okay? Please, stay with me tonight. Sleep with me in my bed. Our bed. I won’t expect anything else. Just don’t leave.”

  Against my better judgment, I nod. “Okay.”

  He visibly sighs in relief. “Thank you.”

  I look at his lip again. “You’re bleeding.”

  He smiles. “It’s less than I deserve.” He pulls me up. “Come to bed. I’ll take a shower and join you.”

  I nod, walking with him to the bedroom. Once he walks into the bathroom, I sit down on the bed with a sigh. How did life get so complicated? I thought things with Devon would be simple. He loved me. I loved him. I knew he had demons, but I was prepared to face them. His actions tonight troubled me, and I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this come the light of day.

  Eventually, I undress and slip into bed. Ten minutes later, Devon appears. His lip isn’t bleeding, but it’s slightly swollen. We don’t say anything as he slips into bed and puts his arm around me, holding me tight. He kisses me on the cheek, says goodnight, and then falls asleep. However, I’m wide awake. Exhausted, but awake. At some point, I must have fallen asleep because the sound of my phone ringing wakes me.

  I reach out and answer. Hello?”

  “Is this Andi?”

  I sit up in bed. “Yes?”

  “I’m so sorry to be calling you at such a late hour. It’s Grace Marks, a ward sister on duty at the hospital your brother’s staying in.”

  I sit up even straighter, noticing Devon hasn’t moved. “Is Charlie okay? Has something happened?”

  “Charlie’s fine, physically. It’s just… well … he woke up screaming your name a little bit ago. He said he won’t go back to sleep until he knows you’re okay.”

  “I’m coming over.”

  “There’s no need. I can simply put you through.”

  “Tell Charlie I’m coming over. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

  I end the call, looking at Devon. He’s still sound asleep. I get up and quickly dress in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt before grabbing a pen and writing Devon a note to let him know where I am headed. I leave it on my pillow before putting on my shoes and calling for a cab.

  Fifteen minutes later, I arrive at the hospital and take the lift up to Charlie’s floor. When I step out, I search for anyone who can let me know what’s going on.

  “Can I help you?”

  I turn to the sound of the voice, spotting a nurse in a navy uniform, her blonde hair tied in a bun. “Are you Grace?”

  She smiles, walking forward. “I take it you’re Andi?” I nod. “You really didn’t need to come down. He just wanted to know you were okay. Was insistent on it, in fact. He’s sleeping now.”

  “Can I go in and see him?”

  She motions with her hand. “Of course.”

  I nod and walk into the dim room. Charlie’s on his back, snoring softly, so I creep in and take his hand before sitting down. He immediately murmurs, so I caress his hand. “Shh. It’s okay, Charlie. I’m here.”

  “Andi?” he asks, his eyes still closed.

  “Yes. I’m here. Go back to sleep.”

  He opens his arms to me. “Need a hug, Andi Pandy.”

  I can’t help but chuckle at that as I get up and crawl in beside him, noticing that he’s still asleep. I lay next to him and he throws his arms around me, snuggling his head into my chest before stilling again. I smile, tenderly stroking his hair as I rest my head on the pillow. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice the teddy I bought him sitting on the other side of the bed. It looks a little dirty, but I’m so glad he kept it.

  I look at the ceiling, thinking about everything that’s happened tonight. I’m not sure how long it is before I fall asleep, but then, something nudges me, waking me up.

  “Ben. No, Ben! Please, no!”

  My eyes fling open to find Charlie lying next to me. His face is pained as he shakes his head from side to side.

  “Fucking help me. Do something.
Ben!” he screams again, his arms flailing.

  I try grabbing them, holding Charlie to me. “Charlie, it’s okay. Please, wake up.”

  A nurse runs in and up to the bed. When I nod at her she quickly, but silently retreats.

  “Ben!” he screams again. This time, his eyes snap open, immediately landing on me. They look wild and his breathing is heavy. “Andi?”

  I take his face in my hands. “It’s me. I’m here.”

  “Andi,” he says, pulling me to him and burying his head in my chest. He starts crying, heart-wrenching sobs.

  I don’t know what to do, so I sit there holding him. Hearing my brother shattering is one of the worst feelings in the world.

  “I should have done something.”

  I squeeze him. “Shh, you can’t say that. There was nothing you could have done to save him. Nothing.”

  “He shouldn’t have been there. It shouldn’t have fucking happened. Now he’s gone and I’m angry. I’m so fucking angry.”

  “I know,” I say, gripping him tightly. “It’s unfair. It was too early for him.” I feel him calm a little in my arms, but I don’t let him go.

  “He was only thirty-one.”

  In that moment, we both fall silent and mourn the loss of a great friend and comrade. Yes, I’m mourning him, but not for the reasons Devon would suspect. I’m mourning the life he could have had. I’m mourning the fact he left a loving family and friends who adored him behind. I’m mourning because, right now, my brother’s heart is breaking in two and there’s nothing I can do to make it better.

  I only wish there were.

  Two weeks later, Charlie was well into his physiotherapy and waiting on his prosthetic limb. Apart from his frequent bouts of anger, he was healing well. I just worried about his mental state. I know he needs help and we will be here for him every step of the way. I just hope he accepts counselling because he’s being stubborn at the moment.

  Aaron and Joanne visited like they said they would, and it was almost like she and Charlie were in a relationship. They held hands, so I knew they had been in contact for a long time. Charlie seemed happy, so who was I to complain. Aaron was nothing but kind and courteous the whole time they were here. During the day, we took him to see the sights, and at night, he bought us dinner. On the last night, he offered me a proposition if I ever wanted it. I turned him down, which he expected, but he told me it was on the table.